Thursday, August 30, 2012

Fact or Fiction

They sit quietly, surreptitiously glancing at each other when they think it won't be noticed.  Life's stresses have caused tensions between them to rise.

He has been quiet and distant, the frequent touches she has grown to love so much, now absent.  The ever present spark of mischief in her eyes has dulled. The frequent giggles and over the top love of life that has held him captive all these years, now dampened.

They have faced and overcome challenges before. Challenges that have tested and ultimately strengthened their bond. Yet, despite that, they sit quietly, not knowing how to bridge the gap that has grown between them.

He rises and without saying a word approaches her. She looks up as he stops directly in front of where she sits. She doesn't say a word, just reaches out to touch him. She grabs his hips and pulls him in closer, not stopping until she has buried her face in his crotch, nuzzling him like a newborn to the tit.

His hands descend to cup her head and hold her closer as she rests with her face buried in his most intimate place. They rest that way for a moment, then he steps back while reaching for his waistband. He divests himself of his clothes and steps back to where she waits.

She nuzzles him again, happy the barrier of clothes has been removed. She gently reaches out with her tongue to lightly lick at his semi flaccid member. Smoothing over the head and down the side, back up the other side as he grows harder and longer under her ministrations.

She reaches again for his hips to pull him closer as she engulfs him fully in her mouth. Swallowing down the hard length, pausing to feel him fully pushing at the back of her throat. A low groan echoes round the room, the origin of which neither of them notice in the growing lust now surrounding them.

The silence is replaced with with the sounds of sucking and slurping as she greedily works to bring him pleasure. His hands, now grasping her hair to hold on more then to guide the movements she is making. Up, down, in, out, performing the dance of lovers everywhere.

Her tongue teasing, seducing the pleasured moans from deep in his throat as she takes him even deeper into her throat. Her hands kneading at his balls now tightening with the coming explosion. Pulling out only at the last minute, she glances up to give him a look at the sparkle back in her eyes as he shoots his load all over her face.

They collapse together, the silence between them now comfortable and secure, no tensions exist.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Time Machine

I need a time machine so I can go back in time and change my answer. It was Sunday, I was having a bit of a down day. I did a pretty good job of containing it. I knew Musicman was tired and didn't really have the energy to deal with me.

I wasn't out of control or crying or anything else. I was just a bit quiet. That's always an indication for him that something is off with me. He asked me a few times what was wrong. My answer was always nothing, I'm fine. We both know when I say I'm fine, I'm not. But I didn't want to tell him what the problem was.

The reason I didn't want to tell him what the problem was is because the problem was him. He was tired, when he gets tired he disengages. He can be in the same room with me physically, but he is a long way from being with me. That makes me sad and it doesn't help that there isn't anything I can do but wait for him to come back to me. I also never want to tell him what is going on because he gets defensive. That never helps the situation, so I stay quiet.

At one point he came over to where I was sitting and pulled me up and said he was going to take me up stairs and help me feel better. That means he is going to spank me. I'm a spanko, I always want that, unless I'm feeling a bit off. Then I try to talk my way out of it. If I'm trying to talk my way out of it, it's a sure indication I really need it.

Usually, trying to talk him out of giving me a spanking doesn't work. It did work Sunday, he backed down and left me alone. We finished the day the way we had begun, with me being quiet and him being disengaged. Not the best of days for us.

He tried to fix things Monday morning by waking me up with a spanking and sex. It was great, but just didn't quite pull me all the way back. Sometimes when I'm feeling off I need more then usual and that was the case Monday. Unfortunately I've never been able to voice that fact. Just another thing I need to work on I guess.

Musicman had the day off from work and we both really wanted to have a nice day together. Our plans for the day got rained out so we just did some errands and house work. I wish I could say it was a lovely day and things were great. That would be a lie.

Things weren't bad, just a bit strained. We aren't connecting well and I don't know how to fix it. I did something I shouldn't have done that has made the situation worse. I need a time machine so I can go back to Sunday. I want to change my answer please.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Kiss of Leather

Anyone who reads here regularly probably already knows I'm a wood girl. I love the wooden hairbrush and the wooden spoon. The wood paddle Musicman made is absolutely magical in my opinion. I did cover one side of the paddle with some lovely soft suede and the contrast is quite amazing.

That suede left me with a desire to try leather. I've read about many subs loving the belt. The belt is a huge trigger for me and if he ever came near me with one it would not be pretty. So off to Edenfantasys I went, looking for something leather. I've not had the best luck in the past making purchases from the internet and have been very pleasantly surprised with how easy they are to deal with.

Since I do love wood so much and was still a bit anxious about trying leather, I didn't want to spend a ton of money on something I might not like. I also realized when I was looking at the leather paddles that I found them a bit intimidating. I didn't want anything that even remotely looked like a belt. They have some with studs, they were quite eye catching. But maybe not such a great choice to start with.

So I browsed the selection and finally decided on this one

Bitch impressions paddle - Paddle They have several different ones in this style with a choice of words or symbols. I picked this particular one because this word has a particular meaning for Musicman and myself.

