I'd like off this Rollercoaster please

Life is full of ups and downs, much like a roller coaster .  We've certainly had our share of roller coaster moments over the last few years.  I don't like roller coasters and would like to get off now please.

I have anxiety issues, bad enough that I take medication for it.  I also tend to be a huge over thinker.  I'm working very hard to stop that, cause when I do, I find myself spiraling into a bad place very quickly.  I don't like myself when I'm like that, so I can't imagine anyone else even wanting to be around me.

Despite trying very hard not to I was spiraling pretty bad on Sunday.  Musicman recognized this and thought a spanking and some playtime might help.  I was skeptical, but he went ahead and got the crop out.

A spanking and playtime did occur.  It helped some, but it also felt kind of akward.  I've never felt that way before from a spanking and/or playtime.  So of course I had to think and rethink, and rethink, ad nauseum, as to why I felt that way.  It clearly was not the outcome Musicman intended and I fear I may have hurt his feelings or shaken his confidence.  Not what I intended at all.

I did eventually figure out what happened that made me feel that way.  Knowing that Musicman is not the best communicator, especially when it comes to these kinds of things,  I did what I thought was the next best thing.  I emailed him an explanation.  I know he read it, but there's been no response yet.

Obviously I'm hoping he does respond, but we do have a lot going on.  I'm getting ready to go see my brother and T.  I'm planning on being gone about a month.  Musicman doesn't like it when I'm gone that long, but this may be the only time I get to see them this year and I want to make the most of it.

Three weeks after I get home I'll be having surgery to fix my shoulder.  It's been almost a year since my injury.  All noninvasive treatments have been tried and unfortunately there has been no significant healing, so surgery is the only choice left.  And poof, there goes the summer that hasn't even started yet.

Communicating Well

Communication is the key to a great relationship, whether vanilla or D/s. Communicating well with each other is something Musicman and I have focused on since the beginning of our relationship. He and I have the same moral and ethical values, but we don't communicate the same way, that alone can cause problems.

Musicman is not a good verbal communicator, but he is excellent at non verbal communication. I recognized this very early on in our relationship and have spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my rather lacking skills in non verbal communication.

At first, I didn't want to learn how to communicate his way. I didn't particularly care for all the constant touching and groping every time I came near him. I knew why I didn't like it, but found it easier to tell him to stop doing it then to learn to like it.

It was only after I insisted he stop that he did stop. It didn't take long for me to realize I missed it. I apologized and told him how wrong I was. From that day forward I started learning to communicate better in a non verbal manner. I've come a long way over the years in improving my non verbal communication.

Even though I made an effort to learn to communicate his way, he also met me half way and has learned to be a better verbal communicator. It's not his "go to" way of communicating and I still sometimes remind him I need the words. He does the best he can.

My most effective way of communicating is in writing. It's something I've done since we first got together. When the subject was difficult for me I would often write it down in a letter to him. When I first proposed a D/s lifestyle I did it by sending him an email. I continued emailing him whenever things became too confusing or too difficult for me to say out loud.

This is not his favorite way for me to communicate, he would much rather I just speak to him, but he does understand that sometimes I just can't come right out and say it. Sometimes, when we are discussing intimate things and I get stuck he encourages me to whisper whatever I'm having trouble getting out to him. I can do that, but I honestly don't know how he even hears me, I whisper so low that even I can't hear myself.

When I first started this blog, I didn't tell him about it. That took a few months, then I emailed him explaining it and sent him the link. Since that day, he's read every post I've written. I don't write with him in mind, I write for myself, to help me untangle all the jumbled thoughts. It works quite well too.

I realized after writing my last post, that me not being able to focus enough to write is part of the reason we have lost so much ground. He has no gauge on what's going on with me. Things are still very stressful here, still dealing with several serious issues. That isn't going to change anytime soon and neither he, nor I, have much control over how these issues will work out.

What we do have control over is how often and how well we communicate with each other. In that vein, I am going to try very hard to focus enough to post more regularly and to pay attention to the non verbal communication he is giving me.

A Subtle Dom

There are two types of leaders, those that lead and those that people want to follow.


I've heard this before, though most recently on this post by Kitty, on The Submissive Wife blogspot. Musicman is definitely the type of leader that people want to follow. I have no problems with this, as I'm pretty much the type that willingly follows when it comes to my interactions with him.  It has occurred to me that he is a very subtle leader. It's more about who he is then what he does.

Sometimes though, he can be a bit too subtle.  A prime example would have been last evening. We had some lovely playtime with the brush. We hadn't played with the brush in a while and it was a lot of fun. This encounter brings our count for the master bedroom up to 7.

