Saturday, December 31, 2011

Seeing Things Differently

Needless to say I have been feeling the distance between myself and Musicman. I really haven't stopped to think about it much, for one I haven't had much time to think, and because I have felt this distance before and thought I knew what the cause was.

I thought the cause was him being sick, this is the way I felt when he had the transplant 12 years ago. I thought it was just me going into caregiver mode. Being that I am a healthcare professional I thought it was normal to only allow myself to deal with the technical side of things so to speak. It is an automatic thing for me, someone is sick, it is my job to care for them until they are better. I also figured it was a coping mechanism, something I needed to do to get through.

Something happened this morning that made me see it differently. Musicman was feeling well enough to get out of the house and I needed to go to the grocery store, so off we went.

As I parked and got out of the van a man was standing a few cars away, he started to yell at me, apparently he didn't like my driving. Normally I would have thought nothing of it and just kept on walking. I'm ashamed to say I did not do that today. No, I attacked back, I told him "back the fuck off or I'll jam your nuts so far up your throat you'll be picking them out of your teeth for a week."  Then he made a fatal mistake, he laughed and kept running his mouth, egging me on. I saw red, dropped my purse and started to charge.

Thank the powers that be that by that time Musicman had managed to get out of the van and had come up behind me. I had forgotten that he was even with me. His hand on my shoulder and his calm voice telling me to "settle down" was all it took for me to realize what I was about to do. I probably would have gotten hurt, but I really thought in that minute that I could have at least taken that guy out in the process. Once he realized I wasn't alone he backed right down and we went on about the business of shopping.

This incident has been playing over and over in my mind since. This is not the way I would normally have handled this situation, at least not since Musicman came into my life. The old faerie, the one I was before Musicman, yeah, she wouldn't have stopped till everyone was awash in blood and not thought twice about it. But that was a long time ago, so why now?

I really think the distance I have been putting between Musicman and myself is not just me being a caregiver, not an automatic coping mechanism. No, I think it was me preparing to live without Musicman if things didn't go well. It saddens me that after all these years I still haven't allowed myself to soften much, to show my vulnerability. I let Musicman see it, I'm soft with him, but let something threaten it and I revert right back to my old ways. Maybe that's normal, I really don't know, but I find it sad. I really don't like being that way, attack first ask questions later.

I've always told Musicman I want to die the day before you do so I don't have to live a day without you. I think I may need to warn my kids that if that doesn't happen they may want to frisk me on a frequent basis cause I'm gonna be the only old lady in the nursing home who is palming a switch blade. And yes, sad to say, but I do still have the blade I carried before I met Musicman.

The positive note of this encounter, the distance is gone, I now know Musicman is here with me and no matter how sick he is he will always protect me, even if it's from myself.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Looking Forward to 2012

Well, after dumping my frustration here in my last post I got down to business. I called Doc to let him know what was going on. I did not realize he was on vacation and over 1,000 miles away, but he is a good guy and helped me.

We spent yesterday morning at an outpatient clinic having more tests done, then off to the ER for even more tests. Musicman has developed a bilateral Plueral Effusion, yuck. His vital signs were stable so they opted not to re-admit him to the hospital. We did however have to go back today to have a Thoracentesis done. They took over a liter of fluid out of one lung, no wonder he had no breath sounds on that side. He is doing much better now, able to breath without wheezing and move around without too much pain. The next several weeks will be filled with more tests and doctor appointments, but, fingers crossed we are on the road to recovery finally.

I am bummed that we can't celebrate New Year's in our usual fashion, but it could be worse, he could be back in the hospital.

For the last 2 decades we have celebrated New Year's in the same way. We have a few drinks and our favorite snacks, watch a movie or maybe a comedy special and then we curl up together in bed. We have the TV on with the sound turned down, cause I really like to watch the ball drop, our favorite music is on in the background.

Yes, we make a point of ending the old year and beginning the new one doing the same thing every year, sex. I think orgasms galore is a great way to usher out the old and greet the new year.
I don't think that is happening this year, but I have decided that since we missed the entire holiday season, we will just move it to a more convenient time for us, maybe mid January, lol.

This may not be the way I anticipated the holiday season being, but as I look back on the last year I am very happy with the things I have accomplished. I feel like I am on the brink of an exciting new year. I have gone through major changes in almost every aspect of my life in this last year, and while many where stressful and more painful than I ever thought they could be, I am in a good place and looking forward to what life has to offer in the coming year.

