Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Progress Sucks Sometimes

Progress doesn't always move in a straight line. In fact, in order to reach to your ultimate goal, often you have to backtrack through territory you thought was well behind you so you can learn something you missed the first time around. Stressing out about lost time isn't worth the worry, though. Just sit back and enjoy the scenery -- after all, isn't that the point of life?    

I received the above words of wisdom in an email a few weeks back. These words have resonated with me for the last several weeks. It so adequately describes where I am in my life right now. We have cycled around and arrived back at the beginning of our relationship, in so many ways. 

It's not just the D/s, or the kink. That has definitely taken a back seat lately  It just feels as if our day to day interactions are being redefined. It sorta feels like I have no idea, who I actually am anymore. 

Am I a wife?
Am I a Mother?
Am I an employee?
Am I a housekeeper?
Am I a provider?
Am I a taxicab driver?
Am I an alarm clock?
Am I a childcare provider?

Does lover, or vital woman, even figure in there some where? Do I even care?
I just don't know anymore.

He, Musicman, continues to be my anchor, but I'm currently struggling to see the horizon. I had plans, I had goals, I worked hard. Other peoples poor choices have derailed those and I strive with all my heart not to resent my current situation. Who wants to live with resentment? Not me!

I said vows. That was a choice I made. I take that very seriously. That is what keeps me here. Those vows have lead me to a place I never thought I would be again. It's now a struggle everyday to face my reality.  So NOT what I planned.

I'm not the type to give up, so, now I punt. Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

fairy



          

24 comments:

  1. I like the fact that you don't sound beaten, that you are willing to punt. No one knows what's around the corner - I sure hope it's wonderful things. I know you and musicman want that too. Maybe, just maybe you time will come soon.

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    1. No, I'm not beaten, figuratively or literally, lol. No matter how much life knocks me down I always, eventually, get back up and keep moving. I may only be taking small steps, but at least I'm moving :)

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  2. I agree with PK...I really like that you are willing to punt. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. I learned a long time ago that life never goes as planned, so if I don't punt, I'm lost. I wish it wasn't like that, but wishing alone accomplishes nothing.

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  3. Hi Fearie, I'm with PK and Cat. I love that you are willing to punt, and that Musicman is still your anchor. Sending positive thoughts and lots of ((hugs))

    Roz

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    1. Things have been really rocky for us lately, but no matter what he will always be my reason for being here. I've been saying for years and I believe it too, that Musicman loving me is my gift for surviving such a crappy childhood.

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  4. Sometimes out of the ashes rises something more beautiful...a fairie that you never knew existed. Keep punting..
    hugs abby

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    1. I will abby, and maybe someday I will become that fairie that I never knew existed.

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  5. Hi Faerie, when I read your lines here I thought that there is still so much you have to deal with. I get the confusion and I feel for you. You have so many questions unanswered and so many doubts because of that. I am so sorry that you have not found the place where the lover and vital woman fit in there, and from how you wrote this, you do care so much more where they are in all this, don’t you? That you have been influenced this badly by the poor decisions of others plain sucks. But if there is anything, do not fall to resentment. It’s negativity that cannot help anybody, instead it would only make your days bad.

    When Musicman continues to be your anchor, I do hope so endlessly that you can find the horizon easier somehow. I fully get you on your vows and I think in a situation where I wouldn’t know how to go on, they would help me, give me strength, but what always speaks to me most is not to give up, to simply keep going. Sooner or later you will see the horizon again, climb up, sit down, enjoy the scenery. Faerie, I hope so much that you get through this with less hurt than I think you currently feel. I hope this so much for you. Don’t give up, please.

    love

    Nina

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    1. I won't give up Ni Na, I never do. I sometimes break, but I always get back up and put the pieces back together. Resentment is something I find myself fighting on an almost daily basis lately. I do not want to succumb to that amount of negativity. Actively practicing gratitude in those moments helps some. Together, Musicman and I will continue to negotiate the stormy waters we seem to be stuck in and hopefully some day we will find ourselves in calmer waters.

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  6. I'm sure you've heard that saying "man plans, God laughs" I believe we've chosen a plan for our life long before we arrived ont his planet and although we may not like or remember what we've chosen, it's where we are supposed to be. I think how we handle it determines how it moves forward and whether or not we learn to accept is our choice.

    Anyway lots of good wishes to you and you haven't answered my last email.

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    1. God must be having quite the laugh at my expense right now. That's okay though, I suppose even he needs some humor occasionally. I believe we choose our paths too, but I sometimes wonder how my path is effected by the choices of others I allow in my life. I'm working very hard to find the lessons, cause that's what I do.

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  7. So many good comments here. I really believe everyone has good and bad times. How we deal with them is our grace. I agree that punting is perfect when you aren't reall quite sure how to move.....

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    1. I'm feeling fresh out of grace right now, used it all up with too many life challenges lately. So I will continue to punt and maybe somewhere along the way I will find my grace again.

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  8. I love what you said about progress not always moving in a straight line and so true. Continuing to send hugs and positive energy and friendship your way as you work through everything and find your way...

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    1. wish I had been smart enough to think of that on my own, but I wasn't. Oh well, either way the words still found me and they made an impact. I suppose that's really what counts.

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  9. Hi, I think maybe you need to continue to be all of those things and let the dust settle. I so hope things work out for you,
    love Jan,xx

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    1. I will continue to be all those things, even though it often makes me feel resentful and then guilty for feeling resentful. It's a vicious circle that I am working hard on breaking, cause it is such a waste of energy to feel that way.

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  10. Hi Faerie,

    Hope you are doing well.

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  11. just wanted to say hi, been thinking of you and hoping things are going okay for you now xx

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  12. I was thinking about you too. I hope things are back on an even keel and you are doing well.

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