I mentioned that to him afterwards along with the fact that we would be almost done with the September Spanking Challenge if we had done even half of these encounters in other rooms. He said I should have reminded him before hand and we could have done it in another room.

Okay, I get that I am usually the more adventurous one of us. I also get that I have a lot more time to think about this stuff. I get that even though he enjoys this lifestyle, it is essentially my thing. I'm the one that writes the blog, I'm the one that reads the blogs, I'm the one that buys the toys. It is, in effect, my hobby, he's just going along for the ride.

I don't have any real problems with that. I don't even have any problems with reminding him about the challenge or suggesting that we try a different location. I'm probably the most aggressive sub going and I have no problems with that. That's just the way I am and neither of us wants that to change.

But, it is kinda key that I have some idea what is going to occur if I am going to contribute. When we went upstairs to bed I had no idea he was planning on playing. All he said was, "I'm going upstairs, are you coming?" This is a usual exchange for us and I didn't think anything of it.  I had no idea we were going to play until he had the brush in his hand.

At that point, it's a little late to ask me to think of details such as crossing off rooms on a list for a challenge, or much of anything else for that matter. When implements get picked up by him, focus and intelligent thought leave the room for me.

In conversation afterwards it became apparent that when he said he was going upstairs, I was supposed to have heard something different. I was supposed to have heard, "I want to spank you, play with you and satisfy us both." Ummm...yeah, if I had heard that I might have thought to suggest marking off another room. Or, I might have run for the stairs in glee, probably knocking him out of the way in the process.

So, maybe he's a little too subtle sometimes, and maybe I need to learn to read his mind better. Maybe we aren't going to get all our rooms marked off by the end of the month to satisfy the challenge. I don't know, but I do know, we're having all kinds of fun figuring it out.

It's only Wednesday

I've started and abandoned this post many times today. I just can't quite find the right starting point. So I am just gonna dive in with the warning that I might be all over the place with it.

We seem to be in a bit of a growth period. That's a very good thing, but sometimes it makes my head spin too. So many subtle changes going on that I just can't keep up.

We have had some things that didn't work so well. He had been pushing me to find a video I liked. I know why he wanted me to do this, but I still found it difficult. I told him if this was something he wanted he really needed to push it and not give me a choice. He pushed, I failed, he spanked me. It was probably supposed to be a punishment type spanking, but that just doesn't work for me. It did however, motivate me to make the time to find something.

We have watched porn vids together for years so it should not have been a big deal to find one. Ummmm....yeah, it was a big thing. I like porn, but I'm very picky about what I will watch. He also didn't want just any old vanilla porn vid. He wanted me to find something that I liked, sorta a visual example for him of what I find enticing.

The problem is, I find most kink or BDSM vids too raw and intense for my tastes.  It's never a good thing when I'm watching one and I have to look away in disgust or run for the bathroom to be ill. But that is usually what seems to happen for me. The visual is just too much for me. With some effort, I found one. The intensity of it was a bit more then I would have liked, but it didn't have any actual activities that grossed me out. Time came to share it with him.

It didn't go so well, he found the intensity of it difficult to watch too, so we turned it off. Unfortunately, the comments he made left me feeling pretty bereft and remote. I just really, really wanted to run and hide. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about it. It sparked a monumental fight between Em and Rat in my mind that raged for about 24 hours, despite the fact that he had gone on to spank me and fuck my brains out.

The good thing about it all is that Rat won that fight. I did not spiral down, though I did become kinda quiet. Always a cause of concern for Musicman. That led to an elightening conversation that I think really helped us both. It also led to the first ever spanking not followed by sex. That is a major step for us. It is something we have talked just a little bit about in the past. Neither one of us was very sure how well that would go over. We both worried that my reaction would be negative. I'm quite happy to report that my reaction was anything but negative. Yay, another door opened.

We also had another first this week. I've never been much of a picture person. If the cameras come out, I head for the hills. I haven't had a camera since my kids were young. That camera was the old fashioned film kind. Kinda hard to take naughty pics of yourself if you have to take them somewhere to get developed. We don't have cell phones. I don't know how to text, much less sext. But, recently I have been wanting a camera, not really sure why, I just did.

We went shopping this weekend and Musicman bought me a digital camera. I'm still learning how to use it. My first success was doing the magic paddle pics post. My man is a bit of a voyeur, I'm a bit of an exhibionist, though I really don't like the way I look in pictures.

