Friday, November 30, 2012

"I Know What You Need"

We spend most of our evenings together, in our master bedroom. We just laze around at the end of a long day. Talking about our day, spent apart from each other. If I've worked that day, he listens to me vent and usually makes me laugh. I've listened so close over the years, I know more about his chosen career then some of the people he works with. It's the beginning of the day to day reconnection, a ritual we've observed for years.

It has been a really long week, so I got cleaned up and comfy early. If I wear anything, an over sized men's tank  is about it.

He sits on the lounge as I walk by. He's been quiet, I've let him be, giving him the space he needs. Though it pains me some to do that, I have faith in him.  When he's ready, he'll take what he needs.

He reaches out as I pass and pulls me close. I bury my hands in his hair as I bend to enfold him, clinging silently to the man I love. We rest for a moment, catching our breathes in each other.

He stands, I'm overwhelmed and embraced all at once. Nestled in the crook of his neck as he lifts his chin for me to plant faerie kisses.

"I know what you need." He whispers, as he slowly turns and bends me over at the same time. I hear, rather than see him pick up the leather paddle. His hand, caressing up my back as he pushes my head down and bares me at the same time.

SWAT!!!!

Oh!

Yes!

The damn breaks, the tension flows out, lessening with each subsequent blow.

Swat, swat, swat...

Swat, swat, swat....

Leather kissing skin, redness and warmth bloom.

Legs part, a wider stance a necessity for maintaining balance while losing my equilibrium.

Whack, whack, whack...

Whack, whack, whack,

Oh!

Yes!

The lady parts start to burn, as leather meets flesh and the heavens are reached.

I'm lost, a flurry of leather, striking all about my body, delicious pain, I crave it so. Give me more, I beg of you.

My body bowing, arching up on my toes, his tongue thrusting deep to drink of the wetness flowing out. The coolness of his tongue a balm to my burning flesh, soothing, yet fueling the flame.

I feel his strength as he twists and pinches at my nipples, driving me further into subspace. So sharp, so vivid, so exquisite is the pain, that pleasure explodes around me and all I can do is watch in wonder.

"Yes Sir," is all I can manage when the command comes.

I spin quickly and take him between my lips, swallowing deeply and appreciatively. Pausing, for just a moment, to fully feel his length as he hits the back of my throat.  Hands buried in my hair, I grip his hips and hang on for the ride.

to be continued...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Adjusting to a New Normal

I'm a stress cleaner. Cleaning my home when I'm stressed helps me work through all the thoughts running through my head causing me stress. I've been cleaning all day, my home fairly sparkles, but I'm still stressed. Anyone got something I can clean?

I'm stressed because we are dealing with so many things beyond our control. I'm actually somewhat used to that. So much of life is beyond our control, I accept that. Sometimes all we can do is react and pray, I'm doing both.

Right now, my biggest stressor is Musicman. He's hurting, both physically and emotionally. I want to help him, I'm trying to help him, but there's only so much I can do. He's not as good at handling things beyond his control as I am. He's a strong man, a man that is used to being in control of his world.

His world was knocked a bit off axis, his control slipped some. We've faced situations that have made us feel like this before. Situations that change normal. When things like this happen you don't recover as much as you adjust. You adjust to a new normal. We both know this from past experiences. We also know that it takes time.

What you do during that time is very important. The steps you take while the adjustment happens can be critical. He's a very proud man, he doesn't want me to see him hurting or perceive him as weak. He's pulling a cloak of stoicism around himself, pushing on through the pain. I understand, to a degree, that he needs to do that.

I know better then anyone exactly how strong he is, I could not ever see him as weak. I recognized a long time ago that he deals with serious, painful, life changing events differently then I do. He needs to do a certain amount of it himself, without my help. I respect that.

So, for now, I stand quietly at his side, offering him my strength, my admiration, my respect and my love. And, I'll continue to stand here, ready to help him in anyway that he will allow me.  





Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Never Wanted

As a young woman I never wanted to be a Mother. I told Musicman before we married I never wanted to have children. I didn't feel I could be a good mother. I had no understanding of the mother/child bond due to the way I was raised. Musicman understood that and had no problems with it.

After a few years of being a part of his family, I began to understand the concept of a loving family. I began to understand that not all families cause pain and unhappiness. I began to understand that families are not something to survive and escape. I started to want children. I wanted HIS children.

