Monday, November 25, 2019

Who am I?

I mentioned in my last post that we are redefining who we are individually and as a couple. This has been especially so for me, I find myself in a position I never really imagined.

I've worn many faces over the years: daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, lover, wife, mother, grandmother, employee, caregiver, mentor, victim, survivor, thriver, submissive,  massochist.  But, who am I now?

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I don't honestly know.  I guess I'm still a daughter, but my parents are deceased.  I'm quite OK with that since they were the ones who made me a victim. I  became a survivor and thriver without any input or support from them. 

I'm still a mother and grandmother, but my children and grandchildren do not live close.  I'm not an active participant in their lives due to long standing issues that have caused us to be estranged.  That makes me sad, but they aren't interested in changing that and I can't  force them to make the necessary changes required. Musicman has a better relationship with them and he frequently shares pictures of our grandkids with me.

Employee, caregiver, mentor: many years ago I chose to pursue a career in health care.  I spent 38 years as a professional caregiver. I was quite successful and for a period of time mentored people entering the profession. In addition to being a professional caregiver, I also found myself in the position of being the main caregiver for family and friends.  I found it quite fulfilling. 

Unfortunately, 2 1/2 years ago I sustained a separated shoulder in an accident. I haven't worked a day since then.  Shortly  after that I received a diagnosis of severe degenerative arthritis in most of my major joints and spine.  Chronic pain and numbness on some level have become my new normal.  I will never be able to hold down a job again.  I find it very ironic that I spent so many years caring for others and now I struggle to take care of myself.

I can now happily say I continue to be a wife and lover to my Musicman. Just a year ago I thought that was coming to an end.  It's been a tumultuous year, but we're finally in a good place. Due to my physical issues and things that Musicman is going through,  being physical lover's is a bit more challenging than we would like.  We are communicating well about these issues and are working through them.

Submissive and masochist, yes those proclivities are still present for me, I just don't  indulge in them right now.  Obviously my physical issues are partly the cause of that.  If properly motivated we could find ways to work around them.  I don't want to. Musicman has brought it up a few times, but I've  shut him down every time.  Right now I don't feel  like I'm in a good place mentally or emotionally to bring D/s or TTWD back into our relationship. There is a part of  me that misses it, but there's a bigger part of me that isn't ready for that yet.  I'm not sure what it would take or what would need to happen for me to be comfortable with that dynamic again.


  1. I hate to hear of your health problems. But sometimes things happen of which we have no control. But I am happy that you are content with your relationship with Musicman. As for lifestyle, I'm at the same place you are. It's still in my mind and heart, but I fulfill these desire in fiction rather than in real life. Nick brings it up in play occasionally and I'll go along if he wants it, but my hearts not there.

  2. mmmmmmmm -- the situation is reversed here -- I so dearly miss (and need) the pain -- the masochist in me is fretting.... But Sir Steve's mind set isn't there right now... we've talked about it and I am being patient hoping that one day his desire will return.

  3. Hi Faerie,

    I too hate that you are battling health issues. So glad to hear you and Musicman are in a good place and are communicating and working through issues together.


  4. I am not sure how I missed this post. At any rate, the health thing can rob us of so many aspects of ourselves, it is great to hear that it hasn't robbed you and Musicman of each other for the long haul.

    D/s is not an easy road to travel for anyone, naturally it has it's benefits but it is work and at times can be very emotionally draining and send one's head/heart into the unknown. If you are unsure of it, I think you are wise to wait and ride the good wave with Musicman without it for now or forever.

    That being said, it is truly amazing what a year can do. Happy things feel better for you now.


  5. I am glad that you and Musicman are happy. If you feel the time is right to explore other elements into your relationship you always can - it is wise to follow your inner thoughts. Hoping you find a way to ease the physical pain you experience daily. Hugs to you

  6. It's awful - pain can change the way a person functions almost immediately. It's not easy to deal with, but at least you're in a better place with Musicman right now and that's so good to hear.

    Hold off on the D/s until you know you are ready. This is one of those times when you really should just do what your gut/ instinct tells you. And if it says no, then no.

  7. I am glad to come back and see that you and Musicman are still going strong, despite life's challenges.
    Almost funny how we change along the way, isn't it? If there was one thing I could drill into the head of my younger stubborn self, it would be that everything and everyone changes. No one will be exactly the same person they were ten years ago. But when we're lucky, our evolution remains compatible.

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