Tuesday, June 4, 2019

When the World Crumbles

The urge to write has become overwhelming.  I wish I had the time and capability to visit and write more often.  I know I've not been very good at answering comments, but please know that I read them all and appreciate the positive energy and support.

I'm knee deep in a 2 year battle for the benefits I've paid into for the last 40 years. If y'all can spare a positive thought or prayer on the 20th, it would be helpful. I go before a judge that day and he/she will make a judgment about my future.

Musicman  and I are still living with my brother and T.  Thing's are going very well with that. I spend most days with 2 beautiful pit bulls, they are total love bugs and are great listener's . I definitely need that because Musicman is not adjusting to the move very well.

Musicman has told me it feels like his world is crumbling around him.  I understand that, but I'm embracing it.  Instead of focusing on what is crumbling, I focus on the new growth coming through the pile of crumbs.  I am still trying to get him to look at it that way.  It's most definitely an uphill battle.

I love the fact that the sun comes out every day. I love the warmth, we had temperatures in the high 90's  last week. So different from where we used to live.  I love the awesome tan I've already gotten, 10 minutes at a time while taking the doggies out.  Musicman hates the weather, his job and this city. He's definitely not embracing the changes.

His chosen profession is very much in demand here. One would think that would make finding a good job easy.  In our experience, not so much.  Employers here have no qualms about lying to him or omitting certain information in order to get him to take the job. We're still looking for a good fit for him. It's very hard to watch him struggle.

Help!!!  Help!!!  Help!!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

An Entirely New Start

It's been about a month now since our move.  I'm not gonna lie, the first couple of weeks were rough.  Very rough.

Musìcman was extremely stressed and taking it out on me.  I was doing everything I knew to be understanding and supportive, but he was saying and doing some very hurtful things.  I really began to regret giving him another chance.

I really thought that when I left him back in November he would have realized that I've changed.  We had enough conversations that I thought he grasped the fact that I am no longer going to allow him to disrespect me in any way.  He didn't.

Sad to say,  but things became so bad that I told him to pack his stuff and go back to where we moved from.  He didn't, but he has had a major change in attitude.

He's finally starting to realize that we have opportunities here to make a better life for ourselves.  He's starting to learn how to relax and enjoy himself again, something he had forgotten how to do.  I'm starting to see more and more glimpses of the wonderful man I fell in love with all those years ago.

Due to the fact that we are living with my brother and T  there have not been much chances for playtime,  but  I'm very hopeful that will change once we find our own place.

I don't believe that once we get our own place that playtime will just be picked up where we left off.  I don't want that.  We definitely need to redefine what TTWD is for us.  An entirely new start.  I'm looking forward to that.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

New Year, New Beginning

Hi all.  So much has happened since I was last able to write.

I spent time getting settled in with my brother and T.  It truly feels like home to me and I've been very happy there.  The only thing missing was Musicman.

It's hard to walk away from a 33 year relationship, especially  when you don't want to, but I had to.  If I was going to survive and thrive, be happy again, I  had to leave. I left it up to him to make the decision to join me or not.

It didn't take him too long before  he was saying he made a mistake.  He admitted he had been focusing on all the wrong things when he should have been focusing on me.  Yep, sounds good, but what are you going to do about it ?   At this point, words mean very little to me.  I want to see action.

He got vacation time at the new year. He came down the weekend before New Year's.  I was cautiously optimistic about starting the new year with him in my new home.

He had several job interviews setup.  He knew I wasn't going back to our old home unless it was to pack up because he had a firm start date for a job in the city that was my new home.

I have family and friends in the new city.  I've  begun building a new life there.  I've definitely changed, but I still want him in my life.  I just want it on my terms.  Might seem like a lot to expect, but I've  given up a lot over the last many years for everyone else. This is my time.

I'm currently happily ecstatic and exhausted.  Musicman, the man who was born, raised and lived his entire  54 years in the same 5 mile radius, received multiple job offers in the city I now consider home.  He's moving 600 miles away from everything he's ever known.

A new city, a new job and eventually a new home.  And he's  doing  it to be with  me.  I'm so happy I don't even have words.  I've  wanted this for years, though I never  really thought it would happen.  Someone needs to pinch me so I know it's  real.

Things are hectic, and it may take me awhile to get back here, but hopefully I will, with tales of faerie flying again.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Short update

Hi everyone, thank you all for the support , it really is appreciated.  I thought of all of y'all during my drive yesterday .  It helped me quite a bit when I started getting nervous about doing the drive. 

