Firsts

Growing up we all experience firsts. First crush, first dance, first kiss, first love, first heart break. I've experienced all those things.

I had gotten to a point in my life where firsts seemed to be few and far between.  How wrong I was.

I had come home from a first vacation without Musicman. It was wonderful, relaxing and therapeutic. I  worked hard to put the past behind me and begin aknew.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Our son, who was still living with us, has rage issues. Often aimed at me.

I'll say it was ugly. I'll say it's the first time I ever let someone call me a "dumb fucking cunt"  walk away unharmed.  He owes that to Musicman.

I left. Another first for me.  I walked right the fuck out of there. Musicman was blowing up my phone. I didn't answer. Another first for me.

I went to M's.  She helped me calm down and eventually I went back home.  Musicman and I talked. The boy child/man, moved out.

But... my life seems to be filled with buts lately... everything I felt I had accomplished towards healing and moving forward was undone.

T and I are in constant contact. She needed and wanted my help.  So I did something else for the first time .  I left Musicman.

Yes, you read that right. I left him. I never thought that I would actually walk away from my husband and marriage, but there's a first time for everything.

I went to my brother and T.  I stayed 5 weeks.  I only came home because I had a  doctor appointment. I  have a lot of those lately.

I'm currently dealing with several major health issues and trying to keep my marriage from crumbling.

I sometimes doubt my strength.