Monday, July 16, 2018

Post-op Post

It's  been a little over a week since my surgery. It took 3 hours instead of 1 hour as they expected.  They found significantly more damage than was expected.  That resulted in 2 incisions around my shoulder instead of 1.

I'm in a sling again and am not supposed to move the shoulder at all.  That makes simple things like bathing, dressing or using the bathroom quite the challenge, but I'm doing pretty good with it all.

As I expected, Musicman is not a good caregiver.  I was really hoping he would step up and put my needs first, but that hasn't happened .   In fact he acts quite put out if I ask him for help, so I don't  ask unless it's absolutely necessary.

Our son is still here, I  haven't spoken  a single word to him, nor has he spoken to me.  Musicman would like me to make amends with my son, but I did nothing wrong and have nothing to say to him. Especially since something as simple as him not liking my tone of voice can set him off.

I have my post-op appointment on Thursday.  Once I have that and find out what comes next with my shoulder, will dictate what I do next. 

Honestly, I  just keep thinking,  I want to go home. To me that is no longer here, it's down south with my brother and T.  I've actually felt that way since I got back.  I'm not happy here, I am when I'm down there. 

Musicman has no idea, that I'm aware of, that I'm planning on leaving. Though really he shouldn't be surprised, I told him I would not stay if our son was here.  Musicman has done nothing to make him leave.

The positive is I'm healing well. And while leaving here and Musicman isn't a positive thing and definitely isn't going to be easy, the thought of doing it,  getting through it, makes me happy.  I just don't feel like I belong here anymore.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Return to Reality

I'm back home. I ended up staying an extra week. My sister-in-law is dealing with a very difficult issue with her mom.  She has dementia and T was forced to place her in a long term care facility a year and a half ago.

The care is horrific and her mom has been declining fast due to the rampant neglect. When I visited last time, about 6 months ago, I was so appalled at her condition I called  Adult Protective Services. They did investigate and still have an open case. Unfortunately those things take time and things have only gotten worse .

Due to a threat made by the facility, we now have the local and state ombudsman, the state licensure board and legal aid involved. The threat was received Friday evening before I was scheduled to leave on Saturday.  T was in a full blown melt down, I  couldn't leave her like that.  Also, I've  spent almost 40 years in healthcare , primarily caring for the elderly.  I had to stay and help her fight for her mom.  It's going to take awhile for everything to work out, but all the right people have been contacted and the issues are being addressed.

I've spent this week getting settled back in here at home and getting ready for my surgery.  Next Friday is the big day.  I'm nervous, but so ready for my shoulder to be fixed.

I was so hoping that time away would help with some clarity between Musicman and myself.  It has, but not in the way I was hoping for.

I may have mentioned before that my son has rage issues, primarily directed at women. He also has a habit of carrying large hunting style knives and a very large scary handgun on him at all times.  Late last summer he came after me in a rage.  Musicman did not step in to stop it or to protect me. I told my son he had to leave, he did.  I made it clear to Musicman that I would no longer live in fear or as a prisoner in my own home.

Two days before I left my son showed up beating on the door saying he'd been kicked out of his apartment. I did not let him in.  I had found out earlier that day that he had been staying with a female cousin of his who is close in age to him and he was close to.  That was after he'd been kicked out of 2 different friends places.  His cousin contacted me later and told me what happened.  He terrorized her, raging at her just like he does to me.  It was so bad she called the police to get him out.

My son needs help, but he's almost 23 years old. In the state I live in you can't force anyone over the age of 14 to get help unless they harm themselves or someone else.  I specifically told Musicman that I knew our son would show up again and if he let him in I was done.  Is anyone surprised that the day I left he showed up and Musicman let him in?

The whole 6 weeks I was gone Musicman promised me he would be gone when I got home.  Anyone surprised I'm home and my son is still here?  I'm not, I love my son very much, but he needs to grow up and Musicman continues to enable his bad behavior, at the cost of my safety and peace of mind.

I've made no hard decisions yet, I'm solely focused on my health and my upcoming surgery.  I have a plan in place to keep myself safe through my surgery and recovery.  I've had long talks with T and my brother and have a plan in place to get out once I'm cleared from my surgeon's care if it's needed. Of course I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but unfortunately, right now, it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen.

Friday, May 4, 2018

Busy busy bee

So things here have been busy busy with boring vanilla stuff.

Paperwork out my ass for my inpending surgery.  Might not be so bad if my hands and arms didn't go numb 3 minutes after I start.  Which wouldn't be the case if I would consent to neck surgery .  Or they could look it up in the computer, but why make things easier for the patient?

