In my last post I talked some about my armor. Not only does it not fit anymore, but I really don't even want to wear it. I've always been aware of it, even actively fortified it when the need arose. Over the years it has been melting away, layer by layer, until it became very thin. That didn't bother me at all because I didn't need that thick armor anymore, I had my shield of protection to hide behind, Musicman.
So where did it go? Why is it gone now?
I think it now sits in the spot on the shelf where I have stored my submission all these years. I never thought of myself as submissive, but the plain truth is I am. I have had no problems over the years with people knowing that I defer to my husband, in fact I take pride in it. No one ever mentioned the word submission to me and I never made the connection. Neither did Musicman, when push comes to shove he will admit that of the two of us I am the less dominant one, but he doesn't think of me as submissive. How did we both miss this? It's not like we weren't aware of the word or it's meaning.
I've often thought of relationships in the context of decorating a home. At the beginning of the relationship, you move in and you both bring baggage. Like most people we didn't just dump the baggage out and find a spot for everything. No, we took our time emptying the bags, we reviewed and examined things, we decided what needed to be kept and what needed to be tossed. Then we slowly started to arrange things in a way that would be pleasing to the eye.
Apparently I found my submission at the bottom of one of those bags, I knew I wanted to keep it but I didn't know what to do with it. It got put up on a high shelf, out of sight, but always there. Occasionally, when needed, I would bring it out and dust it and then put it back on the shelf.
Now it seems that I have taken my submission off that high shelf, I've dusted it off, but I haven't put it back. I want to keep it with me, I want to be aware of it and the person I am when I embrace it. What I am finding though, is the submissive person I am won't wear the armor. It's heavy and uncomfortable, I can't feel things the same way when the armor is on. I like the way I feel when I have my submission with me. I feel more joy from life, I feel free and unencumbered, the armor doesn't allow for that.
I think it might be time to go see the armor maker, I need some that will fit my submission.
On a side note to let you all know, we will be at the hospital at 6 a.m. tomorrow, it is going to be a long day especially since the time I will need to get up and get ready is about the time I usually fall asleep. If I click my heels three times and say, "let it be over" will it work?