Friday, July 6, 2012

Triggers and Memories

I'm having a very domestic day, working through a few persistent memories that keep popping into my head lately. I'm almost done, the house fairly sparkles, but it's hot and I'm melting, so I'm taking a break.

As an abuse survivor, triggers are a part of my life, I've accepted that and have learned, for the most part, to deal with them. Ones that I know will cause me problems, I avoid if I can. Often though, I can't avoid them. Sometimes, it is more an accumulation of bits of information, gleaned from the news and from reading blogs.

These bits of information at some point reach critical level. It feels like a punch in the gut, twisting ever tighter, it can sometimes make me physically nauseous. That's about when the memories flood in. They overwhelm me, and often send me into a spiral of pain and doubt, darkness and self loathing.

One particularly persistent memory lately takes me back to the time period when I experienced very bad flashbacks. They would send me into a total animalistic panic. This occurred during the first few years we were together.  They always occurred during intimate moments and all I really remember is freaking out and fighting to get away. This memory has been poking at me for months, and I have been resistant to it. I don't want to remember those things.

I've been feeling stronger though lately, and I know I need to face this demon or I will never be able to put it to rest. I've started to allow this memory and to my surprise, it is not painful. It is not the memories that triggered those panic attacks that are coming back to me.

The memories coming back to me are of Musicman. Musicman restraining me with his body, holding my face in his hands. His voice, so low, steady and strong, whispering to me. His eyes, so close I can see his soul, I instinctually know it is a safe place to be.

I'm starting to remember more, I remember his hands gently stroking my face, wiping away the tears. The terror fades under his ministrations. Slowly, so he doesn't scare me, letting his hands roam a little further, brushing my hair back from my face as he lightly kisses the tip of my nose, and the lightest of brushes across my lips.  He maintains eye contact as much as possible, more then I am confortable with, but he insists I look at him. He insists that I see HIM. HE is the only one there with me, and HE will always be there with me. I'm safe.

He continues to move slowly, caressing a breast, then stroking down my belly, gently so he doesn't spook me, still maintaining eye contact and whispering words I don't remember. He slowly slides off my body, but he doesn't go far, I'm clinging to him like a drowning person to a life preserver. His mouth is right next to my ear, whispering softly, so softly. He never stops talking to me, keeping my focus on HIM.

His hand reaches between my legs to stroke and I start to panic, but he's whispering those words in my ear. I don't know what the words he kept whispering to me were. I just know they worked, they made me feel whatever it was I needed to feel to be okay. It's a feeling I can recall but can not express. I calm again, he touches me and this time I feel pleasure. I feel the kind of pleasure only he can give me.

He works me into an orgasmic frenzy with just a hand and his words, guiding me, away from the pain and the terror. Guiding me into a a whirlwind of physical and emotional release and surrender no other person ever has.

I see his face again, suddenly, looming above me, it's no longer his hand I feel between my legs. He enters me in one smooth motion and I know I'm home. He starts to move slowly, excruciatingly slowly, and I want more, I need more. I want to touch heaven and I know he can take me there. I am no longer a broken, passive, ball of pain. I move beneath him, answer him thrust for thrust, digging my feet into his back, urging him to go faster. Please, give me more, I need more.

He sets the pace, only picking up speed when he is ready. He holds my face again between his hands, demanding that I look at him as he spills his seed so deep. There is no doubt I belong to him. I see that fact in his eyes.



I just found this posted on facebook and it seemed appropriate for this post.




27 comments:

  1. He's been there for you in those moments you need him the most - that's certainly a memory worth embracing!

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    1. Yes, it is, this time I'm glad the memory came back. That isn't usually the case :)

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  2. its beautiful how Musicman helped to guide you away from the nasty memories. It is said that a person cannot forget memories - only make new ones. and it sounds like he's managed to do just that for you.

    Hugs

    -FA

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    1. He does make a very good knight in shining armor to rescue the damsel in distress, lol.

      I'll be sure and check out your post soon.

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  3. Nice Facebook posting that you shared and so true. May you and Musicman make some wonderful NEW memories over the weekend! You can be strong and lean on him, too.

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  4. What a guy huh :) That fb post speaks loudly too doesn't it. You and musicman have made/are making lots and lots of wonderful memories :)

    Dee x

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    1. As soon as I saw that posting on FB, literally minutes after I posted here, I knew I had to add it. So apropos!!!!

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  5. I have some memories I try to avoid thinking about, but when DH and I first started dating, I would remember in the middle of lovemaking, and wouldn't be able to get out of it. He didn't know what to do either, but it sounds like musikman got your number, and knows how to take away your thoughts to something much more pleasant. :D

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    1. I had literally forgotten all the details, good and bad of those incidents. I am very happy that I am remembering this one. It makes me smile :D

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  6. It takes a special man to guide you through the pain and bring you out safely on the other side. And it must have taken a wonderful woman to attract such a man. You two are very lucky.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Yes, we are very lucky, thanks :)

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  7. Your post has me crying hon. I've been in that same spot and am lucky as you are to have someone to bring me back to a safe spot. *hugs* I'm glad that you are working through that and feeling stronger. I haven't erased the flashbacks but believe or not since I started ttwd I've noticed a HUGE improvement on what used to trigger me. Thank you for posting this. It gives me hope that I will get there too. (Just another reason why I love your blog - and happy that you and music man found each other)

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    1. I'm so sorry I made you cry. I almost didn't post it after I finished writing it. For once though the memory that came back has a happy ending. That's why I posted it.

      I accepted a long time ago that there will always be triggers, that, I can't control. It's how we handle them, that, we have the ability to control. For me, that is always changing and evolving.

      I'm sorry to hear you have similar experiences, but I'm very glad to hear that your Hubby helps you too. Musicman has been the key for me in making as much progress as I have :D

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  8. I love this post. I just can not stop crying. so beautiful, so honest, so pure. I pray everyday that I find a man like your's.

    love

    P

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    1. Welcome P, and thank you. As I said above, I almost didn't post it, but it had such a happy ending that I did.

      I hope you find a man some day that is just as perfect for you as Musicman is for me :)

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  9. He really is amazing! the natural instinct that helps him key into your needs. You are lucky. His natural responses may help another partner be as sensitive to their partners needs!
    Minelle

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    1. Until now I was never able remember any detail from those events, and I always wondered what happened. It wasn't something that we talked about much aftwerwards, at least not that I remember. I just have always been in awe of what ever he did during them, cause I always survived them and eventually they did stop.

      I never really think much about helping someone when I post, I do it because it helps me. Just today though, I noticed a search term for "flashbacks during intimacy." Maybe this did help them :)

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  10. Beautiful post, faerie. I've been amazed and delighted at the way some Dom's are able to help their partner through this healing journey.

    I admire the strength it took to choose to let this memory emerge, not knowing what feelings it would carry. I'm glad these were such pleasant ones to reclaim. :-)

    Namaste.

    aisha

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    1. Thanks aisha, it was an overwhelmingly wonderful surprise for me to find a pleasant memory poking through. That is often not the case.

      I have always been in awe of the fact that my husband seemed to know exactly what to do to help me. Even when I couldn't remember what he did. How does anyone know what to do in those instances?

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  11. The great thing is that your post helps others who have had to deal with similar issues. It is good that you are able to share your thoughts and experiences and that things are going well for you.

    FD

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    1. I don't usually think about helping others with my posts. This time, with it being such a positive experience, I did think about it. I hope it does help someone, or at least give them hope of better things.

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  12. A lovely, beautiful, awe-inspiring post, faerie. Thank you.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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