Am I the BJ Lady?

Just got home from work and my feet are killing me. I might be tempted to give up spanking forever for a nice foot rub. Okay, not forever, but a foot rub would be heavenly right about now. Of course a nice spanking would make me forget how much my feet hurt, so I guess maybe I won't give them up. As if I was ever really considering that!

I was looking at the Google terms used to find my blog. There has been a huge influx of people looking for me by name. That's very flattering. I never imagined anyone would really be interested in the drivel that spills so copiously from my head, but apparently people do.  Thanks people.

The most common term used to find me has been blow jobs. Now someone is Googling, "loves to give blow jobs" blogspot. I never realized how may ways to look up blow jobs on the internet there were. I never bothered to look since I already love them so much. I get a lot of people searching for blowjob bruises too. Why would someone want to cause bruises by giving a blow job? Just wondering!  Hmmm...maybe I should change the name of my blog. Just kidding, I wouldn't change the name of my blog now.  Though I could call it The Blow Job Lady.

I also pretty regularly get people Googling "sex tease." I could take this offensively, I'm not a tease. Well, I might be a tease. Teasing is fun, I freely admit that. I also admit I like to tease my hubby. Why else would I walk around the house in tiny little Tinkerbell shorts? Or, short skirts and no undies? There is a reason why Musicman likes to follow me up the stairs instead of leading the way, the view is better.

Since I never say no to any advances or overtures though, I don't think I qualify as a tease.  Hopefully they are looking to find out how to be a tease. Or, maybe they are trying to figure out how to spot a tease. I don't really know. Maybe I should do a post on being prepared to follow through if you are going to tease. That would be the responsible thing to do I guess. No one finds me by Googling  "responsible" though so I am not gonna worry too much about it.

Another very common term that brings people to my blog is "selfish submission" or any combination of those two words. I did do a post very early on where I said I felt my submission was selfish. This is not a reflection on anyone else or what submission looks like to them. Nope, it's all about me. This is my blog after all. It's probably the most selfish thing I have ever done for myself too.

Taking the time everyday or every other day out of my schedule to write does seem selfish. But, I'm not a very selfish person in general, so I think I can slide by on this one thing. The benefits to me and to our relationship far outweigh any selfishness on my part anyway. I have learned so much about myself and dealt with some tough issues that have haunted me for years by writing here. I am in a really good place after going through a couple really bad years. That can't be selfish.

Sharing totally unrelated fairy pics with every post might be selfish. Too bad, I like fairies and I'm gonna share the pics, cause I can. What would you expect from a blogger named faerie, who entitled her blog, faerie learns to fly?

Selfish or not, tease or not, blowjob lover or not. I love blogging. I love my readers and all the wonderfully insightful and delightful comments they leave. I love the friends and the connections I've made with like minded people.

I won't be changing the name of the blog, I won't be giving up spanking anytime soon. I may have to work a little harder to find the time and an appropriate topic to write about, but, I won't be giving up my selfish habit of blogging anytime soon.


I'm no angel after all!!!!

I'm a Lucky Girl!

I survived my first day of work. It was kinda strange after being out of work for so long. The environment is definitely different then what I am used too. I have only met a very few of my co-workers so far, and they are proving to be interesting already.

What do you say to a young woman, younger then my daughter, who unsolicited, shares that she was a virgin until she was 19 and also got pregnant when she was 19? What do you say to the single mom who has a son the same age as my son who shares that she is barely making ends meet?  Her "old man", is in prison and she doesn't make enough money to pay her rent every month. I don't remember what I said, probably some professionally, socially acceptable drivel. I do remember what I was thinking however. I was thinking what a lucky girl I am.

My most favorite time of day is when Musicman gets home from work. We do not have cell phones and do not text each other throughout the day. There is something so satisfying about the coming together at the end of the day. Talking about our day spent apart. Learning about the people we are when we are at work. Reconnecting as a couple. These times have become very precious to me over the years. That is what I mourned about last evening, I didn't want to miss out on that.

When I got home last night Musicman was waiting for me at the door. He had a cold drink waiting for me. Not only had he fed himself, but he cleaned up after too. He also finished some laundry that I hadn't quite gotten too, yet. We went up to our room and I changed into something comfy and even though it was late, we talked about our day.

I did most of the talking, he patiently listened to everything I had to say. I can be a bit scattered sometimes when I have an overload of information. That's what yesterday was, and probably the next few weeks will be like that. He will listen and give opinions or suggestions and in general help me cope with a new situation. I had so much to say that even though I asked how his day went he didn't say much about it. He was focused on me and how my day went. That is a skill not a lot of people have.

This is just one of the many reasons why I am such a lucky girl. I have someone to come home too. Someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who appreciates the things I do. Someone who listens when I need it. Someone who picks up the slack without being asked or expectations of reward. Someone who works just as hard as I do to make our life what it is. Someone who takes of and cares for, me. Someone who is a true partner to walk through this world with. I'm a lucky girl. Tired, but lucky :)

The next few days will be a challenge for me. I haven't done this much physical activity in at least 5 years. My last job was a desk job. Yuck, I didn't like it much and am glad I won't be doing it anymore. The exercise will be good for me, but, there will be an adjustment period.  I am going to be stiff and sore and tired. I'm no spring chicken, ya know?  Thanks to Musicman though, I know a great cure for all those maladies. Wonder if he wants to administer some medicine tonight? Can you guess what he would prescribe?

Odd Weekend

This weekend was an odd weekend. Holidays are usually somewhat hard for us. They used to be a time of family and friends and visiting and fun. Generations together, laughing and loving. Much of our family is gone now.

I wear a tattoo on my chest, part of it is a constellation of seven stars. They represent the immediate loved ones we have buried together over the years. All but two of them are from Musicman's family, there presence in our lives is missed deeply.

So many of our close friends, people we consider family, have moved away. We did see a few friends on Saturday night. It was fun, but kind of awkward. One couple are newlyweds. When asked how the honeymoon was the woman said she was tired of her husband after three days and wanted to go home. The man complained that he went 4,000 miles away to a nude a beach and the only tits he saw were his wife's. He was clearly disappointed. This couple is in there mid thirtys and it is a second marriage for both, but I still thought it was sad.

