Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On an Even Keel

It isn't hard to be kind, so why not start a ripple this morning?

Thank you all for the kind words and support on my last post. I haven't had a meltdown that bad in quite a while, which in and of itself is progress for me.

I have a tendency to dwell too much on the episodes afterwards to try and figure out what went wrong so I don't repeat it. I've learned over the last few years that doing that is not necessarily good for me, it can drag me right back into the miasma of pain and darkness.

I believe that is one reason this one was so bad, it started early in the week, but I ignored it. I tried to write, but it all came out too raw and painful to post. It's not that I haven't posted such things before, but this time I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the right words, couldn't really articulate what was going on.

When I write, I write for myself, but I am always aware that Musicman reads every post. I didn't want my confusion to hurt him or to cause damage that could not be repaired. Taking some time before I posted anything helped me to write a bit more objectively about what happened. I have a very bad habit of blaming Musicman for everything when these episodes happen.

When I am stuck in the depths of these episodes I feel a deep rage. I lash out and often say terrible things that in rational moments I do not mean. It's not pleasant for either one of us when I do that. I certainly do not want to commit them to paper and put them out there for everyone to read, that would be very unfair of me to do.

Musicman did read that post and did ask me about it, but I haven't really been able to say much more then I already have. I did learn some things, but I don't have the words to explain what exactly that would be. Maybe with time that will change.

We did have a wonderful session with the magic paddle on Friday night. That in itself helped me get back on an even keel. I know Musicman doesn't understand why that helps, heck I don't understand it myself, but it does. Even though he doesn't understand it, he knows that is what I need and he is usually quite willing to give it to me.

We also had a lovely session with the leather strap on Sunday. I think we both would have liked some playtime on Saturday too, but time and opportunity did not present itself since we do have a teenager in the house. One of the things I have realized about these episodes, is that after, I need more pain then I usually do. I don't know that I have ever told him that.

So, even though we have connected twice in three days, I could really use some more. Then again, I'm almost always willing to go for more. Some time and energy for an extended session without having to worry about the boychild coming home is what I'm hoping for now. It may take awhile for that to happen, so I will just breathe and enjoy what time we do get.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Opening Pandora's Box

I've started and deleted this post so many times that I could have had a month of posts had I finished any one of them. Too say I have managed to confuse myself would be an understatement.

I'm the kind of woman that isn't satisfied living within my comfort zone for too long. I never want to stagnate. I never want to accept that good enough, is okay. Yep, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, but I prefer to think of it as being a very curious soul. I like to explore and experience new things. I want to break through the barriers I perceive as existing in my life.

I think this trait has been instrumental in the progress I've made over the years dealing with the abuse I grew up with. I'm just never able to accept that I can't handle something. For some reason, I always feel I have something to prove, if only to myself. So, I set out to prove I could do something that in the past has been difficult for me to do.

I thought I was ready to take the next step. I thought I knew what that step looked like. Turns out I was very, very wrong. Anything that leaves me curled into a fetal position and crying, isn't right. I have no one to blame but myself. I initiated things. I asked and expected, nothing of him in return. That's what I wanted, to serve him. What actually happened was, I triggered something in myself that I still can't deal with.

That pisses me off, for so many reasons. I don't like the way this feels, but I don't exactly know what it is, so I can't fix it. I don't like the fact that feeling this way is going to limit me, prevent me from taking the next step. Since I can't quite articulate the problem, I can't ask for help. I'm not happy about that either.

Reality is, even if I could articulate the problem, I still wouldn't ask for help. To me, it doesn't seem fair to Musicman to ask him to deal with the ongoing issues of the way I was raised, so I don't ask him to do that. I have no problem telling my kids that life isn't fair, get over it, but I don't expect Musicman to operate under that same premise.

I'd like to say, I'm not sure why that is, but I do. I still worry about the fact that I'm broken. I still think he deserves someone who isn't, so if I expose my broken side, he won't want me. If I ask him to step up and help me with these issues, it might make him unhappy. He may not want to continue dealing with the fact that he married a broken woman.

Sure, if I can figure out what is causing it, I can face it, deal with it and move on. I've done that so many times over the years. Enough times that I should no longer feel broken, but, sometimes it becomes apparent that I am.

That pisses me off too. Isn't it enough already? Haven't I already dealt with all the crap? Apparently not, or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I opened Pandora's box. I'd like to think I can close it again, but that never works.