Happy New Year everyone and please be safe.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Nurse Faerie Looses Her Mind

Warning the following post is going to be a rant.

You now it's not going to be the best of days when you get out of bed pissed off at the world. I can't even blame it on lack of sleep because I have been sleeping pretty well. No, I am just super frustrated right now, but I don't like to deal with frustration when there is nothing that can be done to change the situation, so I get mad.

If I was the type to throw things and break things I wouldn't have a dish left. Good thing I'm not like that, I guess. But it would feel so good right now.

Often when I get this mad I contemplate running away, just packing a few things and leaving. If I had somewhere to run to I'd be gone.

Then of course there is the guilt of feeling this way. I mean really, who gets mad at someone for being sick? He isn't exactly having the time of his life either. Unfortunately for all the years we have been together I have always deferred to him. If he made a bad choice, he had to deal with it. But this is different, whether he likes it or not(he doesn't) I know better this time. I'll be honest, I don't particularly like being the one who knows better, because he still doesn't listen to me. Well, that's not exactly right, he listens, then he does whatever he wants anyway.

IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO WHAT I SAY, STOP COMPLAINING.

Rationally I know what he is going through is not easy, but if he would just do what I say he would feel better. This is the perfect example of being a submissive wife coming back to bite me in the ass.  He isn't used to having someone else, even me, make decisions for him. I don't want to make the decisions, I've had decades of him making the decisions, and he usually makes very good ones. I have never regretted that I chose to let him be the leader in this relationship, until now. Sure I can blame it on the fact that he is in pain, and taking pain pills does not make for a clear head, but if I hear one more whine or one more complaint I may just scream at the man. Not recommended in bedside 101 by the way. And all that will accomplish is to make him as mad as I am, good way to cultivate marital harmony.

Maybe I should consider becoming a switch, maybe a good spanking will get him with the program. Okay, this is where I go, ewww, not in this lifetime.

 All right, I don't feel like I want to kill someone right now, so I'm going to go get in the shower and get my day started and hope I can keep things under control. If you should happen to run across an angry woman driving around aimlessly, give me a wave, I've run away from home and am probably lost.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Adventures of Nurse Faerie

Ever have the need to write, but have nothing to say? Nothing wise, nothing witty, nothing wonderful makes for a whiny post.

Musicman is doing well but it is slow going. He is able to do more and  more for himself everyday, but I'm firmly in nurse mode at the moment. Managing meds and doctor appointments, feeding and clothing and blah blah blah. Yep, that's what it feels like, that's what I feel like, blah blah blah.

Musicman is very frustrated right now, he does not do weak well. The more he sees me moving and doing the worse it gets. I try to remember when he has an outburst that not only is he dealing with a lot of pain, but it must be very emasculating for him. He is not the type of guy to sit around doing nothing while I run around like a headless chicken. But things have to be that way right now.

We are both feeling the frustration of not being able to be together. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and that's just way too long for either of us. Of course, we could try, but me moving around too much in the bed causes him pain, so it's not really practical right now. His incisions are not healed yet and between the cath and the surgery he is a giant bruise from his collar bone to his heel, not really play inducing.

I keep telling myself this too will pass and try to remember how grateful I am that we found this in time and fixed it. Sometimes that just isn't enough, I need my big strong husband back, and he needs to be back.

I'm off to clean and do some laundry and fantasize about the day he is well again.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Just A Week Ago

It is very hard to believe that it was just a week ago today I was posting updates from the hospital waiting room as my husband went through surgery, it seems a lifetime ago.

We are not celebrating christmas in a traditional way this year, there are no presents or cookies, no tree or eggnog, no tinsel or wrapping paper. Yet, for me this will be one of the most joyful christmases ever.

I could so easily have lost the most important person in my life. Musicman is not only my husband, he is my best friend, he is my protector, my confidante, my lover. I have spent over half my life with him and fully intend to grow old with him. Now that he is home and improving daily I am sleeping better than I have for quite awhile. My thoughts are clearing some and I have realized just how close I came to not having him with me. I refuse to even consider what my life would be like without him, instead I am going to focus on all the small improvements he is making.

