Short update

Hi everyone, thank you all for the support , it really is appreciated.  I thought of all of y'all during my drive yesterday .  It helped me quite a bit when I started getting nervous about doing the drive. 

I definitely had angels on my side. The drive was uneventful and I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing it. 

I obviously have quite a bit of things to do to get settled into this next phase of my life. Internet service is kind of spotty, but I'm hoping to be able to pop in occasionally with updates and to visit.

Thank you and farewell, for now

First I'd like to say, Thank You.  Thank you to my readers and commenters over all the many years I've come here to express my thoughts and emotions.

This is the most welcoming community I've ever had the privilege to be a part of.  No matter what I'm dealing with I've always been able to come here and express myself.  I've received love, support, friendship and the occasional kick in the ass when needed.

I wish blogland was a real physical place.  There have been so many days I would have given just about anything to pop in and have a cup of coffee or maybe a glass of wine and chat with y'all.  I've found much wisdom and strength from each and every one of you, be it through comments you've left, or what you've shared on your own blogs.  Y'all have helped me more than you can know.

Now for the farewell.

I've spent the  last several weeks getting my affairs in order.  I'm leaving Musicman.  Words I never thought I'd say.  Words that break my heart.  I still love him, but this relationship, the entire situation really,  is toxic.  If I don't leave I will not survive.  I  truly believe that and can not let that happen.

I'm leaving Sunday.  I'm going to be staying with my brother and T.  I've spent quite a bit of the last year with them and that truly is home for me now.

I'm scared.  I'm excited. I feel confident in my decision.  I feel free.  I'm looking forward to having a life and being happy again instead of just existing.

I don't know if I'll have much time or content to write about so I don't know if I'll ever come back.

I don't long distance drive. I tend to have panic attacks just being a passenger in a car on the highway.  I have to drive 300 miles by myself on Sunday.  Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated, especially since there is a good possibility I'll be driving through a snow storm the first couple of hours.

I wish you all much love and happiness .

Self Preservation vs. Selfishness

Self-preservation  - noun,
Preservation  of oneself from destruction or harm.
A natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve ones own existence.

Selfishness  - noun,
Being concerned obsessively or exclusively, with oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.

These words and definitions have become an obsession for me. 

I haven't concerned myself much with the first one lately.  Years really.  Self care is not my strength.

I don't think anyone would accuse me of the second.  In fact, more to the point, I've  spent my entire adult life, both personally and professionally, caring for others. Sometimes to my own detriment.

I feel the need to change that.  I need to practice some self-preservation.  In order to survive and thrive again,  I have to learn self-preservation.

Ironically, I'm struggling with that.  It feels selfish to me.

Being a strong adult sucks, probably why I identify as submissive.

That's not actually working out so well, time to take my power back.

Trust and Communication

Trust, so crucial for a healthy, happy relationship.  I've often heard that it can take months, years, or even decades, to earn someone's trust.  I can reliably say that has been my experience.

There was a time, after many years, that I trusted Musicman without question.  I believed unconditionally that I could share anything with him and he would love and support me.  For many years, decades even, he did, until he didn't.

Disrespect, lies and betrayal became the cornerstone of our relationship.  Despite all that, I kept hanging in there.  Hoping and trying to make things better between us.  It didn't work, mostly  because I was the only one trying.

I finally accepted, after several separations over the span of a year, that what we had couldn't be fixed.  I accepted that my marriage was over. I just had to go back home to finalize some things, mostly health related.

Then what seemed like a miracle happened.  Musicman came for me.  He said everything I wanted and needed to hear.  He made promises that I wanted to believe.  I freely admit, I believed him.  However, trust broken isn't that easy to reestablish.

I actually have felt guilty during the last 2 months that I've been home I have not been open with my communication. I haven't entirely trusted him or his intentions.  I haven't been totally honest about what I want, intimacy wise.  It felt too soon for me. I needed more time, and actions from him before I felt I could fully commit to us again.  In short, I was guarding my heart.

Turns out I was wise to do that.  Yeah, without even a second thought, he betrayed me again.  He lied to me and put me in a position to fear for my physical safety.

I grew up a victim of horrific abuse. I  survived and even thrived and I made a vow to myself.

I. Will. NEVER. Be. A. Victim. Again.

I rarely give second chances.  Musicman got one because I love him so very much.  Unfortunately,  he didn't appreciate how much I loved him or how huge it was that he got a second chance.  He will not be getting a third chance.  I'll be getting my affairs in order and at age 54, starting a new life in a new place.

Wish me luck, I haven't been single since before the Internet began, not even sure I remember how.

First Time

When was the last time you did something for the first time? 

That's a song by Darius Rucker.  It has really resonated  with me ever since I heard it.   I am very much an adventurous person, not necessarily a thrill seeker, but definitely adventurous.  That song made me realize how stagnant our life had become.  So I've decided to change that.

T helped me get started.  My brother's 50th birthday occurred while I was down with them. He wanted to ignore it, she wanted to plan something epic for him.  So we set about planning .

We recruited some good friends. A young neighbor family with 3 young kids and another neighbor friend, a single mom and her young son.   We rented a pontoon boat for the afternoon. We had plenty of food and beverages.  Trying to coordinate and get everyone to the place on time, without telling my brother what was going on, was a bit challenging but we pulled it off.  None of us had ever been on a pontoon boat before.  We had an absolute blast.  Watching my brother help the little ones take turns driving the boat is a precious memory I will forever hold close.  He told T and  I that it was the most fun he'd had since they moved south 4 years ago.  That alone made all the stress of  planning and executing that adventure worth it.

That wasn't the only adventurous thing I did while with them.  I had lots of first time moments, but I also fulfilled a bucket list item.  There is something I've been wanting to do for many years.  Again I recruited T and the wife of the young couple who went on the boat with us, we've become very close.

I got my nipples pierced.  I wasn't afraid or worried at all. In fact T and Ash were getting other things pierced, nothing nearly as exotic as their nipples, but they were practically hyperventilating when we pulled into the parking lot of the piercing place.  I  volunteered to go first.  The piercer was quick and very professional.  It took about 10 minutes and T and Ash couldn't believe that I carried on a normal conversation the whole time. 

Musicman is totally obsessed with them, though a bit bummed that he can't play with them yet.  It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that I got them done.  They are healing well, so hopefully soon he will be able to give them the attention he'd like.   He is determined that I'm going to wear a chain connecting them together.  I'm not opposed to that, but realistically, it's gonna be a while before that can safely happen.

And now for something on the serious side. For any of my readers in the path of Hurricane Florence,  please be safe.  My brother and T are in a place that is going to take a direct hit. Evacuations have been issued but my brother is refusing to leave.  T is scared out of her mind and stressed beyond belief.  I'll be praying for everyone in it's path and some positive thoughts from y'all would be greatly appreciated.