It arrived a couple weeks ago, we've used it several times since we got it. As a spanking implement, I wasn't too impressed. I guess when I want a spanking I prefer the bite of wood. I did tell Musicman it would be good for a warm up prior to the paddle, but he isn't much for warm ups or using multiple implements.

I did discover that it is heavenly when used elsewhere on the body. Do ya like breast spanking? I do and this paddle is lovely when used on the breasts. Do ya like pussy spanking? I do, the width of this paddle is just right to be used on the pussy. It's pretty effective when applied to the insides of the thighs too.

Musicman is quite adept at applying it to all those places. It lights my fire when he drags it slowly across my throat, or my face or down between my breasts. It feels cool and somewhat soft and soothing when used in that manner. He has the unerring ability to read the relaxation in my body and at just the right point lifts the paddle and begins to apply it more forcefully.

The fact that he never seems to follow any kind of pattern keeps me a bit off kilter as to where the blow will land. Will it be on my breasts, or my pussy or maybe the inner thighs? Doesn't really matter where it lands, I like them all.

I suppose at some point we should try it again as an actual spanking implement. Maybe I will learn to like the kiss of leather on my backside, maybe not. Even if I don't, this paddle was worth the price since I definitely like the kiss of leather on other areas of my body.

Just a quick update, shortly after I posted this Musicman was in the mood to play. I know he hadn't read this post yet, so he must have read my mind. He used the leather paddle to spank me. I think I'm really gonna like it used for that too.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Does He or Doesn't He?

I mentioned in yesterday's post that Musicman threatened to spank me Saturday. We had been having words at the time, sharp words. That definitely got my attention. Not because I am in any way worried about him punishing me. But because it seemed like he was intimating he was going to do that, punish me.

Not such an unusual thing in a DD relationship, but we don't have that. I have never mentioned wanting that to him. I doubt he even knows what it means. He is the one that said right from the very beginning that he did not want to micromanage me or give me rules.

I've also said before that I don't need a reason for him to spank me. I don't see getting spanked as a negative thing and have never really considered it as a form of discipline. I've also never really thought all that much about him really disciplining me. I know what my responsibilities are and don't have many problems meeting them.

I do think he prefers to have some kind of reason to spank me, but I don't see that as my issue. If he wants a reason, he is free to find one, or make one up, or whatever he wants to do. But, this is the second time he has threatened to spank me when we where having words.

So, that makes me wonder, does he want DD? I suppose I could ask him. Right after I explain it to him, that is. But, it might be more interesting to just wait and see what happens. For one thing, we don't really argue, disagree or have words all that often. So it may be awhile before the situation comes up again.

Also, when he has done it, he has always phrased it in the form of a question. Maybe he thinks he is a contestant on Jeopardy and that is required, who knows. But realistically, that is not a question I am ever going to answer, so he may as well quit asking it.

I mean really, who answers a question like that? Does he really, in that moment, think I am going to give him an answer? I haven't yet. When he has pushed the issue, the most I have done is not disagree with him. That isn't exactly agreeing, but it is the most he is gonna get.

So in essence, I guess if it ever does happen, it is just gonna happen. If that is really the way he is feeling at that moment, then instead of asking, he should just do it. I think, at some point, given the fact that his dominance is coming to the foreground more, it will eventually happen. It wasn't this time, it may not be next time, or the time after that. But, at some point, I think it will happen. I guess when it does, that's when I will explain DD to him, unless of course he asks first.

Monday, August 20, 2012

If I Were Inclined

Technology is a wonderful thing, when it works. My computer hasn't been working well and it's been a bit frustrating. It started out just being lazy last week, not loading pages and not letting me read or comment on blogs the way I would like. It progressed to not letting me access emails.  Then it just decided to go crazy, send me all kinds of error messages and then crash. Musicman has worked on it several times over the weekend to bring it back to life for me.

I realized when it wasn't working, that for me, blogging is like sex. The more I do it, the more inclined I am to do it. I haven't had much time or resources to blog, and now I don't feel too inclined to write. I'm happy to say the same can't be said of sex in this case.

If I were inclined to write, I could talk about our playtime Friday night and the newish leather paddle we got. Because it's new he is still feeling it out some. Unfortunately, I was pretty stressed about something Friday night, the pain was what I needed, but I needed more then what he gave me then. I was having a hard time relaxing into the pain, chasing the bliss instead of letting it roll in and envelope me. It was nice, but it left me a bit edgy and that isn't always such a good thing.

If I were inclined to write, I could tell you how he threatened to spank me Saturday. The edginess hadn't really gone away, though it hadn't escalated either. It had been a busy morning with Musicman working and me completing a full list of domestic activities. We were getting ready to go out for the evening, apparently my edginess was starting to get on his nerves some. He asked me if he needed to take me over his knee and spank me. Well...

