I've come here so many times over the last few weeks. I've thought that if I could write about things it might help me process everything.
That hasn't really been the case, it all still hurts too much. It's time to rip off the bandaid of denial and face reality.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago. Angry words were exchanged. Silence ensued, then a conversation was held.
A conversation that revealed he's not really all that interested in the things I'm interested in. A conversation that made me understand, he has held all the power he's interested in holding all along.
Damn! I'm so stupid! I literally handed over all my power all those years ago, without ever defining what I needed in return. I didn't define it because I couldn't. For me, what I need, what I want, is a fluid thing. It's ever changing.
It has become very clear to me that what I want, what I need, is a mute point. Some might think that as a sub, this situation would make me deliriously happy. Apparently, I'm not a very good sub, because this makes me anything but happy.
He's given me permission to leave. Hell, he's done more than that, he flat out told me to leave. I'm no longer what he wants. I'm too high maintenance, too much for him to handle. If I ever was, I am no longer, a priority for him. He would be so much happier if I would just go away and let him live his life with his kids and grandchild. That is where his priorities lay.
After almost three decades together, I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do. I know I can survive alone, I've done it before. I just never really thought that would ever really happen to me again. I thought I had made wise choices. I thought I had chosen to trust the right person. It seems I was wrong and that hurts.
I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel pain. I feel a crippling pain that I need to get through so I can figure out how to move on.
This hurts more than I can articulate, but, maybe it is the first step in moving beyond the pain. Isn't that what they say? Acceptance is the first step?