I fought the urge to have children for quite a while, a few years actually, before talking with Musicman about it. He was just as supportive of my decision to have children as he had been of my earlier decision not to have children. One of the things we discussed was the fact that if we became parents, they would not come between "us". The "us" we had worked so hard to create.

We've done a good job over the years of doing that. We don't necessarily parent the same way, but the way each of us parents compliments the other. I'm the talker, the one that takes the lead when dealing with our children, but I'm not the decision maker. We do that together, always. Our kids come to me with what ever they need or want, and I go to him. Together we make the decisions that need to be made.

Sometimes as a parent you are faced with a situation that requires you to do things that break your heart. Things that must be done for the good of everyone involved. Things that must be done for the safety and well being of the family. Those things often have the potential to tear a couple apart.

There was an incident such as this last night with our son. It was violent and out of control. Pain was caused, tears were shed, emotions a raw and open wound. It held the potential to cause an irreparable tear in "us". There were moments when I really thought it would be the end of "us".

In the end, after the pain, after the tears, after the hard choices were made, we came together. We sought solace in each other. We generated the healing energy that starts to repair "us". There's more work to do and it will be hard, but we will do it together. We will find the strength we need, to make the hard decisions to help our son and protect everyone, in each other. I couldn't have it any other way.



Monday, November 26, 2012

Anchor the Pain

When the world is tumultous
                                                               and emotions collide,

                                                                        pain
                                                                becomes pleasure
                                                                        pain
                                                               becomes a craving
                                                                       pain
                                                       becomes a need I must feed.


                                                              Dizzy with doubt
                                                      miscommunication abounds,
 
                                                                       pain
                                                           becomes my focus
                                                                      pain
                                                          becomes my control
                                                                      pain
                                                          becomes my escape.

                                                                        
                                                          I'm lost in this world
                                                   casting about for an anchor,
                 
                                                                                           
                                                                My anchor,
                                                                he frees me,
                                                                through the pain,
                                                                I attain pleasure,
                                                                through the pain,
                                                                I achieve freemdom,
                                                                from the pain.



                                                     

Friday, November 23, 2012

The wi-fi's back and so am I...so pull up a chair I've lots of Lemonade to share

So many things have happened, and I haven't even had the luxury of escaping to blogland. But, the Wi-fi's back up, so here I am with lemonade in tow.

Why lemonade, you might ask? Well, that's what I do when life hands me lemons, I make lemonade. I've had a lot of lemons roll into my life over the last few days, some of them pretty big. On the upside, I can at least say the nightmares that started last week have finally stopped.

Saturday afternoon I answered the phone to find a hysterical child on the other end, our daughter. She's been struggling for a bit, but has been resistant about accepting our help. I can respect that, she's an adult and can make her own decisions and live her own life. The problem is she has made some really bad decisions and even worse choices. It all came crashing in on her and she had no where else to turn. I wish she'd have come to us sooner, but, that's water under the bridge at this point.

We addressed the most immediate problems that day. She is facing some health issues, and even though she works full time, her employer does not offer health insurance. Several hundred dollars later we obtained the meds she needs. Not what we wanted to do, but you can't put a price on your child's health.

Our attempts to get the weekend plans back on track went awry when we discovered a total lack of hot water. A closer look revealed a flooded basement and blown hot water tank. Oh the joys of being a homeowner. Silly me decided that it would be much easier and way more efficient to just bite the bullet and help Musicman get the new tank into the house and down to the basement. We managed it, but my body protested most vociferously for the next few days. Every single inch of my body screamed with pain, and not the good kind.

A weekend like that almost made me happy to see Monday come. Almost, but Monday brought it's own brand of hell, in the form of a text message from our daughter. Things with her roommates had become unbearable, she felt she couldn't go back there with out major problems occurring. Yep, we moved her back in with us that night. I'm thrilled we are able to help her, but I'm not so happy she's back living with us.

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. On one hand, I understand completely that she's young and she will make mistakes. I even believe she understands that she will have to deal with the consequences of her decisions. But, I want to kill the people that have caused her pain. I don't care how old she is, she's my baby girl, don't mess with her or you'll have to face me. She won't let me do that though, I'm struggling to respect her wishes.