One of the other couples is a single woman in her 40's and her latest man. She goes through them like water. The third couple was Doc and Mrs. Doc. I was getting an odd vibe from the ladies all night. I'm not sure why. I do know that the single woman kept telling me how good I looked, to the point of creepy she said it so many times. When I was thinking about it the next day I realized that if I looked so good it is because I'm happy. Genuinely happy, I don't think many people really are genuinely happy with there lives. That's kind of sad too.

Yesterday I woke up in one of those stupid hormonal weepy moods. I HATE days like that. There was no reason for it either. We had some lovely play time the night before. It involved liberal use of the flogger. I do love the flogger.  He uses it so well!

We spent most of yesterday working on the pool. We got alot done and it should be swimmable soon. It is hard physical work and that helped me some. Looking forward to skinny dipping with Musicman is always fun. I wasn't too grouchy or too weepy, but I wasn't too happy either.  When I was done working I showered and put on one of my favorite skirts. Sometimes that helps me feel better too, not so much yesterday.

I curled up, all nested into our comforter on our big bed and rested while Musicman showered. When he was done showering he sat down on the edge of the bed and was rubbing my back. He knew I had been having a bad day and had done what he could to help me all day. He just rubbed my back while I quietly cried for no apparent reason. Then he said the magic words.

"I think someone needs some stress relief, someone needs a spanking."

I just kept quietly crying, stupid hormones.

"Am I right?" he asked me

I just nodded my head. At that point that was about all I could get out, stupid hormones.

He rolled me over onto my tummy, and raised my skirt. I was arranged over the rolled comforter and was clutching onto it for dear life. He used the hairbrush and total stress relief was achieved. He laughed at me when he was done and said he hoped I wouldn't need to sit at my job today. No I won't need to sit at my job, but I'm happy I am still feeling it today.  In fact I was feeling so good this morning I sent him off to work with a blowjob.

I start my new job today. I have an evening shift and will be leaving a few hours before Musicman gets home from work. It will be the first time in a while since he has come home and I haven't been here with his meal ready. I'm much more stressed about that then he is. I don't think he is bothered at all actually.  I will be home just a few hours after him. Poor guy, he will be almost ready for bed then and I will probably be all wound up.  Ah, well, such is life.

Wish me luck on my new adventure. I haven't worked outside the home in 2 years.

Memorial Day!!

Today's post is dedicated to my youngest brother.

He has served in the United States Navy for almost 20 years.

He willingly sacrifices to protect the freedoms so many of us take for granted.

Thank a Veteran, not just today, but everyday.

By Request: A Bit More About Musicman

Recently I added an "About Us" page. I did this because my most popular post, by far, is the "My Secret" post. That post details my history of abuse and it bothers me somewhat that that is what people read and might think defines me. I considered for a short time removing the popular post feature.  I decided instead to add the "About Us" page to give a bit of background. 

I recently received a lovely anonymous comment on that page asking me to write more about Musicman. The commenter said he seemed "sweet." He is sweet, but in his own words, "it depends who you are." No one really knows Musicman the way I do, he doesn't let people see that side of him.

So, I decided to grant the commenters request and write about Musicman. He is my favorite subject to write about. Musicman is the great love of my life, he is my savior and the center of my world.  In my mind, my life began when I met him. He gave me the fairy tale life I always believed I could have.

In many ways Musicman is a polar opposite to me. I think that we give each other balance in this life. He is an over the top pessimist, I am an over the top optimist. He is serious, I am silly.  He is stable and steady and rock solid. I sway with the wind and follow every desire. Musicman has lived in the same 5 mile radius his whole life, I have a gypsy soul.  His family has deep roots in this area. I stay for him, my home is wherever he is.

My hair is almost totally grey, he has none, despite the fact that he is older then me. Just by a few months, but still, older.  I have 8 large colorful tattoos, and planning more, Musicman has none and doesn't want any. I am an extreme extrovert and love people. Musicman is an extreme introvert and does not like people. I love the sun and tan easily, Musicman hates being in the sun and burns and peels. I never wear shoes unless required by law, Musicman never goes barefoot. He wears slippers in the house and watershoes in the pool. Musicman is a meat and potatoes guy, I am a veggie girl. My wardrobe is filled with bright colors, Musicman tends to dress all in black. Polar opposites, yet, it works well for us. Balance is a good thing.

Musicman comes from a large, loving, boisterous, extended family. The kind of family I always longed for, he shared them with me. I will be forever grateful for that. He is the oldest of three boys. When I met him he was living at home and helping his father care for his mom, who was disabled and his two younger brothers.

Musicman has a baby face with the cutest dimples that he passed down to our children. He wears a full beard that covers them, so I am the only one, other than family, that knows that. He is quiet, but when he does talk, people listen. He has a wicked sense of humor and is still capable of cracking me up at any given moment. He has an amazing head for trivia and can appropriately quote movies, tv shows or songs for any situation. He does the voices pretty good too.

Musicman plays the guitar and has a good singing voice, though he doesn't sing loudly. He doesn't like to be the center of attention. Musicman is a car guy and can often be found underneath the hood of a car. Need your car fixed? Call Musicman, everyone does. For that matter, he can fix almost anything.

Musicman is responsible, loyal, hardworking, humble and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He doesn't befriend just anyone, most of his friends he has had since his childhood days. If you make it into his inner circle you are golden, he will do anything for you.

If you happen to be family, like I am, you get the very best of him. He would sacrifice his own life for family without batting an eye.  He always says he just wants me to be happy. He will do anything, within reason, to make me happy. What more could a girl ask for?  Nothing! I have everything I need to be happy. I have him, and I always will.



Thank you anonymous, for giving me a reason to brag about my man.

Prelude to an Interlude

The warm weather has arrived with a vengeance, it's been in the high 80's - low 90's for the last several days. That's July - August weather for us, but it's only May. Musicman doesn't care for the heat and will most likely be putting the AC in soon. I like the heat and the AC messes with my sinuses so I'd rather wait to put it on.  He works in the heat all day long so he deserves some relief when he gets home. When he decides to put it on, I will deal with it.

One of the wonderful things about the warm weather is the abscence of need for any kind of sleepwear. Not that I ever really need them since we have a heated waterbed and Musicman is my own personal self contained furnace. But when it's warm I can go nekkid and not freeze to death when I get up to visit the ladies room.

