Broken Spirit

It's 3:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping. I'm not because I can't turn my brain off.

Things have not gone as well as I had hoped for this weekend and I am feeling quite defeated. I'm past the pain and hurt, I'm past angry. I'm just empty and defeated. I tried talking and received little to no response from him. That is his typical response when things come along that he does not want to deal with, ignore it until it goes away. He knows this is a problem and he does it anyway and freely admits when I push him on it that this is the case.

It continues to take me doing something drastic to get a response from him. He did finally react when I got my purse and keys and was walking out. When that happens whatever he does seems like too little too late. I always give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him, because I really don't want to leave. I do my best to keep my temper under control and make an effort to speak intelligently about what I need. I often fail at both, but I do at least try.

Eventually we get to a place where I am all talked out, but we never seem to actually make any significant progress. We cover the same ground over and over and over and go no where. It's frustrating, but I put that aside and try to figure out where I have gone wrong, what I have failed to clearly communicate, how can I fix it.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. For whatever reason, he does not want to put forth the effort needed to help me. Not surprisingly, he feels he is making an effort. I have a very difficult time explaining that I need more from him. I feel guilty even asking for more and that too seems wrong. It very much leaves me feeling like I'm in this all alone.

When I get to that point my mind takes the next logical leap and tells me if I'm going to be alone in this then I should really be alone. I should leave. That idea used to scare me, it used to make me feel like it was an illogical panic reaction. I no longer feel that way. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe I was wrong, maybe we weren't meant to be together forever.

If my choices are to stay and be unhappy or leave and be alone, I'll leave. I'd rather be alone and have some chance at being happy then be together and make both of us miserable. I never thought I would be one of those women that walked out after decades of marriage. It's beginning to become a very real possibility, all because he can't or won't make the effort to understand how important this is to me.

He's more then willing to meet my needs as long as he gets to define those needs. I'm willing to do just about anything for him, but I'm not willing to do that. It took me a long time to trust someone enough and be secure enough to recognize what I really needed. Now that I have I don't think I can just ignore it to make things easier for him.  I have now come full circle and am back at square one.

Dreams and Puzzle Pieces

When I woke up yesterday I had a vivid memory of a snippet of a dream. It sort of haunted me all day long. Generally I do not remember my dreams unless I am getting a message.

I get three different kinds of dreams.

Recurring dreams, which are usually just bits and pieces that often on the face of things, make no sense. Usually with these dreams once I figure out what the message is they stop. If I ignore them they morph into recurring nightmares and terrify my nights until I deal with whatever the issue is.

Some of the dreams I get are premonitions of events to come. These can be scary because they pretty much always involve someone dying.

I also have dreams that are visits, often soon after a death they come to tell me they are okay. Those are comforting dreams, much like when I get a ghost visit.

I often feel different energies around me, most often when I'm out of balance and struggling with something. They just come to offer me support and whatever extra energy I might need to face the struggles.

Turns out the dream I remembered yesterday is a recurring dream. Yep, had it again last night.

Something else happened last night between Musicman and myself that has left me stunned and confused. I'm still working on processing it all.

I see the connection between the dreams and what happened last night, but the message isn't quite clear yet. I have also been getting a really strong energy of one particular person for a few weeks now. This has an influence on the situation too.

The problem with these messages is no matter how much I chase them, I never catch them. It can be somewhat like putting a puzzle together, but you don't have the picture of the completed puzzle to see how it is supposed to look. I also don't get to start with all the pieces. I have to work with what I have and fit the pieces in as they come.

Puzzles aggravate me. I don't know if I have all the pieces, but I'm getting a hint of the picture.