What Happens?

Life is challenging. We all face many challenges throughout each day. Some challenges are so small we barely take note of them. Others are so large, it takes a life time to deal with them.

I'm the kind of person who meets challenges head on. I stare them in the face and I never back down. I will not be defeated. I think that inborn strength is the reason I survived the things that occurred in my childhood. I also think the things that occurred in my childhood happened for a reason. That reason being, to make me stronger.

Over the years, I've drawn on that inner strength to help me stand up to each challenge I've had to face, both professionally and personally. Professionally, I've been present at more deaths then I can count. I've done my best to provide a peaceful passing. I've stepped up and provided comfort to those left behind. Providing care and comfort in a persons lasts days is something I have always found fulfilling. Personally, I've faced that same challenge, too many times.

I have thought many times over the years that Musicman and I are together by design. He's been faced with many serious health challenges over the years. He's needed me to step up and be the strong one. When he was faced with his kidneys failing, he was strong enough to work full time while undergoing dialysis treatments three times a week. He has an incredibly physical job, he could have gone on disability, but that's not him. He pushed himself to work, to provide for his family. I am grateful for that, but it left everything else in our life, two young children and the care of our home to me, while I worked full time. I did it and never gave it a second thought, because in my opinion, I had the easy side of that equation.

When he received his transplant, I was by his side every single second. I stood up to the world class surgeons and made sure they knew, he wasn't just a kidney. I made sure they knew he was a person and the love of my life. When the care was less then top notch and all the other families were too afraid to speak up, I stepped up. I made so much noise they had to call in the head of the transplant program to speak with me. I affected change in the program that benefited everyone.

When we discovered he might be having heart issues, I pushed until they did the necessary tests. When the top cardiologist in the city tried to write us off as low risk, I took him on and got the best care available for Musicman. That doctor had to eat his words when the test he said we didn't need showed 5 blockages. That doctor had to admit to me, a lowly wife, that if I hadn't pushed, I would have lost him.

That is my biggest fear in this world, losing Musicman. He is my heart, he is my soul, he is my breath when I grow old. Okay, I admit those are song lyrics, but they are lyrics I've always connected too. He saved me, he gave me a life filled with love. He helped me realize my potential. He has made me into the woman I am today. I don't know how I could go on without him.

Undoubtably, I have the strength, but I don't have the will. He's been struggling with some health issues for the last few weeks. I pushed, as I always do, until he went to see Doc. Doc put him on some meds that helped so much. He felt like a new man, unfortunately, he couldn't stay on that med long term. There are serious side effects.

The new meds aren't helping as much as either of us would like. They have made a referral to a specialist, but it could take months before he gets an appointment. He's sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I feel so helpless. I'm scared and that's a very hard thing for me to admit.

What happens to a sub who looses her Dom? I pray I never have to find out the answer to that question.