Tuesday, September 11, 2018

First Time

When was the last time you did something for the first time? 

That's a song by Darius Rucker.  It has really resonated  with me ever since I heard it.   I am very much an adventurous person, not necessarily a thrill seeker, but definitely adventurous.  That song made me realize how stagnant our life had become.  So I've decided to change that.

T helped me get started.  My brother's 50th birthday occurred while I was down with them. He wanted to ignore it, she wanted to plan something epic for him.  So we set about planning .

We recruited some good friends. A young neighbor family with 3 young kids and another neighbor friend, a single mom and her young son.   We rented a pontoon boat for the afternoon. We had plenty of food and beverages.  Trying to coordinate and get everyone to the place on time, without telling my brother what was going on, was a bit challenging but we pulled it off.  None of us had ever been on a pontoon boat before.  We had an absolute blast.  Watching my brother help the little ones take turns driving the boat is a precious memory I will forever hold close.  He told T and  I that it was the most fun he'd had since they moved south 4 years ago.  That alone made all the stress of  planning and executing that adventure worth it.

That wasn't the only adventurous thing I did while with them.  I had lots of first time moments, but I also fulfilled a bucket list item.  There is something I've been wanting to do for many years.  Again I recruited T and the wife of the young couple who went on the boat with us, we've become very close.

I got my nipples pierced.  I wasn't afraid or worried at all. In fact T and Ash were getting other things pierced, nothing nearly as exotic as their nipples, but they were practically hyperventilating when we pulled into the parking lot of the piercing place.  I  volunteered to go first.  The piercer was quick and very professional.  It took about 10 minutes and T and Ash couldn't believe that I carried on a normal conversation the whole time. 

Musicman is totally obsessed with them, though a bit bummed that he can't play with them yet.  It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that I got them done.  They are healing well, so hopefully soon he will be able to give them the attention he'd like.   He is determined that I'm going to wear a chain connecting them together.  I'm not opposed to that, but realistically, it's gonna be a while before that can safely happen.

And now for something on the serious side. For any of my readers in the path of Hurricane Florence,  please be safe.  My brother and T are in a place that is going to take a direct hit. Evacuations have been issued but my brother is refusing to leave.  T is scared out of her mind and stressed beyond belief.  I'll be praying for everyone in it's path and some positive thoughts from y'all would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, September 7, 2018

His Oh Shit Moment

Where to even begin? So much has happened.  Despite the heaviness in my heart about the end of my marriage I had a wonderful time with my brother and T.  They take excellent care of me and are totally 100% supportive of whatever I need to do to be happy and healthy.

I spent the first couple weeks relaxing, letting my shoulder heal and enjoying adventures with them.  T and I talked extensively about what I needed to do to physically leave my home and start my new life.  I actively planned what I would be taking with me, not very much, and how I was going to get those things along with myself to my new home.  I had a viable plan complete with a doable timeline.

During this time Musicman continued to text me several times a day.  I cringed every time he did.  It was very much like texting with a distant acquaintance.  Our inability to talk about anything important or relevant to our relationship just reinforced for me the need to leave. 

Then something happened, something changed.  Not with me, with Musicman.  He wanted to come down and see me.  He said he missed me. He said he wanted me back.  I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.  I had no reason to believe that he had changed or that him coming to see me would change anything.  I'll be honest, I didn't want him coming down and ruining my sanctuary.  I didn't want bad memories of him haunting me in a place I felt safe and empowered enough to start life over.

A few days after that text I received a phone call from Musicman. He was very distraught and emotional.  That in itself is quite out of character for him.  He admitted that he'd made many mistakes in the last few years.  He admitted and apologized for the fact that those mistakes really hurt me.  He asked again if he could come and see me.

I was reluctant to let him come.  I set some very clear ground rules for him if he did come down.  He agreed to those ground rules and he did come down.  I was tentatively hopeful that he not only meant the things he had said to me but also that his actions would align with his words.

Musicman has never taken a long distance trip without me.  He's always the driver and I'm the navigator,  that has always worked well for us.  This trip was his first test, he had to do it alone.  For various reasons that were not of his doing a 10 hour drive turned into 13 hours. 

I was excited to see him, but a bit nervous too.  Had he really changed?  Was he really going to be the man I loved so much or was he playing me?  I  truly didn't know and that scared me.

Things started out well.  I saw the change in him immediately.  He was again the man I fell in love with all those years ago, the man I wanted, the man I needed him to be.  We had a wonderful couple of days together, then things went off the rails.

One evening, after a lovely day together, the Musicman of the last few years came back.  Things got ugly.  I felt like a complete idiot for believing him, for believing he had meant all the things he said.  I definitely felt I had made a big mistake letting him come down. 

T,  bless her soul, stepped in and acted as a mediator and counselor.  We talked and talked and talked.  I felt like we were going in circles and accomplishing nothing.  To say Musicman is stubborn is an understatement and there were things he had made his mind up about that he just couldn't let go of.  Things that would make it impossible for us to move forward together. 