On the other hand, I want to shake her till her teeth rattle. There is absolutely no reason why she is dealing with some of the things she is now dealing with. We taught her better than that. I always believed the best way to empower my kids was to arm them with knowledge, so I did that. Apparently, given the situation she now finds herself in, she didn't pay as much attention to the things we tried to teach her as I thought she had.

These kinds of incidents don't leave much time for D/s or playtime. But, our relationship, including the D/s aspect of it actually runs pretty well on autopilot when needed. Musicman has been very tuned in to the storm of emotions that have come with this situation. He has stayed close, often pulling me into his arms or onto his lap for a moment of rest. He assures me every time, "everything is going to be okay...I promise." It reminds me that when I think I have no where to turn, I have him to turn to and I always will.

I know he doesn't know how this is all going to work out, but every time he says that to me, I believe him. Having her here in the house means curtailing some activities, but they haven't gone away. He understands I need the release that pain brings. I need the escape into subspace that only he can give me. We are both adjusting to once again playing quietly or playing on a time schedule. We don't like it much, but we are adjusting.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Ours was quiet, and despite the fact that we have a long way to go in getting our daughter back on her feet, despite the fact that the wi-fi connection is still spotty,despite everything, we have much to be thankful for and lots of lemonade too. I made plenty of pies, but the dog got the apple pie, so you'll have to settle for something else.



Sunday, November 18, 2012

What's a Liebster?

The lovely aisha nominated me for a Liebster award. Thank you aisha. She is currently writing a wonderful story called a Dash of Fantasy. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it, only not on your lunch hour. It's seriously hot, in a squirmy sorta way.

Now, on to the rules:
  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
I'm always honored to recieve an award and love to read the random things that such posts usually require. I have no problem sharing more about myself, though I do sometimes feel like there aren't too many random things left about myself to tell.  But, I'll give it a shot.

Okay, here we go, eleven random facts you may or may not know about me:

1. I played basketball and soccer growing up, but I'm definitely not the athletic type. Which basically means, I sucked at both of them, but my parents made me do it anyway.

2. I consider myself a very spiritual person, I believe in the energy of the universe.  I don't do organized religion of any kind, despite the fact that I've tried many of them and hold a great respect for them.

3. I was 16 years old the first time I saw a person die.

4. My favorite color is red.

5. I hate shoes and purses.

6. I love sun hats and sunglasses.

7. I practiced yoga for years, until a knee injury sidelined me.

8. I've never kissed a woman.

9. I've recently started to wonder what #8 might feel like. (Thanks Musicman!)

10.  I didn't get a driver's license until age 20, despite the fact that I started driving at 16.

11. I love my husband more than should be sanely acceptable and I don't care what any one else thinks about that.

Now, for the 11 questions:

1. Who was your most important role model?

My mother, though not in the way you might think. She was a totally negative role model. I learned from her, the things I DIDN'T want to be. She had no voice, she had no courage, she had no strength of character. I pity her, she's had a sad a life and has become a bitter old woman. "I won't be her" is a mantra for me. She is the reason I chase happiness and crave light in my life.

2. What’s your favorite meal?

Bacon cheeseburger, onion rings and a milkshake. Chocolate or strawberry, never vanilla.

3. What one food would you NEVER eat?

Anything that comes from the sea. Yuck!

4. What do you like best about being kinky?

Hmmm....what do I like best about being kinky? Wait...what...kinky? I'm not kinky!! I know, cause I asked Musicman. He said we aren't kinky, he said this is just what we do. Haahaaahaaa. I love everything about being kinky!

5. Do you have a hobby? What is it?

I've had several hobbies over the years: horticulture, jewelry maker, crocheting, but reading has always been my first and best love.

6. Is there a sexual position you haven’t tried that you’d like to?

Not really, we've pretty much tried every position our bodies allow for. I would like to try a sex swing once. I say once, because I'm a clutz. I'd probably break my neck trying to get either in, or out of it. Here's to hoping it's getting out of it.

7. When was the last time you danced with someone?

In June of this past summer, I wrote about it. The wedding dance I waited 26 years for. I wrote about it here.  It was a truly magical night for me.

