Wednesday, August 8, 2018

The Next Chapter

I'm currently enjoying the warmth and sunshine south of the Mason-Dixon line.   I've been back here with my brother and T for a little over a week now. 

I'm following doctor's orders,  resting and allowing my shoulder to heal.  I have to head back up north at the end of the month for my next check up.  I don't want to go.

Musicman and I finally had a much needed discussion before I left. Getting Musicman to talk about our relationship is nearly impossible.  It was never easy, but has become much worse over the past year or two.  That fact in itself has been a big issue for me, but I was determined and pushed until he talked.

I wasn't really surprised with what he had to say, his actions have been saying it for quite sometime, but it still stung a bit to hear.  He told me, " I used to want you.  I want to want you, but you make it too hard."

I'm not the type of person to stay somewhere I'm not wanted.  I now find myself trying to wrap my head around the fact that after more than 3 decades I'm going to be single again.

I'm not afraid, a little sad, but oddly, a little relieved.  I've experienced and survived so many life changes, so I know I will survive this one too.  I'm trying to find the positives in this situation, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm trying to picture in my head what my life might look like as I move forward, but I'm  not there yet either. 

One thing I know for sure, I won't have to face this next chapter of my life alone.  I have the full support of my brother and T.  While I'm grateful beyond words for that, I've realized I've never actually had that in my life before.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  No one, not even Musicman ever really loved, cared and supported me for me.