Why

This is not going to be an easy post to write. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I'm unsure if they will come out in any kind of cohesive manner. So, I guess I will just dive right in.

First let me say that Musicman reads every post I write. He sees this blog as a window into my mind, a way to gauge where I am at mentally and emotionally. None of the things I wrote in my last post are things he hasn't already heard me say before. That post was really just the tip of the iceberg, there is just so much I can't say here.

He is quite well aware of what the major frustration for me is being caused by. He knows what I would like to see happen to fix this issue. He doesn't agree with me, therefore it doesn't happen. That is the reality of being a 24/7 submissive wife.

He has explained and I understand exactly why he has made the decision he has. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with though. And, I have been living with this issue for over a year now. That is an awful lot of frustration for any one person to have to deal with, everyone has a breaking point. I've hit mine more than once over the many months living with this issue. I don't know how many times I have written, but not published, posts very similar to my last one.

Then you can add in the issue that has had him so stressed out lately and you have the makings of a perfect storm. Except, in some ways, helping and supporting him as he worked to find an effective way to deal with that issue actually made things a bit easier for me. There were tangible things I could do to help, and I have been doing those things. We did find a way to fix the problem, but it isn't an over night fix, it takes time and patience.

During that time I practiced a lot of patience. I backed way off on expressing my needs or expecting him to be able to meet them. I understood completely why he was so remote, I didn't like it, but I understood and really tried not take it too personally. It was a very lonely time for me, he is my whole world and not having that connection with him was more painful than I can even begin to describe.

We are very close to reaping the benefits of our hard work and should have some relief for his issue very soon, within the next few weeks. That's a great thing. He has started to take small steps in coming back to me, but what I really need now is not small steps, I need him to run. I need his support to continue to deal with the issue that has me so frustrated.

We have discussed again, many, many times how to fix the problem. He agrees with me, but still has reservations. They are very legitimate reservations too. I understand it, but I don't agree with him. I feel as if I am being made to pay the consequences for someone else's bad choices. That causes a lot of resentment and ill feelings on my part, which is never helpful.

I hit my breaking point last week. Too many irritations, both at home and at work. Opportunities missed because he either he wasn't in the mood or wasn't paying attention. I hadn't slept well all week long. I found myself fighting the bad mood that comes with out of control hormones most of the week. Combine those things with something he does daily, that has the potential to really trigger my insecurities and I broke.

It was late, he was sleeping and the rage was just boiling up inside me. I knew, if I wanted to have any kind of peace, or get any sleep, I needed to get it out, so I wrote. It worked too, I was able to sleep and felt much better when I woke up. I hadn't attacked him as I have previously done, while still being able to honestly express my feelings. 

I could have not posted it, like I have done previously, but I chose not to do that. I needed him to see it. I needed to be heard, I needed to know that my feelings were just as valid as his. Ultimately, I need him to realize exactly how much I need him. Hopefully, that post and maybe this one, will get him to pay a little bit more attention to what is going on around him. Hopefully, he will start to be aware of the few opportunities we do get to be alone and he will make an effort to take better advantage of them. That would go a long way in helping me deal with the continuing issue that has me so upset.

Neither one of us is perfect, we make both make mistakes, it's how we recover from them that is so important. While I may, while upset, think about running away, I will never do that. We both agreed, before we ever married, that divorce is not an option for us. We agreed, whatever comes our way, we will work through it, together, and that's exactly what we will do. It sometimes gets messy and ugly and can be very painful, but we will ultimately, get through it.  Having this place to write, and the support of friends is a priceless gift to me. Thank you to all who have stopped by to give encouragement or even a swift kick in the pants, cause sometimes I need that too.

How?

I need to write. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Yet, what I really want to say is not fit for print. I'm pissed. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. I want to shout, "this is not what I signed up for."

I struggle with the notion that this is not where I am meant to be. I have lived for the last 28 years as a submissive wife. Oh no, I'm not talking about the kinky sex kind of submissive. I'm talking about the day to day, he makes the decisions and I live by them kind of life. The kinky sex was just a side benefit, when he chose to take advantage of it.