The first sight of him after surgery, laying in the bed in ICU, still unconscious, all the tubes, the worst of which was the ventilator. I thought I was prepared for that, I wasn't. Instead of that image I am going to focus on the insane thought of how happy I was that they didn't shave his beard. I love his beard, the way it feels on my freshly shaved lady parts is devine. The way it gets covered in my juices. I have learned to like the taste of myself on his beard. If I stop for just a second I remember what it feels like to feel the drops fall from his beard onto my body as he moves up to enter me. It's been a week and the hair on his neck that he usually keeps shaved has grown in, I'm looking forward to the day he is strong enough to shave as he has a particular spot on his neck where I love to snuggle and lick and plant little kisses.

Watching him for so many days laying in that hospital bed, too weak to get up on his own. I don't think I can even describe the way it felt the first time he stood on his own and I could look up at him again.  It's the same feeling as when I am on my knees at his feet, his hand in my hair, tugging my head back so he can see my eyes as he comes on my face, oh yes, that's what it feels like. I want that again, and I will have it, in time.

So many nights, just wanting to crawl into that horrible little hospital bed with him, just to be close to him. It wasn't possible, I had to be content with sitting as close to the bed as I could and touching him. The first night home, he was settled in our big waterbed, I didn't know if I should try to lay down with him as he was in so much pain and I didn't want to make it worse. Even in a haze of pain and pain pills, he said, "come lay with me," the sweetest words I've ever heard. I can't yet lay on his chest with his arm around me, my place of ultimate peace, but I will again, in time. I will trace his scar with my tongue, I  love the taste of his skin, I will follow that scar down his chest and continue on until I fill my mouth with him. If I stop for just a second I remember what it feels like to feel him pushing down my throat as he fucks my face just the way I like.

I have often told my husband living with him is like living with an octopus. He is all hands, constantly touching me, caressing me. A swat on my butt as I'm bent over the dishwasher, or a squeeze on my breast as I walk past him. I don't think I even realized how much I missed his touch, until he sat next to me on the lounge in our room yesterday and just caressed my leg, the gentle touch of his hand tracing the curve of my bottom as I bent over to retrieve something that had been dropped. This morning, him, sitting on the edge of our bed with his arms open, beckoning me to walk in to them. I have that again and don't have to wait. Those small gestures will hold me for a time while he recovers.

We may not be celebrating a traditional christmas, but we will rejoice in the small gestures that mean so much and hold the promise of more.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

One More Night

It looks like one more night alone for me. I tried my best to get the doctor to let Musicman come home today, like they told us, but no go. They are concerned that his oxygen saturation dips too low with activity. It took me pointing out that putting the monitor for it on his finger may not be very accurate. I was right, but they still wouldn't change there minds.

Musicman makes his living with his hands, and he plays guitar, he has calluses on his calluses. For highly educated people they missed the obvious. Frustrating, but nothing more I can do about it, except wait one more night.

I am looking forward to him being home for many reasons. First and foremost I miss him. At the best of times I don't sleep well, when I'm stressed I don't sleep at all. I am not used to sleeping alone, add to that the stress of all this and forget it, it's just not happening, unless I'm totally physically exhausted. Oh well, this too shall pass.

The second reason is a lot more fun. The doctors have told us that given the physicality of his job it will be three months before he can go back to work. It will take that long for the bone to heal totally. Yes folks, 3 whole months home with my honey, ALL ALONE.  Between school and work our son is gone for 12 hours everyday. Hmmm...wonder what we can do to keep ourselves occupied?

With him not working, money is going to be tight, so no frivolous spending, which leaves out going anywhere that cost anything. The weather here for the next 3 months is prime snow time, so no going outside.

He will have to keep busy, as he doesn't do well when he is not productive, and the exercise is important for his recovery. One of the areas he is going to have to work on is getting his arm strength back and the range of motion in his shoulders is impaired right now which will need to be addressed. I have a therapy background and have already thought of a few ways to get that range of motion in his shoulders as well as the arm strength back. Any guesses what I might be referring too?

We had to attend a discharge class today, they reviewed what we can expect over the next few months and any activity restrictions. They gave us a book and it says sexual activity can be resumed immediately. I almost bit my tongue off when the nurse teaching the class said that must have been written by a man. I beg to differ, but didn't as I didn't want to embarass Musicman. It was so hard not to laugh at her when she mentioned we might need to try different positions due to the incision and the healing sternum. Her face was a red as the stripe on a candy cane. If she only knew. Of course I don't think that we are going to be swinging from the chandelier anytime soon, but personally I have never needed a reason to try different positions. I'm certain we can figure it out, and hey if at first we don't succeed, we will try, try again.

