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That post had me questioning who I was. At that time I wore so many hats, as most of us ladies do, I often felt I couldn't hold my head up for the weight of them all.
Three years later I find myself pondering that very same question, albeit for very different reasons.
Some of the situations I was dealing with then have come to natural conclusions, as they should. Some things have come to unnatural and unexpected conclusions. Those have very much left me feeling like the rug was pulled out from beneath me, through no fault of own. There was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened.
Reality is that I have a degenerative condition that is already severe. At some point I'll be facing a series of major surgeries that will only be minimally helpful. I'm also dealing with a slow healing injury that is going to leave me with severely limited use of my arm.
This affects every part of my life. I find myself wondering if I'll be able to meet Musicman's wants and needs. I wonder if I will be able to meet my own wants and needs. I wonder, at age 53, what do I want to do with the rest of my life. I wonder, with my physical issues, what can I do .
Mostly I wonder, who am I now.
Pain has a way of changing the vibe around us so we are perceived as someone differently. My believe is, you are still who you were at your core 3 years ago, it may just take some time getting used to how to project that out with the various physical limitations you now face, ( assuming of course you did come to a conclusion after that post).
ReplyDeleteI once had a friend tell me " I am not what happened to me- I am who I choose to be". A very brave statement, and one I struggle to remember at times if I am being honest.
Personally the anxiety and fear of what might be can have me paralyzed especially emotionally at times. I often do 3 minute meditations to reconnect with 'myself' when I feel this way. I am not going to pretend I can grasp the feelings you are dealing with at the moment, but perhaps it might help.
I hope you discover what you need to.
willie
Great advice Wilma. I have been trying meditation when things get emotionally overwhelming. I'm not very good at it, but I keep trying. Learning to deal with the constant physical pain and the dramatic changeso it has caused is quite challenging, but I'm trying.
DeleteI'm so sorry you are battling such severe medical conditions, that definitely must be so difficult to cope with. I agree with Willie,I think fundamentally you are the same person.
ReplyDeleteSending you huge (((hugs)))
Roz
Fundamentally I am the same person, but I'm no longer able to do most of the things I had been able to do. That's where my confusion stems from.
DeleteI am sorry that your are having to deal with such pain which will alter your life. I really like what Willie said about being who you choose to be. You will find a way to live your new reality, finding ways to cope and ease the pain and make adjustments that may be necessary. Underneath you will still be you. I wish you strength and offer hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Terps, the reality is I will never be able to return to my chosen profession or probably any other job. I continue to work with my doctors on pain control issues with varying success. I'm finding ways through trial and error how to make the necessary adjustments to get through my days. It's quite frustrating and often overwhelming, but I continue to try.
Delete