If I were inclined to write, I could tell you how odd it was to have other men compliment him on the way I looked. It made me wonder if I give off sub vibes, or is it him giving off Dom vibes? Or maybe, it's just a guy thing and means nothing, lol. Or I could write about how when asked by a woman about the "thing" around my neck I said it was a necklace. Yet, when asked by a man about the "thing" around my neck I said it was a collar. Yes, they both referred to it as a "thing", that in itself seemed odd.

If I were inclined to write, I could tell you how Musicman got a bit tipsy, so I totally took advantage of him. I teased him with both words and mouth until he he couldn't take it anymore. I didn't stop until he grabbed me by my hair and pushed me face first into the bed and took me hard and fast and deep. Just like I wanted. Too bad he doesn't remember it, I was spectacular, lol.

If I were  inclined to write, I could tell you how we spent some time yesterday afternoon playing in the sun. How he wound me all up, then sent me inside to our room. How he followed closely and stripped me easily. How he ordered me to bend over as he retrieved the paddle. I'm really starting to appreciate uninterrupted time on Sunday afternoons.

If I were inclined to write, I could tell you some more about our new leather paddle and how we played with it again Sunday night. The sting of leather on the lady parts, or the breasts or the thighs. Dragged so softly and slowly across my face and down my neck, deliciously snaking it's way between my breasts before lifting to deliver the next sting.

Even if I were inclined to write, I've had a busy day of laundry and housework. I don't spend much time on it on the weekends, preferring to spend the time with Musicman instead. Just the trail of discarded clothes and toys that need picked up and dealt with can be daunting. Hopefully, when I'm done I will have some time to read some blogs and catch up with all my friends.

It felt like imposed isolation, not being able to connect with the world. I hadn't realized how much I have come to depend on technology, until it wasn't working. Maybe the inclination to write will come back soon too.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's only Wednesday

I've started and abandoned this post many times today. I just can't quite find the right starting point. So I am just gonna dive in with the warning that I might be all over the place with it.

We seem to be in a bit of a growth period. That's a very good thing, but sometimes it makes my head spin too. So many subtle changes going on that I just can't keep up.

We have had some things that didn't work so well. He had been pushing me to find a video I liked. I know why he wanted me to do this, but I still found it difficult. I told him if this was something he wanted he really needed to push it and not give me a choice. He pushed, I failed, he spanked me. It was probably supposed to be a punishment type spanking, but that just doesn't work for me. It did however, motivate me to make the time to find something.

We have watched porn vids together for years so it should not have been a big deal to find one. Ummmm....yeah, it was a big thing. I like porn, but I'm very picky about what I will watch. He also didn't want just any old vanilla porn vid. He wanted me to find something that I liked, sorta a visual example for him of what I find enticing.

The problem is, I find most kink or BDSM vids too raw and intense for my tastes.  It's never a good thing when I'm watching one and I have to look away in disgust or run for the bathroom to be ill. But that is usually what seems to happen for me. The visual is just too much for me. With some effort, I found one. The intensity of it was a bit more then I would have liked, but it didn't have any actual activities that grossed me out. Time came to share it with him.

It didn't go so well, he found the intensity of it difficult to watch too, so we turned it off. Unfortunately, the comments he made left me feeling pretty bereft and remote. I just really, really wanted to run and hide. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about it. It sparked a monumental fight between Em and Rat in my mind that raged for about 24 hours, despite the fact that he had gone on to spank me and fuck my brains out.

The good thing about it all is that Rat won that fight. I did not spiral down, though I did become kinda quiet. Always a cause of concern for Musicman. That led to an elightening conversation that I think really helped us both. It also led to the first ever spanking not followed by sex. That is a major step for us. It is something we have talked just a little bit about in the past. Neither one of us was very sure how well that would go over. We both worried that my reaction would be negative. I'm quite happy to report that my reaction was anything but negative. Yay, another door opened.

We also had another first this week. I've never been much of a picture person. If the cameras come out, I head for the hills. I haven't had a camera since my kids were young. That camera was the old fashioned film kind. Kinda hard to take naughty pics of yourself if you have to take them somewhere to get developed. We don't have cell phones. I don't know how to text, much less sext. But, recently I have been wanting a camera, not really sure why, I just did.

We went shopping this weekend and Musicman bought me a digital camera. I'm still learning how to use it. My first success was doing the magic paddle pics post. My man is a bit of a voyeur, I'm a bit of an exhibionist, though I really don't like the way I look in pictures.

I spent yesterday doing some self pics and managed to put together a rather nice slideshow that I then sent to Musicman via email. That was an easy email to tell him about.  One thing I learned is self pics aren't as easy to do as I thought. The other thing I learned is that I kinda liked doing it. They involved me, in a very feminine white lacy sundress and my nipple clamps. I think he liked them. And today, I have several ideas for more pics. The camera takes videos too, and he has several ideas about that which I find quite enticing. Yay, another door opened.

