Thursday, December 8, 2011

Changing Dynamics

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. The health issues with my husband are weighing heavily on my mind. Four days from today is the anniversary of my husband's transplant. That was a very challenging time. He inherited a disease from his mother that caused the need for the transplant. It was several years of his health deteriorating and invasive treatments before he received the transplant. It was more of a challenge then either of us wanted to deal with.  I always think of the donor family and how hard it must have been for them to suffer such a loss, especially at this time of year. I know the strength it must have taken for them to make the decision to donate his organs. I owe my husband's life and our happiness to people I will never meet.

During the time of his illness and treatments he was so sick that he worked and slept . Everything else fell to me to take care of. Our children were 4 and 9 at the time. During the time he was hospitalized with the transplant I became his primary caretaker. That is after all how I make my living. I know what superior care is and expect no less. I do not accept no excuses. I know how to work the system and have the connections to get what I want. I took excellent care of him.

One thing we encountered during this time was a major change in the dynamics of our relationship. He became my patient, I lost the connection to him as my husband and lover. I applied a clinical and professional approach to his care, I had to in order to survive. We were both aware of it and once he recovered we made a conscious effort to fix it.

We had hoped that he would not inherit the heart disorder that runs in his father's side of the family. That is not the case. His doctor that he sees to maintain his transplant has been blowing him off and telling him that old age and depression were responsible for his symptoms. He's not old, only 47 and he certainly is not depressed.  About the same time that I sent him the first email asking about exploring a D/s relationship a good friend of ours finished his medical training and started practicing medicine.  He is now treating my husband.

After the first round of tests Doc called me to discuss the results. During the course of the discussion I asked him if the diagnosis meant no more kinky sex. As I said, he is a good friend and was not surprised by the question. This is what his answer was," I'll make you a deal, you keep him alive until I can fix him." Not the deal I would have wished for, but the best I was gonna get. Want to know a sure fire libido killer, how about knowing that what you are doing could kill your partner? It's like ice water to the face, or at least it was for me.

Over the past couple weeks it has become apparent to me that my husband has not been as forthcoming with his symptoms as I would have liked.  We had the second round of tests yesterday, he is much sicker then either of us thought. Doc called 1/2 hour after we got home from the hospital to discuss the results and the course of treatment. My husband has major blockages in his heart, we should be hearing from the hospital today to schedule a heart cath with stent placement. Best case scenario would be that that fixes the problem. There is the possibility of things being more complicated then the tests show. He may need open heart surgery.

I can already feel the dynamics changing and not in the direction either of us wants. It was my email that caused my husband to go see Doc and get this issue taken care of, I see that as a positive. Now I just need to be strong enough to walk that fine line between wife and caregiver long enough for Doc to fix him. I'm not sure how I am going to do that, but I don't have any other choice. I love my husband more than words allow me to express and I will do anything to keep him healthy.

Doc, being the friend he is to us is doing everything he can to help us get this done as quickly and easily as possible. I hope you will bear with me if things get a bit vanilla around here.

If the sun shines on you today, take a moment, turn your face up, and really feel the warmth on your skin. No one is promised tomorrow.


  1. I'm sorry you're both dealing with this. Take as much time as you need. That's most important right now. Your readers will be patient. BTW, my husband's cousin had open heart surgery a couple of months ago. He is in his mid-40s and is a runner and was shocked to discover some blockage and structural damage. Still, after the surgery he went home three days later and is running again. Amazing!

  2. Faerie,
    I'm so sorry to hear how much more serious this is than you had expected. It is encouraging to see that you have a doctor to trust and are getting all the right care. I will be thinking of and praying for both of you.

    I think that those of us who read and begin to care about one another here in blogland don't care much at all about how vanilla or un-vanilla blogs get. We do simply care so talk about the hard stuff as you need and we'll be here to listen.

  3. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers. You know where my crazy corner is if you ever need someone to holler at.

  4. Faerie
    I am so srry you are going through this. I'm with Susie. In blogland we become part of a larger family and I care not whether a blog is vanilla. It's like getting a letter from a friend. Friends share good and bad. So please write all the vanilla you need.
    Thoughts and prayers are on their way.

  5. faerie,

    I'm so sorry your husband is having such awful health problems. Hugs to you!!! Please feel free to post your real life issues anytime.


  6. Prayers and hugs to all of you. Hubby is lucky to have such a great it helps him recover more quickly. Please do keep us posted. abby

  7. What an awful situation for the both of you.

    I understand not being able to sleep with all that on your mind.

    You're right, no one is promised tomorrow. That sits in my head every day - all we can do is love in the moment.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Oh faerie, I'm so sorry you have this to conquer. And as for the vanilla posts, it'd be pretty shallow if any of us bothered about that which we don't. (I'm sure I say this for all of your readers)
    You're right, nobody is promised tomorrow and your post doesn't half put that into perspective.
    I'll be thinking about you all.

    Dee x

  9. Faerie, ((hugs)) to you and your husband, as well as prayers. It's no wonder you have problems sleeping.
    As far as vanilla posts, I would never mind, I love that you share all. Sharing the good and bad is what blogs are for!!
    Take care, of yourself and him

  10. Oh Faerie, I'm so sorry! I echo what the other ladies have already said, vanilla posts are fine with me! The people who really care will be here reading still, following your journey and wishing you the best.

    And you're right, none of us is promised tomorrow...not here on earth in the bodies we currently inhabit anyway. Both you and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

  11. I'm so sorry to hear of the troubles. I do hope he gets better quickly. Hugs

  12. you are both in my thoughts and prayers - im sure things will be fine and I know you will ahve the strength to see him through until he is well again and then you can breath easy once again.
    DD isnt just about spanking...its about being there for one another, being respectful to one another, loving each other you may call it a vanilla post but its not :) so please dont worry, we will read whatever you post :) let us know how you get on ok
    love and big huge hugs kiwi xxxxx

  13. I think you can see that this is a great place to be. It's a lot like your real life friends but because you don't see them face to face every day in the grocery store it's even easier to open up to them. We have the added bonus of being spankos - something we don't have to talk about in ever post but it helps to know we're talking with other that understand this unusual side of us.

    I hope the test show something that can be easily repaired. You can be care giver as you have to be but you might want to keep talking about DD. It helps me to discuss it and even tease about it sometimes even when we aren't active in it at that moment. Somehow it brings us closer and it will give you both something to look forward to!