I haven't been much in the mood for writing. When the thoughts swirl, the fingers go idle. That's probably a good thing. I subject the world to enough drivel, so when the fingers can't keep up with the thoughts, it's time to stop.
I could blame it on the hormones, or the full moon. I could blame it on the change of seasons. I'm a barefoot in the grass, sundress kinda girl. I much prefer ankle chains to socks, but sometimes life requires socks. So, at some point, I accept that it is what it is and breathe through it. That's what I've been doing.
I find that along with the socks, comes introspection, as well as a bit of melancholy. It's a reflective time of year for me. A time to look back, re-evaluate and plan for the next steps forward. It seems like spring would be better suited for that, but it doesn't work that way for me.
October is my time of birth, and subsequently seems like a time of rebirth for me also. It's also the month I started this blog. My place of refuge, my place of connection, my place of truth and understanding. It's been a dizzying ride so far, but I'm not ready to get off it yet.
I started this journey, not to find my submission, but, to find me. I don't know that I ever really have known me. Me, was someone that struggled from the beginning to survive. Me, was a woman who saw little in the way of choices, for a long time. Me, was someone who, miraculously, was given a second chance. A chance to do more then survive, I was given a chance to thrive.
I did thrive, for quite awhile. I worked hard, I played hard, I loved even harder. I made a wonderful, fulfilling life for myself, even though I still sometimes felt like I had little in the way of choices. I felt that I was making the best of the choices I did have. I still feel that way, like I made the best of choices, until I started to make bad choices.
I made bad choices because I no longer cared. I no longer cared about me, I no longer made the effort to seek out the choices. I accepted what was presented and I dealt with it as best I could. Until, I could no longer deal with my situation. A situation I put myself in by not seeing that I had choices.
I crashed and burned. There wasn't enough of me left to put back together, so, I started over. I looked for answers, I asked questions, I searched for me. I've begun to find me, but I rarely understand myself anymore. So I will continue to ask questions and look for the answers. The answers that will tell me who I am.
I've been following all the bloggers that have been doing the 30 days of submission questions. I've rarely commented, because they have touched me so deeply that any comment I might attempt to make would be a post in itself. Instead, I've read, I've absorbed, I've learned and grown.
Now it's my turn, my time to ask myself the hard questions. I'm hoping it will bring me understanding and acceptance. Understanding of myself. Acceptance of myself. Who, as a woman in today's world, am I? What is it that I really want? Can I really achieve true happiness again? Can I sustain it and what does that look like? Is it submission? What does that mean to me?
I don't currently know the answers to these questions, but I'm gonna give it my best effort. I hope understanding and acceptance follow. It should be quite the ride.