I'm not even sure how to start this post. It's taken me over 48 hours to process everything and figure out exactly what happened. I had thought we were going to have a nice fire Saturday evening, maybe cross the garage off our list of rooms. That's not what happened.
What did happen was subspace. I love that place. I've learned a few things about subspace. I've learned I can't anticipate it or chase it, if I do it doesn't happen. I've learned to relax and just let it envelope me. I've learned the more I achieve it the easier it becomes to achieve it. I achieved it when we played Friday night with the magic paddle. I've learned that most Mondays, after a full weekend of play, sub drop is a definite possibility. I recognize that and have learned what to do to deal with it with some success.
What I didn't know is that at some point subspace can be achieved without pain. I didn't expect that, or the resultant sub drop that occurred almost immediately afterwards. It threw me for a bit of a loop, left me confused and cranky and wondering what the heck was going on.
It all started Saturday night, Musicman did something I didn't really expect, something usually I can't tolerate and squirm away from. Usually when I start to squirm away from him he backs off. This time though, when I started to squirm, he didn't back off. Instead, he clapped a hand on my thigh and firmly held me in place as he increased the intensity.
I was starting to panic, but the minute he clamped his hand on me, was like a brand on my soul. My mind flooded with millions of thoughts in an instant. Thoughts of fighting it, thoughts of I have to get away, I can't handle this intensity. But, my body instinctually accepted what my mind hadn't conceived of yet. I barrelled right into subspace, and it was intense. More intense then it's ever been before.
For me subspace is a world of juxtapositions. It's cozy and comforting and lazy free wheeling through the clouds. Flying free of my body, all alone in the quietness. It's stark white, almost a total abscence of color. It's crisp and sharp, emotions swirling and bursting in the most vibrant of hues. I'm never alone there, he's always right there with me. Anchoring me, guiding me, pushing me higher and higher. Catching all the pieces as I explode over and over with every peak reached. It's confusing, but for some reason I can't explain, I don't try to understand it, I just accept it and revel in it.
I don't know how long he kept me there that night, but it seemed like forever. It seemed like I was never coming back to earth, or my body. My body, which was totally in his control at that moment, his to do whatever he wanted with. Good thing he reads me so well, cause if he had kept me there much longer I think I would have passed out. The intensity of what he was doing is something I can't remember ever experiencing before.
When he stopped, he curled me up in his arms, rubbing my back, waiting for me to calm some. For my part, I clung to him for dear life, wanting and needing to be closer to him. If I could have figured out how to climb in his skin with him I would have. Since I couldn't I just laid there, on his chest, purring. Yes, I said purring. Musicman thinks it's funny when I do that, make that sound that seems to be a purr. I can't help it, it just kind of happens. Breathing isn't enough, but nothing else is possible, so it comes out sounding like a cat purring.
He continued to hold me and rub my back, talking quietly, soothing me, until the purring subsided. Then it was on to bigger and better for things for him. I needed no coercing to do as he asked, at that point I would have done anything he told me to do without question. Kinda a scary thought that, but I trust him, so I'm not too worried about that.
Both satisfied, he soon fell asleep, and I was well on my way to sleeping too. Then it hit me, I became very anxious and afraid, confusion overwhelmed me. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't like it. I did eventually fall asleep, but I slept badly and woke in a foul mood. It did occur to me that I was experiencing sub drop, but I wasn't really able to verbalize that. Instead, I snapped at him every time he asked me a question.
I was able to say that I just couldn't answer his questions or make any decisions at that time. Though I couldn't really explain why, it just seemed beyond my abilities at that time. These were not life shattering questions or decisions and should have been quite easy for me, but it wasn't happening. I was very relieved and started to calm when he stepped in and made the decisions.
We had a quiet day in the counrtyside, enjoying the sunshine and the warmth of the dwindling summer. It also featured a nap for me later in the afternoon. That alone is an indication of how out of it I was. Despite the fact that I often sleep poorly, I never nap.
I learned one last thing about subspace and sub drop this weekend. I learned taking me back to subspace effectively rids me of subdrop. He did that by way of the leather paddle Sunday evening. We played in the living room so another room crossed off the list.