That kind of life can be extremely fulfilling, and, it can totally suck, big time. I believed, in the beginning, that he knew best, that he could, and would, give me the life I dreamed of. He did that, for awhile.

Then time passed, other things became more important to him than me. I tried, I tried very hard to make things better. I offered him things I previously could never have imagined offering anyone. He didn't appreciate it.

He works hard, he thinks he is fulfilling my needs. Yet, he hasn't really listened, he doesn't really understand my needs. If you don't understand what is required, how can you possibly meet those expectations?

It's not that I haven't communicated to him. I have, in every way I know how. I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't pay attention, cause what I need, isn't what he wants to provide. He seems to think that is okay.

At one time, in our past, it might have been okay. But, now? Now, it's no longer okay. I acutely feel the passing of time. I no longer want to put off fulfilling my own needs for everyone else's. I'm so done taking care of and providing for, everyone else's happiness. This is supposed to be my time. I've worked hard, I've earned this, I deserve to be put first.

Yet, he seems incapable of providing that for me. He would much rather spend his time elsewhere, with people other than me. I don't actually blame him for that, I'm not necessarily an easy woman to live with, I get that.

There was a time, when I thought I was worth all the hard work, because I gave back more than what I received. I no longer feel that way. Now, now I feel like I am the only one giving, and there are so many people taking.

I have told him, over and over, I am not that strong, I have nothing left to give. Either he doesn't hear me, or he does what he thinks he needs to do to placate me for the moment. I'm so tired of being the person that needs placating. I want so much more from my life than just existing from moment to moment.

I know, this isn't what I want for my life, yet, after all these years, how do I move on?

A Faerie Wish

Snow, snow, please go away,
I'm so tired of long, grey, melancholy days.

Don't you know,
didn't you get the memo?

I'm a sunshine and beach kinda girl.

A vacation would be divine,
I long for sand between my toes as I recline.

No crying babies or ringing phones,
no dirty dishes or soiled clothes.

No meals to plan or floors to sweep,
just lounging in the sun,
soaking up the heat until I fall asleep.

Floppy sunhats and flowing dresses the uniform of the day,
skipping rocks and hunting seashells all day.

Or, failing all that,
a good beating will always work.

This is my faerie wish for the day.

Just a Bit of Fun

I follow more than one BDSM/kink page on facebook. They post interesting pics and informative content. I found the following list of questions and thought it would be fun to share. Please feel free to answer and share. I think everyone will enjoy and it may even give you something to think about.

 

 

26 Sex Questions (aka Sextions) to liberate your mind and fuel our libido's.

A. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Yes

 B. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Yes

C. Have you ever devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?... Yes

D. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained? Yes

E. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone? Yes

F. Have you ever written an explicitly erotic story? Yes

G. Have you ever brought your partner to orgasm using only your hands? Yes

H. Have you ever licked or sucked on someone else’s feet and/or toes? Yes, but...ewwww, not my thing.

I. Have you ever had sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with? Yes, many times.

J. Have you ever had sex simultaneously with two or more people? No, but maybe someday.

K. Have you ever had anal sex? Yes

L. Have you ever gone out in public while wearing an anal plug? No, but would love to do that.

M. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk? Yes

N. Have you ever realized that you are much more sexually open-minded/kinky than most of your previous partners and/or friends? Uhhh...ya think?

O. Have you ever been part of an S/M roleplay (master/mistress/slave), domination (as the dominant/submissive part), or being victim of pain (such as whipping, caning, hot wax on genitals, nippleclamps/genital clamps etc.)? Well, of course I have.

P. Have you ever fantasized about or practiced orgasm control/denial? No, it holds no interest for me.

Q. Have you ever tried scissoring? Nope, and doubt I ever will.

R. Have you ever performed or received oral sex from a man? Oh yeah!!!!!

S. Have you ever performed or received oral sex from a woman? No and have no interest in doing so.

T. How old were you the first time you had sex? Hmmmm...consensual sex? 14. Non consensual, way to early to be comfortable with.

