Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Never Wanted

As a young woman I never wanted to be a Mother. I told Musicman before we married I never wanted to have children. I didn't feel I could be a good mother. I had no understanding of the mother/child bond due to the way I was raised. Musicman understood that and had no problems with it.

After a few years of being a part of his family, I began to understand the concept of a loving family. I began to understand that not all families cause pain and unhappiness. I began to understand that families are not something to survive and escape. I started to want children. I wanted HIS children.

I fought the urge to have children for quite a while, a few years actually, before talking with Musicman about it. He was just as supportive of my decision to have children as he had been of my earlier decision not to have children. One of the things we discussed was the fact that if we became parents, they would not come between "us". The "us" we had worked so hard to create.

We've done a good job over the years of doing that. We don't necessarily parent the same way, but the way each of us parents compliments the other. I'm the talker, the one that takes the lead when dealing with our children, but I'm not the decision maker. We do that together, always. Our kids come to me with what ever they need or want, and I go to him. Together we make the decisions that need to be made.

Sometimes as a parent you are faced with a situation that requires you to do things that break your heart. Things that must be done for the good of everyone involved. Things that must be done for the safety and well being of the family. Those things often have the potential to tear a couple apart.

There was an incident such as this last night with our son. It was violent and out of control. Pain was caused, tears were shed, emotions a raw and open wound. It held the potential to cause an irreparable tear in "us". There were moments when I really thought it would be the end of "us".

In the end, after the pain, after the tears, after the hard choices were made, we came together. We sought solace in each other. We generated the healing energy that starts to repair "us". There's more work to do and it will be hard, but we will do it together. We will find the strength we need, to make the hard decisions to help our son and protect everyone, in each other. I couldn't have it any other way.



35 comments:

  1. I wish you and yours the strength you need. Let your love and respect for each other be your friend, and you'll come out of this better and stronger.

    Hugs, Julia

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    1. Thanks Julia, it's not gonna be easy, but we will remain "us". And, like the song says, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

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  2. It's so hard at times to get through some things children can put you through.
    We recently have had some very rough roads with our teenaged daughter.
    Becoming a team with my "H" has been the only way through for us, as we found out early she'd pit us against one another.
    We have let her cause fights between us and then all three of us are distant and irritated with one another. It makes things insane! I hate the feeling from it.

    I really cant imagine trying to be a parent in these years alone.

    Thank goodness you have the "US" and hopefully things will work themselves out together.

    hugs!

    -Emi

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    1. I feel for ya girl, teenagers are tough. We've never let the kids come between us, it's something we have always been very attentive too. This whole situation is just a nightmare right now. We just have to remember that we can handle anything, together.

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  3. It's so important to feel like you are truly on the same team as parents...for both the good stuff and the bad. I love how his love and support led you to desire creating a family of your own with him.

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    1. If it weren't for him and his family, I would have never had a family of my own. We are a tight team when it comes to dealing with the kids, I couldn't have done it with out that, with out him.

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  4. Thinking of you and sending hugs and strength...may you always have the strength of "US" with your music man to help support you and your family and each other. Terps

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, the support of friends always helps too :)

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  5. Oh faerie, it can be the hardest thing, parenting and staying healthy in your relationship with your spouse. It does break your heart at times and fills your heart at others. I know it had to be so hard to repair "you" when there is so much emotion and pain. I'm sending good, loving, healing energy your way. Take care of each other!

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    1. We've definitely had our share of heartbreak with our kids. And, we'll most likely have more. We are a very united front with our kids, this is just one of those times as a parent that you hope you never have to face.

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  6. I am a single mom to a 16 year old son. I can't even imagine having to face anything violent or out of control although I do know it is possible in the world we live today.

    Wishing you continued strength together and easier days ahead.

    ~faithful

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    1. I can't even imagine being a single parent, I applaud you. We love our son very much, but he's a bit of a tough kid and we've faced our share of issues with him over the last few years. Knowing that, I can say we were both trully blindsided by what happened with him the other night.