In fact, I promised Musicman before he went in to surgery that once he was better I would teach him wicked things. Now I just have to learn some wicked things, lol. Anyone have any suggestions?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Do I Really Need A Title?

Where to begin?

Musicman is doing better today.

All the tubes are gone. . .  Score.
The pain is getting better. . .Score.
He is moving idependently, mostly...Score.
I slept last night. . .Huge Score.

He isn't eating. . .No score.
Blood sugars are still high. . .I might have to give him shots and I'm can't look at needles...no score.

Issues with his transplant doctor who was called in due to minor complications.  I AM GOING TO SERIOUSLY HURT THE MAN.  If the complications become more then minor my next need is going to be bail money.

I can be a real serious Bitch when I need to and nobody fucks with my family. Right now I am in full on Bitch mode. The armor is fitting very well, and it's inpenetrable.

I stocked up on groceries today, I cleaned my home, every dish in the cabinet where they belong. My last load of laundry is in the dryer and will be folded and put away soon. I have chicken soup cooking in the crock pot.

Tomorrow when I get up I will go to the hospital, at this point my car can drive itself there. Unless something drastic happens I'm not leaving alone. I'm bringing my Musicman home. The healing has begun.

I'm so lonely, I miss him so much. He is starting to come back to me. We have been here before. I know what to do for him, I know what he needs, and I will very happily give it to him. I just need him to come home. I can face the world when he stands next to me, and I can win. I can feel euphoria in his arms.



Sunday, December 18, 2011

Rambling

Wow has this been a totally exhausting 4 days, it seems like I have been stuck in a nightmare forever.

Musicman is doing well, in fact so well that he was only in the ICU for 24 hours. I was thrilled when they moved him to the step down unit, I was just a little premature in being so thrilled. He started having some minor, but expected complications within an hour of being transferred. His heart rate started spiking up into the 180's, it was scary to see, it caused his entire body to shake. He tells me it was very painful, he thought his heart was going to explode. They gave him medicine, but it took 2 hours to get it back to a somewhat normal range. I ended up being with him until 4am came home for 2 hours to shower and change and then went back to the hospital. He was doing much better this morning, the heart rate is normal, he has been up out of bed and was even able to walk a bit. They are working on weaning him off the oxygen and according to the surgeon who came to check him today if things continue to go well he may be able to come home on Tuesday.

I came home a couple hours ago to try and get some sleep, I have only had about 8 hours total of sleep in the last 4 days. I have been trying to sleep, but not having too much luck with it, I think now I am over tired and I know I am over stressed.

While I have been busy at the hospital our teenage son has had the run of the house. He has eaten all the food in the house, there are dirty dishes and empty pop cans everywhere. My home looks like a bachelor pad inhabitted by frat boys. I am just a little OCD about my home and never allow this to happen, but I just don't have the energy to get it cleaned up, but also can't seem to ignore it.

I play taxi driver for our adult daughter driving her to work everyday. She doesn't live with us and this was supposed to be temporary when she got transferred to a different location of her work, just until she got her driver's license. I have been doing it for a year and a half. Yes, I know, I need to just tell her no, but any Mom's out there who can explain to me how to do this without the guilt, please clue me in. I haven't been able to be her taxi driver the last few days and she is not happy about it. She does understand why I can't, but her job is hassling her about it and in turn I feel guilty about it.

The icing on this particular cake is the fact that it is snowing. I've lived in the snow belt most of my life and while I don't particularly care for it, it also doesn't bother me too much usually. For the last decade I drove a minivan that went like a tank through the snow, never had a problem getting anywhere with it. In May Musicman bought me a new car, a sporty little thing that I love. I discovered this morning when I got home, it doesn't go through the snow like the van did, I couldn't get in the driveway with it so I basically abandoned it on the street.  I have always done that before without a problem because Musicman always just took care of it for me. I am very spoiled, I never do outside stuff unless it's something I choose to do. I haven't even put gas in my own car since the day I met Musicman, he just always takes care of me. I'm so overwhelmed at the moment I don't even know where to start, that is not like me at all, I am usually very efficient, assess the situation make a plane of attack and execute it.

