Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Progress Sucks Sometimes

Progress doesn't always move in a straight line. In fact, in order to reach to your ultimate goal, often you have to backtrack through territory you thought was well behind you so you can learn something you missed the first time around. Stressing out about lost time isn't worth the worry, though. Just sit back and enjoy the scenery -- after all, isn't that the point of life?    

I received the above words of wisdom in an email a few weeks back. These words have resonated with me for the last several weeks. It so adequately describes where I am in my life right now. We have cycled around and arrived back at the beginning of our relationship, in so many ways. 

It's not just the D/s, or the kink. That has definitely taken a back seat lately  It just feels as if our day to day interactions are being redefined. It sorta feels like I have no idea, who I actually am anymore. 

Am I a wife?
Am I a Mother?
Am I an employee?
Am I a housekeeper?
Am I a provider?
Am I a taxicab driver?
Am I an alarm clock?
Am I a childcare provider?

Does lover, or vital woman, even figure in there some where? Do I even care?
I just don't know anymore.

He, Musicman, continues to be my anchor, but I'm currently struggling to see the horizon. I had plans, I had goals, I worked hard. Other peoples poor choices have derailed those and I strive with all my heart not to resent my current situation. Who wants to live with resentment? Not me!

I said vows. That was a choice I made. I take that very seriously. That is what keeps me here. Those vows have lead me to a place I never thought I would be again. It's now a struggle everyday to face my reality.  So NOT what I planned.

I'm not the type to give up, so, now I punt. Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.



Thursday, January 29, 2015

A Fairy Tale?

Once upon a time there was a young girl, a beautifully broken young girl. Life had tried it's very best to use her, wear her down and make a victim of her. She was a strong young girl and refused to stay a victim for long. She escaped her family of abusers and struck out on her own at the tender age of 17.  She ran away, far away, and despite the fact that she found herself utterly alone in the world, she felt relief and she finally felt somewhat safe.

She started to fashion a life for herself.  Her life wasn't easy, often she was scared and lonely, but she never showed it. She worked hard and played even harder. All the while keeping her secrets of the past from everyone. She let no one get close to her, cause that wasn't safe and being safe was tantamount to her.

The young broken girl quickly learned to use people for her own gain. She especially learned to use and manipulate men in an attempt to take back the power she had had stolen from her. It worked too. For every man she used and threw away she felt more powerful, more in control and less the victim she had been. She had become a survivor, or so she thought.

One night the broken young girl met a handsome young man. A young man who wanted her and refused to take no for an answer, though she said it repeatedly. He just wouldn't listen to her, he overwhelmed her and swept her off her feet. The handsome young man declared his love for her almost immediately. She protested most vociferously, "how can you possibly love me? You don't even know me."

That mattered not to the handsome young man. He knew what he wanted...her. He declared his love for her again and refused to take no for answer. Though the broken young girl tried to talk him out of it, tried her very best to use him and throw him away the way she had with all the others in her life, he would have none of it.

He persisted in his pursuit of her and eventually won her heart. He teased and tempted her with glimpses of what her life with him could be. He showered her with love and affection. He even shared his large, loving family with her. It scared her at first as she had no idea how to be a part of a loving family. She had never experienced that before and didn't truly believe that such a thing even existed. He showed her how wrong she was and she loved him even more for it.

The beautifully broken young girl started to feel not so broken anymore. She started to learn to trust enough to share the secrets of her horrifying past with him. He accepted her for what she was and vowed he would always protect her. The young woman wasn't so sure she believed him, but she was tired of being alone and really wanted to believe him.

The broken young girl took a chance and agreed to be his wife. The handsome young man was ecstatic about her decision but he had a few simple rules she had to agree to. Divorce was not an option. Sleeping anywhere other than in his bed was not an option. The broken young girl agreed with him, but had a stipulation of her own. Sex would never be used as a weapon. The handsome young man agreed whole heartedly and they married soon after.

It sounds like a fairy tale doesn't it? Fairy tales have happy endings don't they? I used to think so, but now, I'm not so sure.


Sunday, January 25, 2015

The First Step

I've come here so many times over the last few weeks. I've thought that if I could write about things it might help me process everything.

That hasn't really been the case, it all still hurts too much. It's time to rip off the bandaid of denial and face reality.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago. Angry words were exchanged. Silence ensued, then a conversation was held.

A conversation that revealed he's not really all that interested in the things I'm interested in. A conversation that made me understand, he has held all the power he's interested in holding all along.

Damn! I'm so stupid! I literally handed over all my power all those years ago, without ever defining what I needed in return. I didn't define it because I couldn't. For me, what I need, what I want, is a fluid thing. It's ever changing.

It has become very clear to me that what I want, what I need, is a mute point. Some might think that as a sub, this situation would make me deliriously happy. Apparently, I'm not a very good sub, because this makes me anything but happy.

