Sunday, September 30, 2012

Quite a Ride

I haven't been much in the mood for writing. When the thoughts swirl, the fingers go idle. That's probably a good thing. I subject the world to enough drivel, so when the fingers can't keep up with the thoughts, it's time to stop.

I could blame it on the hormones, or the full moon. I could blame it on the change of seasons. I'm a barefoot in the grass, sundress kinda girl. I much prefer ankle chains to socks, but sometimes life requires socks. So, at some point, I accept that it is what it is and breathe through it. That's what I've been doing.

I find that along with the socks, comes introspection, as well as a bit of melancholy. It's a reflective time of year for me. A time to look back, re-evaluate and plan for the next steps forward. It seems like spring would be better suited for that, but it doesn't work that way for me.

October is my time of birth, and subsequently seems like a time of rebirth for me also. It's also the month I started this blog. My place of refuge, my place of connection, my place of truth and understanding. It's been a dizzying ride so far, but I'm not ready to get off it yet.

I started this journey, not to find my submission, but, to find me. I don't know that I ever really have known me. Me, was someone that struggled from the beginning to survive. Me, was a woman who saw little in the way of choices, for a long time. Me, was someone who, miraculously, was given a second chance. A chance to do more then survive, I was given a chance to thrive.

I did thrive, for quite awhile. I worked hard, I played hard, I loved even harder. I made a wonderful, fulfilling life for myself, even though I still sometimes felt like I had little in the way of choices. I felt that I was making the best of the choices I did have. I still feel that way, like I made the best of choices, until I started to make bad choices.

I made bad choices because I no longer cared. I no longer cared about me, I no longer made the effort to seek out the choices. I accepted what was presented and I dealt with it as best I could. Until, I could no longer deal with my situation. A situation I put myself in by not seeing that I had choices.

I crashed and burned. There wasn't enough of me left to put back together, so, I started over. I looked for answers, I asked questions, I searched for me. I've begun to find me, but I rarely understand myself anymore. So I will continue to ask questions and look for the answers. The answers that will tell me who I am.

I've been following all the bloggers that have been doing the 30 days of submission questions. I've rarely commented, because they have touched me so deeply that any comment I might attempt to make would be a post in itself. Instead, I've read, I've absorbed, I've learned and grown.

Now it's my turn, my time to ask myself the hard questions. I'm hoping it will bring me understanding and acceptance. Understanding of myself. Acceptance of myself. Who, as a woman in today's world, am I? What is it that I really want? Can I really achieve true happiness again?  Can I sustain it and what does that look like?  Is it submission? What does that mean to me?

I don't currently know the answers to these questions, but I'm gonna give it my best effort. I hope understanding and acceptance follow. It should be quite the ride.


15 comments:

  1. I will be holding the space for you as you search for answers...

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    1. Thanks Renee Rose, I may need a place to recover when I'm done, lol :)

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  2. Introspection is good and I wish you the best as you find your answers, Faerie. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks SNP, this time of year always does this to me, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I hope this won't be either.

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  3. happy birthday, and may this be a meaningful time of rebirth and rejuvenation!

    hugs

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    1. Thanks Fondles, I may not learn anything new about myself, but the review will be good for me. Maybe bring some clarity to the situation :)

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  4. Happy Birthday Month... Hope that you feel like celebrating every single day. May you feel rejuvenated and blessed. God Bless You, Belle L.

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    1. Thanks Belle, maybe it's getting older that sparks the introspection, that drive to make sure I'm everything I want to be. I like the idea of celebrating everyday :)

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  5. Birthdays are also a time of retrospection for m. And I am not sure "drivel" is the right term... perhaps something more like beautiful, wonderful thoughts that I skip over to read at every opportunity. Or something like that. :)

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    1. Thanks for the kind comment Kitty, I don't think all my thoughts are beautiful and wonderful, but hopefully those are the prevalent ones :)

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  6. Happy Birthday faerie. I am so glad you are not ready to stop wriitng just yet. I hope this month brings you peace and happiness

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    1. Thanks DB, I've benefited so much from having a place to get my thoughts out, I'm not sure when I will be ready for that to stop. I'm glad you enjoy reading them, even the crazy ones, lol.

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  7. Happy Birthday month!! Birthdays are usually the time I reflect as well. I hope you find the answers you are looking for, though, from what I've found personally, it can take much time!

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    1. Birthdays do seem to be a natural time for introspection, don't they? It's nice to see you out and around. I hope evrything is going well with you and the family :)

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  8. Seeking answers to life's questions seems fitting at this time of year when change is naturally occuring and the cold air starts to inspire curling up on the couch under blankets, perfect time for self reflection. Birthdays, of course, inspire this too. Happy birthday.

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