8. Were you in a clique in high school? Which one?

No, I wasn't in a clique. I led a bit of a double life in highschool, I held a lot of things secret. I kind of moved on the fringes and quietly mixed with everyone. A chameleon of sorts. I learned a lot and I learned how to use what I learned to benefit me. It was a profitable time in my life.

9. If you could live in any time era, which one would you pick, and why?

This is actually a really difficult question for me. I'm a reader of history and there are many time periods I would love to explore. I'd love to be a lady of the manor in "olden times".  I'd love to be a flapper in the 20's. I'd love to be a flower child of the 60's. Just missed that last one by a hair.

10. Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Why?

Oh, I can't pick between the two. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE both of them. Yep, I feel that strongly about both of them.

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Yanno...if you had asked where I would visit? I would have said Scotland. I feel a strong pull to Scotland, would give anything to go there someday. But, you asked where I would live. As strongly as I'm pulled to visit Scotland....I know I would be happiest living somewhere tropical and sandy. Somewhere I could run barefoot all day long, tip my face up to receive the sun. That would be bliss to me.

On to the rest of the rules:


  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into ones blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!)


  • Okay, I can definitely do pasting the award on my blog(as long as I can figure out how to do that), I can even ask 11 questions(I think), but I don't think I can nominate other blogs. I don't like to choose, cause that feels like eliminating people from the conversation. I don't want to do that, I want to include everyone in the conversation. So, if any of the questions touch you, please, feel free to answer them. If you read here, and you don't blog, but want to contribute, email me, I'd love to host your thoughts. Here are my questions:

    1. Who gets to define normal in your life?
    2. Are you truly happy?
    3. What does true happiness look like to you?
    4. If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?
    5. Have you found the answer to life?
    6. What is your favorite color and what emotion does that color evoke for you?
    7. How important is sex in your life?
    8. What is more important than sex in your life?
    9. Do you believe in soul mates?
    10. Have you met yours?
    11. Do you play a musical instrument?

    I sincerely appreciate this award and hope ya'll will accept my methods and questions as intended. I hope they spark a moment of thought. Even if you never answer them for anyone else to see, I hope you'll at least try and answer some of them for yourself.



     

    Saturday, November 17, 2012

    Evolution of a Blowjob

    As many of you may already know, I'm a very proud member of the Cock Worshipping Sub Club, and have the plaque to prove it. I've recently wrapped up a project with Spanky in which he interviewed me about my thoughts on blowjobs. He interviewed both myself and Fondles. I found Fondles interview quite interesting and if you haven't read it you should give it a look see. I believe my interview will be posted next week, I hope ya'll will check it out. I'd love to here what you have to say about it.

    One of the reasons I found Fondles interview so interesting, is because I've always wondered what a "normal girl's" experience with blowjobs was like. My experience with them was definitely not normal. Blowjobs were a mainstay of my abuse which started when I was quite young. As near as I can figure I've been giving blowjobs for about 45 years now. I'm only 48.

    The interview however, does not speak about the abuse. That isn't what I wanted to talk about, and I highly doubt it's what Spanky or anyone else wants to hear. Once the abuse stopped I could have easily chosen to never give a blowjob again, after all, many women never do. That isn't what I chose to do though. I chose, in my own way, to turn a negative into a positive. I chose to take my power back and learn to love giving blowjobs. Much of what you will read in the interview(should you choose to read it) is about how I did that.

    Much of what you read in the interview are things no one but Musicman knows about me. And, I want to be very clear that Musicman does know these things about me. He knows as much about my past as he wanted to know, or I needed to tell. It never concerned him much though. He has always been way more focused on my future instead of my past. In fact, the only interest he has ever had in my past was what he needed to know to protect me. He's done exactly that too.

    I found the interview process to be quite a unique experience. I've never really had the chance to tell that particular part of my story in total before. As I knew it would, it took me on trip down memory lane. Sometimes that can be painful for me, but this time it wasn't. It really helped me realize how far I've come from the wounded young girl I used to be, to the woman I am now. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Spanky for that. Thanks Spanky!!!!

    As I said earlier, I believe the interview will be posted next week. I hope ya'll will take the time to stop by at Spanky's place and give it a read. You might find some of the things I have to say shocking, or you might identify with some of it, or both. No matter what your reaction, I hope you'll see it for what is, a story of triumph. I think it is anyway.