The other reason it is nice to sleep sans clothes are the mornings. We both woke when the alarm went off way too early. I didn't have to get up, but he did. He pulled me into his arms and started slowly stroking my back. I just layed there soaking in his scent and letting my hands roam as well. Unfortunately within just a matter of minutes he needed to get out of bed and get moving. Don't want to be late for work ya know.

I rolled over to snuggle his pillow and drift back off to sleep while he went about the business of getting ready for work. The TV was on, tuned to the morning news, he was in and out of the room going about his business. All this stuff was only half registering with me as I floated in that almost asleep stage.

CRACK... CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK.

OK, I'm wide awake now. A brisk little spanking on an exposed butt will do that to a girl. I rolled over and just looked at him. Must a had a "what did you do that for?" look on my face. He said that's what I get for pointing it at him, lol. Good to know that's all it takes to get his attention.

Since I was now awake and laying on my back, he took advantage.

Slap, slap, slap, slap.   Mmmm... a pussy spanking to go with the other spanking.

Definitely no thoughts of sleep now. Tweaks to my nipples and hands roaming my body soon followed. Oh yeah...come back to bed baby.

Instead, he reached for my hands and pulled me up to a sitting position. This puts my face on a level with his cock. I leaned forward and started kissing him through his briefs. He reached down and lowered the briefs enough for me to actually touch skin.  I couldn't resist, I reached out and started hungrily licking the head. All to soon for me, he pulled away and finished dressing.

I tried to get him to come back to bed. I offered to write a note to his boss excusing him for being late for work. I am a Mother afterall, everyone knows it's okay if you have a note from Mom, right?  I suggested he just tell the guys he had a priority situation to deal with. I think they would understand that a naked, horny wife is more of a priority then getting to work on time.  He wasn't buying any of it, he did however say he wants more of all of it later.

I'm patiently waiting for later. Heeheehee. We have three whole days of later ahead of us!!

Just a side note to let everyone know how much I appreciated all the opinions on my last post. I appreciate you all contributing to the conversation. It really helped me get things straight in my head. I sent a message to my sister-in-law informing her I would not be going to the shower with her and my Mother. I feel bad for my SIL as she will now be the one who bears the brunt of my mom and sister's poison. I did tell her that once the shower was over, if she needed a sympathetic ear to vent too she could call me.   I love my brothers and their wives, we all get along great and don't want to lose that, but right now that's all I have to offer them.

Have safe and happy holiday weekend everyone. 

Opinions Needed

Warning: Totally vanilla post ahead!!!  Also be aware for anyone with abuse issues there may be triggers for you so you may not want to read.

Ok, I am seeking opinions here. I have a decision to make. I don't want to even face this decision much less actually make it, so I am seeking input.  Don't be shy, feel free to speak up and give me your opinion. I will take it all in and discuss the situation with Musicman and then I will think some more. Eventually I will make a decision, I have to one way or the other as there is a deadline for it.

So here's the situation: My mother and I have been estranged for about 2 years following ten years of me being her primary caregiver. I recently found out that she has terminal cancer and is refusing treatment. I have no problems with her refusing treatment as she and I have discussed this at length. I know what she wants and have known she wants to die for some time now.

The issue for me is that I really don't want to become involved in her life again. I've said everything I need to say to her and really wouldn't have a problem with her passing without me seeing her again. I know that sounds selfish and self serving, and in a way it is. It is self protection on my part, I don't want to get sucked in to her drama.

Some of you are probably thinking, but she's your mother. Yes, she bore me, that's about it though. She didn't protect me, she didn't nurture me. Quite the contrary, she blames me for the abuse. She has come right out and said it was my fault my father raped me repeatedly throughout my childhood. I've never understood that one, but I am not going to change her mind so I let those kinds of comments slide.

My oldest nephew, whom Mom is very close to, is getting married at the end of the summer. His fiancee invited me to the bridal shower which is being held this weekend. Unfortunately, she mailed my invite to my Mother. She really wants me to attend with her.

I have never been close to this particular nephew and was somewhat offended that the fiancee, who I've never met, couldn't be bothered to get my address and mail it to me. Petty of me, I know. 

This particular nephew is my sister's son. My sister and I are not at all close either. I spent a good many years taking care of her too. We are nothing alike and she resents my happiness with Musicman. She has actually said, "it's not fair you got the life I wanted, you are the bad girl." Apparently, in her mind, I don't deserve to be happy and the fact that I have worked hard to get where I am is not important.

I know if I attend this shower with my mother the rest of my family is going to see it as a reconciliation. They are going to expect me to step in and take over her care and final arrangements.  At this point I would be good with not being involved at all, except for my brothers.

I have 2 brothers, one I have always been close with, the other is much younger and I didn't really know him until we were both adults. The youngest one lives out of town and is also estranged from our mother. The other one has taken over our mother's care since I bowed out 2 years ago. I know he needs my help and I want to be supportive of him. I just don't want to deal with our mother or sister. I should also say that my brothers do not know about the abuse. I was forbidden to tell them about it as a child. As adults I tried once to tell my brother I was close to. It didn't go well so I dropped the subject and have never mentioned it again.

As I said I will be seeking Musicman's opinion, I always do. But, he has a hard time relating to this kind of family dynamic. He comes from a normal loving family and can't really fathom families like mine.  Also, he is going to advise me to do what ever I think I need to do, he will always support me in that. He is not a big fan of my mother or sister, but for him family is important.

So, I am asking for honest opinions, what would you do? I don't want the abuse to define me, but I also don't want to sway so far the other way that I leave myself open to being hurt again. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. Should I let sleeping dogs lie and skip the shower, or should I bite the bullet and the do right thing as society defines it? 

I need to make a decision soon and I'm very torn about it. Please, tell me what you would do.

Achieving the Fairy Tale

I've been thinking about Ana's suggestion to write about my earliest happy memory.  As I said, I imagine for most people that would be a childhood memory. I don't have any truly happy childhood memories. Sure there were times that things we did were fun, and it probably seemed to any outsider looking in that I was a normal happy kid. The abuse I was experiencing though was always present and prevented true happiness.