I spent yesterday doing some self pics and managed to put together a rather nice slideshow that I then sent to Musicman via email. That was an easy email to tell him about.  One thing I learned is self pics aren't as easy to do as I thought. The other thing I learned is that I kinda liked doing it. They involved me, in a very feminine white lacy sundress and my nipple clamps. I think he liked them. And today, I have several ideas for more pics. The camera takes videos too, and he has several ideas about that which I find quite enticing. Yay, another door opened.

So, over all, a pretty good week, and it's only wednesday.

The Perseids are messing with our chi

Sometimes I just have too many things running around in my head. Trying to catch a thought becomes difficult. It's like trying to catch a particular string from the tail of a tornado, impossible. That's usually when I start grabbing at random strings. Identifying and discarding as I go, until I can more plainly see the knot.

We had a lovely but somewhat frustrating weekend. We were both just a bit off. I sometimes think we both set very high expectations for ourselves, too. I've learned it's good to set high standards, but I've also learned you don't always achieve them on the first attempt. I think that is part of what my frustration is stemming from, a first attempt that didn't go as well we might have liked.

There were a few reasons that happened. Poor timing for one, it seemed to plague us all weekend. Saturday afternoon, lolling in a post sex haze, promises of more to come in both our minds. The phone rings, our son, a minor accident, a possible trip to the ER. SPLAT! Reality, right in the face.

I don't panic when it comes to dealing with this kind of thing. I become very clinical and efficient, very large and in charge, of everything. Musicman doesn't panic either, he takes direction very well and we make a strong team. Our son is fine, I patched him up with little, too no drama whatsoever. But, the whole incident brought up other issues that took us even further from a playful mood. 

We love our son very much, but he's been difficult to deal with lately. These issues could be ones that come between us if we let them. We have always worked hard not to let them come between us, but it's not always quick or easy. We were both just a bit tense the rest of the evening. We did eventually have a very nice encounter. But, I don't think either one of us was really in the right place mentally for it. 

I think that is another reason things were a bit off this weekend. Musicman just never seemed to get to the right place, he tried, and maybe if things with our son hadn't happened he would have. I don't know. The thing is, no one seemed at all surprised when I said Musicman admitted to not always feeling dominant. I wanted to just scream, BUT, YOU DON"T GET IT.  Then of course I remembered all the things I know, that you don't.

From where I sit, the dominance never really goes away. It reaches into all areas of our life, at varying levels.  It always has. Him being dominant or being the one in charge, is nothing new. Even he has admitted this before, several times. The intensity levels in some areas of our life, or the ways of expressing it, are new. That is what we struggled with this weekend, and sometimes weekends in the past.

I do understand that, now, but understanding does not bring an instant fix. We are working on it, and it certainly wasn't a bad weekend. There were many parts that were quite wonderful, but I think we both found it a bit frustrating too.  Or, maybe it was the Perseid meteor shower messing with our chi.

A Giant Misstep...or is it?

Sometimes things don't go so well, missteps are made, feelings are hurt, tempers fly. That is what happened last night. He took a bit of a misstep, I got my feelings hurt and then let my temper fly. Not pretty, and certainly not very submissive. Submissive? What's that?

We were both tired after a long week of work. My 2 weeks of training turned out to be 2 days of training and then left on my own to run an entire department because the woman I am job sharing with left for vacation. I wasn't too stressed about it as this is what I do, and I do it well. In fact, everyone at work is quite impressed with my abilities and they have told me so many times. So many times that I was starting to get a bit irritated with the constant surprise they displayed at my skills.

We've been having record breaking high temperatures and since Musicman's work environment is not air conditioned and involves lots of large hot machines he was suffering through it as best as he can. In this instance his best isn't very good, he doesn't do heat well at all. Add to that a bike rally being held here in town that is tying up traffic and complicating his commute, and we have one unhappy camper on our hands.

When he is tired like that, the little things go by the wayside. No little touches or  random swats, no groping everytime I came close. I was so lost in thought about the job that I barely noticed it. When I did notice, it didn't really bother me as I understood we were both tired and preoccupied. In short, there was a total lack of dominance on his part and not a thought of submission on mine.

We curled up together in bed, he clearly was in the mood for something, but was being quite passive about it. I tried to engage him some, but it didn't work. It seemed to me like he was just in the mood for what I refer to as lazy sex. Lazy sex happens when we are both tired, yet still want the connection. We know it will feel good and we will fall asleep faster and happier afterwards.

Lazy sex isn't a problem for me, at the right time and with the right circumstances it is quite appropriate and always better then nothing. Except for last night, last night, nothing would have been better. It started out just fine, he went with the tried and true 69.

