It's been one of those weeks. The kind of week where I feel very disconnected, not from Musicman, but from myself. It's been one of those weeks that test me as a person, as a woman. It's been one of those weeks that make me question my worth, my identity and my place in this world.
I haven't been able to come here much this week. I haven't been able to embrace my faerie side. I've started several posts, finished less and published none. I just haven't been able to embrace this side of me. I've needed to be stronger and more focused on outside things. I've needed to be Lolita, so I have been.
I love Lolita, she is my strong side, I need her, but I don't particularly care to live in her head space. I much prefer to be faerie, to enjoy the softer, more pleasant side of my life. Some times that's just not possible. Some times life demands more from me, whether I want to give it or not.
Musicman has been very tuned in, he understands how much I continue to struggle to be the woman I want to be. He may not understand why I continue to struggle with an identity crisis in this one area of my life, but he understands I struggle.
He knows how to call my faerie out. He knows how to engage her in play. He knows how to give me the escape I so desperately need. He takes me to that mindset I love so much. There isn't much carryover right now, but it at least allows for a peaceful night's sleep on my part.
Right now, I'll take that.
Things are changing quickly, again. I find myself tired of saying that and even more tired of experiencing it, I don't seem to have a choice. I haven't found the right answer, yet. I haven't given up and he hasn't given up on me. He's been there every step of the way, shoring me up when I felt weak. Helping me see clearly that I'm worth more than how I've been treated.
He's listened to me vent, he's given me advice, he's given me an escape from the unhealthy reality that encompasses so much of my life right now. Yes, I've been spanked, I've been dominated, I've felt that incredible circle of energy, that makes life so worth living.
The future for me, in this one area, is very uncertain. He has expressed his concerns, desires and expectations. I've expressed my thoughts and concerns of my capabilities. We both know the future is uncertain, but only in this one area. The one thing that remains constant? I am his and he will protect me. That alone gives me the strength and the fortitude I need to go on facing the challenges in front of me. I really can't ask for more.