U. How many sexual partners have you had? Too many to reliably count.

V. Have you ever practiced BDSM on yourself (bondage, nipple clamps, hot wax, et cetera)? No, never even thought about it.

W. Have you ever had sex in front of other people? No, but the idea is a huge turn on.

X. Have you ever had a crush on a fellow blogger? No

Y. Have you ever had an orgasm without any direct stimulation (not counting dreams)? Yes.

Z. Do you like being called dirty names during sex? Yep.

 

 

And to end...something that resonates with me.

 

 

 

 

Privacy is a Rare but Wonderful Thing

We finally had some private time last weekend. It was deliciously wonderful.

I've so missed the butterflies that always appear in my tummy when I know a spanking is imminent. They came roaring back as soon as we realized we were actually home alone. I used to think how silly I was about the nerves causing the fluttering in my belly. Now, I think how lucky I am that at this point in my life and in our relationship I can still react that way to our time alone.

Musicman was hard and ready before we even started, he said it was from thinking about all the implements he was going to use to spank me with. It's so nice to know he misses it as much as I do. He chose the magic paddle to begin with. That thing can pack quite the thud and the sting, and I wondered if after so long I would be able to handle it. I refrained from voicing my concerns instead I just chose to remind him that it had been quite some time since I had been spanked.

He took a little bit of pity on me and let me keep the thin silk shorts I was wearing on for the first couple swats. I suppose that is his idea of a warm up, cause he rarely ever spanks over clothes. The shorts certainly didn't provide much protection and they didn't stay on for long, but it was all good.

The magic paddle was followed by the leather strap. Mmmm...despite my early on fear of anything even resembling a belt, I have come to love the feel of leather vigorously applied to my behind. The combination of wood, followed by leather and the length of time since my last spanking and I was flying pretty quickly. It still absolutely amazes me that he can make me come from just a spanking. It was the first of many orgasms for me that night and they all felt like a grand homecoming.

I can't really recall all the details, they kind of melt together and when I try to recall them, all I can come up with are the feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment that come with multiple orgasms. Oh how I've missed that. I do remember laying on the bed afterwards, bones turned to jelly, gasping for air and most likely a very silly grin on my face.

After some recovery time he chose a video for us to watch, a spanking video, which is rare for him. It wasn't too bad, though not too heavy on the spanking part and more emphasis on the sex part. I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of porn, but he is, so I watch. Usually I am critiquing it in my head, but this one featured enough interesting and different positions that when I wasn't laughing it was kind of fun to watch.

I would love to say we tried out some of those wild positions, but I honestly don't remember. I'm sure if we did, they were some of the tamer ones. The out there ones are just not possible for me with this old body and I certainly don't want to risk being dropped on my head. Yep, there was a position in the movie where that was a very real possibility.

At some point during our romps he actually said the words most of us subs crave to hear. He called me his good girl. I don't remember if it was that night or the next morning, cause yep, morning sex was on the menu too. I'm almost positive that is the first time he has ever said that to me and oh how I loved hearing it.

So, despite how trying the end of last week was, the weekend more than made up for it. Now, I just hope it isn't another three months before it occurs again, cause a weekend like that makes me think about all the wonderful things we could do again and some new things we have yet to try.

At Any Given Moment

At any given moment. That phrase keeps running through my mind. My weekend has been an entire series of "any given moments."

Friday dawned sunny and surprisingly warm. I was tired, but was also off to work. I knew once I got there, things would be okay. I love my job, it can be physically exhausting, but it feeds my soul and makes me happy.

Mid day arrives, attitude and energy are positive. I have dared to think of the possibilities presenting themselves in just a few hours hence. Anticipating the luxury of an empty home, which, at this moment, appeared to be a very real possibility.

Until...

Until the phone rang. Until I was faced with an issue I was unprepared to deal with. I'm fairly certain my children are actively employing a strategy to drive me insane. Musicman would most likely say that would be a short drive, but that's a story for another day. Once I got off the phone and realized I needed to do something, my only thought was to call Musicman. He would know exactly what to do. So, that's what I did.