I thought about the time after I moved out and was alone. It was a heady time for me, freedom was at hand. I had great friends and lots of wonderful times. But, I knew I wanted more for myself. I wanted the fairy tale life I had read about so often in the books I escaped into to survive my childhood. I believed I could achieve that life too.

People told me otherwise, told me that life isn't like that. I would say the obligatory things and tell them I knew that. Secretly though, I always believed that there was a great love out there for me and that if I could just find him I would achieve the fairy tale.

I didn't find him, he found me, almost as soon as I stopped looking. I didn't stop believing, I was just taking a break. Who knew that Prince Charming wore a leather jacket and hung out in seedy bars? Not me! But I sure am glad he did.

It didn't take me long to realize that with him I could have my fairy tale. The happiest times of my life were those early years together. The years before we had kids and other responsibilities to worry about. We were young and in love and trying to figure out how to make it all work.

Musicman is not much of a talker about feelings and emotions and that kind of stuff, but I think sometimes that is a good thing. One thing I realized quickly is that since he doesn't talk much about it, when he does, I pay attention. He was pretty clear about the things he needed to be happy in the relationship and what he expected from me.

I did change quite a bit to fit his expectations, but they were always changes for the better, not frivolous type things. Things that made me feel better about myself and my place in the world. He was also quite subtle about working his way around my issues to get what he wanted. He has never been into forcing me to do anything, wouldn't work even if he had been.

One of the first things he did was basically train me to never say no to sex. He never came right out and said I couldn't refuse him, he just made it so I never wanted to refuse. If I said I was too tired, he said he would put me to sleep. If I said I had a headache or cramps or some other mild malady he said he would make me feel better. Since he always backed up all his claims it didn't take long for me to trust him.

That trust carried over into our everyday lives too. It was very easy for me to follow his lead, for me to accept that he was usually right. Not because he was a man, but because of the person he is.  There were definitely times I doubted him early on, he never pushed me when I did. He would just let whatever situation it was play out, then deal with the aftermath. I learned quickly that while he would always be there to catch me when I fell, if I worked with him and listened to him I wouldn't fall in the first place. It doesn't mean that he has all the answers, but together we always manage to find the answers we need.

We may not have ever used the words dominant or submissive, but that's basically how it worked out for us.  Being submissive may not be right for every woman, but for me, it was. I believed in a fairy tale.  I achieved it, and I owe it all to the fact that I got the right Prince Charming for me.

A Lazy Kind of Weekend

My housework is finished, the last load of laundry is almost done and the dinner prep is completed. Time to take a break. It's never a good idea for me to get on the computer before I get the needed things done, or they don't get done. I've been thinking all day about what to post for my 100th post. Ana suggested I write about my first memory that makes me happy. Great suggestion, thanks Ana.

I did think about it, I suppose for most people that would be a childhood memory of some sort. Not for me though and it made me sort of shy away from those thoughts. I'm gonna think on that one some more. Cause it sorta fits in with some other emerging thoughts and they don't seem quite ready to pop to the fore ground yet.  So instead you get to hear about my weekend.

The weather got really warm, mid 80's, that's more like July weather for us. It made getting everything done easier. It's just so much easier to get up and get moving when the sun is shining and the windows are open. We were up and out of the house to start necessary errands at 7:30 Saturday morning. That's pretty much unheard of for us, but we needed to get the stuff done and Musicman was going to be doing some work for my brother later in the morning.

Once he got home from the work he was doing for my brother there were more errands to be done. I spent most of the afternoon trailing around behind Musicman while he did some shopping for stuff he needed. I wasn't too interested in the stuff he was looking at, so I wandered around in the general vicinity of him, looking at stuff through kinky eyes. It is kind of amazing the stuff you see differently when you look.

One store offered a fine selection of bamboo rods, meant for staking plants. Naturally that's not what spanko me saw. For a half a second when I first spotted them, I thought of mentioning them to Musicman and what my spanko friends would do with them. Then I came to my senses and moved on without uttering a word. I don't think I am all that ready to learn what a cane feels like. I'm glad I didn't point it out cause just two rows over Musicman was testing out all the grill brushes for swingability, and commenting on how each might feel.   I suppose when he is seeing pervertables everywhere there is no longer any doubt he is a spanko too.

We were going to start opening the pool this weekend and we talked about the fact that I could really use a new bathing suit. I haven't had one in a while and I have lost quite a bit of weight so a new one is a good idea. I really didn't want to go bathing suit shopping. Musicman pointed out the fact that I rarely wear one anyway so we skipped it.  Since the kids are grown and we have a lock on the privacy fence that surrounds the pool, if I wear anything at all to swim in it is usually just a thong. Guess I could get some new thongs, but I so rarely wear even that much to swim in it didn't seem necessary. I just wasn't much in a shopping mood, I did however get a new windchime for the porch and an herb garden for my windowsill.

After a long busy day we had some dinner and showers and drove out to my favorite firefly watching spot.  Unfortunately, it seems it's a little early yet for the fireflies to be out. Oh well, probably soon. It was a pleasant drive and since it is a familiar one Musicman let his hands roam while driving, one of the advantages of skirts without panties. We fell asleep watching movies, getting old is so much fun.

Musicman did discover Sunday morning that the way to wake a naked wife is not with the flogger. He had woken up before me and pulled me into his arms and woke me up with his roaming hands. When he started softly with the flogger it was so soothing it was putting me back to sleep. A few sharper strikes with it wasn't motivating me to move too much either.  Since his cock was awake and wanting some attention he figured maybe the spoon would get me moving, it did. Sunday morning sex is a great way to start the day, it also made it about noon before we were through with breakfast and ready to get started with some work on the pool.

After a few hours of very physical labor on the pool I was pretty stinky and ready to stop for the day. By the time I was out of the shower Musicman had finished up what he had been working on so he hopped in the shower. Since we were home alone and the only thing better then Sunday morning sex is Sunday afternoon sex we decided to go for round two.  Afterwards while I was making dinner he would stroll into the kitchen and lift my skirt to swat or rub or pinch, then he would wander back out. Wander in again and put his hands down my sun top and pinch and fondle my breasts, then wander back out.  It's really a miracle I didn't burn dinner with all the distractions.