His Oh Shit Moment

Where to even begin? So much has happened.  Despite the heaviness in my heart about the end of my marriage I had a wonderful time with my brother and T.  They take excellent care of me and are totally 100% supportive of whatever I need to do to be happy and healthy.

I spent the first couple weeks relaxing, letting my shoulder heal and enjoying adventures with them.  T and I talked extensively about what I needed to do to physically leave my home and start my new life.  I actively planned what I would be taking with me, not very much, and how I was going to get those things along with myself to my new home.  I had a viable plan complete with a doable timeline.

During this time Musicman continued to text me several times a day.  I cringed every time he did.  It was very much like texting with a distant acquaintance.  Our inability to talk about anything important or relevant to our relationship just reinforced for me the need to leave. 

Then something happened, something changed.  Not with me, with Musicman.  He wanted to come down and see me.  He said he missed me. He said he wanted me back.  I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.  I had no reason to believe that he had changed or that him coming to see me would change anything.  I'll be honest, I didn't want him coming down and ruining my sanctuary.  I didn't want bad memories of him haunting me in a place I felt safe and empowered enough to start life over.

A few days after that text I received a phone call from Musicman. He was very distraught and emotional.  That in itself is quite out of character for him.  He admitted that he'd made many mistakes in the last few years.  He admitted and apologized for the fact that those mistakes really hurt me.  He asked again if he could come and see me.

I was reluctant to let him come.  I set some very clear ground rules for him if he did come down.  He agreed to those ground rules and he did come down.  I was tentatively hopeful that he not only meant the things he had said to me but also that his actions would align with his words.

Musicman has never taken a long distance trip without me.  He's always the driver and I'm the navigator,  that has always worked well for us.  This trip was his first test, he had to do it alone.  For various reasons that were not of his doing a 10 hour drive turned into 13 hours. 

I was excited to see him, but a bit nervous too.  Had he really changed?  Was he really going to be the man I loved so much or was he playing me?  I  truly didn't know and that scared me.

Things started out well.  I saw the change in him immediately.  He was again the man I fell in love with all those years ago, the man I wanted, the man I needed him to be.  We had a wonderful couple of days together, then things went off the rails.

One evening, after a lovely day together, the Musicman of the last few years came back.  Things got ugly.  I felt like a complete idiot for believing him, for believing he had meant all the things he said.  I definitely felt I had made a big mistake letting him come down. 

T,  bless her soul, stepped in and acted as a mediator and counselor.  We talked and talked and talked.  I felt like we were going in circles and accomplishing nothing.  To say Musicman is stubborn is an understatement and there were things he had made his mind up about that he just couldn't let go of.  Things that would make it impossible for us to move forward together. 

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  I left Musicman and T still talking and showered and went to bed.  I'm not sure what T said, but the next morning Musicman and I talked again.  This time he heard me,  he let go of his preconceived notions and actually listened and validated what I was saying.  My Musicman was back.

The rest of our visit went very well.  I came home with Musicman, though we both wished we could have stayed longer.  I was a bit worried that things might not continue to go well once we got home.  So far they are, much to my pleasant surprise. 

Musicman did something huge that really went a long way toward restoring my trust in him.  A huge sticking point for me was the fact that our adult son was living in our home.  Musicman had told him he was coming to see me and that he needed to be out of the house when we got home. 

Our son wasn't home when we got home, but his stuff was here. That made me very nervous and unhappy.  He showed up the next afternoon.  I know it wasn't easy, but Musicman confronted him and told him he couldn't stay.   He actually listened and left.  We've spent our first week home cleaning and reclaiming our home and reconnecting with each other.

I still don't know what happened that finally caused Musicman to make the changes he needed to make to keep me from leaving.  I have no plans to ask either.  Whatever it was isn't nearly as important to me as the fact that it did happen. 

I have my loving, devoted Musicman back. Our communication is better than ever and we are both actively working on making our relationship better everyday.  This is definitely not where I saw myself a month ago, but  I'm so glad I took the risk and gave him a chance.  I'm once again a happy faerie.

The Next Chapter

I'm currently enjoying the warmth and sunshine south of the Mason-Dixon line.   I've been back here with my brother and T for a little over a week now. 

I'm following doctor's orders,  resting and allowing my shoulder to heal.  I have to head back up north at the end of the month for my next check up.  I don't want to go.

Musicman and I finally had a much needed discussion before I left. Getting Musicman to talk about our relationship is nearly impossible.  It was never easy, but has become much worse over the past year or two.  That fact in itself has been a big issue for me, but I was determined and pushed until he talked.

I wasn't really surprised with what he had to say, his actions have been saying it for quite sometime, but it still stung a bit to hear.  He told me, " I used to want you.  I want to want you, but you make it too hard."

I'm not the type of person to stay somewhere I'm not wanted.  I now find myself trying to wrap my head around the fact that after more than 3 decades I'm going to be single again.

I'm not afraid, a little sad, but oddly, a little relieved.  I've experienced and survived so many life changes, so I know I will survive this one too.  I'm trying to find the positives in this situation, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm trying to picture in my head what my life might look like as I move forward, but I'm  not there yet either. 

One thing I know for sure, I won't have to face this next chapter of my life alone.  I have the full support of my brother and T.  While I'm grateful beyond words for that, I've realized I've never actually had that in my life before.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  No one, not even Musicman ever really loved, cared and supported me for me. 

Post-op Post

It's  been a little over a week since my surgery. It took 3 hours instead of 1 hour as they expected.  They found significantly more damage than was expected.  That resulted in 2 incisions around my shoulder instead of 1.

I'm in a sling again and am not supposed to move the shoulder at all.  That makes simple things like bathing, dressing or using the bathroom quite the challenge, but I'm doing pretty good with it all.

As I expected, Musicman is not a good caregiver.  I was really hoping he would step up and put my needs first, but that hasn't happened .   In fact he acts quite put out if I ask him for help, so I don't  ask unless it's absolutely necessary.

Our son is still here, I  haven't spoken  a single word to him, nor has he spoken to me.  Musicman would like me to make amends with my son, but I did nothing wrong and have nothing to say to him. Especially since something as simple as him not liking my tone of voice can set him off.

I have my post-op appointment on Thursday.  Once I have that and find out what comes next with my shoulder, will dictate what I do next. 

Honestly, I  just keep thinking,  I want to go home. To me that is no longer here, it's down south with my brother and T.  I've actually felt that way since I got back.  I'm not happy here, I am when I'm down there. 

Musicman has no idea, that I'm aware of, that I'm planning on leaving. Though really he shouldn't be surprised, I told him I would not stay if our son was here.  Musicman has done nothing to make him leave.

The positive is I'm healing well. And while leaving here and Musicman isn't a positive thing and definitely isn't going to be easy, the thought of doing it,  getting through it, makes me happy.  I just don't feel like I belong here anymore.