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  I left Musicman and T still talking and showered and went to bed.  I'm not sure what T said, but the next morning Musicman and I talked again.  This time he heard me,  he let go of his preconceived notions and actually listened and validated what I was saying.  My Musicman was back.

The rest of our visit went very well.  I came home with Musicman, though we both wished we could have stayed longer.  I was a bit worried that things might not continue to go well once we got home.  So far they are, much to my pleasant surprise. 

Musicman did something huge that really went a long way toward restoring my trust in him.  A huge sticking point for me was the fact that our adult son was living in our home.  Musicman had told him he was coming to see me and that he needed to be out of the house when we got home. 

Our son wasn't home when we got home, but his stuff was here. That made me very nervous and unhappy.  He showed up the next afternoon.  I know it wasn't easy, but Musicman confronted him and told him he couldn't stay.   He actually listened and left.  We've spent our first week home cleaning and reclaiming our home and reconnecting with each other.

I still don't know what happened that finally caused Musicman to make the changes he needed to make to keep me from leaving.  I have no plans to ask either.  Whatever it was isn't nearly as important to me as the fact that it did happen. 

I have my loving, devoted Musicman back. Our communication is better than ever and we are both actively working on making our relationship better everyday.  This is definitely not where I saw myself a month ago, but  I'm so glad I took the risk and gave him a chance.  I'm once again a happy faerie.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

The Next Chapter

I'm currently enjoying the warmth and sunshine south of the Mason-Dixon line.   I've been back here with my brother and T for a little over a week now. 

I'm following doctor's orders,  resting and allowing my shoulder to heal.  I have to head back up north at the end of the month for my next check up.  I don't want to go.

Musicman and I finally had a much needed discussion before I left. Getting Musicman to talk about our relationship is nearly impossible.  It was never easy, but has become much worse over the past year or two.  That fact in itself has been a big issue for me, but I was determined and pushed until he talked.

I wasn't really surprised with what he had to say, his actions have been saying it for quite sometime, but it still stung a bit to hear.  He told me, " I used to want you.  I want to want you, but you make it too hard."

I'm not the type of person to stay somewhere I'm not wanted.  I now find myself trying to wrap my head around the fact that after more than 3 decades I'm going to be single again.

I'm not afraid, a little sad, but oddly, a little relieved.  I've experienced and survived so many life changes, so I know I will survive this one too.  I'm trying to find the positives in this situation, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm trying to picture in my head what my life might look like as I move forward, but I'm  not there yet either. 

One thing I know for sure, I won't have to face this next chapter of my life alone.  I have the full support of my brother and T.  While I'm grateful beyond words for that, I've realized I've never actually had that in my life before.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  No one, not even Musicman ever really loved, cared and supported me for me. 

Monday, July 16, 2018

Post-op Post

It's  been a little over a week since my surgery. It took 3 hours instead of 1 hour as they expected.  They found significantly more damage than was expected.  That resulted in 2 incisions around my shoulder instead of 1.

I'm in a sling again and am not supposed to move the shoulder at all.  That makes simple things like bathing, dressing or using the bathroom quite the challenge, but I'm doing pretty good with it all.

As I expected, Musicman is not a good caregiver.  I was really hoping he would step up and put my needs first, but that hasn't happened .   In fact he acts quite put out if I ask him for help, so I don't  ask unless it's absolutely necessary.

Our son is still here, I  haven't spoken  a single word to him, nor has he spoken to me.  Musicman would like me to make amends with my son, but I did nothing wrong and have nothing to say to him. Especially since something as simple as him not liking my tone of voice can set him off.

I have my post-op appointment on Thursday.  Once I have that and find out what comes next with my shoulder, will dictate what I do next. 

Honestly, I  just keep thinking,  I want to go home. To me that is no longer here, it's down south with my brother and T.  I've actually felt that way since I got back.  I'm not happy here, I am when I'm down there. 

Musicman has no idea, that I'm aware of, that I'm planning on leaving. Though really he shouldn't be surprised, I told him I would not stay if our son was here.  Musicman has done nothing to make him leave.

The positive is I'm healing well. And while leaving here and Musicman isn't a positive thing and definitely isn't going to be easy, the thought of doing it,  getting through it, makes me happy.  I just don't feel like I belong here anymore.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Return to Reality

I'm back home. I ended up staying an extra week. My sister-in-law is dealing with a very difficult issue with her mom.  She has dementia and T was forced to place her in a long term care facility a year and a half ago.

The care is horrific and her mom has been declining fast due to the rampant neglect. When I visited last time, about 6 months ago, I was so appalled at her condition I called  Adult Protective Services. They did investigate and still have an open case. Unfortunately those things take time and things have only gotten worse .

Due to a threat made by the facility, we now have the local and state ombudsman, the state licensure board and legal aid involved. The threat was received Friday evening before I was scheduled to leave on Saturday.  T was in a full blown melt down, I  couldn't leave her like that.  Also, I've  spent almost 40 years in healthcare , primarily caring for the elderly.  I had to stay and help her fight for her mom.  It's going to take awhile for everything to work out, but all the right people have been contacted and the issues are being addressed.

