Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Not Yet Within My Reach

My mind is swirling with chaos, thoughts bombarding, confusing, overwhelming. Each thought, briefly held, too quickly, pushed aside by another, louder, thought.  If I detach and look at them without the effects of emotion, they look like a vast, barren landscape, over run by giant, menacing tumbleweeds.

Ohhhh....I don't like it there, it frightens me. So, I get out my Superwoman cape and dive blindly back into the whirlpool of emotion. I add in the physical activity of familiar chores, too keep my hands and body busy. It helps me sort the tangle in my mind if my hands are busy and productive. Yep...stress cleaning is a therapy for me. Though in this case, it's stress unpacking. I arrived home late last night.

So many poignant moments, flashing like a slide show through my head. Each one emitting the full force of emotion. Battering me until I have passed exhaustion and collided with oblivion. My existence, sustained by adrenaline and the energy of love. We come together and share our individual pain, love transforms that energy, into exactly what we each need, at that moment.

There is no sense of normalcy and, at this moment, I know only one thing. Normal is being redefined. It is the pain of change, of loss, that can either break, or bind. That is the only choice currently within my control.

It's made easier by the ironies of life, thrust so boldly into the forefront. It's as if the universe wants to make sure I can't miss the balance of energy being offered. I gladly grab it and make the choice to bind myself with the truly important things.  Love, family, friends, nurturing relationships and storing away an abundance of memories.

I embrace the miracle of new life, while mourning the loss of others. The joy, a bit of a buffer, from pain that seems too much to comprehend. A brief moment, an innocent smile, small toes and that "new baby smell" that distracts long enough for my face to dry, before the tears fall again.

Reality, a harsh reminder, of lessons long ago learned, but forgotten in the rush and tumble of life. The distractions we sometimes fill our life with, that rob us of the time, energy and opportunity to truly live, love and enjoy life, so quickly faded into the background. Why did we ever allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking they were important?

So many unknowns hanging in the balance causing the road to become obscured. No clear step forward is seen, but standing still is not an option either. A nightmare we can't wake up from. A surreal fog, that engulfs and isolates us. In that isolation, we cling even more tightly to one another, forever grateful, for the love that binds us together and lends us the strength we need to face our current reality, acceptance is still not within our reach.