Friday, March 30, 2018


It's been a long exhausting week.  I've come here many times to write, but can't seem to make the thoughts come together.  I've had this post sitting in my draft folder for years, literally.  It resonated with me then and even more now. Wish I could take credit for the content but I'm not that talented.  I hope you enjoy it and hopefully the brain fog will lift soon.

The struggle is passing - as you allow it to move,
As you release what could have been and what was.
When you soften that resistance and pause for a moment,
All...owing those tears to fall - allowing that anger to rise.

For these moments are intense - they are large waves crashing down,
Admit you are struggling as you roll on the ground.
Give up if you have to - wipe your hands of it all.
Then something will shift - you hear a sweet call.

This call echoes deeply in this heart of yours,
Your soul steps forward with its comfort and care.
The deepest surrender, of letting go is here,
Know you are ready and that you will not feel this way forever.

The reason for this feeling is not something you may understand,
Find some peace with this - and trust everything is how it needs to be.
You cleanse, you purify, you surrender it now,
Dropping all baggage, allow it to fall.

You lay there now - still on the ground,
Your eyes hurt from crying - you are numb from it all.
Suddenly you hear the call of your soul,
You open your eyes and your heart cracks open with light.

Breathing deeply you surrender the rest of this now,
You understand that there is purpose to this past situation.
Standing up now - you rise in your power,
Feeling more alert, aware and stand as tall as a tower.

Take one step at a time - dear gentle soul,
Please know you aren't doing this alone at all.
Many are awakening - many are surrendering,
Walk when you're ready - dance when you're stable.

There is no rush - as time pauses for you,
Breathe deeply and feel each moment unfold.
For you are called into gentle action - based on your truth,
A simple BEing, in this moment, from your heart.

Sending you much HONOUR from my heart to yours,
I know you will move through this time,
Move at your pace, allow love inside,
A deep LOVE and RESPECT for you on your ride.

What has happened to you has a reason you may be yet to understand - and this is ok.
Deep LOVE from my HEART as I journey with you all,

 ~ Lee-Anne Peters ~
Temple of Balance

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Salvaging and Rebuilding

I'm quickly getting to the 11 month mark of my injury and 6 months since the diagnosis of the degenerative condition in my spine.  Most of that time has been spent negotiating the labyrinth that is our healthcare and insurance system.

My shoulder isn't even close to being healed, the Dr said, " it's going to take a long, long, long time to heal."  The possibility of surgery at some point is still on the table.  The fact that I will most likely never regain full functional use of it is a sad reality, but one I'm beginning to accept.  As for my spinal condition, at some point surgeries, yes, multiple, will be needed.  I'm not even considering doing that yet.  I manage the pain, though I never have a pain free day.

I won't go into the boring details of how all the benefits worked out. Let's just say some were good, some were not so good, and some have yet to be decided.  There's nothing left for me to do now but wait.

This leaves us in somewhat of a precarious position and unfortunately causes Musicman a lot of stress.  That makes me feel sad and sometimes guilty.  Though I know I have no reason to feel guilty.  I'm working on letting that go.

It leaves me in a position of having to salvage what I can and rebuild what I can't. So that's what I'm attempting to do.  It's slow going.  I have a bad habit of over doing things on my good days, that often triggers the bad days.  But I am beginning to see where I want us to go as a couple and what I can do to get us there.  I've accepted the fact that it's going to be a long, slow road, but, I'm claiming that as a win.

Friday, March 16, 2018

A's to Q's terpsichore edition

The lovely Terpsichore asked, if you could look to the future, what would you hope to see happening in your life five years in the future?

Great question. Very timely question for me at this point in my life.  As I've thought on this question, I realized that to truly answer it, a little back story is needed.

Almost 2 decades ago Musicman and I bought our first home. Our kids were young. The house we picked, and ultimately bought, was a house ideal for raising a family in, for making a home. So that's what we did.

It had a huge, old pool. We were young, we could rehab it, make a wonderfully private sanctuary.  Despite the fact that we live in a city, our pool was situated in a way that made it totally private .  We did that.

The first thing Musicman did was put locks on the  gate, on both sides. We bought a swing that laid down flat.  Yep, I  had a swinging bed next to my pool.

We spent many nights out by, and in that pool, on that swing, and plenty of afternoons.  So many wonderful memories, both family time, and adult. 😆

We spent so much time sitting on that swing, talking about our future.  This house, was never meant to be our forever home. It was where we were gonna raise our kids, then move on. That was the plan. That was always the plan, in detail, sitting on that swing.

Let's just say, life didn't go as planned.

We wore out 2 swings. A pool wall caved in last year. It hadn't been being used anyway, despite the houseful of people living here at the time. I haven't gone back to the pool area in a few years. I know it's dilapidated and overgrown.

So, I guess the actual answer to Terpsichore's question is.

I  don't  know  .

I had a plan, but life didn't go as planned.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A's to Q's part 2

Let's answer some more questions.

Olivia  asked, when did I  first realize I was into spanking or kink? How did I discover it?
I started reading very young and first encountered kink in books, I was hooked.  My first real experience with kink was with high school sweetheart. His parents were quite sex positive and very kinky. He was mostly into bondage and sex in risky places, though spanking did occasionally occur.

PK  asked, what is a wish I have for myself that could really come true? Something for myself not my family. 
Thinking about this really made me realize that it's been a long time since I did something just for myself, something I'm working on changing.  In that vein, I have a couple things to answer this question.  I really want to get a dog. I'm actively working on that.  I'm also actively planning my next solo vacation to visit my brother and T. It's balm to my soul to spend time with them.  Long range, T and I are planning a girls only get away to somewhere tropical.

