I Never Wanted

As a young woman I never wanted to be a Mother. I told Musicman before we married I never wanted to have children. I didn't feel I could be a good mother. I had no understanding of the mother/child bond due to the way I was raised. Musicman understood that and had no problems with it.

After a few years of being a part of his family, I began to understand the concept of a loving family. I began to understand that not all families cause pain and unhappiness. I began to understand that families are not something to survive and escape. I started to want children. I wanted HIS children.

I fought the urge to have children for quite a while, a few years actually, before talking with Musicman about it. He was just as supportive of my decision to have children as he had been of my earlier decision not to have children. One of the things we discussed was the fact that if we became parents, they would not come between "us". The "us" we had worked so hard to create.

We've done a good job over the years of doing that. We don't necessarily parent the same way, but the way each of us parents compliments the other. I'm the talker, the one that takes the lead when dealing with our children, but I'm not the decision maker. We do that together, always. Our kids come to me with what ever they need or want, and I go to him. Together we make the decisions that need to be made.

Sometimes as a parent you are faced with a situation that requires you to do things that break your heart. Things that must be done for the good of everyone involved. Things that must be done for the safety and well being of the family. Those things often have the potential to tear a couple apart.

There was an incident such as this last night with our son. It was violent and out of control. Pain was caused, tears were shed, emotions a raw and open wound. It held the potential to cause an irreparable tear in "us". There were moments when I really thought it would be the end of "us".

In the end, after the pain, after the tears, after the hard choices were made, we came together. We sought solace in each other. We generated the healing energy that starts to repair "us". There's more work to do and it will be hard, but we will do it together. We will find the strength we need, to make the hard decisions to help our son and protect everyone, in each other. I couldn't have it any other way.