He's given me permission to leave. Hell, he's done more than that, he flat out told me to leave. I'm no longer what he wants. I'm too high maintenance, too much for him to handle. If I ever was, I am no longer, a priority for him. He would be so much happier if I would just go away and let him live his life with his kids and grandchild. That is where his priorities lay.

After almost three decades together, I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do. I know I can survive alone, I've done it before. I just never really thought that would ever really happen to me again. I thought I had made wise choices. I thought I had chosen to trust the right person. It seems I was wrong and that hurts.

I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel pain. I feel a crippling pain that I need to get through so I can figure out how to move on.

This hurts more than I can articulate, but, maybe it is the first step in moving beyond the pain. Isn't that what they say? Acceptance is the first step?


Thursday, November 13, 2014

Comfortablly Numb

I know I've been a bit MIA lately, life has just been so hectic. And, to be honest, just a bit easier if I don't take the time to examine it. That's why I haven't written in so long, even though I know writing is a good thing for me. The crux of the issue is that I am really just so much better at taking care of everyone else than I am myself.

The grandbaby is 14 months old now. She is absolutely freakin adorable, yet totally exhausting. Things have changed recently that have necessitated me taking on a more active role in her care. Couple that with the fact that, instead of work lightening up as it usually does this time of year, it is ramping up and life becomes one big ground hog's day.

Musicman is also working more hours at work and side jobs every weekend. He just can't ever say no when people call and ask for help. My phone has been ringing constantly lately. I love that about him, until it becomes so overwhelming that he no longer has time for me. He hasn't had time for me in a couple months now and I haven't had the time, energy or interest in fighting for more.

Sad but true, kink has been all but forgotten and sex, even in the vanilla form, has gone from about every other day to once every 2 weeks. Most days it's all we can do to fall into bed together and hold hands while we drift off to sleep.

It's just part of the natural ebb and flow of life. We've been together 29 years and I've seen and experienced this pattern before. I know it will pass with time. We won't wait too much longer, hopefully, to reclaim each other. We never do.

In the mean time, Mother Nature has dumped a foot of snow on us in a twelve hour period, with more to come. Ugh, other than Christmas Eve, I hate snow. I'm a hothouse flower, caught in the middle of a white out that will last for the next several months. I find the absence of color in my life somewhat depressing.

We are ramping up for the holidays and I'm not sure when I will be able to come up for a breath. I've not given a thought as to when kink may come back into my life. I miss it, but, it's not a huge problem either. I'm really just comfortably numb right now and that's okay, for the moment.

Firefly in Her Element ~ by Martina Avery-Perry

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Caught in His Web

Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
orgasm denial,


"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Within His Boundaries

I've been a bit intrigued, mystified and in awe, of something that happened just the other night. It was a brief conversation, yet it threw me into a bit of a tail spin. It made my mind spin into knots that seemed way too complicated to even begin to try and unravel. Those are the times that make me appreciate housework.

I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.

I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.

I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.

I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.

A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.

Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.

I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.
Summer Fairy by Aramisdream on deviantART

Sunday, September 21, 2014

His Proposal

No, I do not mean a proposal of marriage. That came a few decades ago and technically, I think I was the one that proposed, but that's a story for another day. 

He proposed a new rule. Yes, I said a "rule". That threw me off a little, cause we don't have rules, per se. We have expectations, but not rules, and now he is proposing one.

He proposed a rule regarding a specific act of service to be done daily. My first thought, Ummm...okay, I could do that. The proposed act is something I enjoy immensely, so performing it daily would be easy for me.

Then I really started thinking about it. I realized that not only would it be easy for me, but it's something I really do want to do, for many reasons. I realized that this particular act would be a wonderful way him for to exert more control, something I would like, but don't push for.

There are many different ways this act can be completed, he knows it and so do I. I have let my imagination run away with me a bit. I've thought of all the many scenario's that could occur surrounding this act and the fact that he controls all of them. That is something I find very hot, something I really do want.

I also realized that if we really do put this rule into place that it will definitely help him grow as a dominant. He has always shied away from asking me for this particular thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he thinks it is selfish of him. That's it's something a man shouldn't ask for too often maybe? I know he believes whenever we are intimate I should always be satisfied. That's not something I am going to argue with by any means, but I don't think he realizes that I do find this satisfying.

If it were the only thing that ever happened, I wouldn't find it that way, but if he is in control of the situation, he can choose how it plays out. That's what I want, that's what I find so appealing about this proposal. It would be a blatant show of his control on a daily basis. Yep, I'd most definitely be good with this rule.

He hasn't really implemented it, yet. I don't even know if he has really thought any more about it, but I hope he does. I think I could get used to having rules if this is going to be our first one.

The Art Of Animation, Haoyuan