I'm feeling very lost, very broken and have no idea which way I'm supposed to turn. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of crying and covering those tears so no one will see. I need to take a deep breathe and move on, but that's not as easy as I would like it to be.

I won't give up. I never give up. If I do that my abusers win. I become a victim again. I can't accept that, but I'm not sure how I go on from here. So I just breathe, and cry when no one is looking.



Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Bit About Musicman


This meme has been going around. I love reading them because they are a great way to learn more about our blogger friends. Since I've managed to seriously confuse myself with my little experiment stepping outside my comfort zone, this will be a welcome distraction for me. I hope you enjoy it.

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?  If it's the weekend it's sports, football or Nascar racing. If it's during the week, probably a comedy.


2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get?  None, Musicman would never let a salad pass his lips.


3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?  His eyes, they are very dark, almost black.

4.You go out to eat and have a drink, what does he order? Coca-cola, it's all he drinks.

5. Where did he go to high school? At the biggest rival to the one I attended. 
2
6. What size shoe does he wear? 10

7. If he were to collect anything, what would it be? Parts and pieces, Musicman fixes things for a living and he rarely ever gets rid of the old parts, cause ya never know when he might need them. Seriously, if it weren't for the fact that he has a very large garage I would be in danger of being on an episode of Horders, lol.
 
8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?  Ham, salami and provolone panini with a dash of vinegar.

9. What is his favorite cereal? I don't think he has a favorite. He only eats cereal on rare occasions and then he buys whatever he is in the mood for.

10. What would he never wear?  A sweater, I bought one for him once, but he never wore it.

11. What is his favorite sports team?  Minnesota Vikings, he's been a steadfast fan since he was 5. We don't live anywhere close them, but he liked the colors.
12.  Who did he vote for in last election?  He didn't vote.

13. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do? Smoke.

14. You bake a cake for his birthday; what kind? Blueberry pie, he doesn't like cake.

15. What is his heritage? Swedish and Norwegian.

16. Did he play sports in high school?   Only what was required in gym class.

17. What could he spend hours doing?  Playing his guitar.

18. What is one unique talent he has?  He can touch his nose with his tongue. I find it hilarious when he does it and often bug him to do it at parties.







Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone

I'm aware that some couples turn to TTWD to save or repair their relationship. That isn't the case for us. I asked for a D/s relationship because I had experienced some things that left me a bit lost and confused about who I really am.  I wanted to explore and embrace a side of myself that had become apparent, after having been so deeply hidden, I wasn't even aware of it for many years.

When I first proposed a D/s lifestyle to Musicman he was quick to point out that it wasn't a major change for us, but more of an increase in intensity of what we already had. Of course, he was right. Day to day not much has changed in our interactions, the changes have come within the walls of our bedroom.

He has been wonderful about embracing and providing the things I have asked for. He has been slower about introducing or pushing for things that are of interest to him. In short, the focus of TTWD for us, is all about me, what I want and need. Not a bad way to live if you are in my shoes.

I have realized that while Musicman definitely subscribes to the mindset, "happy wife, happy life," what about him? Oh sure, I do things designed for the sole purpose of pleasing him, but only if it is something that falls within my comfort zone. I reap the benefits of these too because pleasing him satisfies me.

What about the things that are harder for me, that fall outside my comfort zone? I sometimes do them, but only if he has sufficiently motivated me. He's not great at pushing me past my comfort zone in some areas. If it is an area I have expressed a desire to be pushed on, he's okay with it. If it's something he wants, that I have shown reluctance to doing, he will on occasion push, but not often. That's just who he is.

I could comfortably live with the dynamic we have and the way we have set it up, except, that doesn't seem right to me anymore. Yes, it's very, very nice to have my needs be the focus of attention. Yes, I can go on deluding myself into believing I'm a good sub, because if he pushes I will obey and ultimately, enjoy the experience.

The question for me has become; can I push myself, can I step outside my comfort zone and give him the things I know he wants without him having to push me? Can I willingly offer him my submission in a form that really pleases him, but he won't ask for? I don't know the answer to that, yet, but I'm willing to try. That is a step in the right direction for me. It's a step I'm ready to take, even though it seems to be confusing him some.



Monday, April 22, 2013

An Incident and an Experiment

We had an incident over the weekend that made me question how good of a submissive I actually am. It wasn't a major incident, just one of those days where things don't go the way you might like them too.

Musicman was tired. When he is tired he becomes passive aggressive. I recognize it, but don't deal with it as well as I would like. Being aware that he is tired and acting passive aggressive helps some, but not enough, in my opinion.