Years ago I ran across a prayer that really struck a chord with me, I love it so much that I have it framed and on display in my home where I see it every day, I memorized it long ago, it has become a personal mantra for me. I don't know where it is from, if you recognize it please let me know. It goes like this:

                May I be at peace
                May my heart remain open
                May I know the beauty of my own true nature
                May I be healed.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Surgery is Done

Well the surgery is done, I got the chance to see him for a minute. He is out like a light and didn't even know I was there, but I got to at least give him a kiss and whisper in his ear. He is on the respirator, hopefully will come off it tomorrow and if things continue to go well out of ICU by Sunday. The hospital gave me a beeper so they can reach me at any time. We live only 5 minutes from the hospital so I will be in and out all weekend and maybe get the chance to get some sleep.

A great big thank you to everyone for all the wonderfully supportive comments, it really did help me get through the wee hours last night while I was waiting to go back to the hospital.

On The Heart Lung Machine

I just received an update, they have a wonderful lady who works here who is taking excellent care of me. That's a real good thing as I am going on 30+ hours with no sleep. Musicman is now on the heart lung machine and they are bypassing the blockages, the nurses report that things are going very well. In about 1/2 hr I am off to a class on how to take care of him at home. I probably already know this stuff, but it gives me something to do and you never know when I will learn something new. Ok have to run as this computer is in the waiting room of the hospital and they have "the naughty" sites time limited. Their words, not mine, this is one of the sites that is limited.

Its now a few hours later, this post didn't publish for some reason, not my computer, who knows. Anyway, things are still going well, they are working on the grafts now. I will get to see him sometime tonight, but he will be on a respirator so won't be able to talk. For having been up  35+ hours I am getting a second wind and feel pretty good. The staff here has been wonderful and are taking great care of both of us.

In Surgery

I'm in the cardiac icu waiting room. They limit access, so can only be on this site for 10 minutes at a time. Musicman has been in surgery for almost 2 hours now, they anticipate about 6 or 7 hours of surgery. I am very grateful for all the supportive comments. Thank you all for helping me get through this. I am also grateful that Doc listened to us and got us here before the worst happened. They are saying about a 2 month recovery time, then we should be good as new. Wonder if it is inappropriate to ask how long before we can play? I probably will ask anyway. Gonna go now before this computer kicks me off the site. I will give more updates as am able. Thank you all.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Update

We went for the cardiac cath this morning. It was worse than we thought, he has 5 blockages. The doctor who did the cath told me it was a miracle he was still alive. His Aortic Artery is 90% blocked, three of the blockages are 80% and one is 100%. They admitted him, I have to be at the hospital at 4:30 a.m if I want to see him before they take him to surgery. Needless to say I will be there, they say the surgery will take approximately 6 hours, then a few days in ICU and probably a week before he comes home.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Armor and Submission

In my last post I talked some about my armor. Not only does it not fit anymore, but I really don't even want to wear it. I've always been aware of it, even actively fortified it when the need arose. Over the years it has been melting away, layer by layer, until it became very thin. That didn't bother me at all because I didn't need that thick armor anymore, I had my shield of protection to hide behind, Musicman.

So where did it go? Why is it gone now?

I think it now sits in the spot on the shelf where I have stored my submission all these years. I never thought of myself as submissive, but the plain truth is I am. I have had no problems over the years with people knowing that I defer to my husband, in fact I take pride in it. No one ever mentioned the word submission to me and I never made the connection. Neither did Musicman, when push comes to shove he will admit that of the two of us I am the less dominant one, but he doesn't think of me as submissive. How did we both miss this? It's not like we weren't aware of the word or it's meaning.

I've often thought of relationships in the context of decorating a home. At the beginning of the relationship, you move in and you both bring baggage. Like most people we didn't just dump the baggage out and find a spot for everything. No, we took our time emptying the bags, we reviewed and examined things, we decided what needed to be kept and what needed to be tossed. Then we slowly started to arrange things in a way that would be pleasing to the eye.

Apparently I found my submission at the bottom of one of those bags, I knew I wanted to keep it but I didn't know what to do with it. It got put up on a high shelf, out of sight, but always there. Occasionally, when needed, I would bring it out and dust it and then put it back on the shelf.

Now it seems that I have taken my submission off that high shelf, I've dusted it off, but I haven't put it back. I want to keep it with me, I want to be aware of it and the person I am when I embrace it. What I am finding though, is the submissive person I am won't wear the armor. It's heavy and uncomfortable, I can't feel things the same way when the armor is on. I like the way I feel when I have my submission with me. I feel more joy from life, I feel free and unencumbered, the armor doesn't allow for that.