    Wednesday, November 14, 2012

    Unfocused

    So much too say and yet, no focus.

     LOL day was tons of fun even if I didn't have the chance to get out and visit anyone. I worked during the day, and my computer crashed that night. I used Musicman's computer to answer comments while he worked on getting mine back up and running. That actually took a few days and by then life had gotten in the way and I had no time or energy to write.

    I've been a bit preoccupied with vanilla life. The holidays are here, always a bit of a downer for me. Our daughter is having major issues and her moving back in with us is again on the table. She showed up Saturday to discuss the situation. A plan is in place, but so much of it depends on her that I feel kinda stuck in limbo about the whole situation.

    Her showing up effectively put an end to some plans for Saturday night. Ya see, Momma got herself some sexy do me boots. They're gorgeous, thigh high black suede, with 4 inch stiletto heels and shiny silver buttons from the toes up. Oh, do I ever have plans for those boots. Unfortunately, when she showed up Musicman stalled her at the door, while directing me upstairs to remove them. Apparently seeing your mother dressed as a common streetwalker is not recommended, lol.

    No, I did not necessarily need him to tell me that. I about broke my neck in those dang heels, scrambling up the steps, from the moment I realized someone was on our porch. A knee injury and series of subsequent surgeries, effectively put my heel wearing days on hold quite awhile ago.  But these boots are so gorgeous, and at 1/5 of the price, I simply couldn't pass them up.  I haven't had the chance to wear them since because I discovered something, the hard way. I discovered that using a hair depilatory on your legs and then encasing them in leather is not such a great idea.

    I have a chemical burn on my legs. A nasty red, raised rash that hurts and itches like the dickens. Having to work the last few days and wear pants has been quite uncomfortable. But, they are starting to heal and I should be donning the boots again soon. Stay tuned for further adventures with them.

    I've also been winding up the blowjob interview I've been doing with Spanky. It's been an interesting experience and has taken me down memory lane in so many ways. His interview with Fondles is up now. If you haven't read it you should stop by and check it out. I've found it very interesting and I'm sure they would both appreciate the feedback. I know I would.

    I also have something new on my plate. I've received an invitation to write for a new website. I was invited to be a relationship expert. First of all, I just have to say, I'm floored that anyone would think I'm an expert at anything. Though, I suppose if I were going to claim expertise in any area, relationships might be it. I have had a happy successful relationship with Musicman for 27 years, so maybe this is another way to share that.

    I'm checking out the site now and haven't really decided if it's what I want to do. I've discussed it with Musicman and he thinks I should do it. But, he's always had more faith in my abilities then I have. I think I'm hung up on the fact that it is a money oriented site. They want people to pay me for my advice. I've got issues with that. Despite what society requires, I'm not a money oriented person.

    If someone wants my advice, really wants my advice, I'd give it to them for free. Successful relationships are of the utmost importance to me. They can make for a happy life ,or not, if you don't find one. At the very least, they are a lot of hard work. I happen to think they are worth the effort, and I'm more then willing to share my experiences and what I've learned about them. I just don't know if I want to sully it by placing a dollar value on it. Yet, I see where maybe this could lead to something I might really enjoy and benefit from. As you might be able to tell, I'm still kinda torn about this opportunity. Any thoughts on this subject are greatly appreciated.

    Other then all that, things here are great. Life continues, playtime continues, the snow continues to fall and life moves on. Maybe tomorrow I will be more focused.


    Friday, November 9, 2012

    Love Our Lurkers

    Yay!!!!! Today is Love our Lurkers Day.

    I'm so happy to celebrate this day. Like so many I started out as a lurker. I loved reading about everyones adventures. I fantasized about a D/s lifestyle and wanted it for myself. But, I was afraid. I was afraid to comment because that little white box intimidated me. I was afraid I wouldn't fit in, or I would say something stupid. It seemed liked eaves dropping and I was afraid to reveal myself. Yet, I still identified with so many of the submissive, spanko women in this community.

                                                                                    

    Eventually I found the courage to start commenting. Guess what? It didn't hurt a bit, no one criticized or belittled me. In fact I was welcomed and encouraged. Shortly after that I started my own blog, my own little corner in this lovely community. People started to read, and leave me comments, that's when I learned how accepting and supportive this community is. It soon felt like home to me.