After dinner we went for a nice ride, we saw some adorable baby geese and watched an entire lane of cars stop to let the turtle cross the road. We watched the sunset over the beaches and had some ice cream on the way home, chocolate extreme blizzard for me.  That's my kind of weekend, slow and lazy with plenty of playtime, but also getting the necessary things done.

Flogging Away the Stress

I've said before that Musicman is not much for talking about stuff, he is more of a doer. The number one thing he is into doing is fixing things for me. He just wants me to be happy, just tell him what I need to be happy and he is on it.  A smart girl wouldn't argue with that kind of logic. I'm a smart girl!

After dinner last night he spent some time on the computer then we watched some TV together. After the show he wanted to see he went up to take a shower while I continued watching TV. After his shower he came back down to the living room to get me. He said I was a silly girl for getting so worked up. I wish I was as laid back about things as he is. He said if I came up stairs with him he would help me relax. I went upstairs with him!

I cleaned up, changed into my nightie and joined him in bed. He retrieved the flogger from its resting place on the headboard. He started by slowly dragging it up my body from my pussy to my throat. It is so soft, I love the feel of it. After a few slow passes he started swinging it. He hit my thighs, my pussy, my stomach, my breasts. Very light soft flicks that felt like heaven.

He stopped for a moment and reached for the headboard again. It was the nipple clamps. Small gasps escaped me as he put them on. I was still trying to catch my breath and adjust to the clamps when the flogger started again. Harder this time, concentrated on my thighs and pussy. The thud and the following sting soon had me arching up to meet the blows.

At first he would bring me right to the brink of orgasm and then change to flogging my breasts. Oooh does that feel good. Once or twice the clamps took a direct hit and would send me shooting out of orbit. After several cycles of this he was back to flogging my pussy. I was so turned on by that point that he easily brought me to orgasm with the flogger several times.

Then just to keep me guessing he used the flogger to bring me to the brink then dropped the flogger and started in on my clit with his tongue. I do believe heaven is a cool tongue on a well flogged pussy. I was arching so far off the bed at this point that all my weight was supported by my feet and shoulders.  Several more rounds of the flogger and tongue ensued. By now I was so far out of it I couldn't have told you my own name if my life had depended on it.

He wasn't done though, he flipped me over onto my belly and with one hand firmly seated between my legs, on my now drenched pussy, he started flogging my backside. Sometimes soft gentle strikes, sometimes hard ones. I never knew which it would be and it wasn't too long before even the absence of the flogger between strikes was excruciatingly exquisite. My mind running with anticipation of what the next strike would be. I'm delighted to say he has a natural talent for swinging a flogger.

Before too long I collapsed in an exhausted heep on the bed. He let me catch my breath then it was time for some more fun. When he finally disrobed I was more then eager to taste him. I knelt next to him and took him in my mouth. He picked up the flogger again and continued to warm my back side as I eagerly worked on him with my tongue and mouth. When he dropped the flogger and started in with a flurry of hand swats I lost it again. I had to stop what I was doing because he was in danger of being bitten.

That's okay, he had something else in mind. He positioned himself behind me and entered me quickly and smoothly. I was out of mind with all the orgasms I had already experienced, but I am never done until he cums too. I was begging and pleading with him as he pounded into me. All I could do was hold on and scream my pleasure. He came deep inside me and that set off the last and most powerful orgasm of the night. We both collapsed in sated bliss and were soon fast asleep.

That's what I call stress relief!






My next post will be 100 for me.
Any suggestions or requests?  

Can I run away NOW?

I'm having one of those days. The kind of day where I should just go back to bed and start over tomorrow.

I can feel the anxiety about starting the new job building. I usually handle new things pretty well, it's the build up to actually getting started that is causing me to be anxious.

I have the corporate orientation tomorrow morning.











If that had been the only thing on my mind I probably would have been okay. Unfortunately, I have children. Musicman is fond of saying, "little kids little problems, big kids big problems."  Our kids are big, need I say more?

 My son is positive that at 16 he knows EVERYTHING

.

And then there is my daughter who isn't too happy with me right now. She suffers under the illusion that life should be easy.









Just for shits and giggles let's add hormones run amok to the mix.





Since running away doesn't seem to be a viable option, I think I might need some help with stress management.

     

The Power of a Blowjob

I read a wide variety of blogs, from vanilla to BDSM and everything in between.  I'm nosey, I like to hear about what other peoples lives are like. I check out a lot more then I read regularly. I read a lot more then I comment on. Some people are just too smart for me to have anything to add. Some peoples experiences are just so different I have no idea what to say, others are so similar I have plenty to say. The one thing that unites all the blogs I read is that I find them stimulating. They make me think. When I think I learn, when I learn I grow, when I grow I blossom.

Lately I have been stimulated to think about blowjobs. There seems to be a sad lack of them occurring for some people. So much so, that getting one is a reason for celebration. Not a bad reason to celebrate, I just think everyone should celebrate as often as possible. The world would be a much happier place if we did.

In the sub world blowjobs appear to be considered a powerful act of submission. Discussions are generated around whether to swallow and the ways to improve taste. Cumming on the face, especially when kneeling is supposed to be an ultimate act of submission. I say "supposed to be" because for me I find it it to be incredibly powerful.

I love giving blowjobs, well, to be honest, I more then love it. To begin with I find the male anatomy absolutely fascinating. I can't resist touching my husband's cock when we are laying in bed, especially in the mornings. I love to watch as I let my hands roam all over the softness of his semi flaccid cock. It never ceases to amaze me how running my hands so lightly over his balls and up that little ridge makes him just bob to life.  I could spend hours delicately tracing all the little veins up to that beautiful smooth head, circling the rim before summiting and exploring down the other side. Every little movement on my part eliciting a reaction. Almost as if it has a life of it's own growing and hardening at my touch.  I'm leading this dance and that's powerful.

Sometimes Musicman gets inpatient with my exploring and grabs my hair and pushes be down, he never has to push hard. Other times I am eager to get there on my own. I'll giggle as I tell Musicman I want to give him a kiss and slowly descend his body. I like to take my time, time to just feel him on my tongue, all the little nuances of maleness that I crave. Those veins and ridges that my hand is now so familiar with, I must taste. 