Having dealt with this situation more then once, I had a good idea how it would play out. No surprise then that it played out exactly as I expected. I wasn't happy about that, yet, I did not proactively do anything to change it.

I'm getting better at dealing with this situation, but always strive to do better. That would be the perfectionist in me. When this situation occurs I spend a lot of time thinking about it, analyzing it and trying to figure out how to better handle it the next time it occurs. I've made great gains in this area, but still feel like I haven't quite made it over the hump.

What I've realized is that when he acts this way, it takes me out of the submissive mindset. When in actuality this is the time I most need to be in that mindset. This is the time he needs me to offer my submission instead of him coaxing it from me.

I know I can't change his behavior, all I can change is my reaction to it. So I'm left with the question: how do I achieve the submissive mindset when the dominance is no where to be found? How do I handle the confusing, plummeting emotions that are the reaction to his behavior?

I'm not entirely sure, but I've decided to undertake an experiment. An experiment designed to specifically keep me tuned in to my submissive side. An experiment that will push my limits on what I feel comfortable doing. An experiment that should, if I'm able to complete it, push us to the next level. Or, at least me, cause it still won't allow me to control his behavior.

Wish me luck, and stay tuned for the results at the end of the week.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Submission and Feminism

Submission seems to be in the news quite a bit lately. Gabby Reece has been taking a lot of heat for writing in her book that she is submissive to her husband. Carrie Underwood has taken some too. She said in a recent interview that if her husband asked her to give up her career she would.

People, women especially, have been lashing out at these ladies because they were brave enough to voice their personal beliefs. Neither of these women have said they are advising other women to do this. They are saying this is how they feel and what they choose.

I ask the following question: isn't that what feminism and women's rights are all about? Isn't it about my right to choose how I live my life?

I am a submissive wife. I have been for almost three decades. I willing tell you, my Mother is appalled by this, despite the fact that she loves my husband and sees how happy I am. I understand that reaction from her, because she didn't have a choice. It was very important to her that I understood that I had a choice.

I listened, I learned, I understood. I exercised my right to choose. I chose to be submissive because that is what works for me. At the time, I didn't realize that submission was what I was choosing. In my mind, I was choosing a relationship with mutual respect and open communication.  A relationship that played to each of our individual strengths. A relationship that is strong because we recognize that equality is not the most important thing.

I don't want to be equal to my husband. I am not a man and I don't want to be equated as one. In many areas, I am stronger then he is. I am an alpha female. I don't deny that and neither does he. We both benefit from that. He is a dominant male. He is strong in ways that I am not, nor do I wish to be. We both benefit from that.

This is what I chose, this is what works for me. I would never advise any other women to pursue this against their will. I have an adult daughter. She tells me she wants a man like her Dad. I encourage that, but I never use the word submission, it still carries too much of a negative connotation to be willingly accepted.

                      

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

That Moment

There's that moment.
 
The moment immediately after the strap falls,
immediately after the paddle bites.
 
Pain.
Searing.
Hot.
Intense.
 
My mind runs so quickly.
 
What was I thinking?
Why would I subject myself to this?
Why do I seek this?
What if this isn't what I want?
 
Then I remember.
 
BREATHE.
 
All I have to do is breathe.
 
Surrender floods in with the breath,
my mind empties,
control is given over and given up.
Freedom comes in the surrender.
 
Held within the physical pain,
release from the emotional pain,
release from the mental pain.
 
I question no more,
I want no more,
I desire no more,
 
BREATHE.
 
Freedom is what I seek,
therefore,
pain is what I seek.
 
All I must ever do is
BREATHE.
 
 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cravings

I'm sitting here waiting for dinner to finish cooking. I've had a long day and a longer couple weeks. I have serious issues I'm dealing with and decisions that need to be made. Things continue to change, moment by moment, or so it seems. I'm used to the fact that life often gets to be a bit crazy. Yet, I recognize that I crave.

I crave the pain, I crave the dominance, I crave the escape it provides. I crave the need to do nothing but breathe, feel, experience. I crave.

Isn't that enough?

It should be. If he knew, it would be.

Do I know why I crave the pain and the dominance? No.

Does that fact really matter? No, not as far as I'm concerned.

I've lived my life by his standards for the past 30 years. That has kept me in good steed, but it has left me wanting. Not because he has failed me, but, because I crave. I crave an escape. I don't want him to ask. I don't want him to second guess. I want him to know, I crave.

