I often read that many subs have rules, we don't and that's okay. The one rule I see quite a bit is the no masturbation without permission rule. If we had rules, I think this would be the perfect one for me. I would never break that rule, cause I don't masturbate, ever. I never really learned how, cause I never needed to know how. A lack of sex partners has never been an issue for me and I saw no other reason to do it.
I will say that watching me masturbate is something Musicman would like to see. I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, how many times I have actually done this for him. I'm just not very comfortable with doing it and have only recently tried to learn how.
I'm trying to learn not because I want to do it, or because he is pushing me to do it, he isn't. It just seems like such a silly hangup to have. Also the urge to please him is something I feel strongly, but in this situation, hasn't helped me much. Every time I convince myself I am going to do it for him, I have chickened out.
Yep, that's me, a big, huge chicken. But, the more I think about it, the more I would like to get past this hangup. I don't think it is ever anything I would do on a regular basis, but it would be nice to be able to do it for him. I'm mean really, what middle aged woman who isn't a nun can't masturbate? Ridiculous really.
I know a lot of women were told growing up that good girls don't do that. I was never told that, in fact I was never told anything about sex. It might actually be easier for me to do if I thought good girls didn't do it, cause I've never been a good girl. Good girls don't have periods of time in their life they refer to as the "slut years."
I think my hangup is more about embarrassment then anything else. What if I try and it doesn't work? What if I look totally ridiculous when I do it? What if, what if, what if....I could drown in all the what ifs I can come up with. It would really be easier to just forget about it, but I've never been the type to take the easy way out. Besides that, if I can get past all the what ifs and actually do it, well, he would be pleased and that would make me happy.
So, I had a brilliant idea or at least it seemed brilliant at the time. Now that I've actually done it, I'm a bit nervous. What was the brilliant idea you ask? I made a video of myself and emailed it to him. Of course, if you read here with any regularity you know Musicman doesn't check his email on any kind of regular basis. That means I have to actually find the nerve to tell him I sent the email.
I'm already trying to think of a good place to run and hide after I tell him.
Just a quick update, apparently there was a "what if" I hadn't considered. What if I do all this and then can't send the damn email. My camera battery died shortly after I did the video, so I plugged it in to charge while I wrote this post. I waited to actually publish the post to make sure it worked, it didn't. I've been trying for hours and have no idea what the problem is but the email won't send.
I'm frustrated and disproportionately upset about it all. This was supposed to be something simple to please him and I can't seem to manage even that. So if he is ever to see the video he will have to view it on the camera. So if anyone who knows something about this tech stuff can tell me what I'm doing wrong, it would be greatly appreciated. In the mean time, I hope you at least had a good laugh about it all.