Friday, April 26, 2013

Opening Pandora's Box

I've started and deleted this post so many times that I could have had a month of posts had I finished any one of them. Too say I have managed to confuse myself would be an understatement.

I'm the kind of woman that isn't satisfied living within my comfort zone for too long. I never want to stagnate. I never want to accept that good enough, is okay. Yep, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, but I prefer to think of it as being a very curious soul. I like to explore and experience new things. I want to break through the barriers I perceive as existing in my life.

I think this trait has been instrumental in the progress I've made over the years dealing with the abuse I grew up with. I'm just never able to accept that I can't handle something. For some reason, I always feel I have something to prove, if only to myself. So, I set out to prove I could do something that in the past has been difficult for me to do.

I thought I was ready to take the next step. I thought I knew what that step looked like. Turns out I was very, very wrong. Anything that leaves me curled into a fetal position and crying, isn't right. I have no one to blame but myself. I initiated things. I asked and expected, nothing of him in return. That's what I wanted, to serve him. What actually happened was, I triggered something in myself that I still can't deal with.

That pisses me off, for so many reasons. I don't like the way this feels, but I don't exactly know what it is, so I can't fix it. I don't like the fact that feeling this way is going to limit me, prevent me from taking the next step. Since I can't quite articulate the problem, I can't ask for help. I'm not happy about that either.

Reality is, even if I could articulate the problem, I still wouldn't ask for help. To me, it doesn't seem fair to Musicman to ask him to deal with the ongoing issues of the way I was raised, so I don't ask him to do that. I have no problem telling my kids that life isn't fair, get over it, but I don't expect Musicman to operate under that same premise.

I'd like to say, I'm not sure why that is, but I do. I still worry about the fact that I'm broken. I still think he deserves someone who isn't, so if I expose my broken side, he won't want me. If I ask him to step up and help me with these issues, it might make him unhappy. He may not want to continue dealing with the fact that he married a broken woman.

Sure, if I can figure out what is causing it, I can face it, deal with it and move on. I've done that so many times over the years. Enough times that I should no longer feel broken, but, sometimes it becomes apparent that I am.

That pisses me off too. Isn't it enough already? Haven't I already dealt with all the crap? Apparently not, or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I opened Pandora's box. I'd like to think I can close it again, but that never works.

I'm feeling very lost, very broken and have no idea which way I'm supposed to turn. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of crying and covering those tears so no one will see. I need to take a deep breathe and move on, but that's not as easy as I would like it to be.

I won't give up. I never give up. If I do that my abusers win. I become a victim again. I can't accept that, but I'm not sure how I go on from here. So I just breathe, and cry when no one is looking.



30 comments:

  1. As someone who lives in fear of becoming stagnant, I can totally identify with your second paragraph.

    And I know that it doesn't change anything, but we are all a bit broken--and that's okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of the time I'm okay with being a bit broken. When something triggers me and the darkness descends is when I really resent it. Rational thinking escapes me at those times.

      Delete
  2. I don't know if any of us can help from out here - I doubt it, but please remember something. You've described Musicman as a wonderful loving person, someone beautiful inside and out. I just feel if he weren't happy with you, if he wanted out, if he wanted someone else, then he could probably find someone. In all these years he hasn't! That's because HE WANTS YOU, imperfect, sometimes broken, often confused, you. Give the man some credit. Would you love him less if he were 'broken'? Would you just want out? Of course not. You need to remember he loves you just as much as you love him. Don't sell him short, if you need his help - ask for it.

    Hope you feel better,
    PK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't under estimate the power of friends who are willing to listen, whether they have advice to offer or not. When I go into these spirals, I do not think rationally and often I can't get myself to a better place. It's like being stuck in quicksand in the pitch dark.

      Delete
  3. We are all imperfect creatures striving to be better. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but strength. I am sure MM will be happy to help you with whatever problem you have, just as you would help him. Don't sell him or yourself short.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the words of encouragement sunnygirl, I really appreciate them. Asking for help would be much easier if I knew what to ask for, unfortunately the fog that rolls in during these times make that impossible for me.

