Sunday, January 25, 2015

The First Step

I've come here so many times over the last few weeks. I've thought that if I could write about things it might help me process everything.

That hasn't really been the case, it all still hurts too much. It's time to rip off the bandaid of denial and face reality.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago. Angry words were exchanged. Silence ensued, then a conversation was held.

A conversation that revealed he's not really all that interested in the things I'm interested in. A conversation that made me understand, he has held all the power he's interested in holding all along.

Damn! I'm so stupid! I literally handed over all my power all those years ago, without ever defining what I needed in return. I didn't define it because I couldn't. For me, what I need, what I want, is a fluid thing. It's ever changing.

It has become very clear to me that what I want, what I need, is a mute point. Some might think that as a sub, this situation would make me deliriously happy. Apparently, I'm not a very good sub, because this makes me anything but happy.

He's given me permission to leave. Hell, he's done more than that, he flat out told me to leave. I'm no longer what he wants. I'm too high maintenance, too much for him to handle. If I ever was, I am no longer, a priority for him. He would be so much happier if I would just go away and let him live his life with his kids and grandchild. That is where his priorities lay.

After almost three decades together, I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do. I know I can survive alone, I've done it before. I just never really thought that would ever really happen to me again. I thought I had made wise choices. I thought I had chosen to trust the right person. It seems I was wrong and that hurts.

I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel pain. I feel a crippling pain that I need to get through so I can figure out how to move on.

This hurts more than I can articulate, but, maybe it is the first step in moving beyond the pain. Isn't that what they say? Acceptance is the first step?


*FAIRY

46 comments:

  1. Many, many, many hugs. I wish I was there to give you more hugs. I wish I could say something to make it better but all I can do is wish you the best of luck in dealing with all this. You are a strong woman and somehow you will cope and survive.and heal.

    FD

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    1. Thank you FD, it's nice to have friends that believe in me and remind me when needed how strong I am. I haven't been feeling very strong lately.

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  2. Hugs faerie :-( I hope these words were just in massive frustration from all the stress you have both been through over the last very long time. I feel your pain. I've been largely told the same thing. That I can go, that I can take my past and needs elsewhere, that he doesn't need me, and he can handle his kids on his own. They're my kids, and they're babies. Not babies but young enough that I still have to wash their hair and brush their teeth to get the spots they missed. They need mommy and I cant support myself let alone two kids. I've had to suck it up to keep my family together. So really no sage advice. Just hugs and understanding.

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    1. Oh Chickadee, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now. I too am hoping his words were just from frustration, but none the less they still hurt very badly.

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  3. Hugs....i am so very sorry to read this. My heart breaks for you. No real advice....but sometimes when one door slams...eventually a window opens....and the fresh air is just what you need...when you are ready. If it helps you please come back and vent...talk...whatever....we are here.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby, it is nice to have the love and support of friends. I don't have any close friends in RL that I could talk about this with so having this place to work through everything is priceless.

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  4. Faerie, OMG I never thought I would hear this. I'm so sorry, if you need a shoulder, I'm here. None of my info has changed.

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    1. I never thought I would heart his either. To say I'm shocked is an under statement. I sincerely appreciate all the support and friendship you have given me.

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  5. Oh sweet Faerie...I am so sorry! I'm with Sunny...never thought I would hear this! Sending lots of hugs, prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you Cat, just knowing that there are others out there listening(reading) and willing to lend me some support is tremendously helpful.

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  6. Oh Fearie, I am so very sorry to read this. My heart aches for you. Sending positive thoughts, prayers and many, many (((Hugs )))

    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, my heart is aching too and I'm pretty sure I am still in shock from what he said. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.

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  7. I'm so sorry to read this and wish there were suitable words of comfort I could bring you other then my thoughts and prayers.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. All the thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Support from friends means a lot to me and I have no friends in RL close enough to discuss this situation with. I'm so grateful to have this place to work through everything.

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  8. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think he's crazy. He seems to be choosing easy and immediate over his own long term happiness. And we all know that men don't always know what they want. Either way, this stinks and hurt for you. If talking helps at all we're here as a community for you and you have my email. Love you.

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    1. Oh PK, I never, ever thought it would be me doing a post of this nature. Everyone has hard times, but I truly thought he and I would get through anything life threw at us. To have him choose sides against me in any situation is a shock. I believe you are right, he is choosing easy and immediate over long term happiness, but how do I get him to see that?

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  9. Faerie, I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am speechless. How could he hurt you that much?! I am with PK, he chooses the easy way instead of long term happiness.

    I feel for you and hope you get through this unscathed, if this is possible. Sending positive thoughts your way,

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. HI Ni Na, I have asked myself that exact same question countless times. I doubt he even realizes how much those words hurt me. I know I won't get through this unscathed, but hopefully we will get through it intact and possibly better for it. Yeah....I'm trying to find a positive to this and it's really, really hard.

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  10. Oh Faerie, I am so sorry to hear this! :( My heart aches for you! Please hang in there and know that we are all here for you, and surrounding you with giant hugs, warm thoughts and prayers. And yes, please do let us know if we can help in any way.

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thank you Katie, I know you have been dealing with some very hard times yourself and wish you all the best too. All the support has been very much appreciated.

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  11. Oh faerie- there is little I can say to ease your hurt. I am here as a shoulder, a sounding board, whatever you may need. Many MANY hugs to YOU- you are deserving of every single one!!!
    XOXO

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    1. Thank you Pearl, I am still in a bit of shock about all this and have no idea what I am going to do but, the support from this wonderful community is appreciated. It's nice to have a place to go to not feel so alone.

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  12. Oh, Faerie,
    I am so sorry for your pain and hurt. Please know I am here for you in whatever way you need...you have a friend nearby sending lots of hugs and love and light...