He did know what to do and told me very clearly what he wanted me to do until he could get to me to handle the situation. I think he must have broken several speed limits to get to me, because he got home in record time. He handled the immediate situation and spent some time helping me calm down. I wish I could say he did that with a spanking, but it wasn't to be as we weren't alone. Once he was assured I was okay he went back to work, knowing that further discussion and a long term solution was needed.

That conversation took place later that evening. He listened to everything I had to say, even though I'm sure I was repeating myself unnecessarily. We did come to an agreement on how we would address the situation to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, in the course of the discussion I managed to get myself worked into a frenzy. I was a hysterical mess, shaking and crying and absolutely unable to calm myself.

We had a house full of people so anything remotely intimate, which would have been effective, was out of the question. Instead he laid on the bed with me, pulled me onto his chest and just held me. He occasionally reminded me to breathe and that I was safe. I was exhausted and felt as if the tears would never stop. He just continued to hold me and stroke my head and whisper loving things to me. Eventually I fell asleep lying on his chest with his arms around me. At that given moment, he gave me everything I needed.

I've always thought if you want to know the secret to how couples stay happy and together, don't look at what they do during the good times, anyone can be happy during the good times. Instead, look at what they do during the bad times, that is the predictor of happiness in a relationship. Musicman did exactly what I needed him to do, even though I could not have told him, if asked, exactly what it was I needed.  Once again, I'm left with the feeling that I can handle any situation as long as he is by my side.

PK asked, I answer and Something Extra

PK asked a question that set me all a tingle and quite frankly made me a bit nervous.

She asked: Would you two ever consider attending a spanking party that people host at different locations around the country?  My reaction on reading this question was, Oh yeah! I haven't said much about it before, but I definitely have a bit of an exhibitionist in me. The idea of some one actually watching us play is a turn on for me. I wouldn't want it to be too large of a crowd, but a few would be okay. At least in theory, in my mind, it is a turn on. In real life, I 'm not so sure I could actually do it.

I do admit to greatly enjoying the fact that I can turn heads just by walking into a room and usually stand out in a crowd. This is not because I am a super model look alike, I'm definitely not, though I am tall for a lady, which helps some. I also have a habit of dressing a little differently than most women. It is not unusual for me to be the only woman at a gathering wearing a skirt, that alone makes me stand out. All that aside, I think the real reason people notice me is because I carry myself with a certain confidence that is hard to ignore. I don't really know where that comes from, it has always just been a part of who I am. More than once I have been accused of being too confident and intimidating. I ignore those people, just because they are insecure does not mean I should hide my light under a barrel to make them feel more comfortable.

Musicman however, is a totally different story. He would never even consider attending something like a spanking party. He is an extremely antisocial man. Or, as he puts it, he just doesn't like people. Getting him to attend any kind of party, can be like pulling teeth.

Also, he is a very possessive man. He does not at all like the fact that people notice me when we are out. It is something that used to cause problems for us way back at the beginning. Now, I have learned to tone it down some, not too much, but enough to not cause him to become upset. Believe me when I say, he lets me know if I am coming close to crossing the line.

This is not a question, but, our friend Terpsichore has been doing a lovely series about gratitude. She worked her way through the alphabet and those posts never failed to put a smile on my face and remind me all that I have to be grateful for. I was a bit worried when she got to the end of the alphabet, because I didn't want them to end. She has presented a new twist on it and I thought I would give it a shot.

This is what she said:
Each week I am going to ask a question or suggest an activity. Feel free to play along on your own blog, in comments, in an email to me which I can share for you...or just do the activity for yourself at home. There are no rules. Just to take a moment to think of what we have to be grateful for and to enjoy that moment.

----

 

What was the last thing you were grateful for before you went to sleep and the first thing you were grateful for when you woke up in the morning?

 

I can honestly say I don't remember what the last thing I was thinking about last night, but there is something that I have been extremely grateful for lately. That thing is our Grandbaby. She is 6 months old now and a while I don't like the lack of privacy that comes with having her and her family living with us, she is just a delight to have around, for both of us. During these last few months that Musicman has been struggling, she has never failed to put a smile on his face. Some evenings, when he seemed most stressed, I would go high jack her from her parents, so he could spend time with her. There have been plenty of times over the last few months that I have wanted to be able to provide him with some relief and just haven't known how. Her existence brings a special light to his eyes. I may not be able to do that for him right now, but I am eternally grateful that there is someone in his life that can.