Neck surgery?  Not happening anytime soon.

Irritated beyond belief at the ineptness of the insurance companies and the need for the continued fight for the benefits I paid for.  I  don't suffer fool's and idiots easily, and that seems to be what I'm dealing with at every turn.

There was no answer to my email to Musicman.  I waited a week. Nothing.  Not even an acknowledgement that he got it or read it.

I told myself I wasn't gonna confront him.  I  wasn't gonna ask about it.  Yeah right.  I did.

He didn't have much to say about it.  He seems quite happy I'm leaving for a month.

I'll be busy with pre-op testing and other medical stuff when I get home.  Once I do get home it'll only be 3 weeks till my shoulder surgery.  There's a chance, depending on how the healing goes I'll have to go through a second procedure.

So not looking forward to that, or Musicman as my nurse.  Seriously contemplating leaving for good once I'm healed from the surgery.

Yes, I know that breaks the vows I said, and that pains me greatly.  But I seriously think if he can betray me, lie to me and put me last on his list of concerns, then maybe if I have a chance to be happy, I should take it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

I'd like off this Rollercoaster please

Life is full of ups and downs, much like a roller coaster .  We've certainly had our share of roller coaster moments over the last few years.  I don't like roller coasters and would like to get off now please.

I have anxiety issues, bad enough that I take medication for it.  I also tend to be a huge over thinker.  I'm working very hard to stop that, cause when I do, I find myself spiraling into a bad place very quickly.  I don't like myself when I'm like that, so I can't imagine anyone else even wanting to be around me.

Despite trying very hard not to I was spiraling pretty bad on Sunday.  Musicman recognized this and thought a spanking and some playtime might help.  I was skeptical, but he went ahead and got the crop out.

A spanking and playtime did occur.  It helped some, but it also felt kind of akward.  I've never felt that way before from a spanking and/or playtime.  So of course I had to think and rethink, and rethink, ad nauseum, as to why I felt that way.  It clearly was not the outcome Musicman intended and I fear I may have hurt his feelings or shaken his confidence.  Not what I intended at all.

I did eventually figure out what happened that made me feel that way.  Knowing that Musicman is not the best communicator, especially when it comes to these kinds of things,  I did what I thought was the next best thing.  I emailed him an explanation.  I know he read it, but there's been no response yet.

Obviously I'm hoping he does respond, but we do have a lot going on.  I'm getting ready to go see my brother and T.  I'm planning on being gone about a month.  Musicman doesn't like it when I'm gone that long, but this may be the only time I get to see them this year and I want to make the most of it.

Three weeks after I get home I'll be having surgery to fix my shoulder.  It's been almost a year since my injury.  All noninvasive treatments have been tried and unfortunately there has been no significant healing, so surgery is the only choice left.  And poof, there goes the summer that hasn't even started yet.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Up in Flames

Have you ever had such a bad day, week, month, at work, that you fantasized about the place burning down so you wouldn't have to go back?  No?  Just me?

Well let me tell you, if you have had that fantasy, it's one that should stay a fantasy.

In January of 2017 both Musicman and I were up before the butt crack of dawn getting ready for work as usual.  We had the TV on to catch the local news, mostly for the weather. 

Musicman was within minutes of leaving when a story came on that caught our attention.  It was a live report from his place of work, going up in flames.  Through the heroic efforts of the firemen, there were 20 different fire companies there, and a lot of luck, they were able to save part of the building.  The building is filled with multiple flammable things so the fact that it didn't blow up is truly a miracle.

Musicman went on out to see exactly what was going on.  Of course no one could go into the building at that time.  Two days later they were allowed back into the part of the building that hadn't burned.  His job requires him to have his own tools.  He got lucky, while some of his stuff got lost in the fire, most things were salvageable.  Some of his coworkers lost everything.

The business owners opted to keep the business open while rebuilding, but everyone and everything had to be moved around as they lost a third of the building .  It's been over a year and the rebuild is still not complete. 

Of course this has caused many issues and a lot of stress for the employees, Musicman included.  Then just 4 months later I suffered the injury that ended my career.  More stress for Musicman.  A stressed Musicman is pretty miserable to deal with.

Recently I had an idea.  I can hear you all gasping, after the fiasco of my last idea, I  don't blame you.  Let me assure you the only thing being hurt from this idea would be my ass.

I decided that when he texts me on his lunch break and he's having a bad day I would do something to try and cheer him up.  I send him naughty selfies.  I'm not much of a selfie taker kinda person, so I don't think the quality is very good, but he seems to like them.  The unexpected side effect of these selfies has been an increase in spankings and playtime. 

