Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On an Even Keel

It isn't hard to be kind, so why not start a ripple this morning?

Thank you all for the kind words and support on my last post. I haven't had a meltdown that bad in quite a while, which in and of itself is progress for me.

I have a tendency to dwell too much on the episodes afterwards to try and figure out what went wrong so I don't repeat it. I've learned over the last few years that doing that is not necessarily good for me, it can drag me right back into the miasma of pain and darkness.

I believe that is one reason this one was so bad, it started early in the week, but I ignored it. I tried to write, but it all came out too raw and painful to post. It's not that I haven't posted such things before, but this time I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the right words, couldn't really articulate what was going on.

When I write, I write for myself, but I am always aware that Musicman reads every post. I didn't want my confusion to hurt him or to cause damage that could not be repaired. Taking some time before I posted anything helped me to write a bit more objectively about what happened. I have a very bad habit of blaming Musicman for everything when these episodes happen.

When I am stuck in the depths of these episodes I feel a deep rage. I lash out and often say terrible things that in rational moments I do not mean. It's not pleasant for either one of us when I do that. I certainly do not want to commit them to paper and put them out there for everyone to read, that would be very unfair of me to do.

Musicman did read that post and did ask me about it, but I haven't really been able to say much more then I already have. I did learn some things, but I don't have the words to explain what exactly that would be. Maybe with time that will change.

We did have a wonderful session with the magic paddle on Friday night. That in itself helped me get back on an even keel. I know Musicman doesn't understand why that helps, heck I don't understand it myself, but it does. Even though he doesn't understand it, he knows that is what I need and he is usually quite willing to give it to me.

We also had a lovely session with the leather strap on Sunday. I think we both would have liked some playtime on Saturday too, but time and opportunity did not present itself since we do have a teenager in the house. One of the things I have realized about these episodes, is that after, I need more pain then I usually do. I don't know that I have ever told him that.

So, even though we have connected twice in three days, I could really use some more. Then again, I'm almost always willing to go for more. Some time and energy for an extended session without having to worry about the boychild coming home is what I'm hoping for now. It may take awhile for that to happen, so I will just breathe and enjoy what time we do get.

12 comments:

  1. there is nothing wrong with more! :-) I am glad you are feeling a bit better and hope you find the time for more time to connect again soon Lots of hugs, Terps

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, I know time to connect is something we all would like more of. Hopefully it will happen soon for everyone :)

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  2. Happy to read this post.....you are such a strong woman! I think needing more, is part of our submissive make-up. Hope you get that long session soon.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby, I don't always feel strong, but I suppose that's not really possible. I hope we all get the time we want to reconnect soon :)

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  3. You sound better....so glad. More is a concept I understand very well - I hope you get more.

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    1. I am doing some better, thank you. Is it ever enough?

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  4. So glad you're feeling more grounded. I always want more too. :)

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    1. Thanks Renee Rose, wanting more is probably a good thing, keeps me motivated :)

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  5. So glad that you're feeling a bit better and I'm glad musicman gives you what you need at these times. Doesn't matter why it works it's just that it works. ((Hugs))

    Dee x

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    1. Thanks Dee, I gave up trying to figure out why it works a long time ago. I just know it does and I always seem to want more. Guess I'm a bit of a glutton, lol :)

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  6. wow, I am finding such great sites to complement my Inner Whore blog that I recently shut down. Making me rethink that. But, you might enjoy my other one--some sarcastic, edgy (sorta) humor.

    www.genresofmylife@blogspot.com

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    1. Welcome Holly, I'll have to stop by and check out your blog.

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