 

The first thing I was grateful for this morning was, Musicman. The weather here has been dreadful most of the winter. I have been able to spend many a morning, snuggled up in the warmth of our bed while Musicman has had to get up and go to work. I am so grateful for everything he does for me, for us and our family, that has allowed me this luxury. For so many years I was the first one up and out the door to go to work. It has only been the last few years, since I gave up my full time job, that I have been able to do this. I was only able to give up my full time job and spend time at home, doing things I might enjoy doing, like sleeping in on a frigid winter day, because of him and how hard he works to provide for us. It's truly one of the best gifts he has ever given me and I don't thank him enough for that. Thank you honey, I love you so much and appreciate everything you put yourself through for me.

 

 

 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Maybe, finally, a small glimpse of hope is springing through. After several months of trying to negotiate this issue we have been dealing with and usually failing miserably, I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Out of options and in a desperate attempt at self preservation I pulled way back from any expectations.

That hasn't been easy for me. It's been incredibly lonely and somewhat depressing for me. I miss him and the small daily interactions that mean so much to me. I often questioned if it was the right move to make, but reality is, I didn't see any other choice. Musicman has been overwhelmed with the stress of this issue and didn't need me adding to it.

Every time an opportunity was missed, I felt just a bit more broken, a bit farther away from where I wanted to be. I did my best to maintain my submission without any sign of dominance from him. It wasn't easy and I haven't always succeeded, but I was determined. I felt if I could just hang in there and be actively supportive, in a way that was beneficial to him, he would come back to me.

During this time he has not just been moping around, stressed out and doing nothing. He has pursued many options, both large and small, to alleviate the situation. Some things have worked, to a degree, others have just not panned out for us. I think we have finally found something that will put us, and him, on a more even keel. Something that will relieve his stress in a way that will allow him to stop focusing solely on this issue and remember that I am here and waiting for him.

I saw a glimmer of that last night. Privacy continues to be an issue, but we were alone for hours last night. Not much happened, much to my chagrin, I doubt he even realized that fact. But, a few swats and a request from him is better than what I have been getting. It gives me hope that maybe this issue will soon be resolved and we can start moving on with our lives. We can start focusing on us again, on occasion, and work our way forward to a good place again.

I admit, I'm a little hesitant to let that hope bloom, for fear of disappointment, but everyone has to have hope, don't they? It's literally been months since any kind of spanking, other than a few light ones with the coat hanger, have occurred. I would say I am in desperate need of something epic, a real multiple implement spanking and all the wonderful activities that follow. It would be so easy to let my hopes grow and blossom into anticipation. I'm going to tamp that feeling down though, cause while it's good to have expectations, I'm not entirely sure it's the right time, yet.

He's showing signs of pulling out of this haze he has been lost in and if I can just be patient a bit longer, he will come back and then we both win.

Thanks to everyone for the great questions. They have been a lot of fun to answer and have given me a much needed distraction. I am off to work today, through a blizzard I might add, but I will get to unanswered comments and the rest of the questions soon.

Katie and Pearl Necklace asked, I Answer

Thanks to everyone who asked questions. It has been a lovely distraction for me from the worries of life. That's a good thing, cause you know what they say about all work and no play. It has been really interesting reading all the questions and answers on every ones blogs, no matter how much we think we know about someone, there is always more to learn.

Katie asked the following questions:

What kinds of music do you and Musicman like to listen to? Any particular artists that you prefer? Musicman and I both grew up in homes that had music in abundance and it remains an integral part of our lives and relationship. He, as his name might indicate, is quite musical, he sings and plays multiple instruments. Me, I love to sing, but can't carry a tune in a bucket. That doesn't stop me from doing it. I just try to limit it to places or times when no one can hear. Yes, I am that women, all alone in her car, stereo turned up to window rattling level, jamming away. No, I don't care that people some times point, stare and laugh at me. If I notice, I give them a big smile and a wave.