    Over the past year that I've been here I have made so many friends that it is hard to remember that I once found it intimidating to comment. So, if you are reading here and you've never left a comment, let me be the encouraging push you might need.

    If you want, just say hello and let me know you were here. I don't bite, unless asked, and I won't belittle or discourage anything you might want to share. As long as you are respectful in the manner you leave the comment, even opposing comments are appreciated. Sometimes I need that kick in the butt to get over myself already. If you're the shy sort, but still want to chat, you can always send me an email. I list my email address on the top left of the blog and I assure you, I would never share with anyone without the authors permission.


    I also list quite few blogs I enjoy on my blog roll. Maybe you've taken a peak and even stopped in to visit with some of my friends. If you haven't, let me encourage you to do so, they are wonderful folks. Feel free to let them now faerie sent you.








    Thursday, November 8, 2012

    He's Lurking

    Tomorrow is Love our Lurkers day. I have to work, but my post is written and ready to go. This is the second year I've participated in Love our Lurkers day. Since, like most of us, I started out as a lurker it seemed like a no brainer to participate.

    There is one lurker in particular I would love too hear from, but doubt that will ever happen. That lurker is Musicman. He reads every post I write, but has never left a comment. He rarely ever comments about my writing in any form. Sometimes, days or weeks later, he may make a comment in passing that refers to a post I've written, but that's about it. The more likely scenario is that he will say nothing, but act on something I've written. That's usually how I know that he continues to read here.

    When I took a break from blogging last month I thought he would be relieved. I often felt like I was shoving all this in his face. Like he wouldn't be bothered at all if I let it go. I said as much to him when he asked me about it. I was quite happily surprised to know he didn't feel that way. He actually said he liked when I shoved it in his face. And yes, I got the double entendre, as he intended.

    Over the last year that I have been blogging I have encouraged him to read other blogs, but he doesn't. Sometimes when I run across a post that particularly grabs me I would email it to him. I always let him know that I've sent the email, and I assume he reads it and the post I've linked too. I don't know for sure though because he never comments on it.

    Something happened just recently that lets me know he does on occasion read other blogs. I left a comment on a blog. Not so unusual, I comment as often as I can. I don't always have the time to leave a comment, especially if I'm reading on my lunch hour. Even though I knew chances of him ever seeing any of the comments I leave where slim,  I have always been respectful of him and our relationship and not said anything I thought he might disapprove of, until recently.

    I recently left a comment that I knew when I was writing it, he wouldn't be pleased about if he saw it. I could have skipped it or said something different, but I didn't. I actually had the thought that if he sees this comment he would say something. The comment I left was an honest comment, I would never say something in a comment that wasn't honest, but I did sorta set him up too.

    It worked, he saw the comment and mentioned it to me. He wasn't too upset about it, but he did have a point to make about it. He made his point and I understood what he had to say about it. Of course I had a point too. He listened to my point and I believe he understood, so all's well that ends well.

    But now I'm left wondering about which blogs he reads. He says he just reads occasionally when a title grabs his attention. I certainly understand that, and while I'm thrilled he is reading other blogs on occasion, it also makes me a bit nervous. The man already has my head spinning with the things he comes up with, I'm not sure he needs any help.

    Tomorrow is Love our Lurkers day, the day we all encourage our lurkers to come out of hiding and say Hi. I highly doubt Musicman will do that, in fact I would likely fall over in a dead faint if he ever left a comment here. But, I know he lurks here, and now I know he lurks other places as well.

     


    Tuesday, November 6, 2012

    Happily, I Dance

    I've been thinking a lot about energy lately, personal energy that is. I see peoples personal energy as colors. I guess it would commonly be known as aura's. It's one of those things that I have always taken for granted and never really examined very closely. It's sorta normal for me, but makes people look at me funny if I mention it, so I usually don't.

    It's that bitch at work that has made me think of it so much. Her energy is very dark, it rolls off her in waves. I do my best to stay out of her wake, but sometimes I get caught in a riptide. She's toxic. I don't swim well and find it exhausting.

    I've followed this thought out some, it has made me remember that Musicman has that same dark energy. But, his dark energy attracts me, it feeds me. It settles and balances me. His darkness doesn't overwhelm me, it enhances and highlights me. In that way, his energy sets the tone of our relationship.