I think it might be time to go see the armor maker, I need some that will fit my submission.


On a side note to let you all know, we will be at the hospital at 6 a.m. tomorrow, it is going to be a long day especially since the time I will need to get up and get ready is about the time I usually fall asleep. If I click my heels three times and say, "let it be over" will it work?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Looking for Balance

I've been thinking about balance lately.

Balance: a situation in which different aspects or features are treated equally or exist in the correct relationship to each other.

Balance: a force, influence, or idea that is completely different from another but combines well with it.
 
Usually we are pretty good at being in balance, existing in the correct relationship to each other. We are forces that are completely different but combine well, usually.
 
That is not to say that things are, or have ever been 50-50. Sometimes things are 60-40, or 75-25, and there have been times when things were 99-1. The percentage of give and take does not have to be equal to be balanced. As long as both of us are getting what we need without taking more than the other has to offer, then we feel balance. When we are able to provide what the other needs, we are in balance.
 
I don't feel balanced right now. He needs more then I have to offer. He needs my strength right now. I'm trying to provide him with that. But, my strength comes from him, so how do I offer him the strength he needs without totally sapping either him or myself?
 
Previously this would not have been a problem for me. I am strong, I have heard that my whole life, and I believed it. I have had to be strong to carry the armor required to protect myself. When he promised to protect me a small chink appeared in that armor. A chink so minute it was practically invisible, but he saw it and established a foothold. Once he was inside he slowly started working to chip away the armor, small piece by small piece. And he was right there helping me keep my balance as each of those pieces fell away.

He achieved his goal, total exposure, the armor is gone, I don't need it any more because I have him. I'm totally vulnerable, and I like it that way, until I am faced with having to be the strong one once again. Then I need to put that armor back on long enough to bring us both through the fight unscathed.

I tried to put the armor back on, but I found it a lot heavier than it used to be. It paralyzes movement, it impedes function, instead of making me strong it weighs me down. It unbalances me, so I put it aside and in it's place is a facade. A facade of strength that I'm trying desperately not to drop, because he needs my strength right now and he deserves no less. I need to find my balance so I can offer it to him.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Thank You and Other Stuff

Thank you everyone for all the supportive comments. I shared with PK in an email that I don't have a life long friend, I've never been good at making attachments to people and usually don't relate well to women. My husband is my best friend and has been the only constant in my life for over half my life. I do have one close friend I could confide in, but her husband has heart disease more severe than my husband and he has opted not to have surgery to fix it. It has effected their relationship to the point that they have not been intimate in over 2 years. She trys to be supportive, but really just isn't capable of it in this area. I have no family to rely on, the little bit of family my husband has left he has chosen not to tell. He is a very private guy. So if I didn't have this place to put my thoughts or you folks to be supportive I would have no one. Thank you is really not enough, but, thank you.

Yesterday was a hectic day of phone calls getting everything scheduled for the heart cath. We will be at the hospital very early next Thursday for the procedure. If things go well he will be able to come home that night with everything fixed up. That's our goal, so I am going to keep that in the forefront of my mind. There is a possibility he may have to spend a night in the hospital, we won't know until after the procedure. I hope he doesn't, we aren't used to being apart. The only times in the last 26 years we have been together that we haven't slept in the same bed has been times of hospitalization. Since I already don't sleep well I am not looking forward to him not being here.

We are supposed to be going to his christmas party next Saturday night, the one I bought the little black dress for. I don't know if we will be able to attend or not, all depends on how he feels. If the only thing I have to sacrifice is a chance to go out and party and wear a new dress I consider myself lucky.

I took some inspiration from a post by Kitty at Sweet Surrender, she posted about doing a daily status post on Facebook about why she loves her husband. My husband is not on facebook, so no need to do that. Instead, I have been writing him little notes and putting them in his shirt pocket when he leaves in the mornings. Some are sweet, some are sexy and some are just down right naughty. He told me he doesn't want to throw them away, but doesn't know where to put them. I had no suggestions for him. While doing some laundry yesterday I found where he decided to put them, his underwear drawer.  That made me smile.

You may have noticed I never gave my husband a name on here. I don't have a particular pet name for him, most often I call him baby.  But I call everyone honey, sweetie, baby and such. It's just a habit I have, it makes my teenage son's friends blush when I do it with them. Picking a name for myself was easy. Faerie is not a nickname, but I have an uncommon obsession with faeries. I have them throughout my house in many forms from wind chimes to statues to pictures. Three of my eight tattoos are faeries. No brainer there when picking a name for me, not as easy to pick one for hubby.