So, over all, a pretty good week, and it's only wednesday.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The Perseids are messing with our chi

Sometimes I just have too many things running around in my head. Trying to catch a thought becomes difficult. It's like trying to catch a particular string from the tail of a tornado, impossible. That's usually when I start grabbing at random strings. Identifying and discarding as I go, until I can more plainly see the knot.

We had a lovely but somewhat frustrating weekend. We were both just a bit off. I sometimes think we both set very high expectations for ourselves, too. I've learned it's good to set high standards, but I've also learned you don't always achieve them on the first attempt. I think that is part of what my frustration is stemming from, a first attempt that didn't go as well we might have liked.

There were a few reasons that happened. Poor timing for one, it seemed to plague us all weekend. Saturday afternoon, lolling in a post sex haze, promises of more to come in both our minds. The phone rings, our son, a minor accident, a possible trip to the ER. SPLAT! Reality, right in the face.

I don't panic when it comes to dealing with this kind of thing. I become very clinical and efficient, very large and in charge, of everything. Musicman doesn't panic either, he takes direction very well and we make a strong team. Our son is fine, I patched him up with little, too no drama whatsoever. But, the whole incident brought up other issues that took us even further from a playful mood. 

We love our son very much, but he's been difficult to deal with lately. These issues could be ones that come between us if we let them. We have always worked hard not to let them come between us, but it's not always quick or easy. We were both just a bit tense the rest of the evening. We did eventually have a very nice encounter. But, I don't think either one of us was really in the right place mentally for it. 

I think that is another reason things were a bit off this weekend. Musicman just never seemed to get to the right place, he tried, and maybe if things with our son hadn't happened he would have. I don't know. The thing is, no one seemed at all surprised when I said Musicman admitted to not always feeling dominant. I wanted to just scream, BUT, YOU DON"T GET IT.  Then of course I remembered all the things I know, that you don't.

From where I sit, the dominance never really goes away. It reaches into all areas of our life, at varying levels.  It always has. Him being dominant or being the one in charge, is nothing new. Even he has admitted this before, several times. The intensity levels in some areas of our life, or the ways of expressing it, are new. That is what we struggled with this weekend, and sometimes weekends in the past.

I do understand that, now, but understanding does not bring an instant fix. We are working on it, and it certainly wasn't a bad weekend. There were many parts that were quite wonderful, but I think we both found it a bit frustrating too.  Or, maybe it was the Perseid meteor shower messing with our chi.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Magic Paddle Pics

Here at last!!!! Some magic paddle pics. Though I still say the magic is the hands of the wielder, not the paddle. This is what it started as, a plain piece of wood. See, nothing magic whatsoever.  SAM_0024  Here are a few pics of it completed.          
SAM_0021   This is obviously the side I didn’t cover with the suede leather. This side is wonderfully stingy, but then again, I like wood.

Here’s the side with the suede covering. It’s more thuddy than stingy, and quite welcome after a few bites from the wood side. It's been well used and already starting to show it.

I’m not thrilled with how I finished the handle on it, but it’s what Musicman suggested, and he is the one who uses the handle, not me. If we ever decide to change it, it is just a matter of pulling out the tacks.

And for some size perspective, these. 

SAM_0026 SAM_0025

This is the side of it, it took 73 brass tacks to fasten the leather covering. As you can see, my line of tacks wasn’t exactly straight. I’m calling it the rustic look.

The leather started out looking like this. 

This is the same leather I used to make our flogger.

I used suede yarn to wrap the handle on the flogger.
SAM_0028 So a bit rustic yes, but at least they match. There is also something about the fact that we made these ourselves. Not touched by other human hands, expressly for the purposes of spanking, not high jacked from other purposes, that I find incredibly erotic.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Banishing the Blahs


I've been struggling through a really crappy mood the last couple days. No real reason for it other then I'm female and it happens sometimes. I hate that. The only good thing about this episode is that it hasn't been quite as intense as it usually is.

Musicman wanted to play last night, and I wasn't too interested. That is monumentally unusual for me. I pretty much always want to play. I didn't refuse, I figured maybe once we got started I would feel better and get into it some.

He used the flogger. I love the flogger. Not last night. It usually sends me right into subspace. Not last night. I spent sometime giving him a blow job. I really enjoy doing that and it usually helps me get into the right headspace. Not last night.

The flogger felt fine, but just fine, no subspace. I enjoyed giving him a blowjob, but it didn't help me get into the right headspace. There were orgasms for both of us, but I didn't achieve the mental orgasm that usually accompanies the physical one. The only real good thing I can say about the whole episode is that it didn't cause me to spiral further down.

I didn't get upset or go all crazy on him. I thanked him for trying to make me feel better. It did make me feel better, just not as well as it usually does. I assured him it wasn't his fault and that he didn't do anything wrong. He has done such a great job recently of reading my moods and doing everything he can to help me when I get down. I don't know why it didn't work as well this time, but I didn't want him to question himself.

He asked me what was going on, what was stressing me out. I couldn't answer, cause I don't know. Sure, it is probably hormones run amok, but I get tired of saying that. I know it's not exactly something I can control, but I want to. I guess I haven't completely accepted that fact yet.

