Monday, November 12, 2018

Short update

Hi everyone, thank you all for the support , it really is appreciated.  I thought of all of y'all during my drive yesterday .  It helped me quite a bit when I started getting nervous about doing the drive. 

I definitely had angels on my side. The drive was uneventful and I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing it. 

I obviously have quite a bit of things to do to get settled into this next phase of my life. Internet service is kind of spotty, but I'm hoping to be able to pop in occasionally with updates and to visit.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Thank you and farewell, for now

First I'd like to say, Thank You.  Thank you to my readers and commenters over all the many years I've come here to express my thoughts and emotions.

This is the most welcoming community I've ever had the privilege to be a part of.  No matter what I'm dealing with I've always been able to come here and express myself.  I've received love, support, friendship and the occasional kick in the ass when needed.

I wish blogland was a real physical place.  There have been so many days I would have given just about anything to pop in and have a cup of coffee or maybe a glass of wine and chat with y'all.  I've found much wisdom and strength from each and every one of you, be it through comments you've left, or what you've shared on your own blogs.  Y'all have helped me more than you can know. 

Now for the farewell. 

I've spent the last several weeks getting my affairs in order.  I'm leaving Musicman.  Words I never thought I'd say.  Words that break my heart.  I still love him, but this relationship, the entire situation really,  is toxic.  If I don't leave I will not survive.  I  truly believe that and can not let that happen.

I'm leaving Sunday.  I'm going to be staying with my brother and T.  I've spent quite a bit of the last year with them and that truly is home for me now.

I'm scared.  I'm excited. I feel confident in my decision.  I feel free.  I'm looking forward to having a life and being happy again instead of just existing. 

I don't know if I'll have much time or content to write about so I don't know if I'll ever come back.

I don't long distance drive. I tend to have panic attacks just being a passenger in a car on the highway.  I have to drive 300 miles by myself on Sunday.  Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated, especially since there is a good possibility I'll be driving through a snow storm the first couple of hours. 

I wish you all much love and happiness .

Friday, October 26, 2018

Self Preservation vs. Selfishness

Self-preservation  - noun,
Preservation  of oneself from destruction or harm.
A natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve ones own existence.

Selfishness  - noun,
Being concerned obsessively or exclusively, with oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.

These words and definitions have become an obsession for me. 

I haven't concerned myself much with the first one lately.  Years really.  Self care is not my strength.

I don't think anyone would accuse me of the second.  In fact, more to the point, I've  spent my entire adult life, both personally and professionally, caring for others. Sometimes to my own detriment.

I feel the need to change that.  I need to practice some self-preservation.  In order to survive and thrive again,  I have to learn self-preservation.

Ironically, I'm struggling with that.  It feels selfish to me.

Being a strong adult sucks, probably why I identify as submissive.

That's not actually working out so well, time to take my power back.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Trust and Communication

Trust, so crucial for a healthy, happy relationship.  I've often heard that it can take months, years, or even decades, to earn someone's trust.  I can reliably say that has been my experience.

There was a time, after many years, that I trusted Musicman without question.  I believed unconditionally that I could share anything with him and he would love and support me.  For many years, decades even, he did, until he didn't.

Disrespect, lies and betrayal became the cornerstone of our relationship.  Despite all that, I kept hanging in there.  Hoping and trying to make things better between us.  It didn't work, mostly  because I was the only one trying.

I finally accepted, after several separations over the span of a year, that what we had couldn't be fixed.  I accepted that my marriage was over. I just had to go back home to finalize some things, mostly health related.

Then what seemed like a miracle happened.  Musicman came for me.  He said everything I wanted and needed to hear.  He made promises that I wanted to believe.  I freely admit, I believed him.  However, trust broken isn't that easy to reestablish.

I actually have felt guilty during the last 2 months that I've been home I have not been open with my communication. I haven't entirely trusted him or his intentions.  I haven't been totally honest about what I want, intimacy wise.  It felt too soon for me. I needed more time, and actions from him before I felt I could fully commit to us again.  In short, I was guarding my heart.

Turns out I was wise to do that.  Yeah, without even a second thought, he betrayed me again.  He lied to me and put me in a position to fear for my physical safety.