My ipod has everything from classic gospel, to country, to rock. I'm not to interested in the newer stuff, rap holds absolutely no appeal to me, nor do the boy bands that seem to be so popular these days. I don't have a favorite artist, but I do have a few favorite songs. "Wonderful Tonight" is our song and one that never fails to move me. "Desperado" is another of my favorite songs, if it's on in the car when I get to my destination, I feel compelled to wait until the song is over before getting out, even if I'm running late. "Hallelujah", the version by Celtic Thunder, is another favorite of mine. It was playing during a particularly critical moment during a very hot session with Musicman a few years back and now I can't hear it without going right back to all those glorious emotions.

Musicman's preferences in music run mostly to rock and classic rock. He always changes my radio station in the car when he drives, which is any time we go someplace together. I asked him if he had a favorite artist. I was pretty sure I knew, but wanted confirmation. I'm happy to say, I thought right, Eric Clapton and Bob Seager are his favorites.



Pearl Necklace asked:

What is your best quality as a submissive? sexual or not...

Hmmm...this one has really had me thinking. I wish I could say it was something sexual, but I don't really think it is. Unless, it's the fact that I never, ever say no to sex and never have. I have also always thought blowjobs were a normal part of sex and they have always been plentiful in our relationship.

I really think the answer to this question, what I'm best at is, service. It has always been important to me that Musicman feel that his home is his castle. I want him to look forward to coming home after a hard day at work. I want him to know that all his hard work to provide for me and for us is recognized and appreciated. I do my best to make sure he has a clean comfortable home to come home too. I always ask him how his day was and I listen and can actually ask intelligent questions. I try and look pretty and pleasing for him. He is a very picky eater, but I cook according to his likes and dislikes, which are vastly different from mine. I always try to have a hot, home cooked meal ready for him. I even cook his favorite meal about once a week, nothing unusual there, except that I don't eat it, so I either don't eat or make something different for myself. He has a sweet tooth, so I try to bake for him often. I function as his personal secretary with him often giving me a list of calls or correspondence that need taken of. In the evenings, I try to be close by and at his disposal. I do not involve myself in other things, such as on the computer or reading as that distracts me from him. I don't know that he values these things as much as I do, but I do them anyway.

River Wild asked, I Answer

I am so enjoying question and answer month. Thank you to all who have asked questions. Not only does it help me in writing a bit more, which is pretty much a good thing for me, but it also gives me reason to revisit some of my most cherished memories. I am the type of person that highly values experiences and the memories made through those experiences. Having a good reason to reminisce and share those memories is priceless.

River Wild, such a great name, asked the following:

What do you do to treat yourself? This was not an easy question for me. In order to figure it out, I basically worked backwards. By that I mean, I started with the typical things and ruled them out. You see, I am not like a lot of women(I'll bet some of you can identify with that). I don't like shoes and only wear them if absolutely necessary, so I own less than a dozen pair. That number includes work shoes and snow boots. I only carry a purse to work, I own exactly 2, they are both small and cost less than $10.00 each. I've never had a professional manicure, pedicure or massage. I don't fuss with my hair much and haven't been to a salon in years. I like jewelry, but I tend to be attracted to unique, instead of pricey. One of my most prized pieces is a one of a kind pendant that Musicman picked out and bought for me for our 25th anniversary. It was on a visit to a lovely little gallery we frequent on our day trips. The price was almost negligible, but it's one of my most prized items, I never take it off. In fact, I have a habit of playing with it and touching it frequently, that act alone can bring back the wonderful memories of the day spent together.

Really, I'm just a simple girl, who doesn't require a whole bunch of things. I prefer having experiences and acquiring memories instead of acquiring things. That having been said, I always love a good book. I read many different genres and will readily give a book away, but am incapable of throwing one away. Any day spent reading is a good day.