Return to Reality

I'm back home. I ended up staying an extra week. My sister-in-law is dealing with a very difficult issue with her mom.  She has dementia and T was forced to place her in a long term care facility a year and a half ago.

The care is horrific and her mom has been declining fast due to the rampant neglect. When I visited last time, about 6 months ago, I was so appalled at her condition I called  Adult Protective Services. They did investigate and still have an open case. Unfortunately those things take time and things have only gotten worse .

Due to a threat made by the facility, we now have the local and state ombudsman, the state licensure board and legal aid involved. The threat was received Friday evening before I was scheduled to leave on Saturday.  T was in a full blown melt down, I  couldn't leave her like that.  Also, I've  spent almost 40 years in healthcare , primarily caring for the elderly.  I had to stay and help her fight for her mom.  It's going to take awhile for everything to work out, but all the right people have been contacted and the issues are being addressed.

I've spent this week getting settled back in here at home and getting ready for my surgery.  Next Friday is the big day.  I'm nervous, but so ready for my shoulder to be fixed.

I was so hoping that time away would help with some clarity between Musicman and myself.  It has, but not in the way I was hoping for.

I may have mentioned before that my son has rage issues, primarily directed at women. He also has a habit of carrying large hunting style knives and a very large scary handgun on him at all times.  Late last summer he came after me in a rage.  Musicman did not step in to stop it or to protect me. I told my son he had to leave, he did.  I made it clear to Musicman that I would no longer live in fear or as a prisoner in my own home.

Two days before I left my son showed up beating on the door saying he'd been kicked out of his apartment. I did not let him in.  I had found out earlier that day that he had been staying with a female cousin of his who is close in age to him and he was close to.  That was after he'd been kicked out of 2 different friends places.  His cousin contacted me later and told me what happened.  He terrorized her, raging at her just like he does to me.  It was so bad she called the police to get him out.

My son needs help, but he's almost 23 years old. In the state I live in you can't force anyone over the age of 14 to get help unless they harm themselves or someone else.  I specifically told Musicman that I knew our son would show up again and if he let him in I was done.  Is anyone surprised that the day I left he showed up and Musicman let him in?

The whole 6 weeks I was gone Musicman promised me he would be gone when I got home.  Anyone surprised I'm home and my son is still here?  I'm not, I love my son very much, but he needs to grow up and Musicman continues to enable his bad behavior, at the cost of my safety and peace of mind.

I've made no hard decisions yet, I'm solely focused on my health and my upcoming surgery.  I have a plan in place to keep myself safe through my surgery and recovery.  I've had long talks with T and my brother and have a plan in place to get out once I'm cleared from my surgeon's care if it's needed. Of course I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but unfortunately, right now, it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen.

Busy busy bee

So things here have been busy busy with boring vanilla stuff.

Paperwork out my ass for my inpending surgery.  Might not be so bad if my hands and arms didn't go numb 3 minutes after I start.  Which wouldn't be the case if I would consent to neck surgery .  Or they could look it up in the computer, but why make things easier for the patient?

Neck surgery?  Not happening anytime soon.

Irritated beyond belief at the ineptness of the insurance companies and the need for the continued fight for the benefits I paid for.  I  don't suffer fool's and idiots easily, and that seems to be what I'm dealing with at every turn.

There was no answer to my email to Musicman.  I waited a week. Nothing.  Not even an acknowledgement that he got it or read it.

I told myself I wasn't gonna confront him.  I  wasn't gonna ask about it.  Yeah right.  I did.

He didn't have much to say about it.  He seems quite happy I'm leaving for a month.

I'll be busy with pre-op testing and other medical stuff when I get home.  Once I do get home it'll only be 3 weeks till my shoulder surgery.  There's a chance, depending on how the healing goes I'll have to go through a second procedure.

So not looking forward to that, or Musicman as my nurse.  Seriously contemplating leaving for good once I'm healed from the surgery.

Yes, I know that breaks the vows I said, and that pains me greatly.  But I seriously think if he can betray me, lie to me and put me last on his list of concerns, then maybe if I have a chance to be happy, I should take it.

I'd like off this Rollercoaster please

Life is full of ups and downs, much like a roller coaster .  We've certainly had our share of roller coaster moments over the last few years.  I don't like roller coasters and would like to get off now please.

I have anxiety issues, bad enough that I take medication for it.  I also tend to be a huge over thinker.  I'm working very hard to stop that, cause when I do, I find myself spiraling into a bad place very quickly.  I don't like myself when I'm like that, so I can't imagine anyone else even wanting to be around me.

Despite trying very hard not to I was spiraling pretty bad on Sunday.  Musicman recognized this and thought a spanking and some playtime might help.  I was skeptical, but he went ahead and got the crop out.

A spanking and playtime did occur.  It helped some, but it also felt kind of akward.  I've never felt that way before from a spanking and/or playtime.  So of course I had to think and rethink, and rethink, ad nauseum, as to why I felt that way.  It clearly was not the outcome Musicman intended and I fear I may have hurt his feelings or shaken his confidence.  Not what I intended at all.

I did eventually figure out what happened that made me feel that way.  Knowing that Musicman is not the best communicator, especially when it comes to these kinds of things,  I did what I thought was the next best thing.  I emailed him an explanation.  I know he read it, but there's been no response yet.

Obviously I'm hoping he does respond, but we do have a lot going on.  I'm getting ready to go see my brother and T.  I'm planning on being gone about a month.  Musicman doesn't like it when I'm gone that long, but this may be the only time I get to see them this year and I want to make the most of it.

Three weeks after I get home I'll be having surgery to fix my shoulder.  It's been almost a year since my injury.  All noninvasive treatments have been tried and unfortunately there has been no significant healing, so surgery is the only choice left.  And poof, there goes the summer that hasn't even started yet.

Up in Flames

Have you ever had such a bad day, week, month, at work, that you fantasized about the place burning down so you wouldn't have to go back?  No?  Just me?

Well let me tell you, if you have had that fantasy, it's one that should stay a fantasy.

In January of 2017 both Musicman and I were up before the butt crack of dawn getting ready for work as usual.  We had the TV on to catch the local news, mostly for the weather. 

Musicman was within minutes of leaving when a story came on that caught our attention.  It was a live report from his place of work, going up in flames.  Through the heroic efforts of the firemen, there were 20 different fire companies there, and a lot of luck, they were able to save part of the building.  The building is filled with multiple flammable things so the fact that it didn't blow up is truly a miracle.

Musicman went on out to see exactly what was going on.  Of course no one could go into the building at that time.  Two days later they were allowed back into the part of the building that hadn't burned.  His job requires him to have his own tools.  He got lucky, while some of his stuff got lost in the fire, most things were salvageable.  Some of his coworkers lost everything.

