Thursday, June 28, 2018

Return to Reality

I'm back home. I ended up staying an extra week. My sister-in-law is dealing with a very difficult issue with her mom.  She has dementia and T was forced to place her in a long term care facility a year and a half ago.

The care is horrific and her mom has been declining fast due to the rampant neglect. When I visited last time, about 6 months ago, I was so appalled at her condition I called  Adult Protective Services. They did investigate and still have an open case. Unfortunately those things take time and things have only gotten worse .

Due to a threat made by the facility, we now have the local and state ombudsman, the state licensure board and legal aid involved. The threat was received Friday evening before I was scheduled to leave on Saturday.  T was in a full blown melt down, I  couldn't leave her like that.  Also, I've  spent almost 40 years in healthcare , primarily caring for the elderly.  I had to stay and help her fight for her mom.  It's going to take awhile for everything to work out, but all the right people have been contacted and the issues are being addressed.

I've spent this week getting settled back in here at home and getting ready for my surgery.  Next Friday is the big day.  I'm nervous, but so ready for my shoulder to be fixed.

I was so hoping that time away would help with some clarity between Musicman and myself.  It has, but not in the way I was hoping for.

I may have mentioned before that my son has rage issues, primarily directed at women. He also has a habit of carrying large hunting style knives and a very large scary handgun on him at all times.  Late last summer he came after me in a rage.  Musicman did not step in to stop it or to protect me. I told my son he had to leave, he did.  I made it clear to Musicman that I would no longer live in fear or as a prisoner in my own home.

Two days before I left my son showed up beating on the door saying he'd been kicked out of his apartment. I did not let him in.  I had found out earlier that day that he had been staying with a female cousin of his who is close in age to him and he was close to.  That was after he'd been kicked out of 2 different friends places.  His cousin contacted me later and told me what happened.  He terrorized her, raging at her just like he does to me.  It was so bad she called the police to get him out.

My son needs help, but he's almost 23 years old. In the state I live in you can't force anyone over the age of 14 to get help unless they harm themselves or someone else.  I specifically told Musicman that I knew our son would show up again and if he let him in I was done.  Is anyone surprised that the day I left he showed up and Musicman let him in?

The whole 6 weeks I was gone Musicman promised me he would be gone when I got home.  Anyone surprised I'm home and my son is still here?  I'm not, I love my son very much, but he needs to grow up and Musicman continues to enable his bad behavior, at the cost of my safety and peace of mind.

I've made no hard decisions yet, I'm solely focused on my health and my upcoming surgery.  I have a plan in place to keep myself safe through my surgery and recovery.  I've had long talks with T and my brother and have a plan in place to get out once I'm cleared from my surgeon's care if it's needed. Of course I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but unfortunately, right now, it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen.



18 comments:

  1. My apologies if I'm overstepping, as I have been an avid reader of your blog though tend not to comment. Just want to offer some words of support and I'm sorry for all that has been going on, but so relieved to hear you have a plan if needed. Difficult times, for sure. Best to you with your surgery and everything else that is going on.

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    1. Thank you for commenting Deena, you're always welcome and the support and well wishes are appreciated.

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  2. Thinking of you and sending positive healing energy as you go into surgery. May the healing process be smooth and quick. Not just for your shoulder but for your heart too. Please take care of yourself. I am glad you have a plan in place if you need it. I hope your sister in law's mother gets the help she deserves - no one deserves to treat anyone unkindly. And I hope your son chooses to get help to work through his issues - the way I see it, he has harmed others, maybe not physically, but emotional health is just as important. Many hugs and healing to you and all you care about

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    1. Thank you for the eloquent words of support Terpsichore. Even with everything I'm going through physically I wish there was more I could do for my sister in law, her mom and my son.

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  3. Oh so many things i want to say. Not the least is i’m relieved u have a plan. It doesnt sound like your home (with son there) is the best place for recuperation. Also, good vibes being sent for the surgery and recovery.

    As for SIL’s mum, i have a father with dementia and he is getting to the point where we are beginning to consider long term nursing home care. I worry about the quality of care as well, and as we arent rolling in dough unfortunately we cant afford the top of the line private ones. The state has subsidised facilities but some are better than others, and we dont always get the ones we pick.

    Im also glad to hear u have some experience in this area and managed to stay on to help her out in contacting the relevant people to handle the issue.

    Ok enough. Big hugs!

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    1. Thank you Fondles, I agree that having my son in the house during my recovery is not a good situation, unfortunately I have no other choice. I never thought I'd need a plan to get out of my own home, but that's exactly where I am. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. Dementia is an insidious disease and making the decision to place loved ones in a care facility is difficult. I wish you the best of luck with finding a place you are all comfortable with .

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  4. Just wanted to send you virtual hugs...for everything you are going through and facing.

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    1. Thank you morninstar, a hug from a friend always helps ☺

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  5. Wishing you the best with the surgery. I hope things get better there at home.

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    1. Thank you, I'm running a little low on hope these days , but haven't given up totally.

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  6. Hi Faerie,

    I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with right now. Sending positive thoughts your way and wishing you the best for the surgery and recovery.

    I hope the issues around the care of your Sil's Mom are quickly resolved and that your son seeks the support he needs. I'm glad too that you have a plan should you need it.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, it give me some comfort to have a plan , though it's quite upsetting to realize I need one. Things continue to move in the right direction for my SIL and her mom, though slower than either of us would like. I doubt my son will seek help until something drastic happens. He doesn't think he has a problem.

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  7. I think this all stinks and it's not right. You choose your kids over your spouse when they are little, once they are grown it should flip the other way. Musicman is dead wrong. I wonder if he is afraid of him too. It may be time for MM to make his final decision about who he wishes to live with. Good luck with your surgery and recovery. Please let us know how everything goes.

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    1. I'm so glad you said that, it's exactly how I feel, but Musicman doesn't feel that way and often makes me doubt my own feelings. Musicman isn't afraid of him, he's not afraid of anyone that I've ever seen. I don't know why he can't see that he's enabling, not helping. At this point I'll be the one making a decision, clearly Musicman has made his choice.

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  8. Focus on yourself.

    sorry to hear about MM's decision. Hope he wises up and hope his decision to back up his son against you doesn't end in a horrible outcome.

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    1. That's exactly what I'm doing, focusing on myself. This surgery isn't going to be a walk in the park and I'm doing what I need to get through it. I've pretty much given up on Musicman changing his decision about our son. That's why I have a plan to get out. And that makes me very sad.

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  9. I am a lurker and only occasionally do i comment. I am not a professional in any sense, but have been in a few situations recently and may be able to give some advice. As far as surgery and recouperation, have you looked into going to a rehab place for a couple weeks? I have sent my mom there many times after surgeries to get assistance and insurance usually pays at least 21 days. That will give you time to get stronger to handle the son situation. As for you sister in law, I lost my dad to Alzheimers and the process was painful with homes. I learned a few things, always go on a unscheduled visit to any home you are looking into. If they do not let you in with out an appointment, don't put your loved one there. Check on the other patients there, ask questions of their loved ones. Really do research. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way. I will pray that surgery goes well and that you can make strong decisions to protect yourself.

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    1. Thank you for all the wonderful advice. My condition does not qualify for a stay in rehab. I'm following a plan that I have in place to stay away from my son for my own safety. I'm so sorry for what you went through with your dad. Alzheimers and dementia are such vicious diseases. T is continuing to fight for her mom with long distance support from me and she's doing an awesome job.

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