I'm a big fan of 69, because the man has some incredible oral skills and it always gets me off several times. I also love having him on top in that activity cause it is so easy to take all of him in that position. The curve of his cock fits so naturally with the curve of my throat that deep throating is a cinch.  It's also a great ab workout, what better way to get some crunches in.

The problem started when all of a sudden he changed position on me and started talking. Normally I love it when he talks, the dirtier the better usually. Occasionally though, like last night, when he switches from passive to dominant in 1.5 seconds my brain can't keep up. It confuses me, it feels like a freight train barrelling down the track and right over the cliff because the bridge is out. Crash. Burn.

I crashed, I burned and I there I was, stuck in the wreckage and confusion. He knew something was wrong, he asked if I was okay. In the past I have said I was fine, even though I wasn't. That isn't what I did last night. Last night, when he asked, I exploded all over him. I told him no, I wasn't alright and why I wasn't alright.

It came out in bursts of anger and annoyance. I tried to get away from him and get out of bed. He didn't let me. He just held me still and let me rant. After I wound down he addressed what I had just said. Then I exploded all over him again, he held me some more and let me rant till I calmed again. We cycled this way a few times, until I calmed down enough to actually tell him what went wrong.

In the past something like this would have sent me spiralling for days. Withdrawing into myself and drowning in pools of tears and self doubt. Analyzing every little thing trying to figure out what went wrong. It is a vicious cycle I get stuck in, I hate it and he has little too no idea how to help me. Eventually it either passes or he steps up and the dominance comes roaring back and I feel all better.

The fact that I was able to get to the end point of the cycle in under 10 minutes is a huge accomplisment. So is the fact that I was able to tell him exactly what he did that caused the problem. I love when he is dominant, but when he turns it off and then suddenly back on, it doesn't feel like dominance to me. It feels like passive aggressive behavior on his part. That I can't handle.

He apologized, profusely. He said he owed me. I don't like him thinking that way. We don't keep score, we never have, that is not productive for us. Doesn't mean I don't want it, just means I don't like when he says that or thinks that way.

We have a full day of chores and household tasks to accomplish. Whether we accomplish anything else or not I'm leaving up to him. He's a smart guy, he knows what I need, now it's up to him to fix his misstep.

        

End of an Interlude

Ah, the interlude is over, Musicman has gone back to work. Maybe now he will get some rest, lol. We were lying in bed last night, completely worn out and satisfied, when I asked him what he was going to tell his co-workers when they ask him what he did with his time off.

It seems a bit inappropriate for him to say that he made a paddle for his wife. Which makes it even more inappropriate for him to say he used it multiple times on her.  He could tell them how I made a temporary suede leather cover for the paddle that we test drove Saturday night. It's divine.

He could tell them how I can't resist playing with our shiny new toys and became a bit aggressive with the bullet vibe and my hands and mouth on his beautiful cock after the spanking. Or how that was just one of many times this weekend I had him in my mouth. Proof positive the man never gets tired of getting blowjobs. Heeheehee.

He could tell them how he turned the tables on me and tortured me with that bullet vibe until I was literally whimpering for more. He just chuckled, kinda fiendishly and took his time while he took my breathe away, repeatedly.

He could tell them how our plans for Sunday Morning were rained out. But it might not be such a good idea to share that instead, he woke me with roaming hands and soon had me whimpering again with pleasure, and that was before the flogger came into play.

He could tell them how it took 73 brass tacks for me to permanently fasten the leather on the paddle. I just covered one side, the other we left the way it was. The leather side has a bit more of a thud than the wood, which has a delicious sting to it. The anticipation between swats is just as powerful of a turn on for me as the actual swat. Knowing that all he has to do is switch from side to side to change the sensation is quite enticing to me. Knowing how well he reads me, I anticipate he will use it very effectively to keep me guessing.

We opted not to put holes in this one, he assures me has plenty of wood to make another one. So, at some point we will have a paddle with holes. Now, I just need to decide on the pattern for the holes, maybe a word.

I don't know what he will tell them, but I know it won't be any of the things I mentioned above. Musicman is never inappropriate, unlike me. He did comment to me that he is having more sex then when he was 28, or 38 for that matter. He assured me that was just an observation, not a complaint. That's always nice to know, especially since I'm the one he is having the sex with, just as it was when he was 28 and 38.