I wear the many hats that come along with being a woman in this society. It sometimes makes me dizzy how fast they change. It makes me crave the oblivion that can be had at his hand.

I'm facing a lot of changes, a lot of challenges, I need a stable base, a place to run and hide. I need an escape.

There was a time that feeling like this made me want to run away. Now, I just want to run into his arms and surrender.

I want to feel, I want to experience, I want to forget, for just a moment, that life exists. He can give me that. If he knew.

If he knew? What would he do?






Friday, April 12, 2013

One of THOSE Weeks

It's been one of those weeks. The kind of week where I feel very disconnected, not from Musicman, but from myself. It's been one of those weeks that test me as a person, as a woman. It's been one of those weeks that make me question my worth, my identity and my place in this world.

I haven't been able to come here much this week. I haven't been able to embrace my faerie side. I've started several posts, finished less and published none. I just haven't been able to embrace this side of me. I've needed to be stronger and more focused on outside things. I've needed to be Lolita, so I have been.

I love Lolita, she is my strong side, I need her, but I don't particularly care to live in her head space. I much prefer to be faerie, to enjoy the softer, more pleasant side of my life. Some times that's just not possible. Some times life demands more from me, whether I want to give it or not.

Musicman has been very tuned in, he understands how much I continue to struggle to be the woman I want to be. He may not understand why I continue to struggle with an identity crisis in this one area of my life, but he understands I struggle.

He knows how to call my faerie out. He knows how to engage her in play. He knows how to give me the escape I so desperately need. He takes me to that mindset I love so much. There isn't much carryover right now, but it at least allows for a peaceful night's sleep on my part.

Right now, I'll take that.

Things are changing quickly, again. I find myself tired of saying that and even more tired of experiencing it, I don't seem to have a choice. I haven't found the right answer, yet. I haven't given up and he hasn't given up on me. He's been there every step of the way, shoring me up when I felt weak. Helping me see clearly that I'm worth more than how I've been treated.

He's listened to me vent, he's given me advice, he's given me an escape from the unhealthy reality that encompasses so much of my life right now. Yes, I've been spanked, I've been dominated, I've felt that incredible circle of energy, that makes life so worth living.

The future for me, in this one area, is very uncertain. He has expressed his concerns, desires and expectations. I've expressed my thoughts and concerns of my capabilities. We both know the future is uncertain, but only in this one area. The one thing that remains constant? I am his and he will protect me. That alone gives me the strength and the fortitude I need to go on facing the challenges in front of me. I really can't ask for more.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Greedy Woman

We were standing in the kitchen, Musicman's hands sliding my skirt up, swat, swat, swat, swat, swat.

A fly by swatting occurred. Not the first or the last that occurred that day. In fact, they are quite common, and surprisingly, I don't count them as a spanking. They certainly feel like one, but for some reason, in my book, they don't count.

Musicman decided that was a good time to remark that I had nothing to complain about, cause I had gotten quite a few lately. That's true, we've had plenty of playtime over the last few days. I've become quite well acquainted with the magic paddle, the leather paddle and the flogger in the last few days.

Despite that, I didn't even flinch when I told him, it's never enough for me. That's not a reflection on him as much as it is me. During playtime, he pretty much always gives me exactly what I need. The problem is the more I get, the more I want.

Yes, I know it's not realistic to expect playtime everyday. I also know I can't live in that headspace all the time, but it doesn't stop me from wanting too. It's such a wonderful escape from all the dismal things in the world.

The infusion of energy is incredible and addictive. Considering some of the things I've been addicted to over the years, this one isn't so bad. Now if I could just get the rest of the world to leave me alone and let me play when I want, everything would be peachy.

I doubt that will happen anythime soon, but a girl can hope. Yes, I know, I'm a greedy woman. I admit it and I no longer care if someone has a problem with it.



Saturday, April 6, 2013

It says what, where?

This is a pillow pet, it's exactly like my pillow pet. It's a lady bug. Isn't she cute? I have a fondness for pillows, always have, but this is one of my very favorites. It's one of my favorites not because she's so cute, but because this is the pillow I sit on when I sit at Musicman's feet.

This is the pillow I sat on last night while he massaged my neck and back. My neck continues to give me issues, but I suppose 6 hours a day sitting at a computer will do that. The massages help and it is slowly getting better.

You probably wouldn't think something so innocuous as a child's pillow would become such a strong visual cue for me, but it has. That's because the massages he gives me always lead to more than just a massage.