I grew up a victim of horrific abuse. I  survived and even thrived and I made a vow to myself.

I. Will. NEVER. Be. A. Victim. Again.

I rarely give second chances.  Musicman got one because I love him so very much.  Unfortunately,  he didn't appreciate how much I loved him or how huge it was that he got a second chance.  He will not be getting a third chance.  I'll be getting my affairs in order and at age 54, starting a new life in a new place.

Wish me luck, I haven't been single since before the Internet began, not even sure I remember how.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

First Time

When was the last time you did something for the first time? 

That's a song by Darius Rucker.  It has really resonated  with me ever since I heard it.   I am very much an adventurous person, not necessarily a thrill seeker, but definitely adventurous.  That song made me realize how stagnant our life had become.  So I've decided to change that.

T helped me get started.  My brother's 50th birthday occurred while I was down with them. He wanted to ignore it, she wanted to plan something epic for him.  So we set about planning .

We recruited some good friends. A young neighbor family with 3 young kids and another neighbor friend, a single mom and her young son.   We rented a pontoon boat for the afternoon. We had plenty of food and beverages.  Trying to coordinate and get everyone to the place on time, without telling my brother what was going on, was a bit challenging but we pulled it off.  None of us had ever been on a pontoon boat before.  We had an absolute blast.  Watching my brother help the little ones take turns driving the boat is a precious memory I will forever hold close.  He told T and  I that it was the most fun he'd had since they moved south 4 years ago.  That alone made all the stress of  planning and executing that adventure worth it.

That wasn't the only adventurous thing I did while with them.  I had lots of first time moments, but I also fulfilled a bucket list item.  There is something I've been wanting to do for many years.  Again I recruited T and the wife of the young couple who went on the boat with us, we've become very close.

I got my nipples pierced.  I wasn't afraid or worried at all. In fact T and Ash were getting other things pierced, nothing nearly as exotic as their nipples, but they were practically hyperventilating when we pulled into the parking lot of the piercing place.  I  volunteered to go first.  The piercer was quick and very professional.  It took about 10 minutes and T and Ash couldn't believe that I carried on a normal conversation the whole time. 

Musicman is totally obsessed with them, though a bit bummed that he can't play with them yet.  It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that I got them done.  They are healing well, so hopefully soon he will be able to give them the attention he'd like.   He is determined that I'm going to wear a chain connecting them together.  I'm not opposed to that, but realistically, it's gonna be a while before that can safely happen.

And now for something on the serious side. For any of my readers in the path of Hurricane Florence,  please be safe.  My brother and T are in a place that is going to take a direct hit. Evacuations have been issued but my brother is refusing to leave.  T is scared out of her mind and stressed beyond belief.  I'll be praying for everyone in it's path and some positive thoughts from y'all would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, September 7, 2018

His Oh Shit Moment

Where to even begin? So much has happened.  Despite the heaviness in my heart about the end of my marriage I had a wonderful time with my brother and T.  They take excellent care of me and are totally 100% supportive of whatever I need to do to be happy and healthy.

I spent the first couple weeks relaxing, letting my shoulder heal and enjoying adventures with them.  T and I talked extensively about what I needed to do to physically leave my home and start my new life.  I actively planned what I would be taking with me, not very much, and how I was going to get those things along with myself to my new home.  I had a viable plan complete with a doable timeline.

During this time Musicman continued to text me several times a day.  I cringed every time he did.  It was very much like texting with a distant acquaintance.  Our inability to talk about anything important or relevant to our relationship just reinforced for me the need to leave. 

Then something happened, something changed.  Not with me, with Musicman.  He wanted to come down and see me.  He said he missed me. He said he wanted me back.  I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.  I had no reason to believe that he had changed or that him coming to see me would change anything.  I'll be honest, I didn't want him coming down and ruining my sanctuary.  I didn't want bad memories of him haunting me in a place I felt safe and empowered enough to start life over.

A few days after that text I received a phone call from Musicman. He was very distraught and emotional.  That in itself is quite out of character for him.  He admitted that he'd made many mistakes in the last few years.  He admitted and apologized for the fact that those mistakes really hurt me.  He asked again if he could come and see me.