Today I have been cleaning the aftermath of the 4 days of play. Picking up clothing scattered randomly, in our haste to get naked. Towels galore, utilized for the many post coital cleanups, need laundered.  Sheets with the corners that popped free in the vigorous moments of play, removed and replaced with fresh. Don'tcha just love the challenge of clean sheets? Washing and putting away the vibes and paddles and floggers scattered around the area. We keep everything on the headboard of the bed, it's a mirrored bookcase headboard. Many more implements or toys and I am going to have to think of something else. It's getting crowded up there.

While I've been cleaning, various thoughts about the weekend have floated through my mind. Looking back at the things we tried that worked really well and the things that didn't. I asked Musicman yesterday if there was anything he hadn't done this weekend that he wanted too? There was one thing, yeah, that thing I can't name yet. It didn't happen, but we are making progress with it. We talked just a bit about why it didn't happen, and where we go from here, to get there.

I have realized we both have a few goals, things we would like to see happen on the next step of our journey. They are the same goals, but, as usual, we aren't approaching them the same way. This doesn't surprise me a bit, as we never do approach solving issues the same way. The discussions we had about this have given me the seeds of some answers, but they aren't fully bloomed yet. Once they are, I will propose them to Musicman and see what he thinks.

Unfortunately, it may be a bit before I get the chance to let them bloom as I start my new job tomorrow. I will be working full time for the next two weeks at least, so that will cut into my kinky thinking time. That's okay though, I am looking forward to starting this job and think in the long run, focusing on that for a bit will be a big benefit. Once I get through the orientation/training, which I don't anticipate will be more then two weeks, I will be able to settle in to a nice part time schedule.

Then, let the blooming begin. 

So, I may not be around as much the next few weeks, but if I'm not don't worry, I will be back soon and ready to play again.

I Thought I'd Share

I've been having a lovely day today.  The sun is shining and it's not too hot. My pie has a broken purple crust, but that is just making me laugh at this point. I've spent my day cleaning and prepping and wracking my brain for something special for Musicman.

He is not an easy man to surprise, or even to do nice things for. While I was thinking about why that was I thought I would take this opportunity to share a bit more with you about Musicman. After all, we all know I'm just a silly girl, he is the real star of this show. At least he is for me, so don't dis allusion me, I won't appreciate it.

Musicman is a very responsible man, he does not really know how to relax. He doesn't really have hobbies or spend much time just enjoying life. He works very hard, and if left to his own devices he would never remember to stop and enjoy the fruits of his labors. He is much, much too serious. That is where I come in. I recognized this about him a long time ago, and took it upon myself to help him.

So, I have all kinds of ideas and suggestions for things we can do over the next few days. I will present all the ideas and see if any of them survive his first perusal. Some of them will not and will then be off the table. The rest will likely go in the maybe pile, further discussions will be held, negotiations completed, with each idea or suggestion. Of course the final decision is his. That's just the way it has always been with us. And I don't have any problem with that.

I enjoy the whole process of negotiating and trying to get some of my wilder ideas approved. If I can get him to do something really silly with me, well...then we all win. That rarely happens though, which has probably saved my hide more times then I care to think about. I still try though, I'll never stop trying.

I'll never stop trying because he needs me to push him, to have fun and take some pleasure in the frivolities of life. As I said, I expect there will be a lot of negotiating about different things, and I like these exchanges. It is a good exercise for us in communicating. We communicate very differently, approach almost any given situation differently. I still marvel how differently sometimes.

I enjoy his points of view, and often find myself  being grateful. I'm grateful that he sees the things I don't, he thinks about the possibilities and consequences I haven't considered. I know he is often flabbergasted with how my mind works. I don't blame him, I am too.

I don't think I've ever told him how fascinated I am with the way his mind works. During these times of negotiating my little adventures, I often find myself in awe. Awe that he can so easily see all those tiny things I don't. The tiny things that when missed are gonna be the ones I trip and fall on. The practical things that I never worry about, cause that's not fun. It's something I have come to rely on him doing for me.

I'm in awe of his own personal strength. The strength that would never let me walk all over him or push him around, and do whatever I want, just because I might want to. Even when I don't get one of my ideas past his approval, I never resent it, because I know he has a good reason for it. Usually that reason is my safety, he is not a selfish man and would never deny me anything just because he can.

I also love the energy generated during these negotiations. It is a very positive energy that develops from us working together as a team. We look at all sides of the situation, each one of us contributing our own unique insights and working together to meld them into a workable plan. I find it very satisfying, and think it really strengthens our basic foundation for dealing with life together.