I've spent this week getting settled back in here at home and getting ready for my surgery.  Next Friday is the big day.  I'm nervous, but so ready for my shoulder to be fixed.

I was so hoping that time away would help with some clarity between Musicman and myself.  It has, but not in the way I was hoping for.

I may have mentioned before that my son has rage issues, primarily directed at women. He also has a habit of carrying large hunting style knives and a very large scary handgun on him at all times.  Late last summer he came after me in a rage.  Musicman did not step in to stop it or to protect me. I told my son he had to leave, he did.  I made it clear to Musicman that I would no longer live in fear or as a prisoner in my own home.

Two days before I left my son showed up beating on the door saying he'd been kicked out of his apartment. I did not let him in.  I had found out earlier that day that he had been staying with a female cousin of his who is close in age to him and he was close to.  That was after he'd been kicked out of 2 different friends places.  His cousin contacted me later and told me what happened.  He terrorized her, raging at her just like he does to me.  It was so bad she called the police to get him out.

My son needs help, but he's almost 23 years old. In the state I live in you can't force anyone over the age of 14 to get help unless they harm themselves or someone else.  I specifically told Musicman that I knew our son would show up again and if he let him in I was done.  Is anyone surprised that the day I left he showed up and Musicman let him in?

The whole 6 weeks I was gone Musicman promised me he would be gone when I got home.  Anyone surprised I'm home and my son is still here?  I'm not, I love my son very much, but he needs to grow up and Musicman continues to enable his bad behavior, at the cost of my safety and peace of mind.

I've made no hard decisions yet, I'm solely focused on my health and my upcoming surgery.  I have a plan in place to keep myself safe through my surgery and recovery.  I've had long talks with T and my brother and have a plan in place to get out once I'm cleared from my surgeon's care if it's needed. Of course I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but unfortunately, right now, it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen.

Friday, May 4, 2018

Busy busy bee

So things here have been busy busy with boring vanilla stuff.

Paperwork out my ass for my inpending surgery.  Might not be so bad if my hands and arms didn't go numb 3 minutes after I start.  Which wouldn't be the case if I would consent to neck surgery .  Or they could look it up in the computer, but why make things easier for the patient?

Neck surgery?  Not happening anytime soon.

Irritated beyond belief at the ineptness of the insurance companies and the need for the continued fight for the benefits I paid for.  I  don't suffer fool's and idiots easily, and that seems to be what I'm dealing with at every turn.

There was no answer to my email to Musicman.  I waited a week. Nothing.  Not even an acknowledgement that he got it or read it.

I told myself I wasn't gonna confront him.  I  wasn't gonna ask about it.  Yeah right.  I did.

He didn't have much to say about it.  He seems quite happy I'm leaving for a month.

I'll be busy with pre-op testing and other medical stuff when I get home.  Once I do get home it'll only be 3 weeks till my shoulder surgery.  There's a chance, depending on how the healing goes I'll have to go through a second procedure.

So not looking forward to that, or Musicman as my nurse.  Seriously contemplating leaving for good once I'm healed from the surgery.

Yes, I know that breaks the vows I said, and that pains me greatly.  But I seriously think if he can betray me, lie to me and put me last on his list of concerns, then maybe if I have a chance to be happy, I should take it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

I'd like off this Rollercoaster please

Life is full of ups and downs, much like a roller coaster .  We've certainly had our share of roller coaster moments over the last few years.  I don't like roller coasters and would like to get off now please.

I have anxiety issues, bad enough that I take medication for it.  I also tend to be a huge over thinker.  I'm working very hard to stop that, cause when I do, I find myself spiraling into a bad place very quickly.  I don't like myself when I'm like that, so I can't imagine anyone else even wanting to be around me.

Despite trying very hard not to I was spiraling pretty bad on Sunday.  Musicman recognized this and thought a spanking and some playtime might help.  I was skeptical, but he went ahead and got the crop out.

A spanking and playtime did occur.  It helped some, but it also felt kind of akward.  I've never felt that way before from a spanking and/or playtime.  So of course I had to think and rethink, and rethink, ad nauseum, as to why I felt that way.  It clearly was not the outcome Musicman intended and I fear I may have hurt his feelings or shaken his confidence.  Not what I intended at all.

I did eventually figure out what happened that made me feel that way.  Knowing that Musicman is not the best communicator, especially when it comes to these kinds of things,  I did what I thought was the next best thing.  I emailed him an explanation.  I know he read it, but there's been no response yet.

Obviously I'm hoping he does respond, but we do have a lot going on.  I'm getting ready to go see my brother and T.  I'm planning on being gone about a month.  Musicman doesn't like it when I'm gone that long, but this may be the only time I get to see them this year and I want to make the most of it.

Three weeks after I get home I'll be having surgery to fix my shoulder.  It's been almost a year since my injury.  All noninvasive treatments have been tried and unfortunately there has been no significant healing, so surgery is the only choice left.  And poof, there goes the summer that hasn't even started yet.