We were both up early this morning getting ready for work. There was lots of holding me close and telling me he loves me. Asking me if I was okay and was I sure when I said yes. I was okay, and I was sure about that. I just felt a bit off. I don't think there was really anything more either one of us could do about the whole situation at that moment.

We have the whole weekend ahead of us and I am starting to feel more like my flighty, happy self again. We have no major plans or things that must be done. I'm expecting a plain brown box to arrive tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be stormy for most of the weekend, maybe we will just stay inside and play all weekend. That should banish the blahs.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Unicorns and Beautiful Awards

Apparently there is a rogue Unicorn riding around passing out awards.

 Awards are very nice, who doesn't love a bit of recognition now and again. Though to be honest, they make me a bit anxious too.
I was originally honored with this award by Mr. Absinthe Passion, he is a truly beautiful soul who's blog I love. He's open and honest and generous enough to share his adventures with us. He also leaves wonderfully insightful and supportive comments. He rarely fails to make me smile and often, I laugh out loud at his wit.

I was also nominated by Renee Rose who in addition to having a lovely lyrical name, knows a lot about Unicorns. I had no idea there was any kind of sexual connotation associated with Unicorns. It was quite the education for me, and I'm starting to see one of my tat's a bit differently now, lol.

I also received a nomination from Mrs. Soft Bottom, she says she's been reading my blog from the begining of her journey into this lifestyle. It still surprises me that anyone reads or enjoys my writing, but it sure does stroke my ego. Anyone who wears two different shoes to work and doesn't notice for 3 hours because of mindblowing morning sex is my kinda lady.

Now, according to the rules I have to tell y'all some things about myself. I'm not too sure there are 10 things left you don't know about me that you might find interesting, but I'll give it a try.

I started collecting lingerie long before I graduated from high school. At one time I had a drawer full of teddies, garter belts and sexy bras. I have long since lost interest in them and no longer have any. I lost interest in them because I spent more time getting into them then they spent on.

I twirled a rifle in the marching band when I was in highschool. I was pretty darn good at it too, except for the time I didn't catch it and took out the entire drum line's shins with my errant rifle. The director thought it best to rewrite the routine after that.

My very first real job, at age 14, included the line, would you like fries with that? I lied about my age to get that job, they weren't as strict back then about working papers as they are now.

I detest ants and even though I profess to be an animal lover, they don't count in my book. I could happily live without them.

I rarely ever blush, but Musicman can still reduce me to a giggling, stammering teenager without much provocation.

If they ever perfect time travel, I'm going back to Woodstock. I missed it by a few years and have always wanted to experience it. And, I love tie die.

I'm not in any way sexually attracted to women, but I sometime wish I was. Musicman has said for years he would like to see me with another woman. I won't say that will never change, but I'm not gonna hold my breath either.

If I could have any pets I wanted, I would have a Great Dane and a Chihuahua. I love the contrast.

I was not the type of little girl that played with dolls. I did however have an awesome Hot Wheels collection. I used my Lincoln Logs to build elaborate cities to drive them in.

I constantly question who has the right to define normal.

Okay, that's ten things you may not have known about me. Now on to the last part. I'm supposed to nominate other Bloggers I love. This is the part that always makes me anxious and the part I never do. I can't name any bloggers I love. I love them all or they wouldn't be in my blogroll.  

For me, reading blogs is like visiting with friends. Y'all are kind enough to give me a window into your lives. You let me peak inside and share your adventures, triumphs and tragedies. I laugh with you, I cry with you and often I learn from you.

You have embraced me as one of you and given me a place where I don't have to keep secrets anymore. You celebrate with me when things are going well. You support and encourage me when things aren't going so well. You give me great advice when I'm confused and overthinking every little thing. You encourage me when I doubt myself and my choices.

I love you all and have benefitted in some way from everyone on my blog roll, whether you know it or not. That is why, as much as I love the recognition of the awards, I can't name anyone. I name you all.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

He's got mail...I've got butterflies

I'm feeling a bit anxious today. I know why I'm feeling anxious, sorta. That doesn't exactly help much though. See, I feel like I am orchestrating my own doom. Like I'm too stupid to leave well enough alone. Things are going great here, why can't I just go with that?

Well, I am, sorta. Unfortunately just because things are going great doesn't necessarily mean I stop thinking about things. I had a bit of an epiphany a week or so ago. I finally unraveled a particularly large knot. That led to a moment of clarity and some ideas of ways to move forward.

Only I didn't feel ready to tackle those ideas, or do anything with them. They were easy to ignore cause of starting the new job. Now things are settled with the job and I still want to ignore the ideas, sorta. With everything going well, I don't feel the need to rock the boat. Yet, I can't forget about the times in the past when things haven't gone so well.

Those times spawned these brilliant ideas of mine. I thought on them quite a bit and even tried to bring them up in conversation with Musicman. Not much success with that. I never manage to do much but cause massive frustration for myself when I try to talk about anything major with this lifestyle. It's quite literally the only subject that leaves me speechless.