The business owners opted to keep the business open while rebuilding, but everyone and everything had to be moved around as they lost a third of the building .  It's been over a year and the rebuild is still not complete. 

Of course this has caused many issues and a lot of stress for the employees, Musicman included.  Then just 4 months later I suffered the injury that ended my career.  More stress for Musicman.  A stressed Musicman is pretty miserable to deal with.

Recently I had an idea.  I can hear you all gasping, after the fiasco of my last idea, I  don't blame you.  Let me assure you the only thing being hurt from this idea would be my ass.

I decided that when he texts me on his lunch break and he's having a bad day I would do something to try and cheer him up.  I send him naughty selfies.  I'm not much of a selfie taker kinda person, so I don't think the quality is very good, but he seems to like them.  The unexpected side effect of these selfies has been an increase in spankings and playtime. 

So maybe that fantasy that became a reality wasn't so bad after all.

And a quick update on my last disasterous idea.  I sent Musicman an email detailing how I had intended things would have gone.  So now he knows and things are in his hands as to when it might occur.

Well that didn't go as planned

One of the things I quickly learned when we started TTWD was that given enough time and effort hard limits become soft limits and soft limits fall away.  At least that seems to be how it works for me.

For a man of few words, during playtime Musicman turns into a chatty Cathy.  If it's not a running commentary on what's happening at that moment, it's a narrative on some of his wants that currently fall into my limits category. 

The man could seriously be an erotica writer if he wanted too.  I admit the man and his sexy stories have made me cum without him ever touching me.  He's either very calculating or it's just his way of getting his fantasies fulfilled.  Either way it's working, my limits are changing.

Since things have been going well I had the crazy idea to offer something that I've never done.  Something that previously had been a very hard limit for me.  And, I stupidly did not inform him of my intentions.  I thought it would be fun to surprise him.

He had just gotten into the shower.  I decided to join him, not something I usually do cause at our age a broken hip or something equally as bad is totally possible.  I really thought that since I've recently had to add safety equipment, like grab bars, to our shower it would be ok. 

At first things went quite well. I was pampering him.  Washing his hair, and taking my time to thoroughly wash, rinse and massage him.  I was literally seconds from making my move and offering something he's been talking about for years. 

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.  A misstep on his part and everything came crashing down as he fell.  He wasn't hurt, though wasn't too happy with me either.

We did go on to have some lovely playtime with the flogger, but I still haven't told him what I was going to do.  I was mortified with what happened and am way too embarrassed to say anything then or now. 

It's still on my mind. I think that since I made the decision to do it I now want to follow through and do it for him.  Just gotta figure out how to get over my mortification and embarrassment and tell him.

Never thought I'd do that

Over the years Musicman and I have enjoyed somewhat of an adventurous sex life.  I'd say we covered most of the basics: lapdances, striptease, sex in risky or public places, sex while driving(I strongly suggest caution if trying this one). We've made our own movies, both together and some I've done solo for him.  He has an album of sexy lingerie photos of me that I did as a gift for him.  Even some light bondage.

That was all before I started looking more into BDSM and D/s and started blogging the first time.  Of course after that it was like opening Pandora's box.  Some things I like, some things he likes, some things we both like.

One of the things I wanted to try, but never had the opportunity to do was sexting. Silly right?  I tried for years, to no avail, to talk him into getting a cell phone.  He finally relented and got one the day before I left the first time to visit my brother and T.

We texted everyday while I was gone, both times, though no sexting occurred.  I have finally done it and crossed that off my list.  While fun and has always resulted in playtime later,  I quickly realized two things.  It's always me initiating and he's become addicted to his phone.  Talk about something coming back to bite me in the ass, and  not in the good way.  Considering that Musicman had complained for years about me, "always having my nose stuck in a book", I find this kind of ironic.

I've not said anything to him about this for a few reasons.  First, I'm not the type of person to beg anyone to pay attention to me.  Either you want my company or you don't, I'll adjust accordingly.  Second, there was absolutely no way in hell I was handing him the opportunity to throw my previous behavior in my face, especially since when he pointed it out I stopped doing it.

As I saw it that left me with few options, so I have never said anything to him about it.  I don't like it, but most likely I never will say anything about it.  I did however have a stroke of inspiration a couple weeks ago.

I'm sure most people are on Facebook, not everyone, but most.  A few months back Musicman asked me to help setup a Facebook page for him.  Color me surprised, I never suggested it,  and really never thought he would be interested.  Of course I did help him and thought no more about it.  Until a couple weeks ago.

I happen to be a member of several closed BDSM groups on Fb.  I like them all, obviously, or I wouldn't stay in them.  There is one in particular that I especially like.  It's entertaining, educational, very well run.  The page owner and admins are very good at engaging the members and stimulating member participation.

This is not a group you can click the join button and become a member.   You request to join and once you've been vetted you get an email saying if you're approved or not. If approved you then have to confirm via email that you want to be in the group.

I'm thinking by now you probably know what I did.  Yep, Musicman was in the shower, just about the only time he doesn't have his phone. I hadn't planned on doing it, the thought just popped into my head and his phone was right there.  So yeah, Musicman is now part of the group.  When he questioned it, I played dumb, but my giggling and laughter definitely gave it away.

I'm happy to report that his constant phone use has decreased some(not as much as I'd like, but it's a start), and playtime and even impact play has increased.

Wish my next brilliant idea had worked as well, but that disaster is a story for another day.

Just thinking out loud

Musicman continues to be engrossed in work and hanging on to material things. Material things that while necessary, and I suppose scary to think about losing, it doesn't scare me at all. 

I don't feel these things he's working himself to exhaustion to save, serve us well, nor am I interested in keeping them.  Honestly, I'd be thrilled to let them go and move on.

It saddens me that he is spending so much time and effort on this, to the exclusion of everything else, including me. I spend all day every day home alone, but I'm never as lonely as I am when he's home.  I understand he needs and deserves time to decompress and relax when he's home, but if he's awake, he's  online on his phone, always.

There was a time when I would have addressed this with him, but not anymore.  I've talked till I'm blue in the face.  He knows exactly how I feel about this situation, and still nothing has changed.

I keep myself busy by cleaning the mess and working on fixing the damage done to our home when the kids lived here.  This house no longer feels like my home and I don't think it ever will again.  As I've been cleaning I've also been packing away my personal things, at least the ones that weren't damaged.  Musicman hasn't really noticed.  That saddens me too.

I haven't completely given up, I'm just approaching things a little differently.   I'm trying to focus more on taking care of myself, trying to rebuild my life. Not an easy thing to do when everything around you is falling apart, but I'm doing it anyway.

I did do something I never thought I'd do to get his attention and it sort of worked. But that's a story for another day as I'm still observing and evaluating the outcome.

