Wednesday, April 3, 2013

What Happens?

Life is challenging. We all face many challenges throughout each day. Some challenges are so small we barely take note of them. Others are so large, it takes a life time to deal with them.

I'm the kind of person who meets challenges head on. I stare them in the face and I never back down. I will not be defeated. I think that inborn strength is the reason I survived the things that occurred in my childhood. I also think the things that occurred in my childhood happened for a reason. That reason being, to make me stronger.

Over the years, I've drawn on that inner strength to help me stand up to each challenge I've had to face, both professionally and personally. Professionally, I've been present at more deaths then I can count. I've done my best to provide a peaceful passing. I've stepped up and provided comfort to those left behind. Providing care and comfort in a persons lasts days is something I have always found fulfilling. Personally, I've faced that same challenge, too many times.

I have thought many times over the years that Musicman and I are together by design. He's been faced with many serious health challenges over the years. He's needed me to step up and be the strong one. When he was faced with his kidneys failing, he was strong enough to work full time while undergoing dialysis treatments three times a week. He has an incredibly physical job, he could have gone on disability, but that's not him. He pushed himself to work, to provide for his family. I am grateful for that, but it left everything else in our life, two young children and the care of our home to me, while I worked full time. I did it and never gave it a second thought, because in my opinion, I had the easy side of that equation.

When he received his transplant, I was by his side every single second. I stood up to the world class surgeons and made sure they knew, he wasn't just a kidney. I made sure they knew he was a person and the love of my life. When the care was less then top notch and all the other families were too afraid to speak up, I stepped up. I made so much noise they had to call in the head of the transplant program to speak with me. I affected change in the program that benefited everyone.

When we discovered he might be having heart issues, I pushed until they did the necessary tests. When the top cardiologist in the city tried to write us off as low risk, I took him on and got the best care available for Musicman. That doctor had to eat his words when the test he said we didn't need showed 5 blockages. That doctor had to admit to me, a lowly wife, that if I hadn't pushed, I would have lost him.

That is my biggest fear in this world, losing Musicman. He is my heart, he is my soul, he is my breath when I grow old. Okay, I admit those are song lyrics, but they are lyrics I've always connected too. He saved me, he gave me a life filled with love. He helped me realize my potential. He has made me into the woman I am today. I don't know how I could go on without him.

Undoubtably, I have the strength, but I don't have the will. He's been struggling with some health issues for the last few weeks. I pushed, as I always do, until he went to see Doc. Doc put him on some meds that helped so much. He felt like a new man, unfortunately, he couldn't stay on that med long term. There are serious side effects.

The new meds aren't helping as much as either of us would like. They have made a referral to a specialist, but it could take months before he gets an appointment. He's sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I feel so helpless. I'm scared and that's a very hard thing for me to admit.

What happens to a sub who looses her Dom? I pray I never have to find out the answer to that question.



32 comments:

  1. Oh Faerie, I don't know what to say except that you are both in my prayers. You do your damndest to get that appointment sooner.

    Thoughts, prayers and many hugs.

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    1. I appreciate the prayers, the support and the hugs. They help so much my friend :) I'll stay on top of the all the docs until he gets better. I always do, which is why he often says I'm a pitbull when it comes to his health.

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  2. Faerie, You've had your share, hell - you've had several towns worth of their share too. I am sooooo sorry. It's terrifying when there are issues. It's also so upsetting when the information is unclear and the wait is TOO long. I'll pray and send positive energies your way. You are a strong faerie, protect your Dom with all you're mighty wings will allow.

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. I'm ready to raise the white flag and say, NO MORE. If only life worked that way. I'll keep fighting for him, and all the support I get here will bolster me to keep going when I hit that wall of exhaustion :)

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this. You both sound incredibly strong but I understand it hasn't been easy. I hope you can quickly put this behind you.

    hugs, squirrel

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    1. Too many challenges can bring even the strongest faerie down, but it can't keep me there. Someday, it will seem like just another bump in the road for us :)

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  4. I hope that his health issues are resolved quickly. My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Thank you joey, his health issues never seem to resolve quickly, we just learn to deal with them and control them better. We'll do that this time too :)

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  5. Faerie,
    I so wish you didn't have so much on your plate right now. I know how much you need this man and need him strong and well. You and your whole family are in my prayers. Stay in touch as much as you can.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Do ya hear that swishing sound? That's me waving the white flag :) Now, if I could just get someone, anyone, to pay attention to it. Thank you for all the support and the prayers, they are so appreciated.

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  6. Faerie, you have had more than your share lately. I am sorry your love is not feeling well....the best thing he has going for him is you. Prayers and good wishes headed your way.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, he does say I am his pitbull when it comes to his health. It's hard to admit that his health issues are such a huge trigger for me, but even pitbulls need a little love sometimes :)

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  7. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Would your health plan allow you to see a specialist in another city? Maybe you could see someone a little farther away a little sooner. Wishing you both well.