I also have a passion for animated movies. I'm old enough to have experienced Fantasia, as a child, in the movie theater. I still remember that experience like it was yesterday. It is probably my all time favorite movie. Musicman is quite indulgent of my love of animation and always rents me the newest movies when they come out. I raved for days after seeing Epic. I found it so visually stunning and stimulating that I watched it twice in a 24 hour period. Easily my second favorite movie.
 If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

What's your preferred form of hair removal? Ew, I hate all forms of hair removal. I do it, but I really hate it. I've tried waxing, that just plain hurts, and not in a good way. I've tried depilatories. Ooohh, the rashes I experienced after, made that a no go. I've researched sugaring, but have yet to try it. It sounds like a lot of work, especially since I have so much area to cover. I have very long legs and do the lady bits, as well as the underarms. Some day I would love to have one of the new at home laser style gadgets that are becoming so popular right now. I have looked into them, but they are still quite pricey. So, in the mean time, I resort to the razor.

If you had to choose between winning a billion dollars or never aging which would you take? I love this question. The only problem is that, instinctually, I would choose neither. To me money is a necessary evil. If I could figure out how to live my life without it, I would. I grew up in an upper middle class home. We had everything we needed and most of wanted, except safety and love. Abuse of all kinds was rife within the home. It was a place I was always on guard and spent most of my formative years planning my escape from. I did escape, I did survive and I have always realized that money can make your life a bit easier, but it can never make you happy. I deal very little with the financial matters of our life. I'm more than capable of doing it, I just don't want to. I earn a paycheck, but I never really see it. Musicman controls all the money and that's the way I like it.

One would think that would make me pick never aging, but I wouldn't want that either. I've spent almost 35 years building a career based on caring for the elderly. The blurb at the top of my blog is a fact. A wise old woman did once teach me about the importance of making memories. I was fortunate enough to be able to share hers every evening as I readied her for bed. I love old  people. I seek the wisdom, garnered through experience, that they have to share.

I will never forget something Musicman's Grandmother shared with me. She lived to her mid 80's and was healthy almost to the end, she passed peacefully, at home, with her family around her.  She told me how she was ready to die. She told me how lonely it was having lost her husband, her parents, her siblings. Yes, she had her children and grandchildren, but all her peers were gone. She had become lonely, she was ready to move on. I understand this and am not afraid of dying. My only concern is that I not lose Musicman. I say a prayer every night, I pray that I die the day before he does so I don't have to live a day without him.

So, if push came to shove, I would choose a billion dollars and give it away. I'm sure I would have no trouble finding deserving people to give it too.

Fiona asked, I answer

The lovely Fiona asked the following questions and I am so looking forward to answering, especially, the ones about my favorite obsession: faeries. Anything and everything fae related, never fails to put a smile on my face.

Before I get to the questions, let me just say, I have faeries, of some sort, literally everywhere throughout my home, in all forms and mediums. I also have 3 tattooed on my body. When we are out and about I always stop to look at anything fae, but have become particular about what I acquire as I have so many things already. My current desire is to either make, or acquire a faerie house. Now, on to the questions


Where did faerie come from and where do you find all of your pics?   My first experience with faeries goes back to when I was a very young girl and saw Peter Pan for the first time. Not only did I fall instantly in love with Tinkerbelle, I wanted to be her. While most of the little girls I knew wanted to be Cinderella or Snow White, or almost any other princess, I wanted to be Tinkerbelle. In fact, I have a whole drawer of Tinkerbelle tees. Technically, I don't think Disney considers her a princess and she doesn't have a prince, but I still want to be her. I've been hooked on the lovely, magical creatures ever since.

As for the faerie pics I post, I find some of them on Google and some I find on Facebook. I subscribe to several feeds that feature faeries and faerie related items, such as the above mentioned faerie houses. When I find one I like on fb, I save them for later use. I am amassing quite a collection of them.

What's your all time favorite faerie pic?  In regard to the pics I post here on the blog, I don't have a favorite. I spend almost as much time looking for the pics I post, as I do writing the post. I browse, sometimes several different categories, until I find the one that speaks to me, as fitting for the tone of the post. I see them kind of as my signature to each post.

In real life, of all of my vast faerie collection, I have 2 current favorites. One is a solar powered crystal faerie that lights up and changes colors. It was a spontaneous gift from Musicman a few summers ago. She lives in one of my bedroom windows, in a spot where I can always see her. For the first time in a matter of several long, gray months, with not enough sunshine to make her light up, she did yesterday, spring must be on it's way! 