I have a bit of an oral fixation and want to explore every hard inch with my tongue and my lips to my hearts content. My hair gets caught in my hands, craddling and exploring what my mouth isn't . I let the anticipation of feeling him in my mouth build and build until heaven is achieved when I finally take him in. I always have to pause and just feel the glory that is that much power so deep in my throat. Groan!

After that initial entrance into my mouth it doesn't seem to matter who directs the show. I become obsessed with one thing and one thing only. I must have his cum.  I want to taste it, I want to wear it and I will do anything to get it.  Sometimes Musicman wants to be more aggressive and twine his hand in my hair and fuck my face. That works for me. Sometimes he wraps a hand around my throat and just sets the pace and leaves me to play a little more to my desires.  That works too. Sometimes he doesn't lay a hand on me at all, but provides an ongoing dialogue that inflames me more as I suck and lick like a starving woman.  Oooh, does that ever work.

By this point no matter what he is doing to me, it has turned into a mental wrestling match. Can I maintain the control, the focus needed to make him cum? I get a huge rush of power from his orgasm, from knowing that I can cause all that to happen.  I want that rush desperately, he likes to make me beg for it. I'll beg for it, but sometimes that is enough to push me right over the edge into oblivion myself.

I don't know if it is a sub thing. I don't know if it is the empath in me. Maybe it's just the female in me that feels the power of pleasing her man. I just know I seriously love giving blowjobs, they are to be celebrated. Let's all celebrate a little more.

A Sub in a Vanilla World

I've never fit in well in the vanilla world, I just don't blend in very well at all. In fact there are times when I stick out like a sore thumb. This doesn't bother me a bit, I like being me.

Friday night is a great example. We had gone out to a local cafe to meet my brother and his wife. The place was packed, not an empty table to be had. I am a people watcher and spent time observing the people around me. One of the things I noticed immediately was that there was an almost even number of men and women, nothing unusual about that. What did seem unusual to me was I was the only woman not wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I was wearing a long flowing black skirt and a corset style jean top. Some people may have looked at me and thought I had dressed up for the outing, but they would have been wrong. That's the way I dress most days. In fact I had worn that particular outfit all day and the plans to go out were made last minute. I love wearing skirts, sans panties of course. Musicman is not a big talker, but he is a tactile man. He is always touching me.  I like that, so why wouldn't I encourage that behaviour?

I also noticed that I was the only woman with hair past my shoulders. My hair is well below mid-back and is naturally curly which gives it a bit of a wild appearance.  My mother is fond of telling me I need to cut it because hair that long on a woman my age is not the social norm. I don't have a problem telling her or anyone else that I don't care what the societal norms are.  Musicman likes it long, so I wear it long.

When I start my new job I will be working in a department of predominantly women. This is nothing new for me as most of my jobs have been that way. I will have to conform to a dress code, so physically I won't stick out at all. No, the differences there will be noticeable in the content of the conversations.

Invariably when you get a group of women together the conversation will turn to their men and sex. I have no problems discussing sex with people. It has however been my experience that my views are not the views of most women.

Most women are very quick to deride and belittle the men in their lives. Most women complain about sex and the fact that the men want it and they don't. Clearly this is not my view on the subject and I am not afraid to share my view when asked. Honesty is a good policy, but in this case it is a policy that is going to make me stand out among the crowd. That's okay, I've never really wanted to be one of the crowd anyway.

Thank You My Love...

Thank you my love, for being everything I need.

Thank you my love, for accommodating the last minute change of plans even though we suspected bad news.

Thank you my love, for lightening the moment with your own special brand of humor.

Thank you my love, for sharing your wisdom with me and preventing me from worring about the unimportant things.

Thank you my love, for reminding me you are here and we will get through this.

Thank you my love, for holding me close and lending me your strength.

Thank you my love, for understanding I need a little more time to face the situation.

Thank you my love, for the hugs and the swats that bring the smile to my face.

Thank you my love, being so tuned in to my thoughts and feelings.

Thank you my love, for offering your help with some stress relief.

Thank you my love, for asking "are you ok?"

Thank you my love, for realizing when I said yes, I really meant no.

Thank you my love, for understanding why I no longer wanted to celebrate.

Thank you my love, for speaking up and stopping me from doing something potentially embarrassing.

Thank you my love, for standing by my side and offering me the support I need to get through what we both know is coming.

Thank you my love, for being you and for loving me.




Friday night I received the news that my mother, whom I have been estranged from for the last 2 years, has terminal cancer and is refusing any treatment.

Winds of Change

I've mentioned before that for the past 30 years I was a professional caregiver. I loved being a caregiver and worked hard at building my career. Unfortunately, the stress of corporate healthcare was a big part of my downfall. I am going through some serious burnout and can not return to that line of work. Just the thought of it causes anxiety. Since that was all I ever wanted to do with my life it has been hard to figure out where I go next.

I have been so incredibly lucky that Musicman has been able to give me the time and support I needed to figure out what I wanted and to go after it. It truly has been the best gift he could have ever given me, the gift of time. The gift of his unfailing support and encouragement when things looked so bleak. Starting over at middle age isn't easy and the current state of the economy hasn't helped.

One of the things I realized quite awhile ago is I no longer want a career. I don't mind the idea of having a job, I'm pretty high energy and need something to do. The income will help ease some of the burden from Musicman also. We live a pretty simple life, we don't need much and we like it that way, but some sense of security is nice too.

What I do want is balance between my work life and my home life. I genuinely enjoy taking care of my home and family. Musicman likes the fact that I enjoy pampering him, cleaning and cooking and baking for him. It means alot to me to be able to do that for him, and he deserves every second of it.

The work/job issue was the trigger that sent me spiralling last week. It is the one last piece of the puzzle I needed to be able to really move forward with my life. I now have that piece. I finally found a job.

I am not sure yet when I will start, probably next week, but I'm so excited about it. It is a stable company, which was super important to me. I have been laid off four times over the course of my career and I'm tired of starting over. It has everything I was looking for: close to home, so no long commute, flexible hours which will really help me maintain the home/work balance. It involves working with the public, I'm a people person and need that kind of interaction. There is alot of oppurtunity to learn and grow and move up in the company if I choose to do that. And, it involves cooking and cleaning, two of my favorite activities.