I'm planning on pampering him, and pushing him, and negotiating wild adventures that if done right will lead to fun experiences and wonderful memories. I'm hoping he will relax and enjoy life some, maybe set practicality aside for just a little while. I'm hoping I can convince him to be carefree and silly with me for just a brief moment or two. I'm hoping I can bring as much joy to his life as he brings to mine.

And of course there's the birthday spanking too.

Falling Off The Learning Curve

I am aware that when starting this lifestyle there is a bit of a learning curve. I'm so tired of falling off that curve. I'm even more tired of being thrown off. I know he doesn't mean to do that, but it keeps happening anyway.

The weekend started off well enough, but it soon devolved into a series of miscommunications on both our parts that caused a bit of an issue. Musicman has developed a bad habit of speaking before he thinks. He says things off the cuff, things that are not designed to hurt me, but they do. My usual response of late is to withdraw into silence, at which point he gives up and ignores me.

He knows ignoring me is the worst thing he could do, or at least he should because I've told him that multiple times. Besides, that is not new, I have never been ammenable to being ignored. I made a concerted effort not to withdraw into silence because I know that's not helpful.

He made an effort, he took advantage of an empty house, we had some play time. Everything is good, NOT. Sometimes it just doesn't quite work as well as we would like. It works fine for him, just not so much for me sometimes. It is not my most shining moment to say the least when this happens.

My mind floods with all kinds of doubts and negativity. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want me. This is not working. I'm a freak and I should just stop needing this. I shouldn't be so sensitive, that is what Musicman tells me. Hmm, a sensitive female, go figure. He also says I shouldn't think so much. We've been here before and I don't like the scenery much.

I made an effort to talk about the issue. Musicman listens, but he makes almost zero effort to respond. Apparently it's okay for me to struggle to communicate but not him. I make it too easy for him because I am more then willing to make excuses for him. I tell myself he's been through so much the last few months, he just needs more time. I get that, afterall, it's not like he has gone through this all alone.

After the useless histrionics on my part concluded I worked up my courage and told him what I needed. It was hard, but I kept reminding myself he is not a mind reader. In a pathetic attempt to avoid actually giving voice to my needs I asked him if he had learned to read my mind yet. He assured me he had not. So I found my voice and I told him I needed more. Yay me, forward progress, even if baby steps, is still progress.  He listened, he gave me what I needed. All is good. Until the next morning.

I woke up much earlier than he did. Not unusual and not a problem, I was having coffee and reading the newspaper. I'm a bit of a news junkie and love to read the newspaper. I had baked cinammon rolls for breakfast. It should have been a pleasant morning. It would have been if he just would have thought for one minute before opening his mouth and making a careless comment. A comment that if he had thought at all about he would have realized that it would do nothing but add fuel to the doubts I wrestle with. I tried not to retreat, I told him how the comment affected me. He said I need to be less sensitive, it was a joke. I didn't find it funny.

He tells me he doesn't like to see my sad eyes, he wants me to be happy. He has the ability to help me be happy, but he tells me if I'm not happy that's up to me to fix. To a certain extent I agree. There is one small problem with that though, I can't do this alone, if I could I certainly would.

I don't think he realizes how dangerous it is to say things like that to me when I'm upset. You see, I will fight for what I want, I'll fight with everything I have. That's how I survived my childhood, by never giving up. But, at some point if it seems like losing is inevitable, I'll stop fighting. I'll change my strategy, I'll run. The last time I ran I was 17. I found myself 1000 miles away from anyone or anything familiar. I had a borrowed car, a box of basic necessities, a suitcase of clothes and a small amount of money and that's it. I had no place to live, no job and didn't know a soul. I survived.

I've never considered giving up on this relationship, I've never considered running. Lately, when things like this happen, and he says off hand things, things that he doesn't even remember saying later, I think about running. That scares me.

Vanilla? Maybe Not.

I'm still thinking about what to put in an email for my hubby. Haven't figured it out yet, but I'm a persistent kinda gal and I know I will eventually figure it out. It is a lot more complicated then I first thought it was, and really isn't about him or this lifestyle I asked for. It is more about this little identity crisis I am going through related to my career and the current burnout I am experiencing. I'm not so sure a spanking will really help. Anyway, still thinking on that.

In the mean time, when I'm not awash in hormones things have been going great. One of the things that is really jumping out at me is we are not nearly as vanilla as I thought we were.

The truth is I never really thought about it all that much. Musicman's take on it is, it's just what we do. Yep that's what he tells me when I sometimes wonder about the things I want to do. It's not kinky, it's just what we do. I like the way my man thinks.