Inspiration

It's been a long exhausting week.  I've come here many times to write, but can't seem to make the thoughts come together.  I've had this post sitting in my draft folder for years, literally.  It resonated with me then and even more now. Wish I could take credit for the content but I'm not that talented.  I hope you enjoy it and hopefully the brain fog will lift soon.

The struggle is passing - as you allow it to move,
As you release what could have been and what was.
When you soften that resistance and pause for a moment,
All...owing those tears to fall - allowing that anger to rise.

For these moments are intense - they are large waves crashing down,
Admit you are struggling as you roll on the ground.
Give up if you have to - wipe your hands of it all.
Then something will shift - you hear a sweet call.

This call echoes deeply in this heart of yours,
Your soul steps forward with its comfort and care.
The deepest surrender, of letting go is here,
Know you are ready and that you will not feel this way forever.

The reason for this feeling is not something you may understand,
Find some peace with this - and trust everything is how it needs to be.
You cleanse, you purify, you surrender it now,
Dropping all baggage, allow it to fall.

You lay there now - still on the ground,
Your eyes hurt from crying - you are numb from it all.
Suddenly you hear the call of your soul,
You open your eyes and your heart cracks open with light.

Breathing deeply you surrender the rest of this now,
You understand that there is purpose to this past situation.
Standing up now - you rise in your power,
Feeling more alert, aware and stand as tall as a tower.

Take one step at a time - dear gentle soul,
Please know you aren't doing this alone at all.
Many are awakening - many are surrendering,
Walk when you're ready - dance when you're stable.

There is no rush - as time pauses for you,
Breathe deeply and feel each moment unfold.
For you are called into gentle action - based on your truth,
A simple BEing, in this moment, from your heart.

Sending you much HONOUR from my heart to yours,
I know you will move through this time,
Move at your pace, allow love inside,
A deep LOVE and RESPECT for you on your ride.

What has happened to you has a reason you may be yet to understand - and this is ok.
Deep LOVE from my HEART as I journey with you all,


 ~ Lee-Anne Peters ~
Temple of Balance

Salvaging and Rebuilding

I'm quickly getting to the 11 month mark of my injury and 6 months since the diagnosis of the degenerative condition in my spine.  Most of that time has been spent negotiating the labyrinth that is our healthcare and insurance system.

My shoulder isn't even close to being healed, the Dr said, " it's going to take a long, long, long time to heal."  The possibility of surgery at some point is still on the table.  The fact that I will most likely never regain full functional use of it is a sad reality, but one I'm beginning to accept.  As for my spinal condition, at some point surgeries, yes, multiple, will be needed.  I'm not even considering doing that yet.  I manage the pain, though I never have a pain free day.

I won't go into the boring details of how all the benefits worked out. Let's just say some were good, some were not so good, and some have yet to be decided.  There's nothing left for me to do now but wait.

This leaves us in somewhat of a precarious position and unfortunately causes Musicman a lot of stress.  That makes me feel sad and sometimes guilty.  Though I know I have no reason to feel guilty.  I'm working on letting that go.

It leaves me in a position of having to salvage what I can and rebuild what I can't. So that's what I'm attempting to do.  It's slow going.  I have a bad habit of over doing things on my good days, that often triggers the bad days.  But I am beginning to see where I want us to go as a couple and what I can do to get us there.  I've accepted the fact that it's going to be a long, slow road, but, I'm claiming that as a win.

A's to Q's terpsichore edition

The lovely Terpsichore asked, if you could look to the future, what would you hope to see happening in your life five years in the future?

Great question. Very timely question for me at this point in my life.  As I've thought on this question, I realized that to truly answer it, a little back story is needed.

Almost 2 decades ago Musicman and I bought our first home. Our kids were young. The house we picked, and ultimately bought, was a house ideal for raising a family in, for making a home. So that's what we did.

It had a huge, old pool. We were young, we could rehab it, make a wonderfully private sanctuary.  Despite the fact that we live in a city, our pool was situated in a way that made it totally private .  We did that.

The first thing Musicman did was put locks on the  gate, on both sides. We bought a swing that laid down flat.  Yep, I  had a swinging bed next to my pool.

We spent many nights out by, and in that pool, on that swing, and plenty of afternoons.  So many wonderful memories, both family time, and adult. 😆

We spent so much time sitting on that swing, talking about our future.  This house, was never meant to be our forever home. It was where we were gonna raise our kids, then move on. That was the plan. That was always the plan, in detail, sitting on that swing.

Let's just say, life didn't go as planned.

We wore out 2 swings. A pool wall caved in last year. It hadn't been being used anyway, despite the houseful of people living here at the time. I haven't gone back to the pool area in a few years. I know it's dilapidated and overgrown.

So, I guess the actual answer to Terpsichore's question is.

I  don't  know  .

I had a plan, but life didn't go as planned.

A's to Q's part 2

Let's answer some more questions.

Olivia  asked, when did I  first realize I was into spanking or kink? How did I discover it?
I started reading very young and first encountered kink in books, I was hooked.  My first real experience with kink was with high school sweetheart. His parents were quite sex positive and very kinky. He was mostly into bondage and sex in risky places, though spanking did occasionally occur.

PK  asked, what is a wish I have for myself that could really come true? Something for myself not my family. 
Thinking about this really made me realize that it's been a long time since I did something just for myself, something I'm working on changing.  In that vein, I have a couple things to answer this question.  I really want to get a dog. I'm actively working on that.  I'm also actively planning my next solo vacation to visit my brother and T. It's balm to my soul to spend time with them.  Long range, T and I are planning a girls only get away to somewhere tropical.

Fondles  asked, if I could visit any decade in history, which would it be?
This is a question I've thought about off and on for most of my life. I'm not a history buff so nothing deep here. I have always wanted to visit the 1960's.  I was born in the fall of 64, so technically I did live in the 60's, but I've always wished I was older.  I'm slightly obsessed with Woodstock and wouldn't have missed it for anything. Though no brown acid for me. I would also have spent some time in Haight-Ashbury.  Being a flower child in the time of  peace and free love is something I wish I  had the chance to experience.

Lindy asked, if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? What's one thing you always pack whilst traveling?
Honestly, if I could live anywhere, it would be somewhere tropical. I'm a hot house flower stuck in one of the snowiest cities in the country.  If I never saw snow again in my life I'd be a very happy girl.  Technically there are 3 things I always have with me when I travel. My body pillow, my ladybug pillow and my Tinkerbelle pillow. Can ya tell I have a thing for pillows?

Terpsichore asked, if you  could  look to the future, what would you hope to see happening in your life five years in the future?  I  will be  answering this question in a separate post. I actually have much to say about this, just need the thoughts to coalesce into something understandable.

Sometimes I just need to take a breathe

Sometimes I  just need to take a breath.

I just need to take a  step back  from  being the responsible one.

I'm  tired, I'm ìn pain.

I'll be getting back to answering  questions soon.