The other favorite is actually a set of 2 pictures, given to me by my brother, on my last visit before he passed away last summer. They are quite large, they are puzzles that he did. They are flawlessly done and finished, to the point that, unless you look closely, you can't tell they are puzzles. He also framed them beautifully in hand made frames. They live on the wall above the headboard of my bed.

What's your favorite junk food? Hmmm...this one is harder than you might think. I am not a huge junk food eater, in fact, I'm not a big eater period. I would say my most guilty pleasure is a good Bacon Cheeseburger. The kind that drips grease and cheese all over your hands while eating.  If I am craving something sweet, it's usually red licorice, or any kind of chunky, chocolate ice cream.

What's your favorite toy? Do you mean kinky toy? Cause I am very tempted to say, my computer. That would be the one I use the most. But, if you are talking kinky, I don't think I have a favorite. I like them all. It very much depends on my mood and how long it has been since using any particular toy. The longer it's been since we have used a specific one, is in direct proportion to how much I might desire to use it. For instance, if the paddle has been used a lot recently, I will start to crave the leather strap, or vice versa. Unfortunately, none of them have been used with any regularity recently, so I am craving any of them I can get at the moment.

What's your happiest memory of springtime with your Master? We've been together for so many springtimes that I don't think I can name one specific one. Once the weather gets better, we enjoy taking day trips on the weekends. It may be that we go to a local gallery/boutique that I enjoy, or an outdoor café with live music,(that just happens to serve the best Bacon Bleu Cheese burger I've ever eaten) or to check out a "new to us" beach or park. Most of these places are within a few hours of our home and the drive through the beautiful rolling country side, listening to our favorite music and chatting, is just as much fun as finding unique, out of the way, places to explore.

Ok... Last... What's something you haven't done (sexually or kink-wise) that you would like to? To be very honest, we have tried, at least once, most things I am interested in. There may easily be things I would find interesting, but just don't know about, yet. I would very much like to explore bondage more in depth, but that doesn't seem to interest Musicman all that much. He prefers full participation from me and so the idea of bondage is not high on his list of things to explore. He has said he would like to explore a threesome. I am not adverse to that, except he wants to include another woman and I am not at all attracted to women, so I am not that enthused about the idea. I would definitely like to see what being with 2 men at once is like, but can't really imagine myself with anyone other than Musicman. I think that is one fantasy that is best left as just that, a fantasy.


Todays pic is one I found on fb, I saved her because she is a unique rendering of Tink.

What's in Your Bag?

I believe we all carry baggage into our relationships. Baggage that contains both positive and negative things. Hopefully, we learn to unpack and deal with that baggage together, in a healthy way.

I've talked from time to time about some of the negative baggage that I carry with me. I've talked about how he has helped me to unpack and discard so many of the things that do not serve me well. What I haven't talked about is the baggage he carries. I don't believe that this is the place to do that. He hasn't chosen to participate(beyond reading) in this blog and he hasn't chosen to share with anyone the painful things he carries in his baggage. That is his prerogative and I respect that.

But, we are currently dealing with some of his baggage and it makes it very hard for me to come here and write anything. It is consuming him and effecting every area of our lives. I believe that it is a large part of why I am having the problems with intimacy that are occurring.

I am doing my best to try and help him through this very trying time, but it is slow going. I have backed way off in expecting much interaction from him, he's just not capable of that right now. I am trying to provide for him the things that will make his life a bit more comfortable and enjoyable, but I fear I am failing miserably.

I know, with time, love and patience, we will get through this. I just fear the damage being done to both of us while we try to get to the other side.

Okay, enough about that, cause I am already struggling not to devolve into tears over an incident that occurred this morning and thinking about it and writing about it is just serving to drag me down even further.

It has come to my attention that March is question and answer month. I'm game, maybe it will help me to refocus and find the strength needed to get through our current situation. So if anyone has any questions, not there is much you don't already know about me, feel free to ask.