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    1. Thank you. Your friendship means so much to me.

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  13. I'm sorry, Faerie, but I don't feel like sending you hugs. I feel like giving you a big kick up the backside. I am not part of the throw away and start again society. Sometimes relationships can be real mistakes. Sometimes they can be violent and abusive. I think those relationships are right to end. But I don't believe that about you and Musicman. In your case I believe absolutely and completely in the power of committed love.

    You've had a hard couple of years. You admitted yourself a few months ago that you were drifting apart. Don't be surprised that you've lost all sight of the closeness, the love. But that doesn't mean it isn't still there, can't be rekindled. Love is a decision we make about how to act towards another human being, to be kind, caring, compassionate, forgiving, even when we don't feel it. Love isn't just some random feeling that comes and goes. It comes when we make the decision to actively love another person and set about doing it.

    Deciding that Musicman is not the "right" one because he isn't riding the waves of life as well as he should, as well as anyone might hope, doesn't mean you should walk away. It means you should take a good long hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make things better. You can't control Musicman, but you can control yourself. And if you control yourself, you can ride the storms. You just have to believe it is worth it and have faith that you can reach the other side. Having read of your love for Musicman often enough in the past, I have no doubt that you can find that place again.

    Most folks promise to love one another through hell and high water. Well this is hell. So, are you going to throw in the towel and walk away, lick your wounds and hope for something better? Or are you going to pull yourself together and help you and Musicman, your children and your grandchildren reach the other side of hell? I really hope it's the latter.

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    1. Hello Anon, I really wish you had left a name, but it's okay that you didn't. First let me say, I agree with everything you said. Second, I did not decide that Musicman is not the "right" one. He did. That is a huge shock and very painful. I came here to try and figure everything out, to "take a look at myself" and decide how I can get this back on track. I appreciate your comment, I have and will likely continue to have many of the same thoughts you have expressed.

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  14. (((hugs))) oh Faerie, I'm so shocked and sorry to read this.

    Personally I feel it's Musicman that needs a kick up the backside (what IS he thinking?!) but maybe that's just me.

    Either way, love and thoughts and prayers xxx

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    1. It's not only you, I feel the same.

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    2. I think a kick up the backside right now may actually do him some good, unfortunately, I'm not really the violent type. That's probably a good thing for him. As for what he is thinking? I don't believe he was really thinking at all, just reacting. Proof positive that one should think before speaking cause, clearly, he didn't.

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  15. I am so sorry, Faerie! What a horrible thing to have to go through and now that the band aid is off and you are working towards acceptance, have you thought about what you are trying to accept? Acceptance that he doesn't want what you want? Acceptance that you are going to leave him? Acceptance that you are married and are going to have to work through this? Acceptance that the way you relate to each other is going to have to change?

    I am very much in the camp of pursuing long term happiness and the way you have talked about Musicman in the past makes me think that maybe, hopefully, long term happiness is possible and probable with him once a bit more of the hurt has passed and you've decided what you can and cannot accept.

    I wish you clear eyes, loving hearts and willing spirits to work it out and most of all I wish you happiness however and where ever things end up.

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    1. Thank you Cygnet for the lovely, thoughtful comment. I am still trying to figure out what exactly I can and cannot accept. I have been with Musicman more than half my life and can't even imagine him not being in it anymore. Having said that, I also don't know how much more of the current situation I can accept or what I can do about it. I have many things to think about before I find any kind of solution.

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  16. I, too, am sorry to hear what you're going through and am sending hugs. I'm hoping that the hurtful words were a continuation of the argument and that another conversation will not be as bleak.

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    1. Thank you Meg, I'm hoping the same thing. I have a lot of thinking to do and obviously we will be having more conversations about this. I just need to get past some of the pain so that I can speak articulately and intelligently instead of from a place of pain.

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  17. Dear Faerie, I think that Musicman is ignoring the reality that he couldn't have a pleasant life with kids and grandkids unless you were there. Keeping my fingers crossed that you find your way through this to wherever you need to be. Hugs...

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    1. Hi Sofia, I think you are right. Musicman hasn't really thought about what life without me in it would be like. He hasn't really had to because I have always been here for him, for more than half our lives. I don't believe he really meant what he said, but I also don't think he realizes how much pain it has caused me either.

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  18. I wonder if his words were spoken in the heat of his hurt and anger? Perhaps trying an independent counselor would be a next step? I wish you peace as you work towards your next steps forward....and sending hugs and energys for coping...

    nilla

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    1. Hi nilla, I would like to think that he said those words from a place of hurt and anger. Unfortunately, hurt and anger is also what those words caused. You are not the first one to suggest a counselor. I would do it, but, Musicman? Not so much.

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  19. I am so sorry my dear. I don't have any sage words of advice, or ass kicking (the right kick in the butt can sometimes be more valuable)But I can understand your hurt at that devastating pronouncement Musicman made. All i have is the long distance empathy of an on-line friend. I wish it was more.

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    1. little monkey, I've often wished I could offer more to my online friends too. I can't, but it is comforting to know that someone cares. Thank you for that.

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  20. Hi Faerie, this is my first time commenting here although I have read before. i just want to say how sorry I am, you have all my sympathy. I do not agree with Anon, how mean. Musicman is being cruel and you deserve better
    much love Jan,xx

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    1. Thank you for the lovely supportive comment. Initially I thought anon was mean too, but as I said to whomever that is, they voiced things I've already thought. Maybe it is a submissive thing to want to place blame upon myself when it isn't really my fault?

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  21. Adding in more hugs, hon. I am so so sorry to read this. :( Here to listen or offer support should you need it. :( Hugs. xx

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    1. Thank you Amber, I have a lot to work through and a supportive shoulder is very much appreciated.

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  22. I wish the best of the world for you.

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