Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dropping Through Space

I'm not even sure how to start this post. It's taken me over 48 hours to process everything and figure out exactly what happened. I had thought we were going to have a nice fire Saturday evening, maybe cross the garage off our list of rooms. That's not what happened.

What did happen was subspace. I love that place. I've learned a few things about subspace. I've learned I can't anticipate it or chase it, if I do it doesn't happen. I've learned to relax and just let it envelope me. I've learned the more I achieve it the easier it becomes to achieve it. I achieved it when we played Friday night with the magic paddle. I've learned that most Mondays, after a full weekend of play, sub drop is a definite possibility. I recognize that and have learned what to do to deal with it with some success.

What I didn't know is that at some point subspace can be achieved without pain. I didn't expect that, or the resultant sub drop that occurred almost immediately afterwards. It threw me for a bit of a loop, left me confused and cranky and wondering what the heck was going on.

It all started Saturday night, Musicman did something I didn't really expect, something usually I can't tolerate and squirm away from. Usually when I start to squirm away from him he backs off. This time though, when I started to squirm, he didn't back off. Instead, he clapped a hand on my thigh and firmly held me in place as he increased the intensity.

I was starting to panic, but the minute he clamped his hand on me, was like a brand on my soul. My mind flooded with millions of thoughts in an instant. Thoughts of fighting it, thoughts of I have to get away, I can't handle this intensity.  But, my body instinctually accepted what my mind hadn't conceived of yet. I barrelled right into subspace, and it was intense. More intense then it's ever been before.

For me subspace is a world of juxtapositions. It's cozy and comforting and lazy free wheeling through the clouds. Flying free of my body, all alone in the quietness. It's stark white, almost a total abscence of color. It's crisp and sharp, emotions swirling and bursting in the most vibrant of hues. I'm never alone there, he's always right there with me. Anchoring me, guiding me, pushing me higher and higher. Catching all the pieces as I explode over and over with every peak reached. It's confusing, but for some reason I can't explain, I don't try to understand it, I just accept it and revel in it.

I don't know how long he kept me there that night, but it seemed like forever. It seemed like I was never coming back to earth, or my body. My body, which was totally in his control at that moment, his to do whatever he wanted with. Good thing he reads me so well, cause if he had kept me there much longer I think I would have passed out. The intensity of what he was doing is something I can't remember ever experiencing before.

When he stopped, he curled me up in his arms, rubbing my back, waiting for me to calm some. For my part, I clung to him for dear life, wanting and needing to be closer to him. If I could have figured out how to climb in his skin with him I would have. Since I couldn't I just laid there, on his chest, purring. Yes, I said purring. Musicman thinks it's funny when I do that, make that sound that seems to be a purr. I can't help it, it just kind of happens. Breathing isn't enough, but nothing else is possible, so it comes out sounding like a cat purring.

He continued to hold me and rub my back, talking quietly, soothing me, until the purring subsided. Then it was on to bigger and better for things for him. I needed no coercing to do as he asked, at that point I would have done anything he told me to do without question. Kinda a scary thought that, but I trust him, so I'm not too worried about that.

Both satisfied, he soon fell asleep, and I was well on my way to sleeping too. Then it hit me, I became very anxious and afraid, confusion overwhelmed me. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't like it. I did eventually fall asleep, but I slept badly and woke in a foul mood. It did occur to me that I was experiencing sub drop, but I wasn't really able to verbalize that. Instead, I snapped at him every time he asked me a question.

I was able to say that I just couldn't answer his questions or make any decisions at that time. Though I couldn't really explain why, it just seemed beyond my abilities at that time. These were not life shattering questions or decisions and should have been quite easy for me, but it wasn't happening. I was very relieved and started to calm when he stepped in and made the decisions.

We had a quiet day in the counrtyside, enjoying the sunshine and the warmth of the dwindling summer. It also featured a nap for me later in the afternoon. That alone is an indication of how out of it I was. Despite the fact that I often sleep poorly, I never nap.

I learned one last thing about subspace and sub drop this weekend. I learned taking me back to subspace effectively rids me of subdrop. He did that by way of the leather paddle Sunday evening.  We played in the living room so another room crossed off the list.









33 comments:

  1. You tell such a beautiful story. I have never truly experienced subspace but you painted the picture so vividly I can imagine what it would be like to totally surrender and lose yourself to the moment. That connection must be an amazing feeling. I can understand how afterwards there might be a feeling of loss and confusion being forced back into reality. I am glad you were able to return to subspace to relieve the drop. Thank-you for sharing. Hugs, Terps

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    1. Thank you Terpsichore, I hope someday you get to experience it, it's awesome :) It's complicated and confusing too, but I'll take that to get awesome, lol.