I am still kind of amazed that it totally escaped my notice how submissive I really am. 

One might think that a woman who is so used to not wearing underwear unless at work that it feels odd to actually wear them might just be a little more clued in. Not so much folks. It's just what I do, never thought anymore about it then that.

Musicman says I make it too easy for him, I take good care of him, I treat him well, I do what he wants me to do, I defer to him and he naturally leads. It is just who we are. He has admitted that he might be a little too comfortable and he needs to work a little more at what I want now. He does realize more then I give him credit for sometimes. He is not much of a talker though, never has been, and sometimes I let the fact that he isn't talking about it lead me to believe he isn't thinking about it or taking it seriously enough. Wrong.

I can see that even though some of the things are very subtle changes, they are also big changes. He is naturally dominant, but has suppressed it for so long because of the things I went through and how they affected me. Since his first instinct is to protect me, even from the nightmares and bad memories, I get that he has reservations about moving too fast. Smart guy. 

He also doesn't like the bruises, I wish I didn't bruise so easily, but I always have. I'm a bit of a klutz to boot so I always have stray bruises somewhere.

I slept in this morning while he got up and took our son to school. When he got home he came back to bed. 

I love the way he wakes me up, hands stroking me all over, I love his hands. The directive to roll over is enough to get me wet, hand spanking followed by the hairbrush, yummy. The delicious feel of his hot cum spewing all over my red ass, heaven. And that is just a snippet of round one. A small rest and we commenced to round two, hehehehe. He says I'm gonna bruise and I'm gonna feel it for awhile. I told him I like it that way. Yes, I'm a happy girl. Now if I could just get those pesky hormones to behave.

Post Apocalypse

How do I explain something I don't understand myself?

Things have been going great, especially since I am so bad at knowing what it is I want and need. I know what I don't want, does that help? Maybe a little. 

So yesterday I woke up to my alarm going off and was in the grips of a nightmare. I have a terrible history of repetitive nightmares. They have occurred my whole life and sparked my interest in dream interpretation. Once I remember the nightmare, I can write it down and then I use Dictionary of Dreams to interpret it. It always helps me figure out what is going on and deal with it and then like magic the nightmare goes away. 

I don't remember the nightmare, but it did trigger a full fledged plunge off the ledge to what I refer to as menopause brain. They have a pattern, a definite beginning, middle and end. If I can catch them at the beginning I have a chance to stop them and not have a total melt down. Once we get to the middle though, too late, I'm a raving lunatic. By the time Musicman woke up I was in the middle, how pleasant for him to wake up to a raving lunatic for a wife. Not so much.

After the last time this happened and we talked about it I thought he understood what I needed him to do to help me. Yeah, no. He reverted right back to what he used to do many, many years ago when I had PMS issues that were out of control. He leaves me alone, back then that is what I wanted. It was pretty easy to figure out since I would scream at him to NOT TOUCH ME.  I would tell him, leave me alone, his instinct was not to do that. But I couldn't stand to be touched then, it made things worse, so he learned to leave me alone and at all costs not to touch me. 

A change in birth control helped get that issue under control. This menopause brain thing is something relatively new, I've been dealing with it for about a year. I understand his instinct to do what worked last time, only it doesn't work this time. I need his help, he wants to help, but during these times I am not able to tell him in any coherent fashion what will help. It is very frustrating for both of us. 

Once the episode is over I am always physically and mentally exhausted, not the best time to talk.  He tried, he wants to know what will help. I am frustrated because I have told him before and he doesn't seem to remember. Apparently reminding him of it doesn't jog his memory, it just confused him more. 

We did make some small progress, I told him about this little blog. He knew I was writing, he knew I was reading blogs, he has seen me leaving comments on blogs and when he asked what I was doing I told him. I never kept it a secret, I just never came right out and said I was writing a blog. I never worried about it because I knew that if it helped me he would be ok with it. 

He reacted exactly as I anticipated, he asked if it was helping me, I said yes and that was the end of it. He has not asked to see it or to read it. I'm ok with that, but he did ask me to write to him about what will help with the menopause brain episodes. Normally he doesn't like me writing him emails, he prefers me to just talk to him, imagine that. I guess he has realized that if we are going to make any kind of progress with this issue I need to write it down or I can't really get it out in a way that makes much sense.

So I will try again, because as he reminded me, we have been through worse and will get through this. I just don't know yet what I am going to put in the email. I have time to figure it out because he doesn't check his email for months at a time, so once I do finally get it all out and send it I will have to tell him I sent it or he won't find it for months. Not helpful.