I have been thinking about it quite a bit and it kind of hit me this morning what I am going to call him. My husband is a gifted musician, he plays guitar and has a beautiful singing voice, though he isn't real comfortable about singing in front of people. He has declined many offers to be in bands over the years, he says it requires alot of practice time and he would rather spend that time with me. Doc currently has a band and has been trying to get my husband to join for a few years now. He has sat in with them on occasion, but I don't think he will ever do it at the level Doc would like. I think its sexy that he plays guitar, watching his hands when he plays makes me hot. I won't even go into how it effects me when he plays the harmonica. I have decided to call him Musicman. Faerie and Musicman, kinda has a ring to it, don't you think? 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Changing Dynamics

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. The health issues with my husband are weighing heavily on my mind. Four days from today is the anniversary of my husband's transplant. That was a very challenging time. He inherited a disease from his mother that caused the need for the transplant. It was several years of his health deteriorating and invasive treatments before he received the transplant. It was more of a challenge then either of us wanted to deal with.  I always think of the donor family and how hard it must have been for them to suffer such a loss, especially at this time of year. I know the strength it must have taken for them to make the decision to donate his organs. I owe my husband's life and our happiness to people I will never meet.

During the time of his illness and treatments he was so sick that he worked and slept . Everything else fell to me to take care of. Our children were 4 and 9 at the time. During the time he was hospitalized with the transplant I became his primary caretaker. That is after all how I make my living. I know what superior care is and expect no less. I do not accept no excuses. I know how to work the system and have the connections to get what I want. I took excellent care of him.

One thing we encountered during this time was a major change in the dynamics of our relationship. He became my patient, I lost the connection to him as my husband and lover. I applied a clinical and professional approach to his care, I had to in order to survive. We were both aware of it and once he recovered we made a conscious effort to fix it.

We had hoped that he would not inherit the heart disorder that runs in his father's side of the family. That is not the case. His doctor that he sees to maintain his transplant has been blowing him off and telling him that old age and depression were responsible for his symptoms. He's not old, only 47 and he certainly is not depressed.  About the same time that I sent him the first email asking about exploring a D/s relationship a good friend of ours finished his medical training and started practicing medicine.  He is now treating my husband.

After the first round of tests Doc called me to discuss the results. During the course of the discussion I asked him if the diagnosis meant no more kinky sex. As I said, he is a good friend and was not surprised by the question. This is what his answer was," I'll make you a deal, you keep him alive until I can fix him." Not the deal I would have wished for, but the best I was gonna get. Want to know a sure fire libido killer, how about knowing that what you are doing could kill your partner? It's like ice water to the face, or at least it was for me.

Over the past couple weeks it has become apparent to me that my husband has not been as forthcoming with his symptoms as I would have liked.  We had the second round of tests yesterday, he is much sicker then either of us thought. Doc called 1/2 hour after we got home from the hospital to discuss the results and the course of treatment. My husband has major blockages in his heart, we should be hearing from the hospital today to schedule a heart cath with stent placement. Best case scenario would be that that fixes the problem. There is the possibility of things being more complicated then the tests show. He may need open heart surgery.

I can already feel the dynamics changing and not in the direction either of us wants. It was my email that caused my husband to go see Doc and get this issue taken care of, I see that as a positive. Now I just need to be strong enough to walk that fine line between wife and caregiver long enough for Doc to fix him. I'm not sure how I am going to do that, but I don't have any other choice. I love my husband more than words allow me to express and I will do anything to keep him healthy.

Doc, being the friend he is to us is doing everything he can to help us get this done as quickly and easily as possible. I hope you will bear with me if things get a bit vanilla around here.

If the sun shines on you today, take a moment, turn your face up, and really feel the warmth on your skin. No one is promised tomorrow.

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Step Back

So, I ended my last post by saying I give up. Let's get real here people. I'm not giving up, I never give up when I want something. Worse than a dog with a bone I am.

I also know that ignoring it will not make what I'm feeling go away, if it did, I would have ignored it a long time ago and never said a word about it to my husband.

So where does that leave me now? I'm not really sure, taking a break at the very least.

Several people left comments asking if my husband reads here. He does not, in fact, he knows I read blogs, he's seen me leaving comments and he knows I write. He encourages the writing. He has never once asked if I write a blog nor has he asked me to share any of my writing.  He is totally uninterested in any information other than what I tell him.  That is one of the reasons I have decided to take a step back. 

