Rambling

Wow has this been a totally exhausting 4 days, it seems like I have been stuck in a nightmare forever.

Musicman is doing well, in fact so well that he was only in the ICU for 24 hours. I was thrilled when they moved him to the step down unit, I was just a little premature in being so thrilled. He started having some minor, but expected complications within an hour of being transferred. His heart rate started spiking up into the 180's, it was scary to see, it caused his entire body to shake. He tells me it was very painful, he thought his heart was going to explode. They gave him medicine, but it took 2 hours to get it back to a somewhat normal range. I ended up being with him until 4am came home for 2 hours to shower and change and then went back to the hospital. He was doing much better this morning, the heart rate is normal, he has been up out of bed and was even able to walk a bit. They are working on weaning him off the oxygen and according to the surgeon who came to check him today if things continue to go well he may be able to come home on Tuesday.

I came home a couple hours ago to try and get some sleep, I have only had about 8 hours total of sleep in the last 4 days. I have been trying to sleep, but not having too much luck with it, I think now I am over tired and I know I am over stressed.

While I have been busy at the hospital our teenage son has had the run of the house. He has eaten all the food in the house, there are dirty dishes and empty pop cans everywhere. My home looks like a bachelor pad inhabitted by frat boys. I am just a little OCD about my home and never allow this to happen, but I just don't have the energy to get it cleaned up, but also can't seem to ignore it.

I play taxi driver for our adult daughter driving her to work everyday. She doesn't live with us and this was supposed to be temporary when she got transferred to a different location of her work, just until she got her driver's license. I have been doing it for a year and a half. Yes, I know, I need to just tell her no, but any Mom's out there who can explain to me how to do this without the guilt, please clue me in. I haven't been able to be her taxi driver the last few days and she is not happy about it. She does understand why I can't, but her job is hassling her about it and in turn I feel guilty about it.

The icing on this particular cake is the fact that it is snowing. I've lived in the snow belt most of my life and while I don't particularly care for it, it also doesn't bother me too much usually. For the last decade I drove a minivan that went like a tank through the snow, never had a problem getting anywhere with it. In May Musicman bought me a new car, a sporty little thing that I love. I discovered this morning when I got home, it doesn't go through the snow like the van did, I couldn't get in the driveway with it so I basically abandoned it on the street.  I have always done that before without a problem because Musicman always just took care of it for me. I am very spoiled, I never do outside stuff unless it's something I choose to do. I haven't even put gas in my own car since the day I met Musicman, he just always takes care of me. I'm so overwhelmed at the moment I don't even know where to start, that is not like me at all, I am usually very efficient, assess the situation make a plane of attack and execute it.

Years ago I ran across a prayer that really struck a chord with me, I love it so much that I have it framed and on display in my home where I see it every day, I memorized it long ago, it has become a personal mantra for me. I don't know where it is from, if you recognize it please let me know. It goes like this:

                May I be at peace
                May my heart remain open
                May I know the beauty of my own true nature
                May I be healed.