Caught in His Web

Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
objectification,
slave,
orgasm denial,

yes,
yes,
yes.

"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.