We have the next set of medical tests coming up this week for him. We are dealing with a potentially life threatening condition that is going to involve surgical intervention to fix. We just don't know how invasive the procedure is going to be yet. That is another reason to take a step back.

I have started a 2 phase test for a potential job, one I really want. I need to focus my attention on the testing or I will have no one to blame but myself for blowing a chance at my dream job. This process will take a month or more. Another reason to take a step back.

Probably the most important reason to take a step back right now would be my husband. We do not in anyway think alike. We don't approach problems and issues the same way. We learn differently. I tend to rush in where angels fear to tred. He always looks at all the angles, makes all the comparisons, considers all the repercussions. He is also capable of surprising me at any minute with something said or something done. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and give him the chance to surprise me.



Sunday, December 4, 2011

Need and Frustration

He has asked me to be patient. I'm trying but patience is a virtue I wasn't blessed with.

I don't want to need this anymore.

I'm tired of hearing myself talk.

I'm exhausted from trying to explain things I don't fully understand.

Expectations were high, reality did not meet the expectation.

Frustration and hurt reign supreme.

If I ignore this need will it go away?

Why can't he just read my mind?

I give up.



Thursday, December 1, 2011

Menopause Brain = A Spanking

My insomnia is back and that is triggering menopause brain. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's when I completely lose my ever lovin' mind.  I can be fine one second and the next I'm diving off the cliff to craziness. I hate it and my poor husband isn't too fond of it either.  When we were first together I had an extended bout with severe PMS. I irritated myself to the point I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. A med change fixed that and things were great. Then almost 10 years ago I was diagnosed with early onset menopause. I had mostly physical symptoms, Aunt Flo was in residence more then she wasn't. I did not have the crazy mood swings. I have a wonderful doctor who performed an experimental procedure, same day surgery and back to normal the next day with no more monthly visits. Yep I haven't had a period in a decade, but I have all my original parts. Earlier this year the mood swings came on with a vengeance. I am not a big medication taker and am not a good candidate for hormone replacement therapy, so I have been handling it homeopathically, diet, exercise and vitamins, with some success.  Unfortunately, yesterday having had only about an hour of sleep, a sick kid and a senile dog who has forgotten he needs to go outside to do his business, I skyrocketed off the cliff and crashed hard. Add to that the frustration of trying to find a job in a dying city and constant rain that caused a large tree limb to fall onto my husband's vehicle and all I really wanted to do was run away from life. Obviously not possible, so on I went struggling through the day.

My husband is much better at handling these moods then I am, but last night it wasn't working. I exploded on him, this never happens and he didn't know what to do. I know what he should have done, what would have worked, and now he does too. Yes, I told him I need him to do WHATEVER it takes to bring me back from the bottom of the cliff. Ya'll are smart people I'm sure you know what I'm referring to here. I must admit the look on his face when I said that did make me laugh. 

One of the things we have been having a hard time figuring out is, in our case, having been together for so long and not needing to change our day to day life how do we incorporate ttwd into our life. He is more then willing to do whatever I want him to do. But, therein lies the current problem, I can't tell him how to be dominant. He has asked me to be patient while he works it out. I get that and don't have a problem with it. He is naturally dominant, but not with me. With me he is Mr. laid back, whatever I want I get. It makes all my friends jealous. It makes me very happy.

He tells me all the time he has two priorities in life:

1. provide for and protect me 
2. make me happy

Really, what more could a girl ask for?  For the last 26 years, nothing. Now, I need more and am having somewhat of a hard time figuring it out. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough, now we both know what I need, what will help. Yes, I know, I claim to be a smart woman, this should have been obvious. I said I was smart, I didn't say I was quick about it.  We still have the issue of lack of privacy due to a night owl teenager in the house. We are also still dealing with the health issue. But I am caustiously optimistic that we will have a good holiday season and that we are starting to have a little bit of definition as to how this will work for us. Of course I think I am prepared to be patient and I expect that we will have our slips. I know the conversations will continue and things will work out. Next time menopause brain kicks in please remind me of that. Also any suggestions on dealing with the mood swings are appreciated.

And on a completely vanilla note, I received an email this morning offering me the chance to start the hiring process for my dream job, so keep your fingers crossed, or say a prayer, or do both, cause I really, really want this job.