It is a part time position, with plenty of oppurtunity to pick up extra hours if I want them. That is one of the main things I was looking for. After years of working full time and raising my kids and caring for disabled relatives I want more time to pursue my own interests. Now I will have it and still be able to contribute financially. Musicman won't have to work as much as he is now, which means more time for us. That makes me very happy.

The winds of change are blowing, but they are blowing in a good direction.

Inspired to DIY

I am still thinking about everything that happened recently. I did manage to sort things through enough to write an email to Musicman that was not an epic novel. He kinda prefers I just boil it all down to specifics for him. It's not that he isn't interested in understanding things, he's just more interested in the part about what he needs to do.  I did remember to tell him this time that I sent it, he has read it, but he hasn't said anything about it. That's not a surprise.

I needed to not think about it today. If I dwell too much I will just start to spiral again and I don't want that.  I have some other stuff going on that if it works out, could help sway the situation for the better anyway. I will know more about it all tomorrow, hopefully. Since there was nothing I could do today about it I took some inspiration from all the lovely ladies out here.

It may just be my choice of reading, but it seems like floggers have been prominent lately. I had a lovely piece of suede that has been begging to become a flogger. I always enjoy a good DIY project, so I spent some time this afternoon making one.

I started with an 18 x 20 rectangle. I cut strips varying in width from 1/4" to  2/3", I left about a 6" solid band across the top. Once all the strips were cut, I folded the band over and then rolled it tightly. I was going to then use some leather cording to wrap and finish the top for a handle. Currently I have an elastic hair band on it holding the roll closed. I think the leather cording may make the handle too thick. Any suggestions?

The hair band holds it well enough to be used, so Musicman can try it on for size while I think of a more permamnent way to finish it.  Of course I did try it out a bit to make sure it was secure. It has an interesting soft sting to it. I can think of quite a few places he could try it on. I will leave the specifics of those places to your imagination.

I don't think it is going to be the quietest of implements so I'm not sure when we will get to try it.

I left it on his pillow under the comforter for him to find when he goes to bed tonight. He may not dream about it, but I probably will. Sweet dreams.

Analysis of a Meltdown

It's been a busy couple days of various vanilla type activities, and thinking. Lots and lots of thinking. Things got a little bit more confusing before they got better, but they have gotten better.  It was very hard for me to write the series of posts that I did last week. They were not any easier for Musicman to read.  But they needed to be written. I needed to get it out into the light of day so I could see it a little better.

I've been having these meltdowns off and on since I got sober. I believe they are a combination of post alcoholic depression and menopausal hormone storms. I have been treating them physically with a variety of things and writing is helping tons too. They are getting some better and we are hoping that at some point they are no longer an issue. Only time will tell on that one.

Spanking is part of the physical aspect of addressing these episodes. Needless to say we haven't exactly gotten that part right yet, not consistently. When it works, it works great, when it doesn't work, it can be a bit disasterous. It has been difficult for me to figure out what the problem is because these episodes, once they end are hard for me to remember. They have a very fog like quality for me. All Musicman sees is me being very quiet and withdrawn, sometimes tears. Usually during these times I stop writing posts and comment very little on anyone else's blog.


Being able to focus outside myself during this last episode enough to be able to write it all out, is a big step forward for me. I think I might actually see what the problem is now. I'm not sure I am able to put it all down in writing yet in a clear concise way, but I'm not done thinking either.

One thing I do know is that I am very grateful for this community. All the wonderful supportive comments helped keep me moving enough to get through it and get it all written out. I like to take in all available information and mull it over before making a decision. I sometimes think I consider too many sides of some issues, but I don't think that is possible in this case. In this case, for me, the more information the better and I appreciate so much all the information shared out here.
Thank you all.

Broken Spirit

It's 3:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping. I'm not because I can't turn my brain off.

Things have not gone as well as I had hoped for this weekend and I am feeling quite defeated. I'm past the pain and hurt, I'm past angry. I'm just empty and defeated. I tried talking and received little to no response from him. That is his typical response when things come along that he does not want to deal with, ignore it until it goes away. He knows this is a problem and he does it anyway and freely admits when I push him on it that this is the case.

It continues to take me doing something drastic to get a response from him. He did finally react when I got my purse and keys and was walking out. When that happens whatever he does seems like too little too late. I always give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him, because I really don't want to leave. I do my best to keep my temper under control and make an effort to speak intelligently about what I need. I often fail at both, but I do at least try.

Eventually we get to a place where I am all talked out, but we never seem to actually make any significant progress. We cover the same ground over and over and over and go no where. It's frustrating, but I put that aside and try to figure out where I have gone wrong, what I have failed to clearly communicate, how can I fix it.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. For whatever reason, he does not want to put forth the effort needed to help me. Not surprisingly, he feels he is making an effort. I have a very difficult time explaining that I need more from him. I feel guilty even asking for more and that too seems wrong. It very much leaves me feeling like I'm in this all alone.

When I get to that point my mind takes the next logical leap and tells me if I'm going to be alone in this then I should really be alone. I should leave. That idea used to scare me, it used to make me feel like it was an illogical panic reaction. I no longer feel that way. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe I was wrong, maybe we weren't meant to be together forever.

If my choices are to stay and be unhappy or leave and be alone, I'll leave. I'd rather be alone and have some chance at being happy then be together and make both of us miserable. I never thought I would be one of those women that walked out after decades of marriage. It's beginning to become a very real possibility, all because he can't or won't make the effort to understand how important this is to me.

He's more then willing to meet my needs as long as he gets to define those needs. I'm willing to do just about anything for him, but I'm not willing to do that. It took me a long time to trust someone enough and be secure enough to recognize what I really needed. Now that I have I don't think I can just ignore it to make things easier for him.  I have now come full circle and am back at square one.

Something Simple

                                                                                                      

It's been a bit of a rough week.

Just a  small little melt down to muck things up. I'm thankful it's almost over. I always look forward to the weekends and time spent with Musicman. I'm making an effort to get to a good place to enjoy the weekend.

So I had a "me" day.

I spent some time relaxing   

                                         

                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                 and pampering myself.           