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  7. Hugs....being a parent can be the best and the worst job in the world...it is good the two of you can see different sides, make a decision and then support each other. all difficult tasks..
    abby

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    1. Being a team, a united front, is something we promised each other before we ever had kids. We started out knowing that if we did our jobs right, they would grow and be independent adults. We wanted to make sure that when that day came we would still have "us." We've done that, we just have very tough, stubborn kids. Can't imagine where they get that from ;)

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    2. Oh yeah, I forgot, welcome back, hope you are fealing better soon. I'm still having computer issues and haven't been able to comment as I would like, but I'm still reading :)

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  8. Being a mother is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had but it is also the hardest. And keeping the "us" going has not been easy. Keep holding on. It is possible even when things go wrong.

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    1. I suppose it's a good thing I didn't know HOW hard it would be to be a parent. If I had, I probably wouldn't have done it, then I would have missed all the great things about being a Mom. I'll keep holding on, you do the same :)

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  9. If you can get through the teens you can get through anything Faerie xxxx

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    1. Yep, that's what I've always thought too :) I'm almost there, just 10 more months. Both comforting and scary that thought is.

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  10. Those children must really stop with causing issues. First the daughter, now the son.
    I know it is their job to cause problems, all kids do that sometime, but enough is enough. This interferes with your learning to fly!
    I wish you and Musicman strength.

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    1. Thank you Bas, and I couldn't agree more :) Our son had been doing better recently, and this kinda blindsided us.

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  11. One thing Dave and I are seeing so very clearly now that all of our children are adults is that when the parenting of 'children' is finished life is as it was; it began with just the two of us, and it is once again just the two of us. We were able to remain a strong 'us' as our children were growing up, and we are a stronger 'us' now. Yes, the days are challenging and you want to raise them to the best of your ability and teach them all you want them to know, but you have to mostly tend to what was first and what will continue to be after the children fly out of the nest. It's not easy, but it is doable. (((hugs)) to you faerie.

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    1. That's something we talked extensively about before we had kids. We knew we had to maintain our connection first, that we couldn't lose that to the kids. We've loved raising our kids, but we've always looked forward to the empty nest days too. Your, right when you say, it's not easy, but it's doable. We will continuing doing as long we we have too.

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  12. Your last paragraph said it all. No matter what, how bad, how traumatic, you hang onto each other. The kids are nearly grown. Whether they fly the coop or you have to kick them out, hang onto each other!!!

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. We are, and needless to say, I spoke too fast in my last email. I'm not sure what happened, but I didn't see this coming. Can I run away NOW? LOL...I'm desperately trying to hang on to my sense of humor, cause if I don't laugh, I'll cry. That never helps the situation.

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  13. Sending peace and strength and big HUGE hugs! Parenting sure isn't easy!

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    1. No, it's not!!! Thanks for the support, it helps :)

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  14. You start out as the two of you and should end as the two of you. Children should not come between you, they are made of the two of you and should not tear you apart. I'm glad you haven't let that happen.

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    1. Yeah, that's how we've always seen it too. Our kids just seriously need to cut us a break right about now though, lol. We're hanging in and hanging on, praying for easier days to come. Soon, hopefully.

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  15. You two have been through some hard times with your children over this past while. I'm so sorry...but it is also good to see how you are parenting together and finding strength in each other at the end of the day. Sending hugs and a hope for some peace.

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    1. Thanks Susie, our kids have been going through a lot of struggles lately. As parents, it breaks our hearts and frustrates us beyond words. As a couple, we've always been pretty tight and this is one of those things, that in the end will make us tighter.

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  16. As a parent of a teen I know the challenges. My husband and I were not always perfect, but we figure that they know how much we love them. I guess we just keep trying to reach them without destroying our partner relationships.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words Minelle. Right now I don't know what my kids think and I'm not so sure I want to know. What I do know for sure, is that they will not come between us.

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  17. (((HUGS))) our eldest will be 16 in January. It isn't easy! Plus we have five more who will, I trust, be teenagers too some day (yes we're barking!)

    I agree so much with you. my mother (whom I adore and have a great relationship with) always said - 'husband and children first, IN THAT ORDER!' and she was right. We're a team, that's what makes us such great parents... (or rather, that's what ensures we'll survive BEING parents!)

    xx

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    1. God bless you, I can't even fathom having to deal with 6 kids. I've said for years I have 2 kids cause I didn't want 3, lol. Your Mother is a wise lady and yes, I do puit my husband first over my children. My kids may think that makes me a bad mother, but I know better.

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