This is the leather paddle we own. I have a true love of leather, especially in paddle form, in Musicman's hands. I didn't see that he had tucked it in beside him where he sat. When he places the pillow on the floor, that's all the invite I need.

He never confines himself to just my backside. Oh no, he explores and rarely leaves any inch of me undiscovered. He wielded it quite effectively last night and at one point he quite gleefully announced, "it says bitch on your ass."

My response, "I'm surprised that's the only place it says bitch." Heeheeheee.










Friday, April 5, 2013

Three words


This meme has been going around and it looked like fun, I stole it from my friend Terpsichore.
The idea is to use exactly three words to answer each of the questions. I tend to be a bit long winded, so here goes nothing.

1. Where is your cell phone? Don't have one.
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Husband wouldn't approve.
3. Hair? Long, gray, curly.
4. Your mother? I have one.
5. Your father? Long since gone.
6. Your favorite item(s)?  Computer, ipod, satellite radio.
7. Your dream last night? I don't remember.
8. Your favorite drink?  Coffee with cream.
9. Your dream guy/girl?  Musicman, Trace Adkins.
10. The room you are in? Living room.
11. Your fear? Loosing my Musicman.
12. What do you want to be in 10 years?  Don't know yet.
13. Who did you hang out with last night?  Musicman, magic paddle.
14. What are you not?  Easily pushed around.
15. What's outside your window?  Finally, some sunshine.
16. One of your wish list items? Trip to Scotland.
17. What time is it?  Early evening.
18. The last thing you did?  Talked to Musicman
19. What are you wearing?  Boring work clothes.
20. Your favorite book?  Impossible to decide.
21. The last thing you ate? Tuna sub
22. Your life?  Is a rollercoaster.
23. Your mood? Changes every moment.
24. Your car?  Small and sporty.
25. What are you doing at this moment?  Typing this meme.
26. Your summer?  Too far way.
27. Travel plans?  None right now.
28. What is on your TV screen? Local news
29. Last time you cried?  Yesterday
30. School? Investigating online courses.
 
I don't know who comes up with these memes, but I love to read them and find out more about everyone. So, did you learn anything about me you didn't already know?
 
 

 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

What Happens?

Life is challenging. We all face many challenges throughout each day. Some challenges are so small we barely take note of them. Others are so large, it takes a life time to deal with them.

I'm the kind of person who meets challenges head on. I stare them in the face and I never back down. I will not be defeated. I think that inborn strength is the reason I survived the things that occurred in my childhood. I also think the things that occurred in my childhood happened for a reason. That reason being, to make me stronger.

Over the years, I've drawn on that inner strength to help me stand up to each challenge I've had to face, both professionally and personally. Professionally, I've been present at more deaths then I can count. I've done my best to provide a peaceful passing. I've stepped up and provided comfort to those left behind. Providing care and comfort in a persons lasts days is something I have always found fulfilling. Personally, I've faced that same challenge, too many times.

I have thought many times over the years that Musicman and I are together by design. He's been faced with many serious health challenges over the years. He's needed me to step up and be the strong one. When he was faced with his kidneys failing, he was strong enough to work full time while undergoing dialysis treatments three times a week. He has an incredibly physical job, he could have gone on disability, but that's not him. He pushed himself to work, to provide for his family. I am grateful for that, but it left everything else in our life, two young children and the care of our home to me, while I worked full time. I did it and never gave it a second thought, because in my opinion, I had the easy side of that equation.

When he received his transplant, I was by his side every single second. I stood up to the world class surgeons and made sure they knew, he wasn't just a kidney. I made sure they knew he was a person and the love of my life. When the care was less then top notch and all the other families were too afraid to speak up, I stepped up. I made so much noise they had to call in the head of the transplant program to speak with me. I affected change in the program that benefited everyone.

When we discovered he might be having heart issues, I pushed until they did the necessary tests. When the top cardiologist in the city tried to write us off as low risk, I took him on and got the best care available for Musicman. That doctor had to eat his words when the test he said we didn't need showed 5 blockages. That doctor had to admit to me, a lowly wife, that if I hadn't pushed, I would have lost him.

That is my biggest fear in this world, losing Musicman. He is my heart, he is my soul, he is my breath when I grow old. Okay, I admit those are song lyrics, but they are lyrics I've always connected too. He saved me, he gave me a life filled with love. He helped me realize my potential. He has made me into the woman I am today. I don't know how I could go on without him.