I gave myself one of these:

   
                                                    and made sure to do some grooming
                                                                                       
                                                                                           

       

I primped and polished

                   


                                         and donned one of my favorite sundresses

                                          

If I look good, I'll feel good 



Now all I need is some of this, okay, maybe a LOT of this
  

             and possibly some of this  

                                             


               
                                                                        let's not forget this    
   

Then I can feel this

Peace, at last.

The Bitch is Back

The cast of characters for this post is as follows:

Em - my emotional mind
Rat - my rational mind
faerie - submissive me
Bitch - the real me


Rat, did you hear that noise?

Yeah, I heard it, is that faerie?

No...faerie doesn't make noise like that. I think...it might be...

Oh No!!! Quick, Em, run!!! It's the Bitch!!!  I told you we would wake her up if you didn't shut up and stop crying.  No, don't cry now...RUN.


That's right you snivelling sissies, you better run. Infernal arguing, driving me nuts.

Hi everyone, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Bitch. I'm the one who's really in charge of this show. Oh, I know faerie thinks she's in charge, that's just cause I let her think that. She was so much easier to deal with before I acknowledged her.

She has really become a pain in the ass since I let her start talking. Now she thinks she is smart enough to make decisions for us. Haahaahaa, that is so funny. She can't make decisions. She's way to soft for that, always stopping to consider everyone else. So pathetic. She can't even handle Em and Rat arguing without falling apart.

I gave her a chance to get it under control. She blew it, she cried and she cleaned and she wore herself out. And what did that accomplish? That's right, absolutely nothing. I was ready to step in sooner and she begged me not too. She said she would be okay, she said Musicman would help her. I knew better, but sometimes I find it amusing to watch her struggle. They call me the Bitch for a reason, ya know!

She thinks he is her knight in shining armor and will come to her rescue. She is so naive, there are no knights in shining armor. He is not going to come and rescue her. She doesn't even realize he doesn't care if she is here or not. One of these days I'm going to get really ticked and tell her the truth.

The truth is he likes me better. I'm the one he is used to dealing with. I don't require nearly the amount of time and energy from him as faerie does. He knows if he just sits tight and waits it out I will step in and take care of things. Sure, I may not be soft, affectionate and submissive like faerie is, but he doesn't really want that anyway. He is quite happy with me, thank you very much.

Sooner or later he will realize she is gone, he may even want her back. It doesn't work that way though, I don't just let her out simply because he decides he wants to play with her. Oh No! I can't ever make things that easy for either of them.

No, he has to step up and prove he can protect her and keep her safe before I will let her back out. I may not like faerie much, she is just way too needy for my comforts, but it's my job to make sure she doesn't get hurt. I take my job very seriously. He didn't rescue her when she fell apart, I did. Now she's back in my control. Bwahaahaaahaaa!!!!

One of THOSE Days

I'm having one of those days today. The kind of day where I wake up in tears and struggle to get out of bed. The kind of day where the guilt overwhelms and the storm of resulting emotions envelopes me in darkness. The kind of day that brings millions of questions and no answers. Yet, it seems so critical that I find the answers.

If there was ever a day I needed a spanking it's days like today. The pain is already here, sitting right below the surface. Boiling and bubbling and pushing to get out. I try to ignore it, that no longer works. I try to channel it into productive activities. That only diverts it for a short time, it doesn't vanquish it.

I try to rationalize the feelings. Instead of being helpful that just causes the argument between Em and Rat to get that much louder. Em wants me to accept and embrace fully who I have become. Rat has a whole bucketful of reasons why I can't.

I poke holes in the bucket in an attempt to drain away the reasons why I can't be who I want to be. That does nothing to change reality. I want to hide from reality because this particular reality gives me anxiety attacks. I'm ashamed that I'm not stronger.

I used to be so much stronger. I used to be the one everyone leaned on. I used to be the one everyone looked to to have the answers. I am not that strong anymore. I can't hold anyone up right now. I have no answers. What do you do when you are no longer the person everyone thought you were?

I've found myself telling Musicman more times then I am comfortable admitting, "I'm trying so hard." He tells me I'm trying too hard. I tell him, "I'm not that strong anymore." He says I don't have to be that strong. The truth is, I don't know how to not be strong, I don't know how to not try hard.

I think the real problem is that I'm fighting for the wrong thing.

I need to turn my brain off for awhile as all I'm currently accomplishing is a headache.

A Baking Kind of Day

I mentioned in my last post that when I first approached Musicman with the idea of exploring a D/s relationship he didn't think it was much of a change for us. I agreed with him. It isn't much of a change for "us". It has however been a big change for me. I needed to change.

I have been at a bit of a crossroads in many different areas of my life this last year.  Starting on this journey hasn't changed me fundamentally, but it has brough me a better understanding and acceptance of myself.

What I needed to understand was that I had already changed. Once I did understand that, I needed to accept those changes. In many ways I have come to that place of acceptance. It was actually pretty easy for me to do that, mostly because Musicman has accepted the changes.

He has always accepted me and who I think I am at any given moment. He also sees the real me and accepts her too. Sometimes those two things aren't the same. Sometimes that can cause problems for me.

Musicman has always been right beside me, supporting and encouraging me in whatever endeavor I decided on. He gives me his opinion and view on the situation. I don't often tell him how much I appreciate that. His views and opinions are usually very different from mine, but they never fail to bring to light aspects I have over looked.

I have been dealing with a very stressful issue for some time now. I know how I would like the situation to work out, but I don't have that kind of control over this particular situation. As I deal with this situation I face rejection on an almost daily basis. It can be very depressing.

In an effort to keep the depression at bay I intersperse the activity with others I enjoy throughout the day. I dance while I clean, it makes me happy to provide a clean, comfortable home for Musicman to come home to. I bake several times week, all Musicman's favorites. It lightens my heart to pamper him and feel like I am making things a little better for him.

The hardest part about facing the rejection is the feeling of letting him down it causes. This feeling is purely internal on my part, he does not think this way. When things get too bad, and I get lost in the negativityof my own thoughts and feelings, he is there.

He is always there, holding me up when I need it, and picking me up when I've fallen. No, this journey hasn't been much of a change for us. He has always been the leader in this relationship and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've spent quite a bit of time on this particularly stressing project today and am feeling a bit down. The housework is done, I think I'll go bake something for Musicman.
He deserves more then a crying defeated wife when he gets home.

Cupcakes anyone?