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Wednesday, August 8, 2018

The Next Chapter

I'm currently enjoying the warmth and sunshine south of the Mason-Dixon line.   I've been back here with my brother and T for a little over a week now. 

I'm following doctor's orders,  resting and allowing my shoulder to heal.  I have to head back up north at the end of the month for my next check up.  I don't want to go.

Musicman and I finally had a much needed discussion before I left. Getting Musicman to talk about our relationship is nearly impossible.  It was never easy, but has become much worse over the past year or two.  That fact in itself has been a big issue for me, but I was determined and pushed until he talked.

I wasn't really surprised with what he had to say, his actions have been saying it for quite sometime, but it still stung a bit to hear.  He told me, " I used to want you.  I want to want you, but you make it too hard."

I'm not the type of person to stay somewhere I'm not wanted.  I now find myself trying to wrap my head around the fact that after more than 3 decades I'm going to be single again.

I'm not afraid, a little sad, but oddly, a little relieved.  I've experienced and survived so many life changes, so I know I will survive this one too.  I'm trying to find the positives in this situation, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm trying to picture in my head what my life might look like as I move forward, but I'm  not there yet either. 

One thing I know for sure, I won't have to face this next chapter of my life alone.  I have the full support of my brother and T.  While I'm grateful beyond words for that, I've realized I've never actually had that in my life before.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  No one, not even Musicman ever really loved, cared and supported me for me. 




20 comments:

  1. I am sad that it has come to this...and yet I am hopeful too. I feel as though you are now free to begin a new life in which you can truly be you and can find happiness. You are not alone. I wish you the best always. Hugs to you.

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    1. I feel exactly the same my friend. I'm a bit surprised that I find myself in this situation but I am determined to make the best of it and am sure good things will come into my life again.

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  2. In this instance, Musicman sounds like a self-induglent dick.
    Take of yourself, Faerie.

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    1. I love your bluntness Bleue, and I couldn't agree more .

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  3. It is time....I was in a similar situation many years ago...when my now ex told me I was too hard to love and he had no interest in touching me...I faced the facts....may your new journey be as fulfilling and wonderful as my second life journey has been...hugs abby

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    1. Abby, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, that must have been difficult for you to go through. You give me hope that not only am I going to survive this, but that a happy healthy relationship again is a possibility for me.

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  4. i'm sad that you had to hear the words, but i understand the relief and being able to depend on your brother and T for support is wonderful. I hope you find much strength and peace in the days to come, and know you can come here to unload whatever and whenever! *hugs and love*

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and support Fondles. I'm the kind of person who always says, never say never, but I honestly never thought, much less said this is where I would be and what I'd be dealing with now.

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  5. I too am sad to read this Fairie, those words must have been so hard to hear. Time focus on you, and firstly your recovery from the surgery. I'm so glad your brother and T are there for you.

    I hope the next chapter brings peace and happiness. You deserve it!

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Those words, while expected, where very hard to hear, but he's been saying a lot of hurtful things to me lately. I am extremely lucky to have my brother and T in my life and so willing to give me the love and support I need.

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  6. Hi Faerie,

    I’m so sorry that you have had to go through these rough times. So great that you have support and love from your brother and T. You sound like you have such a good attitude moving forward. You so deserve being in a peaceful and loving environment. I wish you well!

    Feel good as you continue to recover from your surgery. We are here for you. Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. I'm not sure I'd say I have a good attitude, to me it feels more like relief. I've been trying so hard for so long to get to a good place in our relationship, unfortunately, he hasn't shown any interest in that at all.

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  7. A new chapter - that can always be a welcome event. Whether the last chapter was good or bad, this one is new and fresh and full of potential. You don't have to know what it looks like, just be open to any possibility.

    I wish you didn't have to go north for the re-check. Couldn't they transfer your recovery to a doctor close to where you are now?

    I'm happy you have your brother and T. I feel sorry for musicman for what he is losing. Someday he'll regret it but it will probably be too late. Look for your joy - it's out there.

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    1. I did think about trying to find a doctor down here before my surgery, but I've been dealing with this for a year and a half and didn't want to start all over again. I like my surgeon, he's one of the best in our city, and I didn't want to jump through all the hoops dealing with the insurance and disability company again. It's still hard for me to think about Musicman being alone and unhappy, but he brought this on and I just can't be the only one putting an effort into our relationship anymore.

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  8. Glad to hear youre healing and sorry to hear about you and Musicman but maybe now you find the happiness you was meant to have.

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    1. Thank you, I'm definitely hoping for exactly that. Happiness again 💖

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  9. Take care of yourself. I hope the next chapter brings you happiness.

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    1. Thank you DelFonte, I hope so too. It may take me awhile to remember what that looks like, but sooner or later it will happen.

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  10. I have been a lazy blogger this summer - hardly writing at all and reading even less :(

    I had a little time this morning... and found myself reading this blog entry. I won't say I am surprised -- but for some reason I am sad. ('in my world' as my kids say -- it's all fairy tales and happy ever after endings)

    I am very glad you have the support of your brother and T -- hopefully it will make the start of this new chapter a little easier.

    May you find happiness and peace :)

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  11. Thank you for the kind words morningstar. I think that a world of fairytales and happily ever afters is a wonderful way to view the world. I was sad having to write this post. I never thought I would be in this situation, especially after 33 years together. I'm not sure I could have survived everything thth I've gone through these last several years without my brother and T. I can honestly say their love and support have genuinely sasav my life.

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