So I resorted to the old tried and true email method of communication. It works, but it pisses me off that I can't just speak up and say what I need to say. That frustration is compounded by the fact that Musicman never checks his email. I have to tell him I sent him one, or it will sit there unread for months possibly.

You would think that after taking 3 days to try and express myself intelligently in an email it would be easy to tell him I sent it. Yeah, not so much. I sent it yesterday, as far as I know he still doesn't know its there, cause I haven't said anything. Which makes me wonder why I find it so hard to tell him.

What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? He is either gonna read it and find it totally ridiculous and ignore it. Or, he's gonna read it and like my ideas, maybe have some questions about them. Whether Musicman finds my ideas ridiculous or not, he never laughs at me, so the first scenario is highly unlikely. The second scenario doesn't sound so scary, so why all the anxiety?

I think I know the answer to that and I don't like it. The answer is because I don't think I'm worth his time or effort. Because I see this as something he does for me and I don't feel like I deserve that. I don't know where this is coming from, not Musicman that's for sure. In fact he's not gonna be real happy when he reads it, but it's the truth.

I don't really know why I sometimes feel so inadequate, but there it is. I compensate by being strong and independent and taking care of everyone else. I don't need anyone to take care of me, if I let them then I'd owe them something. I can't owe anyone anything. They might demand something I can't give, then what do I do? 

I feel like I'm poised to step off a ledge, once I do I know I will be free to fly. I just can't do it, I can't take that step. I need a push and I'm too afraid to ask him to push me. Oh, I confuse myself sometimes. I'm sure it doesn't need to be this difficult. Could someone please tell me where I can get a copy of Life for Dummies? I sure could use it right now.

Monday, August 6, 2012

TTWD, Making a Great Thing Better

In the comments on my last post Bas left a comment asking if I was aware that most couples need a half a year for all those activities. He went on to say a scientific study should be conducted on TTWD and sex. That got me thinking, so you can blame Bas for this post.

First, I love science and am all for a scientific study. Where do I sign up to volunteer as a test subject? As for "most couples", well we aren't most couples. We never have been. Like most women of my generation I was raised by a mother that taught me sex was something to be tolerated when my husband wanted it. There was never any mention of enjoying it or having any expectation of enjoyment. For many reasons I won't go into now, I didn't believe her.

I'm also not one of those women who has ever used sex as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. In fact, before we were married that was something we talked about. It was very important to ME that HE promise that would never happen. I grew up with a prime example of the damage that kind of thinking could do and would not tolerate it in my relationship.

Just doing it because he wanted sex was also not something either one of us would tolerate. He has always wanted a willing, participating partner and so have I. There have been times over the years when we have tried things that just didn't work for one or the other of us. If we couldn't figure out how to make it work for both of us it was off the table. We even dabbled some with D/s and spanking back then, it was okay, but for some reason it just didn't interest us enough to really pursue it. Oh, how times change.

We have never been the type of couple who got to the point where we lived like room mates and went long periods of time without sex. In fact, we have never gone a week without sex unless it involved a serious health issue. I say a serious health issue because Musicman taught me very early on that such things as headaches,cramps and minor aches and pains can be cured with a healthy bout of sex. It wasn't just something he said, he proved it to me, repeatedly, until I believed him. He was very convincing, it didn't take long for me to believe him.

Sex has always been our connection and we've always had a healthy, active sex life. Yes, there were times when life got hectic and we didn't have as much time as we wanted to be together. Those were the times when we sat down, planned and scheduled time to be together. That's how important maintaining that connection is to us.

TTWD is not about anything other then sex and our connection for us. It was something I wanted to explore to fulfill a need in myself. It was never about fixing our relationship, nothing was broken. And, outside the bedroom, not much has changed. That's the way we like it and that's the way we want it. TTWD is an individual thing that should be explored and implemented in accordance with what each couple is trying to achieve.

Exploring TTWD has always been about me finally having the time to explore myself and who I really am as a sexual woman. I spent a lot of years being very proud of the fact that I survived the abuse I grew up with. I was proud of the fact that I took control of my own sexual life and fulfillment. Now I am proud to say I am strong enough to recognize I want to give up that control. That is directly due to the person he is and the love and trust between us. I could never consider doing this with anyone but him.

I am pretty vocal in real life about the fact that I not only like sex, I love it. For me, sex is something to be celebrated. Not a popular or particularly accepted view of sex given the reactions of most people I meet. Musicman and I both have friends that complain the wife never gives it up, or the husband just wants sex. We hear the negative, though socially acceptable comments like this all the time. My best friend is happily married, but freely admits she hasn't had sex in years. I don't understand it, but I don't need to understand it, as long as she is happy.