I definitely had angels on my side. The drive was uneventful and I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing it. 

I obviously have quite a bit of things to do to get settled into this next phase of my life. Internet service is kind of spotty, but I'm hoping to be able to pop in occasionally with updates and to visit.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Thank you and farewell, for now

First I'd like to say, Thank You.  Thank you to my readers and commenters over all the many years I've come here to express my thoughts and emotions.

This is the most welcoming community I've ever had the privilege to be a part of.  No matter what I'm dealing with I've always been able to come here and express myself.  I've received love, support, friendship and the occasional kick in the ass when needed.

I wish blogland was a real physical place.  There have been so many days I would have given just about anything to pop in and have a cup of coffee or maybe a glass of wine and chat with y'all.  I've found much wisdom and strength from each and every one of you, be it through comments you've left, or what you've shared on your own blogs.  Y'all have helped me more than you can know.

Now for the farewell.

I've spent the  last several weeks getting my affairs in order.  I'm leaving Musicman.  Words I never thought I'd say.  Words that break my heart.  I still love him, but this relationship, the entire situation really,  is toxic.  If I don't leave I will not survive.  I  truly believe that and can not let that happen.

I'm leaving Sunday.  I'm going to be staying with my brother and T.  I've spent quite a bit of the last year with them and that truly is home for me now.

I'm scared.  I'm excited. I feel confident in my decision.  I feel free.  I'm looking forward to having a life and being happy again instead of just existing.

I don't know if I'll have much time or content to write about so I don't know if I'll ever come back.

I don't long distance drive. I tend to have panic attacks just being a passenger in a car on the highway.  I have to drive 300 miles by myself on Sunday.  Prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated, especially since there is a good possibility I'll be driving through a snow storm the first couple of hours.

I wish you all much love and happiness .

Friday, October 26, 2018

Self Preservation vs. Selfishness

Self-preservation  - noun,
Preservation  of oneself from destruction or harm.
A natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve ones own existence.

Selfishness  - noun,
Being concerned obsessively or exclusively, with oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.

These words and definitions have become an obsession for me. 

I haven't concerned myself much with the first one lately.  Years really.  Self care is not my strength.

I don't think anyone would accuse me of the second.  In fact, more to the point, I've  spent my entire adult life, both personally and professionally, caring for others. Sometimes to my own detriment.

I feel the need to change that.  I need to practice some self-preservation.  In order to survive and thrive again,  I have to learn self-preservation.

Ironically, I'm struggling with that.  It feels selfish to me.

Being a strong adult sucks, probably why I identify as submissive.

That's not actually working out so well, time to take my power back.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Trust and Communication

Trust, so crucial for a healthy, happy relationship.  I've often heard that it can take months, years, or even decades, to earn someone's trust.  I can reliably say that has been my experience.

There was a time, after many years, that I trusted Musicman without question.  I believed unconditionally that I could share anything with him and he would love and support me.  For many years, decades even, he did, until he didn't.

Disrespect, lies and betrayal became the cornerstone of our relationship.  Despite all that, I kept hanging in there.  Hoping and trying to make things better between us.  It didn't work, mostly  because I was the only one trying.

I finally accepted, after several separations over the span of a year, that what we had couldn't be fixed.  I accepted that my marriage was over. I just had to go back home to finalize some things, mostly health related.

Then what seemed like a miracle happened.  Musicman came for me.  He said everything I wanted and needed to hear.  He made promises that I wanted to believe.  I freely admit, I believed him.  However, trust broken isn't that easy to reestablish.

I actually have felt guilty during the last 2 months that I've been home I have not been open with my communication. I haven't entirely trusted him or his intentions.  I haven't been totally honest about what I want, intimacy wise.  It felt too soon for me. I needed more time, and actions from him before I felt I could fully commit to us again.  In short, I was guarding my heart.

Turns out I was wise to do that.  Yeah, without even a second thought, he betrayed me again.  He lied to me and put me in a position to fear for my physical safety.

I grew up a victim of horrific abuse. I  survived and even thrived and I made a vow to myself.

I. Will. NEVER. Be. A. Victim. Again.

I rarely give second chances.  Musicman got one because I love him so very much.  Unfortunately,  he didn't appreciate how much I loved him or how huge it was that he got a second chance.  He will not be getting a third chance.  I'll be getting my affairs in order and at age 54, starting a new life in a new place.

Wish me luck, I haven't been single since before the Internet began, not even sure I remember how.