I was reluctant to let him come.  I set some very clear ground rules for him if he did come down.  He agreed to those ground rules and he did come down.  I was tentatively hopeful that he not only meant the things he had said to me but also that his actions would align with his words.

Musicman has never taken a long distance trip without me.  He's always the driver and I'm the navigator,  that has always worked well for us.  This trip was his first test, he had to do it alone.  For various reasons that were not of his doing a 10 hour drive turned into 13 hours. 

I was excited to see him, but a bit nervous too.  Had he really changed?  Was he really going to be the man I loved so much or was he playing me?  I  truly didn't know and that scared me.

Things started out well.  I saw the change in him immediately.  He was again the man I fell in love with all those years ago, the man I wanted, the man I needed him to be.  We had a wonderful couple of days together, then things went off the rails.

One evening, after a lovely day together, the Musicman of the last few years came back.  Things got ugly.  I felt like a complete idiot for believing him, for believing he had meant all the things he said.  I definitely felt I had made a big mistake letting him come down. 

T,  bless her soul, stepped in and acted as a mediator and counselor.  We talked and talked and talked.  I felt like we were going in circles and accomplishing nothing.  To say Musicman is stubborn is an understatement and there were things he had made his mind up about that he just couldn't let go of.  Things that would make it impossible for us to move forward together. 

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  I left Musicman and T still talking and showered and went to bed.  I'm not sure what T said, but the next morning Musicman and I talked again.  This time he heard me,  he let go of his preconceived notions and actually listened and validated what I was saying.  My Musicman was back.

The rest of our visit went very well.  I came home with Musicman, though we both wished we could have stayed longer.  I was a bit worried that things might not continue to go well once we got home.  So far they are, much to my pleasant surprise. 

Musicman did something huge that really went a long way toward restoring my trust in him.  A huge sticking point for me was the fact that our adult son was living in our home.  Musicman had told him he was coming to see me and that he needed to be out of the house when we got home. 

Our son wasn't home when we got home, but his stuff was here. That made me very nervous and unhappy.  He showed up the next afternoon.  I know it wasn't easy, but Musicman confronted him and told him he couldn't stay.   He actually listened and left.  We've spent our first week home cleaning and reclaiming our home and reconnecting with each other.

I still don't know what happened that finally caused Musicman to make the changes he needed to make to keep me from leaving.  I have no plans to ask either.  Whatever it was isn't nearly as important to me as the fact that it did happen. 

I have my loving, devoted Musicman back. Our communication is better than ever and we are both actively working on making our relationship better everyday.  This is definitely not where I saw myself a month ago, but  I'm so glad I took the risk and gave him a chance.  I'm once again a happy faerie.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

The Next Chapter

I'm currently enjoying the warmth and sunshine south of the Mason-Dixon line.   I've been back here with my brother and T for a little over a week now. 

I'm following doctor's orders,  resting and allowing my shoulder to heal.  I have to head back up north at the end of the month for my next check up.  I don't want to go.

Musicman and I finally had a much needed discussion before I left. Getting Musicman to talk about our relationship is nearly impossible.  It was never easy, but has become much worse over the past year or two.  That fact in itself has been a big issue for me, but I was determined and pushed until he talked.

I wasn't really surprised with what he had to say, his actions have been saying it for quite sometime, but it still stung a bit to hear.  He told me, " I used to want you.  I want to want you, but you make it too hard."

I'm not the type of person to stay somewhere I'm not wanted.  I now find myself trying to wrap my head around the fact that after more than 3 decades I'm going to be single again.

I'm not afraid, a little sad, but oddly, a little relieved.  I've experienced and survived so many life changes, so I know I will survive this one too.  I'm trying to find the positives in this situation, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm trying to picture in my head what my life might look like as I move forward, but I'm  not there yet either. 

One thing I know for sure, I won't have to face this next chapter of my life alone.  I have the full support of my brother and T.  While I'm grateful beyond words for that, I've realized I've never actually had that in my life before.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  No one, not even Musicman ever really loved, cared and supported me for me.