Tuesday, April 30, 2013
On an Even Keel
Thank you all for the kind words and support on my last post. I haven't had a meltdown that bad in quite a while, which in and of itself is progress for me.
I have a tendency to dwell too much on the episodes afterwards to try and figure out what went wrong so I don't repeat it. I've learned over the last few years that doing that is not necessarily good for me, it can drag me right back into the miasma of pain and darkness.
I believe that is one reason this one was so bad, it started early in the week, but I ignored it. I tried to write, but it all came out too raw and painful to post. It's not that I haven't posted such things before, but this time I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the right words, couldn't really articulate what was going on.
When I write, I write for myself, but I am always aware that Musicman reads every post. I didn't want my confusion to hurt him or to cause damage that could not be repaired. Taking some time before I posted anything helped me to write a bit more objectively about what happened. I have a very bad habit of blaming Musicman for everything when these episodes happen.
When I am stuck in the depths of these episodes I feel a deep rage. I lash out and often say terrible things that in rational moments I do not mean. It's not pleasant for either one of us when I do that. I certainly do not want to commit them to paper and put them out there for everyone to read, that would be very unfair of me to do.
Musicman did read that post and did ask me about it, but I haven't really been able to say much more then I already have. I did learn some things, but I don't have the words to explain what exactly that would be. Maybe with time that will change.
We did have a wonderful session with the magic paddle on Friday night. That in itself helped me get back on an even keel. I know Musicman doesn't understand why that helps, heck I don't understand it myself, but it does. Even though he doesn't understand it, he knows that is what I need and he is usually quite willing to give it to me.
We also had a lovely session with the leather strap on Sunday. I think we both would have liked some playtime on Saturday too, but time and opportunity did not present itself since we do have a teenager in the house. One of the things I have realized about these episodes, is that after, I need more pain then I usually do. I don't know that I have ever told him that.
So, even though we have connected twice in three days, I could really use some more. Then again, I'm almost always willing to go for more. Some time and energy for an extended session without having to worry about the boychild coming home is what I'm hoping for now. It may take awhile for that to happen, so I will just breathe and enjoy what time we do get.