No we are not like most couples, but I've never been like most women. I certainly don't recommend that anyone go through what I did while growing up. So many don't recover, don't survive or thrive. But for some reason, I did survive and I thrived. TTWD is just another avenue for us to explore on the way to making a great thing even better. A continued growth of our relationship, as we take the next step down the road of life together.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Sunday Blues

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting here on a stingy butt courtesy of a well wielded paddle this morning. He started with the hairbrush, but soon decided it wasn't big enough for effective coverage. If I were a less secure woman I would take that as a veiled insult about the size of my butt. Since he always tells me how much he loves my butt and has even said he doesn't want me losing anymore weight because he doesn't want my butt getting smaller, I didn't take it as an insult.

The fact that he was spanking me pretty soundly with the paddle prevented me from thinking about anything other then the next blow. The anticipation between swats is highly arousing to me. Almost as arousing as the pain of any given blow. The pain that is so quickly followed by the mushrooming pleasure exploding out from deep within me. It was a wonderful way to wake up from a quite refreshing sleep.

I slept quite soundly last night thanks to some playtime with the flogger. Anyone who reads here probably knows already how much  I love the flogger. I love it on my back. I love it on my butt. I love it on my legs. I love it on my lady parts. I love it on my breasts. He visited them all.

My entire back side from my neck to my ankles was positively tingling by the time he turned me over to move on to other things. He had concentrated quite a bit on the lady parts. Well flogged and burning hot lady parts are ripe for some soothing. I would be hard pressed to say which one of us enjoys his soothing techniques more. The man has some skills when it comes to oral play. If there is something comparable to the cockworshipping sub club he would be a card carrying member.

We've got a lazy day ahead of us as we got all our to do list completed yesterday morning. We also have some severe weather rolling in so outdoor activities are probably off the table. I would say we could just stay inside and stay naked all day, but I'm not sure either one of us has the energy for that.

If I include Friday night's activities we have had sex 5 times, I've been spanked 3 times and we have used all but one toy. I can't even begin to count the amount of orgasms I experienced, has to be dozens though. I think we made the most of our weekend together. He says he needs another weekend to recover from this one. I told him it's good motivation for him to make a decision about when he is going to take some more vacation time. He's been talking about using a few days, but hasn't decided yet.

After a weekend like this one, which isn't really all that unusual for us, it's no wonder I sometimes get the Sunday night blues. Who wouldn't want to live in a sex induced haze all the time? It just makes all the mundane day to day things that need accomplished that much easier to accomplish.

I have a long day of catching up on housework planned for tomorrow. I do my best thinking when I clean. He's given me lots to think about this weekend. I'll probably bake something too, he's been on a brownie kick lately, so chocolate haze here I come.

I have a bad habit of thrashing my head around when we are playing, it makes knots in my hair that are difficult to get out. I spent a good 10 minutes unknotting my hair after we played with the flogger last night, so this pic seems appropriate.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Intimidation GONE

A long frustrating week at work is over and next week I start my part time schedule, yay. That should have put me in a very good mood, it didn't. I was tired and being very quiet. Musicman gets suspicious when I'm quiet, cause it so rarely happens. He asked me several times if I was OK, of course I said I was. He didn't believe me, smart guy.

I was lying on the bed, just staring at the TV, not interacting with him at all. He came over and laid down next to me and started pinching my nipples and said he thought someone needed a spanking. Can't argue with that logic, so I didn't. He also said he wanted to see the nipples clamps on me. Okay.

Then he went and got in the shower and left me to wait for what would happen when he was done. My mood was already improving and unlike some, I was looking forward to what would be coming soon. He takes very quick showers so I didn't have long to wait.

He joined me again on the bed when he was done showering. He told me to take my clothes off, so I did. He got out the nipple clamps and put them on. My girls aren't very big so it was a bit awkward at first, but we soon managed to get them on. First one, with a minute to breath as the clamps tightened down on my nipple, then the next one and another minute to breath. The first surges of pleasure blossoming and spreading throughout my body.

He chose that moment to tell me that while not tonight, someday soon we would be trying the other clamp. I don't know if I'm just crazy or the waves of pleasure rolling through my body made me say it. But, I did admit that while I wasn't brave enough to try it on my own, I do want to try it.

He reached for the headboard to get the wooden spoon. I rolled over and was up on all fours in the blink of an eye. The weight of the chain hanging down between the clamps was delicious. The swats began, interspersed with much rubbing and licking and even a few gentle bites.  He was quite thorough and covered my bottom and thighs and didn't neglect my calves either. I know that may sound a bit unusual, but I like it. I experienced a particularly serious back and hip injury a few years ago that cause my leg muscles to get very tight. We discovered that gentle swats to the calves always loosen them up and it feels heavenly.

I did manage to stay up on all fours even though I'm not good at holding still. Every swat causes a small or sometimes, not so small, movement from me. Every movement made the chain on the clamps sway which caused more waves of pain/pleasure to wash through me. With the stimulation of the clamps and the spanking I was immediately lost in the fog of subspace. Floating along on a cloud of intense pleasure, building with every sting of the paddle and sway of the chain.