Undoubtably, I have the strength, but I don't have the will. He's been struggling with some health issues for the last few weeks. I pushed, as I always do, until he went to see Doc. Doc put him on some meds that helped so much. He felt like a new man, unfortunately, he couldn't stay on that med long term. There are serious side effects.

The new meds aren't helping as much as either of us would like. They have made a referral to a specialist, but it could take months before he gets an appointment. He's sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I feel so helpless. I'm scared and that's a very hard thing for me to admit.

What happens to a sub who looses her Dom? I pray I never have to find out the answer to that question.



Monday, April 1, 2013

Just Another Saturday Evening

It's Saturday evening, Musicman has just gotten up from a nap. He needed one, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Can we say "cranky"? A full morning of errands to accomplish was not made easier listening to him complain.

I immediately saw this for what it was, he's tired. He has a right to be tired. He works very hard all week long. I don't necessarily like to be alone anymore. I used to like being alone, until he found me. Now, being with him is the best thing in my world.

I used to resent the fact that he needs more sleep than I do. At some point, I did realize that most normal humans, require more sleep than I do. It's just never been an easy thing for me. What has become easier is letting him have time to sleep. So, I suggested a nap, it's just one of the ways I take care of him.

Anyway... he's awake, we're watching a movie. The pillow makes an appearance on the floor. Oh, yeah...he's gonna rub my shoulder. Yes, it's still giving me fits. This is not the good kind of pain either.

I sit on the pillow at his feet, the sunset is shining in through the window. I haven't seen the sun in so long. It feels so good to close my eyes and absorb the light, feel the relief. Bathed in a halo of light, the transcendence begins.

I'm already a puddle of mush from the massage he's just given me, when he stands to turn off the TV and turn on some music. He turns back toward where I still sit on the floor and drops his pants. I immediately begin to salivate and stretch up to reach the goodies now in front of my face. I open my mouth, like a baby bird waiting to be fed.

He lets me lick and suck for a moment or two, but soon backs away so I can no longer reach him. The loss of him in my mouth is a palpable thing. I morn, I want more, but that is not his plan. He reaches his hands out to help me up from the floor. He pulls me in close for a hug and raises his head for me to place kisses on his neck. Then he spins me around, bends me over and flips my skirt up.

He has the magic paddle in hand, I'm soon yelping and gasping for breath. The man does not know the meaning of the word, "warm up." Ironically, it seems all too soon, he's done, but is he really? No, the glass dildo makes an appearance, not that I actually see it mind you. I certainly feel it.

It still amazes me the things he can make me do, just by getting me into that headspace. That headspace where, all is right in my world and the only thing I must do, is what he commands. After, when I think about it rationally, that headspace seems scary, cause I really would do whatever he tells me to do.

At the time, I never question, I trust him completely and do as I'm told. It's so freeing not to have to think, or worry, just listen and obey. Not obeying, is never an option for me, and it never will be. He knows my body so well, he wrings every last orgasm from me that is possible, but he doesn't stop there. He pushes, and pushes and pushes until I give him more.

He finally decides I've had enough, I think I've had way more than enough. Believe me when I say, that is just an observation, not a complaint. With legs of jelly, I sink to the floor, kneeling on the pillow that still lays there. He sits in front of me and offers himself to me. I lunge greedily, I want him in my mouth so much I can already taste him.

"Hands only", he says, eliciting a strangled moan from me, followed quickly by a softly whispered, "yes Sir". I seriously hate it when he doesn't let me have free reign, but I obey. I obey because that is the beauty of submission, that is the control I crave so much. Grasping him firmly in my hands I begin to slowly stroke his length. I hungrily gaze at his engorged member, hoping he will soon give me permission for more.

He does not, instead he directs me to lick his balls. Oh, "yes Sir," again escapes my lips as I start in, tracing the veins and folds and ripples that now feel so heavenly beneath my tongue. I want more, but that is not yet allowed. I know this because his hand buried in my hair is pulling me away.

I raise up into a tall kneel and push my girls together around him. My girls never really grew up all the way and this is not an easy thing for me, but he likes it when I try. He likes the visual it creates. His gorgeous cock, pushing up between my soft flesh, my tongue flicking out to meet the tip on every upstroke he makes.

I'm now in an agony of need, I want to plunge my mouth down his length, take him all in and feel him pushing past the back of my throat. He lets me, but only for the briefest of time. He's getting close and has another ending in mind.

He grasps my hair again and pulls me away from him. I offer myself to him, pushing, up and out as I lift my head, mouth open to receive his cum as it covers my chest and face. I finish by licking up every last drop.