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    1. Thanks Meg, I wish we had the option of going to another city, but that would take even longer and complicate things more. We will get through this, we always do and all the support from friends makes it easier to face :)

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  8. Prayers for both of you. The hardest part of loving someone is watching them suffer and worrying. It is okay to let him see your tears fall. If you need to, have a good cry. It helps for a little while.

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    1. You are so right about watching them suffer and worrying. I'm okay as long as there is something I can do to make the situation better. I mean, I am a professional caregiver, it's what I do. If I could just get everyone else to do what needs to be done NOW.

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  9. Pray and ask others to pray. In 2009, I was told my husband would not make it through the night. All my family and friends were texting other people (that I didn't even know) to pray. My husbands O2 saturation was in the 40% and dropping into the high 30% (and that was while he was on a vent). There probably were about 30 people in the ICU waiting room with me when the doctor explained what happens in Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, and how he told me they would do the very best that they could. All the people stood in a circle, holding hands and started praying. My husbands 02 sat went up to the 90% before they all left me there that night. I know all the readers/bloggers don't necessarily believe in prayer, or God, however He has proved himself over and over again to me. I believe God put people here to help others, including the care and knowledge of (some)doctors and nurses. We were told by Respiratory Therapist that they have never seen the numbers on monitors like they did on my husband, and someone live. I don't know why God doesn't heal everyone, because it's all part of His plan. I do know that He listens, He cares, and He can do all things. I asked him to give my husband back to me, and that I would be thankful in whatever his condition, if I could just have him with me. Twenty one days later he was taken off the vent. By that time the prayer chain had reached all over the country. God got all the glory. I thanked the staff and his doctor. His doctor said "I didn't do it, and pointed to my husband, and said he had to do it. I told him that I think he(the doc)and God had a lot to do with it. He said "Well Yeah God".. Just keep being your husband's advocate. It is very important, but also turn it over to God, and ask everyone to pray. Praise God for answering before you even know what the answer is. God loves to show us what our faith can do. He loves to get the credit. I will be praying for you and musicman, and all who love him, all who will be making decisions and caring for him. I'm sure there are some others who will do the same. There are times that I've even asked God to ignore my unbelief, because something looked grim, and tht I knew He could do ALL things. Love and Prayers, Belle L.

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    1. Thank you Belle L. I am praying and I have so much support here. That really lifts me up and helps me keep going to fight the good fight. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know that must have been an incredibly difficult time for you and remembering it can't be easy either.

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  10. Faerie,

    My thoughts and prayers are with you...been a lurker for a long time, but this post touched my heart. I love my man like you love yours! Cry all you need to...doesn't make you weak just proves you have a heart.

    Cheerful1

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    1. Hi Cheerful1, thank you for delurking to give me some much needed support, it helps a lot :) I do cry, just not usually where he can see me, it upsets him and that is not what I want.

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  11. Faerie;

    Hugs and bunches of love and light to you, Musicman and yours.
    xx

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  12. Faerie,
    I hope the appointment comes sooner. Keeping fighting, you're making a difference. I'm sending positive thoughts to both of you.
    DF

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    1. Thanks Delfonte, I will keep fighting, I never give up. Support from friends gives me the boost I need to not feel so defeated :)

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  13. Faerie: Our prayers are with you. You and Musicman are so fortunate that you found each other and you help each other meet the challenges in your lives. Good luck. All your blogger friends are rooting for you both.

    FD

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    1. Hi FD, where he is weak, I am strong, where I am weak, he is strong. I'm just struggling to stay as strong as I need to be in this situation, cause so much of my strength comes from him. It's so nice to have friends to lend me some strength when I need it :)

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  14. Dear Faerie, I will be sending healing thoughts your way. You both belong together, and together with both of your strengh pulling together, you will get through this and look back smiling. I have to believe that. I can't imagine being without my love either. And I hope you never have to. Wishing you both strength and joy and all things positive. Hugs, Terps

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    1. Being without him is something I've had to face more than once, it scares the ever lovin daylights out of me. I believe too that we will get through this and look back and smile, support from friends will help us get there :)

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  15. I was so happy to see an update, and not so happy to read the contents. Faerie, we're praying for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Small consolation, but you aren't alone, sweetie. If I can do anything please email.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you June, having the support of friends is not a small consolation. It's a lifeline to the strength I need right now to pull me back up on my feet to keep fighting.

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  16. Faerie, this sounds all too familiar.
    My Lisa attacked so many doctors on my behalf.
    You little subs, can turn into ferocious women when necessary.
    I do suspect that the unacceptable thought of loosing me helps in making her change in an instant lioness.
    You two are not defending just any distant man behind huge walls.
    But, when the inevitable happens, I am sure that both of you will be admirable. Because it takes a very strong woman to be a sub.
    Hugs,
    Bas

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    1. Yes, we do become quite ferocious when we need too. Musicman very proudly tells people I'm his pitbull when it comes to his health issues. I've identified with that same strength in Lisa right from the beginning :)

      I refuse to accept that loosing him is inevitable. I heard something a long time ago that I tell myself in time likes this, sorta like a prayer. I hope I die the day before you do, so I don't have to live a day without you. I don't remember where I heard it, but it resonates with me.

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