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I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.
I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.
I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.
I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.
A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.
Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.
I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.
You are so not alone in this. I often picture in my head, have a conversation all figured out, and then BANG....it is not at all the way He wants it to go. I used to argue and question...i am getting better at not doing that...but i think it is difficult. We are strong woman, as much as we truly want that dominance, it is not always easy to accept. Hugs for recognizing it.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Now that I recognize what I am doing I can work on changing it, but I don't for a minute think it will be an easy thing.
Delete(((hugs))) oh you're DEFINITELY not alone. I come back to this struggle regularly *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI probably should be questioning my intelligence since I've read many times about others struggles with this and yet never thought to apply it to my own situation. Duh me, lol.
DeleteIsn 't this daily? Nicely stated. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteGosh I hope this isn't gonna be a daily thing, though now that I have realized I'm doing it I can hopefully begin to change it.
DeleteIt's easier for me - Nick does't want control, I think he would just as soon do all the TTWD the way I ask, when I finally get around to asking. But I'm glad you got this worked out for yourself and I know you'll keep working on it.
ReplyDeleteAnd please, the next time you have a problem like this to unravel, come to my house! You'll have all the house work and cooking opportunities you could ever possibly need!
Heeheeeheee, just give me a call at 1-800-faeriemaid and I'll be on my way. I'm sure I will encounter many more housework worthy knots to unravel. There was a time when I thought Musicman was just very comfortable with the level of control he had and didn't want more, but now I realize that isn't exactly the truth. Took me awhile, but I am finally starting to get it, maybe :)
DeleteI struggle with this too, on an almost daily basis. I think it's bound to happen, really.
ReplyDeleteI don't face this on a daily basis, only when it comes to certain things he asks of me. But then again after so many years together, I've had a lot of practice in submitting to him. One would think that would make me better at it, but apparently not.
DeleteHey Faerie...you are not alone...this is actually quite a common struggle. I have to wonder how many times our HoH's picture how something is going to work out and it plays out totally differently than what they imagine. Recognizing the issue and wanting to change give you a big leg up on many! Keep up the hard work.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
Yanno...I've often read about others struggles with this and just never recognized it in myself. Now that he is pushing the lines a bit though, it has become obvious to me what I am doing. Hopefully that awareness will help me deal with it better.
DeleteNodding too Faerie, you are definitely not alone in this struggle. It's so hard when the picture in his mind doesn't match ours.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Roz
Wouldn't it be so much easier if they just did things the way we think they should? Oh wait, if that happened we'd be the Dom instead of the sub. Drat.
DeleteHi Faerie, I think this is what many (if not most) have to go through ... again and again. But you have this awareness about yourself and your relationship, and see where you would like to be better. That's great, even if it does not always work out the way MM or you want it to. You try and work for MM and yourself.
ReplyDeleteI cannot really be sure what MM might say about this, but I think he surely appreciates you for what you do. ... Probably even more so because you do it for him as much as for yourself.
hugs
Nina
I don't know if it really bothers him as much as it bothers me, but it was a big revelation for me anyway. Time for me to put my big girl panties on and do better at submitting to him and his wishes, sigh.
DeleteYoure last paragraph really hits home with me cause I find myself going through this exact same struggle.
ReplyDeleteIt really stinks, doesn't it? You try so hard, only to be faced with the fact that you got it wrong. I hate that feeling.
DeleteIt is hard to completely let go of control and free ourselves of expectations of what we imagine and what is. Awareness is the heart of it though... hugs
ReplyDeleteExpectations...those seem to be my downfall. I'm hoping awareness will be my savior...at least a little bit anyway.
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