Needless to say I have been feeling the distance between myself and Musicman. I really haven't stopped to think about it much, for one I haven't had much time to think, and because I have felt this distance before and thought I knew what the cause was.
I thought the cause was him being sick, this is the way I felt when he had the transplant 12 years ago. I thought it was just me going into caregiver mode. Being that I am a healthcare professional I thought it was normal to only allow myself to deal with the technical side of things so to speak. It is an automatic thing for me, someone is sick, it is my job to care for them until they are better. I also figured it was a coping mechanism, something I needed to do to get through.
Something happened this morning that made me see it differently. Musicman was feeling well enough to get out of the house and I needed to go to the grocery store, so off we went.
As I parked and got out of the van a man was standing a few cars away, he started to yell at me, apparently he didn't like my driving. Normally I would have thought nothing of it and just kept on walking. I'm ashamed to say I did not do that today. No, I attacked back, I told him "back the fuck off or I'll jam your nuts so far up your throat you'll be picking them out of your teeth for a week." Then he made a fatal mistake, he laughed and kept running his mouth, egging me on. I saw red, dropped my purse and started to charge.
Thank the powers that be that by that time Musicman had managed to get out of the van and had come up behind me. I had forgotten that he was even with me. His hand on my shoulder and his calm voice telling me to "settle down" was all it took for me to realize what I was about to do. I probably would have gotten hurt, but I really thought in that minute that I could have at least taken that guy out in the process. Once he realized I wasn't alone he backed right down and we went on about the business of shopping.
This incident has been playing over and over in my mind since. This is not the way I would normally have handled this situation, at least not since Musicman came into my life. The old faerie, the one I was before Musicman, yeah, she wouldn't have stopped till everyone was awash in blood and not thought twice about it. But that was a long time ago, so why now?
I really think the distance I have been putting between Musicman and myself is not just me being a caregiver, not an automatic coping mechanism. No, I think it was me preparing to live without Musicman if things didn't go well. It saddens me that after all these years I still haven't allowed myself to soften much, to show my vulnerability. I let Musicman see it, I'm soft with him, but let something threaten it and I revert right back to my old ways. Maybe that's normal, I really don't know, but I find it sad. I really don't like being that way, attack first ask questions later.
I've always told Musicman I want to die the day before you do so I don't have to live a day without you. I think I may need to warn my kids that if that doesn't happen they may want to frisk me on a frequent basis cause I'm gonna be the only old lady in the nursing home who is palming a switch blade. And yes, sad to say, but I do still have the blade I carried before I met Musicman.
The positive note of this encounter, the distance is gone, I now know Musicman is here with me and no matter how sick he is he will always protect me, even if it's from myself.