A's to Q's, part 1

I so appreciate the questions my blogger friends have asked. I'll take inspiration to write anywhere I can get it  😆.

Roz asked: what is my favorite movie? Favorite childhood memory? Favorite implement?

I have 2 favorite movies, Fantasia and Epic. They are both animated musicals.  I absolutely love animated movies, they make the little hidden deep inside me very happy. While I rarely acknowledge my little, to the point I've never even mentioned her to Musicman, this is one way I indulge her. And while Musicman isn't so interested in the animated movies, he knows how much I enjoy them.  He doesn't question or ridicule, he just watches them with me.

So, favorite implement? Hmmm...I like them all. If I had to pick a favorite, I can narrow it down to 2. I love our flogger. I made it myself many years ago. It's a lovely soft suede with a suede yarn wrapped handle. Depending on how Musicman wields it, it can be soft and soothing, or produce a nice thud and even  quite the sting. I used some of the same suede to cover one side of the magic paddle. That's about a 1/2" wooden paddle that Musicman made shortly after I made the flogger. While I do like the magic paddle, I picked something else for my other favorite.

My other favorite implement is a pair of vibrating nipple clamps. I should explain that Musicman quite enjoys forced orgasms, the more the better is his opinion. This is where the vibrating nipple clamps come into play. He's never used them north of the border so to speak. I highly recommend them.

I saved the hardest question for last, my favorite childhood memory.  Some of you who read when I wrote before probably already know I grew up in a very abusive home.  I won't go into all the details again, but I will say, I'm an incest survivor. The assaults occurred on a very regular basis from the time I was very young, toddler age, until several years after I hit puberty. 

Having said that, I do have a favorite childhood memory. I was 17, I'd just graduated from high school. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. He was going to college 900 miles away from where we lived. I went with him, though I wasn't going to school. His mom, dad and brother made the road trip with us to get him settled at school.  They got him all settled in, then he left for  a week long orientation camping trip. His family left the same day to go home. 

I found myself in a city where I knew no one. I had no job and no place to live. I did have my boyfriend's car, until he got back, a suitcase full of clothes and $2000.00 dollars in my pocket. I should have been panicked and scared, but I wasn't. That was 36 years ago and I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I felt joy for the first time in my life. Joy that I had survived, joy that I escaped.  Joy that my abusers could no longer hurt me.  I was finally free.  Probably not what you were expecting. Definitely not a "typical" childhood memory, but still one of the best days of my life.

Dipping our toes into TTWD and Q&A month

We're slowly starting to dip our toes back into TTWD.

He voiced some very valid concerns about causing me the not so good kind of pain due to my current physical condition. 

Strategically placed pillows to the rescue. Takes a little of the spontaneity out of things, but I'll work with that.

The magic paddle has not lost any of its magic and hopefully I'll get more time with it and some of our other toys soon.  I admit I have missed them and the stress relief is desperately needed .

It's March and here in blogland that means question and answer month. Since I primarily  write for myself  I kinda already put it all out there, so not sure if there's  anything to ask, but  feel free. I'm  more than happy to answer.

In that vein, I  have a question of my own. There are quite a few new bloggers, but  I'm  not having much luck following them. Not sure what I'm doing wrong or if it makes a difference that I use a tablet instead of an actual computer. Any suggestions or ideas are greatly appreciated.

I wonder

I've been reading some of my older posts lately, the ones from 3 years ago before the winds blew me away. One in particular resonates with me, the last one I wrote before I flew away, "Progress Sucks Sometimes."  (I tried to add a link, but I'm not that tech savy)

That post had me questioning who I was. At that time I wore so many hats, as most of us ladies do, I often felt I couldn't hold my head up for the weight of them all.

Three years later I find myself pondering that very same question, albeit for very different reasons.

Some of the situations I was dealing with then have come to natural conclusions, as they should. Some  things have come to unnatural and unexpected conclusions. Those have very much left me feeling like the rug was pulled out from beneath me, through no fault of  own. There was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened.

Reality is that I have a degenerative condition that is already severe.  At some point I'll be facing a series of major surgeries that will only be minimally helpful.   I'm also dealing with a slow healing injury that is going to leave me with severely limited use of my arm.

This affects every part of my life.  I find myself wondering if I'll be able to meet Musicman's wants and needs.  I wonder if I will be able to meet my own wants and needs. I wonder, at age 53, what do I want to do with the rest of my life.  I  wonder, with my physical issues, what can I do .

Mostly I wonder, who am I now.

He finally admitted

Yep. He finally admitted that he doesn't know how to deal with, "this me."

He admitted that he's used to me being the strong one. He admitted that despite the fact that I've been saying for years, that I'm not that strong anymore, he didn't want to believe it.  I feel like I let him down.

I want to be that strong, reality is, I'm just not.  He admitted he doesn't know how to handle that. He shared some hard truuths. All valid concerns. I know it was hard for him, and I respect that immensely.

I wish I had a good answer for him.  But this is the first time in decades I've felt weak and I honestly don't have an answer for him.

Honestly, what I really need is for him to step up.  I need for him to be strong, take  charge, give me a break that lasts beyond subspace.

I need to know someone has my back. That would be a novelty for me, and something I wouldn't have appreciated not so long ago.  I  had my own back and didn't need anyone else.

Now?  Now I crave it. I think he's willing, but neither of us know what that looks like. That kinda sucks.

I forgot

I'll be answering comments soon, I appreciate them all, but life just seems to get in the way sometimes

So, I had a not so great moment. I totally forgot to check in with my emotions. I didn't check the negative thoughts.  I spiraled into the abyss, and he walked through the door and caught the brunt of my wrath.

I let something that would normally not bother me, jump on my last nerve. It was ugly and if we were a dd couple I'd definitely deserve a punishment. But we aren't that kind of couple. I sometimes wish we were, but I know that's never gonna happen.

Instead I raged and cried and accused. All the things I said I wasn't gonna do. I'm so ashamed of myself. What came out needed to be said. That I'm not ashamed of, how I said it? That I'm ashamed of.

He handled it so much better than I expected.  He listened, and actually heard me. He calmed my fears, while also expressing his own doubts.

I respect and understand that.

Just some ramblings

Oh what a long, stressful, physically painful week it was. 4 doctor appointments in 2 days and paperwork coming out my ears. Getting older is definitely not for the weak. I've got a long way to go for resolution of all this, but I'm a step closer.

The great thing about it all is that Musicman has been more supportive than I thought he would or could be. I'm not totally sure what changed, but I've been working hard to make changes to myself and my reactions to things.

I've been working hard to be cognizant of how my physical pain influences my emotions and how my emotions drive my moods.

