Sunday, September 28, 2014

Caught in His Web


Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
objectification,
slave,
orgasm denial,

yes,
yes,
yes.

"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.






19 comments:

  1. Conundrums suck!

    I hope writing it out, even if you feel it doesn't make sense, as given you some clarity.

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    1. Yes they do! Maybe a little bit of clarity has been achieved, but as usual for me, the clarity leads to more questions. I think that me what is called growth?!

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  2. You described the conundrum very well. Good luck in coping with it.

    FD

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    1. Thanks FD. I definitely still have a very long way to go in working things through. Oh well, that's what life is all about isn't it? Learning and growth?

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  3. I've been working on this very same thought and I almost have a post ready to go on it, but then I keep changing things, because it is a conundrum. But also very real. Thanks for giving me even more to ponder, she says wryly. :)

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    1. Your welcome, lol. Looking forward to your post, maybe it will help me see things in a more enlightened way.

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  4. Replies
    1. Life seems to be full of them doesn't it?

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  5. A conundrum, yes. Bad, NO.

    Faerie, you are among many who crave the same things you do. And you wouldn't think for a minute that any of us were defective or wrong! You are not an oddity, you and your love of for your Musicman....are beautiful!!!

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Thanks Pearl. It's not that I feel odd, perhaps a bit off on occasion though.

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  6. Faerie, I hope writing it out had helped you try and make some sense if it. I'm with Pearl :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Writing it out helped me identify the issue, as for finding a good solution, not really. But that's okay, I'll keep working on it.

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  7. earlier this year I suddenly realised that I might just be a bit of an emotional masochist as well just liking pysical pain, that I actually am a bit addicted to those 'bad' feelings, and tend to wallow in them. Just that realisation has made things so much easier, and has me managing it all so much better.

    Not saying for a minute that it's necessarily the same case for you, but that is what the beginnings of this post made me think of xx

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    1. I'm definitely not an emotional masochist. I hate feeling like this and work very hard to not wallow in it. I would say, for me, it's frustration I feel more than anything because I can't always figure out what exactly it is that is causing the problem. If I don't what the problem is, I can't fix it. I'm all about fixing things.

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  8. Replies
    1. Thanks, I'm sure I will eventually, then something else will present itself that needs to be unraveled.

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  9. I don't know if it's the same for you, but my mindset needs to be just right to be able to enjoy being objectified, used, and denied. I am one of those crazily mysterious creatures (ya know, a woman) that can be of two minds about lots of things, sometimes at once! Good luck with figuring out how you feel and why. WAY easier said than done :)

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    1. Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. It is about the mindset, but how do I control that?

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