    He lets me be the shining light. The focus of everything, yet, behind the dark curtain, he maintains control. Often, I burn too bright, implosion iminent. His energy, so dark and absorbinging, cradles me in safety. Insulates me from the harshness of a too bright world.

    His darkness collides with my bright energy, explosions occur. Darkness and brightness do not mix, or create grey.  Souls mingle and burst, into the most brilliant of colors. I wonder some times, does he understand the power he holds in his hands.

    Is he the puppet master?

    I dance.

    I hear his tune.

    Happily, I dance.



    Sunday, November 4, 2012

    A Snowy Sunday Afternoon

    It's cold and snowy here today. I'm not ready for snow yet, but then again, I'm never ready for the snow. Regardless of the snow falling we were up and out early to get errands done. Then home to get chores done. I usually take care of this stuff on Saturdays, but Musicman worked yesterday. When he works on Saturdays I usually don't get much of his time, so I planned a full day for myself. I started with breakfast with my bestest girlfriend and then the rest of the day at the tattoo shop. 

    Sadly it was not me getting inked this time, it was my son. I'm a bit of an unconventional Mom and gave both my kids their first tattoos for their 16th birthdays. My son's was delayed a year due to some poor choices on his part. Please note, I never forced or suggested that either of them get tattoo's. It was always their choice and a way to keep them from having their friends give them an ugly homemade one. Anyway, I will get mine in a few weeks, hopefully.

    It's sort of amazing how disconnected I become with just a day away from Musicman. It's not necessarily a physical distance from him that causes it though. No, it happens when he is overtired and just doesn't seem to notice I'm there. I know this happens when he works extra hours, I expect it even, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

    That's what I told him when he questioned my mood. I totally understand that he has a physically demanding job. I know that when he works on a weekend he will be tired and most likely playtime won't happen. I accept that, but I will never like it. Imagine my surpise when he started giving me unsolicited help with the chores. I certainly appreciated it, but I never considered the fact that he had an ulterior motive.

    It all became clear to me when he directed me to go take a shower. I usually always wait until the chores are done before showering. It doesn't make sense to me to shower before the dirty work is done, it's a waste of time and water. He made it very clear to me that he had afternoon plans for me. So, like the good little sub I claim to be, off to the shower I went.

    Another reason, other then him being tired, that I didn't think there would be much playtime this weekend is I have bruises on my backside from Thursday night. They don't hurt and I didn't even know they were there until he spotted them and remarked about it Friday night. Drat, he isn't pleased when he leaves bruises and usually won't spank at all until they are gone. I really need to remember to take my iron pills, they help quite bit in preventing bruising.

    So, while there was no conventional spanking, other body parts sure did receive some attention. First he undressed me, then he put the blindfold on. I am really starting to love that blindfold. Then he arranged me just the way he wanted, on my back on the lounge. Then he started in with issuing directions on what I was to do. I'll let you guess what that was, but apparently he liked the video I made for him.

    He knows me well and was prepared for me to balk a bit at those instructions. The flogger quickly took care of any resistance on my part.  While my bruised backside is off limits, everything else is fair game. Ummmm...I do love the flogger, anywhere he wishes to apply it and apply it he did.

    He was quite vigilant with continuing to issue instructions on exactly what he wanted from me while he retrieved the leather paddle. Oh yes, sufficiently warmed up from the flogger, the leather paddle sent me spinning into another world. By the time he stopped with the paddle he no longer needed to give me instructions on what he wanted, I understood perfectly and complied easily.

    The glass dildo was the next thing to enter the scene. At that point, the only words I could manage in reply to everything he said was a gasped, "yes sir". Throughtout all this he had been weaving a very erotic tail that served to increase the excitment exponentially for both of us. He recently commented to me, that in those moments he could get me to agree to do anything, I couldn't argue with that logic. It still amazes me the heights he can take me too.

    My shower was quite effectively ruined. My body is just a touch sore in all the best places. The chores are all done and by the time Musicman's football game came on I was one content and well used woman. That's my kind of Sunday afternoon. 


    Saturday, November 3, 2012

    24 Hours

    Thursday night, we're snuggled up in bed. Many things, too mundane to share, have left me somewhat frustrated. I'm blindsided by a rogue hormone and despite my attempts to suppress them, the tears start to fall. I don't want him to know, I silently turn away.