I'm trying hard to be aware of the negative thoughts that so easily creep in and cause me to spiral into the abyss and stop them before that happens. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to meditate again. I practiced yoga for years and the meditation portion of it was always very difficult for me. My mind just runs on so many tracks at once that quieting it is near to impossible, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to be more proactive about how I express myself and my frustrations to Musicman. For instance, he went with me to an appointment where I was going to be getting a steroid shot in my shoulder.  They only help minimally but better than nothing. Something happened at that appointment that upset me. He stepped up and not only did he calm and reassure me, but he spoke up to the medical staff and made sure I got what I needed.  I made sure to thank him and tell him how much I needed and appreciated it.

And, I finally asked for something I hate to ask for and haven't been sure I really wanted.

I was very frustrated one day after having to deal with some of the insurance companies and doctors. Instead of internalizing my frustrations and spiraling to a dark place, I texted Musicman. I honestly didn't think he'd hear it and would probably not find it for hours. 

Surprise, he did hear it, and responded positively. I had just said that I hoped he was having a better afternoon than I was, that I  was frustrated and could really use a good beating and fucked till I didn't remember my own name.

And later that evening, that's exactly what happened. It was kinda glorious and definitely relieved my stress.

I'm trying and though I continue to be frustrated with the paperwork, doctors and pain, I'm hopeful that Musicman and I might finally be turning towards each other again.

The state of our union

During the 5 weeks I was away Musicman and I texted every day. I  really enjoyed that, he almost seemed like a different man.  He seemed like the man I loved, married and chose to submit to. It gave me hope that we would be able to get things back on track.

Now that I'm home he texts me every day on his lunch break. I find that sweet and look forward to those texts.

I think anyone on the outside looking in would see a loving, happy, middle age couple content with their life. I'd even go so far as to say that's exactly how Musicman feels most of the time.

He goes to work.  I  spend my days dealing with no less than 4 different insurance companies and as many doctors wading through paperwork and jumping through hoops trying to get the care I need. Well, it's more like a tuck and roll cause I don't jump.  Either way, it's all very frustrating.

Musicman comes home to a mostly clean home, some things I just can't physically do, and a decent meal.  I do my best to give him time to relax and recoup after long days at work. He needs it and deserves that.

We continue to be intimate a few times a week, though not much kink going on.  I  admit that I miss it, but I don't ask for it. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that with him again

One of the glaring problems that no one would see is the lack of  support from Musicman. He's either incapable or unwilling to provide that. If he finds me in tears of frustration with my current situation, he literally says nothing and walks away.  All I really need in those moments is a hug and encouraging words. I've voiced that to him and he gives me a blank look and walks away.

I'm a very independent, take charge and get it done, kind of person. Being physically incapable of doing the things that I want or need to do is also frustrating. Though difficult for me to ask for help, I do.  Musicman usually has some lame excuse as to why he can't or won't help.

I truly do not understand why he's acting this way. If I try to open a dialog about it, no matter how calm and non-judgmental I am, he doesn't take it well. He most often gets instantly angry and verbally attacks me. He turns around everything I say and accuses me of trying to make him feel bad.  That is never my intention and I'm often stymied at how he is able to make any and every situation about him.

I'm literally stuck right now while I work my way through the nightmare maze that is our health care system.  I've been informed that could be another 3-6 months. Until then I don't need to make any decisions about where I go moving forward.  I hope that time and hard work on my part allows me to make the right decision.

Where do I go

So  many great insights and thought provoking questions.

There was a time when being submissive to Musicman was good for me. He took care of me. Looked out for me. Helped me heal.

I know that's why I'm struggling so much now.

I no longer feel that way.

How , despite the major difference in how we each see our future, do we make it work?

I still love him. I  don't want to hurt him. I took my vows very seriously, but..

But I'm not happy. And  he isn't inclined to make the changes that will make me happy.

Where do I go from here?

Lost in my submission

With the onset of my injury and the new diagnosis that is complicating my healing, I can no longer work.

I live in an area of the country that is exceptionally cold and snowy.  If it's not the grocery store or a Dr appt, I don't go out.

I spend a lot of time alone, living in my head.  It's a scary place in there.

I also don't sleep well. I never have...here comes the but...but, pain of the not so good kind, makes it even more of a challenge.

It gives me too much time to think. That's never a good thing.

I've spent so much time thinking about how I chose to submit.  I don't remember the day, but I remember the moment.  Like it were yesterday, instead of 30+ decades ago.

Given the circumstances of the last handful of years, I wonder if I've lost myself in the cloak of my submission.

I think about all the compromises I've made to please him.  The adjustments I've made, to please him.  The things I've sacrificed, to please him.

I'm not so sure that submission to him is such a good thing for me.

So many questions and decisions to be made, yet stuck in limbo for the moment.  Which just gives me more time to think.  Ugh.

Firsts

Growing up we all experience firsts. First crush, first dance, first kiss, first love, first heart break. I've experienced all those things.

I had gotten to a point in my life where firsts seemed to be few and far between.  How wrong I was.

I had come home from a first vacation without Musicman. It was wonderful, relaxing and therapeutic. I  worked hard to put the past behind me and begin aknew.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Our son, who was still living with us, has rage issues. Often aimed at me.

I'll say it was ugly. I'll say it's the first time I ever let someone call me a "dumb fucking cunt"  walk away unharmed.  He owes that to Musicman.

I left. Another first for me.  I walked right the fuck out of there. Musicman was blowing up my phone. I didn't answer. Another first for me.

I went to M's.  She helped me calm down and eventually I went back home.  Musicman and I talked. The boy child/man, moved out.

But... my life seems to be filled with buts lately... everything I felt I had accomplished towards healing and moving forward was undone.

T and I are in constant contact. She needed and wanted my help.  So I did something else for the first time .  I left Musicman.

Yes, you read that right. I left him. I never thought that I would actually walk away from my husband and marriage, but there's a first time for everything.

I went to my brother and T.  I stayed 5 weeks.  I only came home because I had a  doctor appointment. I  have a lot of those lately.

I'm currently dealing with several major health issues and trying to keep my marriage from crumbling.

I sometimes doubt my strength.

Breaking an ironclad rule

Sometimes the need to write, to express myself, my inner most thoughts, is so powerfully overwhelming. My head whirls with thoughts that yearn to see daylight. Thoughts that want to be examined, untangled and understood.  I'm so grateful to have this place to do that, but that big, white, blank page is always intimidating. Very strange, but  apropos I suppose, since I'm somewhat strange myself  😆.

I had an opportunity this past summer to get away for a while.  I'd just gotten out of the damnable sling I'd spent the past 2 1/2 months in. My shoulder wasn't healed, but stable. The doctor felt I needed a little more time to heal before starting therapy, so not much to do but wait. Yeah, I'm not so good at that.

When the opportunity to get away for a while presented itself I was totally on board. I  felt it would be good for me to get away from everything, leave the stress behind and focus on myself for once. I also thought it might be a bit of an eye opener for Musicman. A chance for him to see what I was dealing with on a daily basis at home. 

