Monday, December 12, 2011

Looking for Balance

I've been thinking about balance lately.

Balance: a situation in which different aspects or features are treated equally or exist in the correct relationship to each other.

Balance: a force, influence, or idea that is completely different from another but combines well with it.
 
Usually we are pretty good at being in balance, existing in the correct relationship to each other. We are forces that are completely different but combine well, usually.
 
That is not to say that things are, or have ever been 50-50. Sometimes things are 60-40, or 75-25, and there have been times when things were 99-1. The percentage of give and take does not have to be equal to be balanced. As long as both of us are getting what we need without taking more than the other has to offer, then we feel balance. When we are able to provide what the other needs, we are in balance.
 
I don't feel balanced right now. He needs more then I have to offer. He needs my strength right now. I'm trying to provide him with that. But, my strength comes from him, so how do I offer him the strength he needs without totally sapping either him or myself?
 
Previously this would not have been a problem for me. I am strong, I have heard that my whole life, and I believed it. I have had to be strong to carry the armor required to protect myself. When he promised to protect me a small chink appeared in that armor. A chink so minute it was practically invisible, but he saw it and established a foothold. Once he was inside he slowly started working to chip away the armor, small piece by small piece. And he was right there helping me keep my balance as each of those pieces fell away.

He achieved his goal, total exposure, the armor is gone, I don't need it any more because I have him. I'm totally vulnerable, and I like it that way, until I am faced with having to be the strong one once again. Then I need to put that armor back on long enough to bring us both through the fight unscathed.

I tried to put the armor back on, but I found it a lot heavier than it used to be. It paralyzes movement, it impedes function, instead of making me strong it weighs me down. It unbalances me, so I put it aside and in it's place is a facade. A facade of strength that I'm trying desperately not to drop, because he needs my strength right now and he deserves no less. I need to find my balance so I can offer it to him.


11 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Faerie. I don't know what your beliefs are, but it's times like this in life that I fall back on my faith and rely on God to get me and my family through. (((hugs)))

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  2. This post is...It's a beautiful expression of something I have a very hard time putting into words.
    Thank you.

    Sometimes I think that our armor evolves with us. And it just takes a little while to realize that it's not the same as it was and make it fit just right. It doesn't feel quite as secure as it once did, but it has all the essentials.
    You will find your balance.

    hugs

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  3. I don't know the complete situation, as far as how he's feeling or you are, but I would still talk to him. And tell him all of this - that while you are trying to be strong for both of you you still need him. You both need to talk about your fears, listen to each other, cuddle, talk about the future when all this is fixed and behind you. That's what you have to believe right now. Don't pull away from him and don't let him pull away from you.

    Hugs,
    PK

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  4. If God takes you to it, he will take you through it. You have to believe that Faerie. You both love each other greatly and that is your focus - your love for each other.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you now and will be there through this trying time.

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  5. I've been through that - am still going through that. I'm seeing that it's maybe a new kind of strength than i had been used to, not fortified and armor but quicker and lighter and more nimble, less hiding and protecting and more sure of itself. Anyhow - it helps me to not think of it as losing strength, but as gaining a new kind of strength.

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  6. i agree with Gg, it's going to be a new kind of strength... but not a facade at all.

    hugs,

    aisha

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  7. I do not know if this relates, but I often feel like when I need to be strong and put that armor on, I also distance myself a bit. I am slowly figuring out that holding his hand and sticking close even when I don't feel strong enough, means a lot to him. It is a different kind of strength than I am used to giving. We will keep praying for you both this week.

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  8. Please be sure to take moments whenever you can to care for yourself, and allow others to help you if they offer. Be really kind to yourself. Possibly this could help you find your strength and enable you to serve your Husband and family well during this difficult time.

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  9. PK, you have given good advice and I am trying. It was just a bad, bad, bitchy rant inducing kinda weekend. The fact that my computer crashed and was down for 2 days saved you from that unpleasant email.

    Susie, we are doing our best to stick together, we know that is where the strength lies, right now all we can do is wait and neither of us is good at that.

    Serenity, Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself, I sometimes forget. I did let outside demands on both of us effect me. I learned a long time ago that being the responsible one sucks sometimes, we both need to learn to tell people no on occasion.

    greengirl, thank you for the comment, I had not looked at it as a new kind of strength, something for me to think about though.

    aisha, at the moment it feels like a facade, I'm not good with facades.

    Sunnygirl, that is a lovely sentiment, not one I have heard before, it may become my new mantra for the next few days.

    Grace, I have called all my angels to us, now I need to practice patience, waiting is not something I'm good at.

    lil, thank you for the lovely compliment, my armor is not only out of whack, but I am finding I don't want to put it on. Can we say denial?

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  10. God wants you vulnerable; He likes all His people to be vulnerable, for it is only when we are, that we turn to Him. He IS our strength. He may sometimes send people into our lives to encourage and strengthen us, but He is our ultimate strength when all human strength fails. Rest in Him, draw from Him.
    I was told to always give my problems to God before I went to sleep. Problems stop us sleeping...and God is going to be awake all night anyway....xxxxxxxx

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  11. ((hugs)) Faerie! I too suck at patience and waiting. Try to hold on. I'll pray for you both. Hang in there!!

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