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  2. Wow, that sounds super intense! Glad that you have such a strong anchor to help you get there and to see you through to the other side.

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    1. Having him as the anchor is what makes me able to fly so high :)

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  3. Purring! That must be a fairy thing.
    Never before heard of this Sub-drop, it sounds almost like having a hangover.
    After reading your post, a feeling of "I want what she is having", keeps hanging around.

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    1. It sorta feels like a hangover. I'll learn to live with the hangover though, cause anything that makes me purr like that is something I'm gonna do again :) And again, and again, and again... Heeheeheee.

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  4. Very intense. Glad MM was able to anchor you or you may have taken fairy flight and never returned.

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    1. He better be there to anchor me, he's the one that sends me there :)

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  5. You have a such a nice way of describing something this intense. I don't think I can write like that. It sounds just wonderful, and just to make you feel less alone, I purr too, after an especially amazing encounter, when I want to crawl inside of him, and have to settle for being close to him, when he strokes my back.

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    1. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that purrs, and that I'm not the only one that has a reason to purr. I'm glad you enjoyed the post :)

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  6. It is different for everyone, I think, how you want to term subspace/subdrop but handling both sides of that equation can be tricky and take some careful navigating :o)
    Pretty post, faerie.

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    1. I'm sure subspace/subdrop is as individual as the people involved. I think that probably contributes to the mystique of it. I find it very difficult to adequately explain, and even if I could it might not be that way for someone else. I think the only reason I do try to explain it is to understand and navigate it better :)

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  7. I've never been to subspace but I hope to go one day. I'll have to keep what you learned about not chasing it in mind. I'm not so much liking the idea of subdrop though. It kind of reminds me of what used to happen to me the day after really good sex where I would find myself in a completely foul mood. Hmmm... I wonder if it all works with the same hormones?

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    1. I'd say it probably is the same hormones involved as you describe. It's like that...only more. I love subspace and will keep learning how to deal with subdrop to get it :) Not chasing it is about the only concrete thing I can say about it at this point. That's been the hardest thing for me to learn so far.

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  8. It sounds both wonderful and frightening. The one thing that seems to be extremely vital is that you trust who is there. Good thing MM is perfect at reading you.

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    1. I can see how it would seem frightening, but when it happens it's not frightening at all. It's pure bliss infusing energy, totally wonderful. For me, without a high level of trust I don't think it would happen. I wouldn't say MM is perfect at reading me. He is very, very good, with moments of perfection :)

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  9. It does sound lovely. I hope to get there someday.

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    1. I hope you do too :) It's AWESOME :)

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  10. Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Your welcome, I happy you enjoyed it :)

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  11. Thaks for sharing, its interesting that going back to subspace helped to relieve the drop. I will have to keep that in mind since as you know the drop really can be bad at times. It's nice that you two figured that out.

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    1. Yeah, I hate when I come down hard. But, since I'm not about to give up subspace whenever I can get it, I will keep looking for ways to deal with the downsides. I hope if its needed and you give it a try it works for you :)

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  12. Deep subdrop can be a scary thing, certainly. I'm glad you two found a remedy for it. And oh my goodness, do I love sensory-overload subspace, whether causing or experiencing. Congrats on hitting it full speed!

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. Why am I not surprised you have experienced this? You coulda clued a girl in ya know? LOL

      Of course, maybe you have written about this and I have just missed it. In that case...my bad :)

      I'm glad we found a remedy too, I really don't care for that part of it :(

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  13. It's the beat of the heart
    It's the shot of a gun
    It's the brand on the soul

    Beautiful, angel

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  14. That's so beautiful, are they lyrics to a song? If they are would you mind telling me what song? I'm woefully musically challenged, lol.

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    1. Yes the first two lines are from Grace Potter and the Nocturnals' "Ah Mary". Then I put your beautiful phrase in. Which they should have thought of :)

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  15. How spooky huh :) don't know why, but I'm finally able to comment here :))
    Sounds an amazing experience faerie. Go have a look at Bobsroom, he has a post up about subspace today.
    Nice to see you again lol

    Dee x

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    1. Ummm...wow...talk about being in the spotlight...

      Hmmmm...spotlights might be kinda fun, heeheeheee :)

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  16. Congrats on crossing off the living room! I'm going to share this post with Joy so she can see your experience.

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    1. Thanks Jake, I'd love to hear more about Joy's experience with subspace. I'd also like to hear your take on it. If you care to share :)

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