Our daughter and her family had finally moved out the previous fall, but our son was still with us. I  really wanted to see how Musicman dealt with everything without having me around as a buffer.

I knew it was going to be difficult, if not impossible to convince Musicman.  We've had a few ironclad rules from the very beginning of our relationship. Rules I readily agreed to at the time and until recently had no problems obeying. One of those rules is that I ALWAYS sleep in Musicman's bed.  This is a non-negotiable rule. It's a rule that's never been broken, except in extenuating circumstances.

Needless to say, it was a tough sell. The only reason Musicman reluctantly agreed and allowed me to go was because I was going to stay with my brother and his wife.

I've always been close with my brother.  Not surprising he's a lot like Musicman in most, though not all respects. My sister-in-law, T,  is the sister of my heart. We'd be happiest if we lived next door to each other instead of 600 miles apart.

I had 3 glorious weeks of fun and sun and no responsibilities.  T and I spent many nights sitting on the porch, listening to music and talking well into the wee hours of the morning. Dancing in the rain together at 5am after spending the whole night talking and singing along to all our favorite songs was balm to my soul.

I worked through a lot of the things I needed to during those porch nights with T.  Lazy mornings over coffee and weekend jaunts to fun places was exactly what I needed.

Musicman and I texted every day and I truly felt we were making positive progress. Moving forward through the pain of the past. As much as I didn't want to leave, I did feel as if I  was coming home with a fresh view of things. A chance to leave behind me all the negative, embrace the positive and move forward together.

Yeah, about that...

Trust

Trust is not something that comes easily for me. Growing up in a home rife with abuse will do that to a person.  I built walls so high and so thick no one was getting through.

I learned very young not to count on anyone but myself.  I didn't wait or look for anyone to come and save me. I saved myself. I spent 5 years alone, doing what I needed to do to survive and thrive.

Then Musicman burst into my life. He was a game changer. He didn't take no for an answer when he wanted something, and he wanted me.

It definitely took a while, but together we broke through the walls.  I learned to trust, I learned what being part of a large, loving family was like.  I felt like that was a true gift that Musicman gave me.

We've been together over 3 decades.  I had gotten to a place that felt safe and secure. I trusted him.  I can honestly say he's the only person in my life I have ever really truly trusted.

But, (there's always a but, isn't there),  in the last few years he's lied to me, hidden things from me, and in general broke my trust. So much so, that last summer I removed my collar. 

I miss it. I  miss what it represented to me. Trust.

Let me be clear,  he did NOT cheat.  He's never raised a hand to me in anger. 

He says the things he hid and lied about were minor, though he could give me no good reasons for this behavior, that I " should just get over it". 

Yeah, I'm working on that. A story for another day.

PAIN

Pain is something we've all encountered in our lives .

Pain can come in many ways and forms. It can be mental, emotional pain. Pain that stops us in our tracks, brings us to our knees and changes who we are to our very core.  Loss of a loved one, an end of a relationship, broken trust and betrayal, just to name a few.

In my experience, you don't get over that kind of pain. You can work your way through it, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I've heard people going through this kind of pain say, they just want things to go back to normal.

I believe that's a naive way of looking at it. I've learned from experience that things never go back to normal. No, in order to move through that kind of pain you must adjust to a new normal. That in itself can be extremely painful, but I know no other way to move through that kind of pain.

Physical pain is obviously something I, as a confused, but curious masochist, have a few thoughts on.  But that's for another day.

"M"

While life has been a bit of a challenge the last few years, it's not been all gloom and doom.

When I accepted the full time position at work I was fully aware that I would be transferring to a totally different program. It was a program in transition. They added 4 full time staff, myself being one of them. 

One of the best benefits was a double desk.
Yep, I had to share a desk. That's how I met M.
She's 13 years younger than me and about as big around as one of my legs.

I'm  5' 10". She's  5' 2". Beautiful red head and I almost fell off my chair when she said I had beautiful blonde hair. My hair is grey. A little bit of silver and white mixed in.

We clicked immediately. We talked openly about everything. Including sex.  She is divorced from an abusive man and  has 3 teenagers. One is autistic and one has a  serious health issue.

We have similar backgrounds, toxic mom's and abusive alcoholic dad's. Prior to her marriage she had  been in a D/s relationship.

She asked my advice about online dating. I've  been  married longer than the Internet existed. I  couldn't help her in that circumstance. But I did help her with something.

She wanted to replace her sex toys. Now that's a subject I know something about. She took me to my first brick and mortar sex shop.

Wednesday's are ladies day. We went every Wednesday. We became friends with the owner. A lovely , friendly lady who hooked us up.

Musicman is fanatical about checking the bank statement online.  Makes it rather hard to surprise him. But, like Pavlov's dogs, he'd  see the bank transactions and look for the nondescript grey bag. That was a fun summer.

Where the winds blew me

So, I  said  I  never meant  to  be  gone 3 years. Many things have occurred in those  years. It's hard to even know where to begin.

Life just seemed to blow me away. And I let it. It was just easier that way. My life  was in turmoil.

I  had a household full of adult children and grandchildren and animals that weren't mine.

I  wasn't  at all happy.  Musicman  and I  were at constant odds. I  felt like a prisoner in my own home. I  so wish I  could say he supported me, but truth is, he didn't.

While I understood why  he made the decisions he made, I  didn't necessarily agree with him. In all honesty, I  felt betrayed.

Despite everything I had overcome and survived, and  as much as I thought I was thriving, I  wasn't.

I  was so busy taking care of everyone else, I forgot to take care of myself.  I let people walk all over me, use me and abuse me. Something I said I would never allow again. And yet I did.

Against my better instincts and gut feelings, when a full time position became available in a different program with my employer, I  took  it.

Not because it was best  for  me, but because it was best for my family. That's  what mom's do right?

I  was more than qualified, even  did very well at the  job. But the atmosphere started  to  make me quite ill, quite often.

That was difficult in itself.  But I also had to deal with sexual  harassment from  my boss. Reporting him got me no where. Old boys clubs still exist.

Wish I could say Musicman supported me, but not really. He was just  happy I was making money and helping support  our adult  children. I  call it enabling, but  whatever, I  knew I  was  never gonna win that one.

I  took  a  proactive  approach with my health.  I  was seeing my doctor, making  lifestyle changes that would  make  things better.

Yeah, that totally backfired on me.  A med I  was prescribed caused me to black out and have  a  seizure. I  ended up being diagnosed with a  separated  shoulder that 8 months later still isn't healed, and may never fully heal. I  also have been  diagnosed with severe arthritis and  stenosis  in my  spine  and  throughout  my  body .

I'm  no longer  able  to  work.  It sucks. For so many  reasons .

That's  enough  for  now .  Probably  wasn't  what  you  were  expecting ,  neither  was I .