Just some ramblings

Oh what a long, stressful, physically painful week it was. 4 doctor appointments in 2 days and paperwork coming out my ears. Getting older is definitely not for the weak. I've got a long way to go for resolution of all this, but I'm a step closer.

The great thing about it all is that Musicman has been more supportive than I thought he would or could be. I'm not totally sure what changed, but I've been working hard to make changes to myself and my reactions to things.

I've been working hard to be cognizant of how my physical pain influences my emotions and how my emotions drive my moods.

I'm trying hard to be aware of the negative thoughts that so easily creep in and cause me to spiral into the abyss and stop them before that happens. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to meditate again. I practiced yoga for years and the meditation portion of it was always very difficult for me. My mind just runs on so many tracks at once that quieting it is near to impossible, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to be more proactive about how I express myself and my frustrations to Musicman. For instance, he went with me to an appointment where I was going to be getting a steroid shot in my shoulder.  They only help minimally but better than nothing. Something happened at that appointment that upset me. He stepped up and not only did he calm and reassure me, but he spoke up to the medical staff and made sure I got what I needed.  I made sure to thank him and tell him how much I needed and appreciated it.

And, I finally asked for something I hate to ask for and haven't been sure I really wanted.

I was very frustrated one day after having to deal with some of the insurance companies and doctors. Instead of internalizing my frustrations and spiraling to a dark place, I texted Musicman. I honestly didn't think he'd hear it and would probably not find it for hours. 

Surprise, he did hear it, and responded positively. I had just said that I hoped he was having a better afternoon than I was, that I  was frustrated and could really use a good beating and fucked till I didn't remember my own name.

And later that evening, that's exactly what happened. It was kinda glorious and definitely relieved my stress.

I'm trying and though I continue to be frustrated with the paperwork, doctors and pain, I'm hopeful that Musicman and I might finally be turning towards each other again.