We had an incident over the weekend that made me question how good of a submissive I actually am. It wasn't a major incident, just one of those days where things don't go the way you might like them too.
Musicman was tired. When he is tired he becomes passive aggressive. I recognize it, but don't deal with it as well as I would like. Being aware that he is tired and acting passive aggressive helps some, but not enough, in my opinion.
Having dealt with this situation more then once, I had a good idea how it would play out. No surprise then that it played out exactly as I expected. I wasn't happy about that, yet, I did not proactively do anything to change it.
I'm getting better at dealing with this situation, but always strive to do better. That would be the perfectionist in me. When this situation occurs I spend a lot of time thinking about it, analyzing it and trying to figure out how to better handle it the next time it occurs. I've made great gains in this area, but still feel like I haven't quite made it over the hump.
What I've realized is that when he acts this way, it takes me out of the submissive mindset. When in actuality this is the time I most need to be in that mindset. This is the time he needs me to offer my submission instead of him coaxing it from me.
I know I can't change his behavior, all I can change is my reaction to it. So I'm left with the question: how do I achieve the submissive mindset when the dominance is no where to be found? How do I handle the confusing, plummeting emotions that are the reaction to his behavior?
I'm not entirely sure, but I've decided to undertake an experiment. An experiment designed to specifically keep me tuned in to my submissive side. An experiment that will push my limits on what I feel comfortable doing. An experiment that should, if I'm able to complete it, push us to the next level. Or, at least me, cause it still won't allow me to control his behavior.
Wish me luck, and stay tuned for the results at the end of the week.