Trust

Trust is not something that comes easily for me. Growing up in a home rife with abuse will do that to a person.  I built walls so high and so thick no one was getting through.

I learned very young not to count on anyone but myself.  I didn't wait or look for anyone to come and save me. I saved myself. I spent 5 years alone, doing what I needed to do to survive and thrive.

Then Musicman burst into my life. He was a game changer. He didn't take no for an answer when he wanted something, and he wanted me.

It definitely took a while, but together we broke through the walls.  I learned to trust, I learned what being part of a large, loving family was like.  I felt like that was a true gift that Musicman gave me.

We've been together over 3 decades.  I had gotten to a place that felt safe and secure. I trusted him.  I can honestly say he's the only person in my life I have ever really truly trusted.

But, (there's always a but, isn't there),  in the last few years he's lied to me, hidden things from me, and in general broke my trust. So much so, that last summer I removed my collar. 

I miss it. I  miss what it represented to me. Trust.

Let me be clear,  he did NOT cheat.  He's never raised a hand to me in anger. 

He says the things he hid and lied about were minor, though he could give me no good reasons for this behavior, that I " should just get over it". 

Yeah, I'm working on that. A story for another day.