Saturday, December 31, 2011

Seeing Things Differently

Needless to say I have been feeling the distance between myself and Musicman. I really haven't stopped to think about it much, for one I haven't had much time to think, and because I have felt this distance before and thought I knew what the cause was.

I thought the cause was him being sick, this is the way I felt when he had the transplant 12 years ago. I thought it was just me going into caregiver mode. Being that I am a healthcare professional I thought it was normal to only allow myself to deal with the technical side of things so to speak. It is an automatic thing for me, someone is sick, it is my job to care for them until they are better. I also figured it was a coping mechanism, something I needed to do to get through.

Something happened this morning that made me see it differently. Musicman was feeling well enough to get out of the house and I needed to go to the grocery store, so off we went.

As I parked and got out of the van a man was standing a few cars away, he started to yell at me, apparently he didn't like my driving. Normally I would have thought nothing of it and just kept on walking. I'm ashamed to say I did not do that today. No, I attacked back, I told him "back the fuck off or I'll jam your nuts so far up your throat you'll be picking them out of your teeth for a week."  Then he made a fatal mistake, he laughed and kept running his mouth, egging me on. I saw red, dropped my purse and started to charge.

Thank the powers that be that by that time Musicman had managed to get out of the van and had come up behind me. I had forgotten that he was even with me. His hand on my shoulder and his calm voice telling me to "settle down" was all it took for me to realize what I was about to do. I probably would have gotten hurt, but I really thought in that minute that I could have at least taken that guy out in the process. Once he realized I wasn't alone he backed right down and we went on about the business of shopping.

This incident has been playing over and over in my mind since. This is not the way I would normally have handled this situation, at least not since Musicman came into my life. The old faerie, the one I was before Musicman, yeah, she wouldn't have stopped till everyone was awash in blood and not thought twice about it. But that was a long time ago, so why now?

I really think the distance I have been putting between Musicman and myself is not just me being a caregiver, not an automatic coping mechanism. No, I think it was me preparing to live without Musicman if things didn't go well. It saddens me that after all these years I still haven't allowed myself to soften much, to show my vulnerability. I let Musicman see it, I'm soft with him, but let something threaten it and I revert right back to my old ways. Maybe that's normal, I really don't know, but I find it sad. I really don't like being that way, attack first ask questions later.

I've always told Musicman I want to die the day before you do so I don't have to live a day without you. I think I may need to warn my kids that if that doesn't happen they may want to frisk me on a frequent basis cause I'm gonna be the only old lady in the nursing home who is palming a switch blade. And yes, sad to say, but I do still have the blade I carried before I met Musicman.

The positive note of this encounter, the distance is gone, I now know Musicman is here with me and no matter how sick he is he will always protect me, even if it's from myself.

12 comments:

  1. A wonderful post, I'm glad to see the distance gone. Also glad to see he is feeling well enough to go out!
    I know how it feels to want to distance yourself when someone is ill like that.
    Ive been there too.
    Letting people in is so hard (any people, even your love), but the fact you can be soft and let him see it is good, some soft is better than none!
    I get the whole reverting thing as well. It's like a clam... SNAP and right back you go!

    I like seeing (reading) your love for one another. It's very real.

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  2. Faerie,
    This one made me really stop and think and it made me sad. I've never been like you describe yourself. I've always avoided every confrontation in my life, until very recently and then you probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But I also know that I have never let Nick in, I'm always behind my wall. I don't know how to make it go away, and it makes me sad. I envy you.

    Hugs,
    PK

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  3. I'm glad you feel connected to Musicman now.

    Sorry it took a parking lot fiasco to make it happen:).

    Love,
    Kitty

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  4. Don't be too hard on yourself Faerie. I think that sometimes something can just trigger us and we revert back to old behaviors. That doesn't mean that we haven't grown or changed. It just means that we're always a work in progress. I'm glad you're feeling more connected and closer to Musicman now though. Happy New Year!

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  5. Wow, Faerie, so glad to hear he is out and about and protecting you from yourself. :) If I ever wind up in a nursing home, I hope you're my roommate. May 2012 be an awesome year for you guys!!!

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  6. Sometimes we do odd things to protect ourselves but what we really need is protection from ourselves. I'm glad Musicman is doing better and able to protect and love you when you need it the most. May 2012 bring you both much happiness.

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  7. Faerie,
    Did you read Sara's posts before Christmas about Grant turning 60 and how it took her some time to realize that she was worried/scared that he was getting older and she might lose him? If not, consider checking them out. I think you'll relate as she was going through so many of the same emotions.

    findingsara.wordpress.com

    I'm glad that your Musicman is starting to get around and wow, I'm glad he grabbed you in that parking lot. Even those little moments of his strength must be so reassuring. Hold tight, it's a new year!

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  8. Susie, I did read that post, can we say denial, lol. I'm gonna blame it on being tired and stressed that I didn't really get it sooner.

    trazuredpet, Thanks, the most protection I need is usually from myself, attack first and ask questions later is not usually the wisest thing to do.

    Rogue, as long as you are good with the bed by the window, I have to have the one by the door for a quick getaway, lol.

    Grace, I think the thing that was shocking is the fact that it has been over 2 decades since I have done something that stupid, unless of course you count the time I pulled the double barrel on the neighbor guy. I didn't shoot him though so it was all good.

    Kitty, thanks, definitely not one of my better moments.

    Emi, what a sweet comment, I like the clam analogy, lol. I really surprised myself with the way I reacted, it has been quite awhile since something like that happened.

    PK, I don't know what to say, I don't think that being as tough as I have had to be is necessarily a good thing. I scared myself with what I did, the guy was a real asshole, but I was really gonna hurt him, and he probably didn't deserve that just for being ignorant.
    Sometime I'll tell you the story about the neighbor threatening me and how I handled it, Musicman was not impressed and neither were the police.

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  9. Oh, how I loved the last paragraph of your post.
    I am so happy for you both. May this new year be the best one yet for you both. Wishing you are the health, happiness an prosperity you deserve.

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  10. Sunnygirl, from you mouth to gods ears.

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  11. I wonder if all the stress and worry is catching up on you now? Which is understandable and natural. Maybe you were just letting it all out although I think there's been a bit of self-protection mode happening too. I'm glad you feel more connected to your musicman now faerie.

    Dee x

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  12. Dee, I would definitely say it was stress, I don't think that guy was prepared for my reaction but maybe he learned not to yell obscenities at random women, lol.

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