Cravings

I'm sitting here waiting for dinner to finish cooking. I've had a long day and a longer couple weeks. I have serious issues I'm dealing with and decisions that need to be made. Things continue to change, moment by moment, or so it seems. I'm used to the fact that life often gets to be a bit crazy. Yet, I recognize that I crave.

I crave the pain, I crave the dominance, I crave the escape it provides. I crave the need to do nothing but breathe, feel, experience. I crave.

Isn't that enough?

It should be. If he knew, it would be.

Do I know why I crave the pain and the dominance? No.

Does that fact really matter? No, not as far as I'm concerned.

I've lived my life by his standards for the past 30 years. That has kept me in good steed, but it has left me wanting. Not because he has failed me, but, because I crave. I crave an escape. I don't want him to ask. I don't want him to second guess. I want him to know, I crave.

I wear the many hats that come along with being a woman in this society. It sometimes makes me dizzy how fast they change. It makes me crave the oblivion that can be had at his hand.

I'm facing a lot of changes, a lot of challenges, I need a stable base, a place to run and hide. I need an escape.

There was a time that feeling like this made me want to run away. Now, I just want to run into his arms and surrender.

I want to feel, I want to experience, I want to forget, for just a moment, that life exists. He can give me that. If he knew.

If he knew? What would he do?