I've started and deleted this post so many times that I could have had a month of posts had I finished any one of them. Too say I have managed to confuse myself would be an understatement.
I'm the kind of woman that isn't satisfied living within my comfort zone for too long. I never want to stagnate. I never want to accept that good enough, is okay. Yep, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, but I prefer to think of it as being a very curious soul. I like to explore and experience new things. I want to break through the barriers I perceive as existing in my life.
I think this trait has been instrumental in the progress I've made over the years dealing with the abuse I grew up with. I'm just never able to accept that I can't handle something. For some reason, I always feel I have something to prove, if only to myself. So, I set out to prove I could do something that in the past has been difficult for me to do.
I thought I was ready to take the next step. I thought I knew what that step looked like. Turns out I was very, very wrong. Anything that leaves me curled into a fetal position and crying, isn't right. I have no one to blame but myself. I initiated things. I asked and expected, nothing of him in return. That's what I wanted, to serve him. What actually happened was, I triggered something in myself that I still can't deal with.
That pisses me off, for so many reasons. I don't like the way this feels, but I don't exactly know what it is, so I can't fix it. I don't like the fact that feeling this way is going to limit me, prevent me from taking the next step. Since I can't quite articulate the problem, I can't ask for help. I'm not happy about that either.
Reality is, even if I could articulate the problem, I still wouldn't ask for help. To me, it doesn't seem fair to Musicman to ask him to deal with the ongoing issues of the way I was raised, so I don't ask him to do that. I have no problem telling my kids that life isn't fair, get over it, but I don't expect Musicman to operate under that same premise.
I'd like to say, I'm not sure why that is, but I do. I still worry about the fact that I'm broken. I still think he deserves someone who isn't, so if I expose my broken side, he won't want me. If I ask him to step up and help me with these issues, it might make him unhappy. He may not want to continue dealing with the fact that he married a broken woman.
Sure, if I can figure out what is causing it, I can face it, deal with it and move on. I've done that so many times over the years. Enough times that I should no longer feel broken, but, sometimes it becomes apparent that I am.
That pisses me off too. Isn't it enough already? Haven't I already dealt with all the crap? Apparently not, or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I opened Pandora's box. I'd like to think I can close it again, but that never works.
I'm feeling very lost, very broken and have no idea which way I'm supposed to turn. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of crying and covering those tears so no one will see. I need to take a deep breathe and move on, but that's not as easy as I would like it to be.
I won't give up. I never give up. If I do that my abusers win. I become a victim again. I can't accept that, but I'm not sure how I go on from here. So I just breathe, and cry when no one is looking.