So maybe that fantasy that became a reality wasn't so bad after all.

And a quick update on my last disasterous idea.  I sent Musicman an email detailing how I had intended things would have gone.  So now he knows and things are in his hands as to when it might occur.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Well that didn't go as planned

One of the things I quickly learned when we started TTWD was that given enough time and effort hard limits become soft limits and soft limits fall away.  At least that seems to be how it works for me.

For a man of few words, during playtime Musicman turns into a chatty Cathy.  If it's not a running commentary on what's happening at that moment, it's a narrative on some of his wants that currently fall into my limits category. 

The man could seriously be an erotica writer if he wanted too.  I admit the man and his sexy stories have made me cum without him ever touching me.  He's either very calculating or it's just his way of getting his fantasies fulfilled.  Either way it's working, my limits are changing.

Since things have been going well I had the crazy idea to offer something that I've never done.  Something that previously had been a very hard limit for me.  And, I stupidly did not inform him of my intentions.  I thought it would be fun to surprise him.

He had just gotten into the shower.  I decided to join him, not something I usually do cause at our age a broken hip or something equally as bad is totally possible.  I really thought that since I've recently had to add safety equipment, like grab bars, to our shower it would be ok. 

At first things went quite well. I was pampering him.  Washing his hair, and taking my time to thoroughly wash, rinse and massage him.  I was literally seconds from making my move and offering something he's been talking about for years. 

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.  A misstep on his part and everything came crashing down as he fell.  He wasn't hurt, though wasn't too happy with me either.

We did go on to have some lovely playtime with the flogger, but I still haven't told him what I was going to do.  I was mortified with what happened and am way too embarrassed to say anything then or now. 

It's still on my mind. I think that since I made the decision to do it I now want to follow through and do it for him.  Just gotta figure out how to get over my mortification and embarrassment and tell him.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Never thought I'd do that

Over the years Musicman and I have enjoyed somewhat of an adventurous sex life.  I'd say we covered most of the basics: lapdances, striptease, sex in risky or public places, sex while driving(I strongly suggest caution if trying this one). We've made our own movies, both together and some I've done solo for him.  He has an album of sexy lingerie photos of me that I did as a gift for him.  Even some light bondage.

That was all before I started looking more into BDSM and D/s and started blogging the first time.  Of course after that it was like opening Pandora's box.  Some things I like, some things he likes, some things we both like.

One of the things I wanted to try, but never had the opportunity to do was sexting. Silly right?  I tried for years, to no avail, to talk him into getting a cell phone.  He finally relented and got one the day before I left the first time to visit my brother and T.

We texted everyday while I was gone, both times, though no sexting occurred.  I have finally done it and crossed that off my list.  While fun and has always resulted in playtime later,  I quickly realized two things.  It's always me initiating and he's become addicted to his phone.  Talk about something coming back to bite me in the ass, and  not in the good way.  Considering that Musicman had complained for years about me, "always having my nose stuck in a book", I find this kind of ironic.

I've not said anything to him about this for a few reasons.  First, I'm not the type of person to beg anyone to pay attention to me.  Either you want my company or you don't, I'll adjust accordingly.  Second, there was absolutely no way in hell I was handing him the opportunity to throw my previous behavior in my face, especially since when he pointed it out I stopped doing it.

As I saw it that left me with few options, so I have never said anything to him about it.  I don't like it, but most likely I never will say anything about it.  I did however have a stroke of inspiration a couple weeks ago.

I'm sure most people are on Facebook, not everyone, but most.  A few months back Musicman asked me to help setup a Facebook page for him.  Color me surprised, I never suggested it,  and really never thought he would be interested.  Of course I did help him and thought no more about it.  Until a couple weeks ago.

I happen to be a member of several closed BDSM groups on Fb.  I like them all, obviously, or I wouldn't stay in them.  There is one in particular that I especially like.  It's entertaining, educational, very well run.  The page owner and admins are very good at engaging the members and stimulating member participation.

This is not a group you can click the join button and become a member.   You request to join and once you've been vetted you get an email saying if you're approved or not. If approved you then have to confirm via email that you want to be in the group.

I'm thinking by now you probably know what I did.  Yep, Musicman was in the shower, just about the only time he doesn't have his phone. I hadn't planned on doing it, the thought just popped into my head and his phone was right there.  So yeah, Musicman is now part of the group.  When he questioned it, I played dumb, but my giggling and laughter definitely gave it away.

I'm happy to report that his constant phone use has decreased some(not as much as I'd like, but it's a start), and playtime and even impact play has increased.

Wish my next brilliant idea had worked as well, but that disaster is a story for another day.