Fondles  asked, if I could visit any decade in history, which would it be?
This is a question I've thought about off and on for most of my life. I'm not a history buff so nothing deep here. I have always wanted to visit the 1960's.  I was born in the fall of 64, so technically I did live in the 60's, but I've always wished I was older.  I'm slightly obsessed with Woodstock and wouldn't have missed it for anything. Though no brown acid for me. I would also have spent some time in Haight-Ashbury.  Being a flower child in the time of  peace and free love is something I wish I  had the chance to experience.

Lindy asked, if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? What's one thing you always pack whilst traveling?
Honestly, if I could live anywhere, it would be somewhere tropical. I'm a hot house flower stuck in one of the snowiest cities in the country.  If I never saw snow again in my life I'd be a very happy girl.  Technically there are 3 things I always have with me when I travel. My body pillow, my ladybug pillow and my Tinkerbelle pillow. Can ya tell I have a thing for pillows?

Terpsichore asked, if you  could  look to the future, what would you hope to see happening in your life five years in the future?  I  will be  answering this question in a separate post. I actually have much to say about this, just need the thoughts to coalesce into something understandable.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Sometimes I just need to take a breathe

Sometimes I  just need to take a breath.

I just need to take a  step back  from  being the responsible one.

I'm  tired, I'm ÃŽn pain.

I'll be getting back to answering  questions soon.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

A's to Q's, part 1

I so appreciate the questions my blogger friends have asked. I'll take inspiration to write anywhere I can get it  😆.

Roz asked: what is my favorite movie? Favorite childhood memory? Favorite implement?

I have 2 favorite movies, Fantasia and Epic. They are both animated musicals.  I absolutely love animated movies, they make the little hidden deep inside me very happy. While I rarely acknowledge my little, to the point I've never even mentioned her to Musicman, this is one way I indulge her. And while Musicman isn't so interested in the animated movies, he knows how much I enjoy them.  He doesn't question or ridicule, he just watches them with me.

So, favorite implement? Hmmm...I like them all. If I had to pick a favorite, I can narrow it down to 2. I love our flogger. I made it myself many years ago. It's a lovely soft suede with a suede yarn wrapped handle. Depending on how Musicman wields it, it can be soft and soothing, or produce a nice thud and even  quite the sting. I used some of the same suede to cover one side of the magic paddle. That's about a 1/2" wooden paddle that Musicman made shortly after I made the flogger. While I do like the magic paddle, I picked something else for my other favorite.

My other favorite implement is a pair of vibrating nipple clamps. I should explain that Musicman quite enjoys forced orgasms, the more the better is his opinion. This is where the vibrating nipple clamps come into play. He's never used them north of the border so to speak. I highly recommend them.

I saved the hardest question for last, my favorite childhood memory.  Some of you who read when I wrote before probably already know I grew up in a very abusive home.  I won't go into all the details again, but I will say, I'm an incest survivor. The assaults occurred on a very regular basis from the time I was very young, toddler age, until several years after I hit puberty. 

Having said that, I do have a favorite childhood memory. I was 17, I'd just graduated from high school. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. He was going to college 900 miles away from where we lived. I went with him, though I wasn't going to school. His mom, dad and brother made the road trip with us to get him settled at school.  They got him all settled in, then he left for  a week long orientation camping trip. His family left the same day to go home. 

I found myself in a city where I knew no one. I had no job and no place to live. I did have my boyfriend's car, until he got back, a suitcase full of clothes and $2000.00 dollars in my pocket. I should have been panicked and scared, but I wasn't. That was 36 years ago and I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I felt joy for the first time in my life. Joy that I had survived, joy that I escaped.  Joy that my abusers could no longer hurt me.  I was finally free.  Probably not what you were expecting. Definitely not a "typical" childhood memory, but still one of the best days of my life.

Monday, March 5, 2018

Dipping our toes into TTWD and Q&A month

We're slowly starting to dip our toes back into TTWD.

He voiced some very valid concerns about causing me the not so good kind of pain due to my current physical condition. 

Strategically placed pillows to the rescue. Takes a little of the spontaneity out of things, but I'll work with that.

The magic paddle has not lost any of its magic and hopefully I'll get more time with it and some of our other toys soon.  I admit I have missed them and the stress relief is desperately needed .

It's March and here in blogland that means question and answer month. Since I primarily  write for myself  I kinda already put it all out there, so not sure if there's  anything to ask, but  feel free. I'm  more than happy to answer.

In that vein, I  have a question of my own. There are quite a few new bloggers, but  I'm  not having much luck following them. Not sure what I'm doing wrong or if it makes a difference that I use a tablet instead of an actual computer. Any suggestions or ideas are greatly appreciated.

Friday, March 2, 2018

I wonder

I've been reading some of my older posts lately, the ones from 3 years ago before the winds blew me away. One in particular resonates with me, the last one I wrote before I flew away, "Progress Sucks Sometimes."  (I tried to add a link, but I'm not that tech savy)

That post had me questioning who I was. At that time I wore so many hats, as most of us ladies do, I often felt I couldn't hold my head up for the weight of them all.

Three years later I find myself pondering that very same question, albeit for very different reasons.

Some of the situations I was dealing with then have come to natural conclusions, as they should. Some  things have come to unnatural and unexpected conclusions. Those have very much left me feeling like the rug was pulled out from beneath me, through no fault of  own. There was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened.

Reality is that I have a degenerative condition that is already severe.  At some point I'll be facing a series of major surgeries that will only be minimally helpful.   I'm also dealing with a slow healing injury that is going to leave me with severely limited use of my arm.

This affects every part of my life.  I find myself wondering if I'll be able to meet Musicman's wants and needs.  I wonder if I will be able to meet my own wants and needs. I wonder, at age 53, what do I want to do with the rest of my life.  I  wonder, with my physical issues, what can I do .

Mostly I wonder, who am I now.