    He knows me too well, he doesn't accept my actions. He reaches to caress my face, searching for the silent tears he suspects are falling. I could fool any and every one in my life with my silent tears, learned so long ago. Not him, I've never been able to fool him.

    He pulls me to him, safe, enfolded in his arms.

    What's wrong, what can I do to help?

    I don't know.
    It's nothing.
    Just a rogue hormone.
    I'm fine.

    You might be fine, but I want you to be better than fine.

    At a loss for words, I shrug and remain silent, because I have no answers to give.

    He doesn't accept that either. He flips me over his lap while reaching for the paddle. I don't know why and I don't care why, but from the first stroke of the paddle I begin to be better than fine.

    Later, much later, I fall asleep in his arms. I'm now much better than fine. The silent tears long since ceased.

    Friday morning, we lurch awake and stagger from our cozy nest. I fall into his arms and he tilts his head so I can snuggle in and kiss his neck. He holds me tight for just a moment while I continue to rain kisses upon him. Too soon we must part and get on with our day.

    Friday evening, a long day behind us, tired and weary, we seek solace in each other, snuggled again in our bed.

    What are you grinning about?

    Am I grinning? I hadn't realized that I was.

    Yes, you're grinning. What about?

    I'm thinking about you in my mouth. I want to suck your cock. I want to feel you deep in my throat.

    Have I mentioned that I'm a very spoiled girl and he gives me everything I want?










    Thursday, November 1, 2012

    Good Girls Don't

    I often read that many subs have rules, we don't and that's okay. The one rule I see quite a bit is the no masturbation without permission rule. If we had rules, I think this would be the perfect one for me. I would never break that rule, cause I don't masturbate, ever. I never really learned how, cause I never needed to know how. A lack of sex partners has never been an issue for me and I saw no other reason to do it.

    I will say that watching me masturbate is something Musicman would like to see. I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, how many times I have actually done this for him. I'm just not very comfortable with doing it and have only recently tried to learn how.

    I'm trying to learn not because I want to do it, or because he is pushing me to do it, he isn't. It just seems like such a silly hangup to have. Also the urge to please him is something I feel strongly, but in this situation, hasn't helped me much. Every time I convince myself I am going to do it for him, I have chickened out.

    Yep, that's me, a big, huge chicken. But, the more I think about it, the more I would like to get past this hangup. I don't think it is ever anything I would do on a regular basis, but it would be nice to be able to do it for him. I'm mean really, what middle aged woman who isn't a nun can't masturbate? Ridiculous really.

    I know a lot of women were told growing up that good girls don't do that. I was never told that, in fact I was never told anything about sex. It might actually be easier for me to do if I thought good girls didn't do it, cause I've never been a good girl. Good girls don't have periods of time in their life they refer to as the "slut years."

    I think my hangup is more about embarrassment then anything else. What if I try and it doesn't work? What if I look totally ridiculous when I do it? What if, what if, what if....I could drown in all the what ifs I can come up with. It would really be easier to just forget about it, but I've never been the type to take the easy way out. Besides that, if I can get past all the what ifs and actually do it, well, he would be pleased and that would make me happy.

    So, I had a brilliant idea or at least it seemed brilliant at the time. Now that I've actually done it, I'm a bit nervous. What was the brilliant idea you ask? I made a video of myself and emailed it to him. Of course, if you read here with any regularity you know Musicman doesn't check his email on any kind of regular basis. That means I have to actually find the nerve to tell him I sent the email.

    I'm already trying to think of a good place to run and hide after I tell him.



    Just a quick update, apparently there was a "what if" I hadn't considered. What if I do all this and then can't send the damn email. My camera battery died shortly after I did the video, so I plugged it in to charge while I wrote this post. I waited to actually publish the post to make sure it worked, it didn't. I've been trying for hours and have no idea what the problem is but the email won't send.

    I'm frustrated and disproportionately upset about it all. This was supposed to be something simple to please him and I can't seem to manage even that. So if he is ever to see the video he will have to view it on the camera. So if anyone who knows something about this tech stuff can tell me what I'm doing wrong, it would be greatly appreciated. In the mean time, I hope you at least had a good laugh about it all.