Let's Dance

During our many conversations over the last week my husband kept saying he didn't want anything in our everyday life to change. He feels if he were to micromanage me I would kick his ass(his words). Once I stopped laughing I agreed he was right. Such a smart guy he is. But really, we have been together a long time and we worked all the details so to speak out a long time ago. When we were first together we fought not alot, but when we did fight they were bad. During one particularly bad fight I threw a coffee table at him. I'm really not the type to throw or break things when I get mad, in fact that's the only time somthing like that ever happened. Thank the good lord I didn't actually hit him with it. And let me just say here, he has never raised a hand to me in anger and he never would, hurting a woman is not in his DNA. He has punched a few walls, broke his hand once doing it. Well after that incident I went to the bookstore and looked at the relationship and self help books. I had scared the every lovin' crap out of myself and didn't want it to happen again. I found a couple that resonated with me, so I bought them and took them home. As I read them I discussed them with hubby, the things in the books made sense to him too. We used a lot of strategies in those two books to learn how to effectively communicate with each other. We learned alot about ourselves and each other. Some of the things were difficult to do, but we kept at it and things got better between us and the strategies soon became like second nature for us. So no need to reinvent the wheel here. He was relieved to hear I agreed with him in that respect.

So I went back and looked at the books recently.  Books are the one thing I never get rid of, too Fahrenheit 451ish for me. I wanted to see if these books in any way alluded to Dominance and submission or anything like that. They didn't, just communication skills. So I guess I really am a naturally submissive woman, cause I really don't struggle with it at all. Of course I'm only that way with him, in most any other relationship I'm the Dominant.  Oddly enough I don't struggle or need an adjustment time when switching between the two either. Okay, I was prepared to accept that I might really be naturally submissive and had just suppressed it due to the circumstances I grew up with. But something has been niggling away at the back of mind about it. Seems my subconscious wasn't quite as prepared to accept that label as I was.

Then I remembered one of the worst fights we had ever had, you would think me throwing a coffee table would be it, but sadly no. The one thing that always caused the worst fights between us was my dancing. I've said before I love to dance and I still dance alot, almost every day.  Now the easiest way to explain why my dancing caused such problems is tell you something my husband's best friend said about it. He told my husband I could make millions on the pole. Yeah, he meant a stripper pole. Now I have never removed my clothes while dancing, except for my husband, I do that all the time. I have also never made any money dancing, too prostitutey for me. I know that's not a word, but I don't think the grammar police care too much. 

Anyway, hubby likes the way I dance, he just doesn't care for the way strangers react to it. Mainly they come on to me. I always turn them down, but it has caused him to get in a few, or maybe more, fights with other guys.  So one night I was dancing, hubby was playing pool, our usual night out at the time. A guy approached me and started coming on to me,  my hubby has unerring radar for this kind of thing and is instantly at my side when it happens. The guy asked me if I thought he could beat my husband. I told him no I didn't and that it didn't matter anyway since I had come with him I was leaving with him. The guy backed off, I thought I had handled it well.  My husband was more pissed then I could fathom. I had no idea why he was mad at me.  We left for home shortly after that.

Once we got home the fighting commenced, I really just didn't get it.  I mean I had taken care of my self and protected myself all my life and I didn't need him to do it for me. That as it turns out was the problem. He told me he knew I didn't need him to protect me, but he wanted to be the one to protect me. Light bulb moment for me, I guess I was just so used to doing it myself I never even entertained the idea of letting someone else do it.  I made a conscious decision at that moment, I would let him protect me and I would do what I could to make it easier for him.  I do still dance in public on occasion, but only after I have checked with him to see if he is comfortable with it. Sometimes he isn't, I don't do it then, cause his happiness is way more important to me then dancing. That is what really started me down this road. I found someone who could give me the one thing I had never had and didn't know I even wanted, protection.

On Black Friday, I went to my favorite consignment shop and hit the jackpot. We have his holiday party coming up, I found the sparkliest silver heels and the cutest little black dress. The dress looks like the one worn by Marilyn Monroe, the one that blows up around her while she is standing on the grate, except it's black. Both the shoes and dress fit like they were tailor made for me, and bonus the whole outfit only cost $30. I love a good deal. When I modeled them for my husband later that night he said I was going to be the sexiest wife on the dance floor and I was all his. Such a smart man.

I also asked for dance lessons for christmas. He said yes, they start in February. Now don't go trying to picture me in a pink tutu or anything like that. I'm going to learn to belly dance.  Hip wraps and belly chains here I come. HaHaHaHa.