I have no idea how long the spanking lasted, but by the end I was practically levitating off the bed with the strength of the orgasm barrelling through my body. I collapsed back onto the bed, every muscle a tingling mass of goo. He flipped me over to my back and hauled me back down the bed. I have no idea how I got so close to the edge, but I almost fell off. Who would have thought a king size bed wouldn't be a big enough playground?

He hauled me down the bed by my ankles, he didn't let go until he had spread me wide. Then he attacked and I was soaring again as he started with his tongue. All efforts to concentrate, or even think were lost, only the feel of his hands and tongue taking me to heaven over and over again registered.

At some point he retrieved the bullet vibe from the headboard, he used my own juices as lube, there was plenty let me tell you. He started to insert it in the back door as he continued on with his wonderful ministrations. At this point nothing but pleasure registers, not even my own body existed anymore.

He started giving me directions, good thing he did as I wouldn't have been able to initiate doing anything myself by then. The bullet vibrating away in my ass, his tongue lapping at me, diving deep to touch my g spot and my hand rubbing away at my clit as he had directed me. I had not a care in the world.

I have no clue how many times I came, but it's safe to say we easily hit double digits. I was exhausted and my body was literally shaking, every muscle fatigued from all the orgasms. I didn't think I could go on, except, I really needed him to fuck me. It really doesn't matter how many times I come or how tired I am, I never feel totally satisfied until I feel him come.

He knows this, but asked me anyway if I wanted him to fuck me. Of course he knows I do, I think he just likes to hear me beg for it. Not a problem there, I was already begging for it. He was happy to oblige and ordered me onto my knees and he took me from behind. One of my very favorite positions.

I remember him asking if I wanted to feel him come deep inside me or all over my back. I was incapable of making any kind of decision at that point and words totally escaped me anyway.  He chose to pull out and spray my back, he covered me all the way to my neck. As soon as I felt it the last orgasm hit me and I collapsed unable to do anything more then gasp for breath.

He said that should start the weekend right, no grouchy faerie to contend with now. He was right too, I'm not at all grouchy. Of course after a bit of a rest and some nurishment we went for round two, cause I felt it appropriate to thank him for his most kind attention.

I'm not at all intimidated by the nipple clamps anymore and am one step closer to trying the other clamp.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Pretty, Shiny, Intimidating Things

We have recently begun acquiring some toys. We haven't used many at all in the past and had none to speak of. I did posts about the vibrating egg and the glass dildo we got. I love both of them, but to be honest, most of the time we forget to use them. I guess it's something we have to take the time to adapt too. I mentioned in those posts that the thing I really wanted was out of stock. 

I had put that item on my wish list so when it was restocked I could get it. I get the edenfantasys newsletter so it's easy to check frequently for new items or things on the wish list that might have been out of stock.  They soon had the item restocked and I ordered it. The plain brown box arrived a couple weeks ago.

This item totally intrigued me when I saw it and I had to have it. But now, now that it's here, I'm a little intimidated by it. So intimidated by it that we haven't even tried it yet. Isn't that silly? Well, let me be totally honest. Technically, WE haven't tried it, but I did, once, just a few days ago. I finally got up my nerve and did it.

Ummm....yeah....I liked it, a lot. Though I only tried part of it. The other part I wasn't quite brave enough to try, yet.

It's pretty and shiny and matches my collar quite nicely. Aesthetically, it is going to pack quite the visual punch. Musicman is a very visual type person. I think he is gonna like it too.

He has mentioned he wants to see it on me, but I haven't told him yet that I tried it. That's cause he hasn't mentioned it since I tried it, and I got busy with other things before he got home and forgot to tell him. I don't like to accost him and totally overwhelm him the minute he gets in the door.  I can be that way sometimes. When I do, he usually just tunes me out anyway, so I've learned not to do it.

This is one of those things that seems to have gone on hold since I started working. Hopefully soon things are going to smooth out a bit and I will start my regular hours. Then I will have a bit more time to spend thinking about and exploring these things.

Ahem...yes, I have some wonderful ideas I should share with him about this thing. Some fantasies in my head he might be interested in knowing about. At the very least, I should try to find the time to model it for him. Or maybe I should try it again myself first, just so it doesn't seem so cumbersome.

Hmmm....what to do....what to do?

Oh yeah, did you want to know what it is? Maybe you have some experience you can share with me.

It's one of these,
Y-Style clamps with clit clamp - Y style clit and nipple clampsIf your interested you can find out more about it here.
Whaddya think? Wanna guess which part I DIDN't try?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A Quickie

It's been a long week already. I've been busy doing this.

   I love my job, but the lady training me has a bad habit of talking when she should be listening.

That makes me feel like this 

And of course I've spent most of my time at home doing this.

I wish I had more time to do this,

Or this

But, alas, that is not to be this week.

Musicman however, did feel I needed some of this,

and then some of this.

So we had an early bedtime last night and did some of that. I feel much better and even went to work with one of these today.

and one of these.

Gotta run now as I'm on my lunch hour and don't want to be late. Hopefully soon things will settle down and I will have the time to get caught up with everyone.