      Delete
  4. I am so sorry your feeling this way. Hugs. I hope it gets better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tiffany, I'm doing better. It always passes with his help, it's just not something I'm able to remember when I'm stuck in the dark.

      Delete
  5. First off you're not broken, you're just human. Mr. D once told me when I was having a meltdown about having to ask him for help "It's nothing you wouldn't do for me." I'm sure Musicman would feel the same way.I'm willing to bet he's not only willing to help, but wants to. It can't be easy for him to see you hurting and he'd rather help you "fix" whatever is causing you such pain than walk away. He loves you warts and all. I hope you feel better soon.
    HUGS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Musicman does want to help, it's just a matter of how he can help. This particular trigger takes me so far into a dark place that I can't seem to focus on anything but the negative and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

      Delete
  6. Not too long ago, I was feeling something was definitely off in me but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. My friend happened to catch me on a day when I was a bit chatty. We started working backwards until we found the trigger of what was happening with me. Not sure if this will help. I'm not even sure if I make sense, lol.
    Asking for help is difficult but usually worth it in the long run. Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It makes total sense, unfortunately, in RL I don't have a friend close enough to talk about these things with. This has been an ongoing issue for me and hard as it may be to believe, it is getting better. Having this place to untangle the thoughts helps immensely.

      Delete
  7. Oh faerie, I can so relate to you right now. Here's the thing, Musicman knows you. He KNOWS you. He knows about your history. He loves you. He wants you. He would want to know. So...put the shoe on the other food. Would you want Musicman to talk to you if he was upset about something? I'm sure he'd want to know. He'd want to help, even if it's just holding you while you cry. He won't run. He won't love you any less. Just like you wouldn't if the shoe was on the other foot. Talk to him. You can hide your tears from everyone else, pretend that everything's fine with everyone else...but not with him.

    That reoccurring pain and processing is so infuriating. It gives such a sense of weakness and brokenness. Sofia said that healing happens in a spiral. I think she was wise. Each time you process and heal in a more meaningful, deeper way. But it's still a bit circular and you come back to similar places.

    I wish you luck my friend. From one survivor to another, My shoulder's always here if you need it!

    hugs,
    fiona

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sofia is wise, I know the spiral she is talking about. This isn't the first time I've been in this particular place, yet I still can't seem to see past the darkness when I'm there. So frustrating.

      Delete
    2. It IS frustrating. I actually think it's more irritating and despairing to revisit our place in the spiral than to be in a new place all together. It feels like we're making NO progress or that we are caught and can't escape. BUT you will. You will heal more and we're here for you!

      LOVE to you!
      fiona

      Delete
  8. I would like to give you some cyber hugs. Good luck in dealing with these issues. The good thing is you said yoy will never give up. And don't feel he deserves someone who isn't broken. We are all broken in some ways and you know he loves you just the way you are. I just hope it helped to share you pain with you cyber friends.

    FD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the support and the hugs FD, they help. Having this place to write and untangle all the darkness has helped me immeasurably in dealing with things. This particular trigger has been an going thing for me. I have a long way to go, but it is getting easier.

      Delete
  9. That is how I reacted to the belt. Couldn't handle it. Dragon won't even revisit the topic anymore. You are not broken, there are just some things you do not like to do. That is ok. If something triggers an extreme reaction like this, skip it. You don't have to do something that hurts you that much.

    Baby steps and trust your husband. He is there for you. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is how I used to feel about the belt too, and I did get past it. I think that gave me the courage to tackle this issue, that and the fact that I am very tired of it cropping up all the time.

      Delete
  10. Moving forward and learning, and healing are an upward spiral. The issues come around again and again and each time we deal with it in slightly different ways, each time healing a little more. But at times it does seem as if it is coming back in the same manner and the same form, and I know I have times where it feels like it is never ending, but it's not, it is ever changing, slowly, but for the better. A very wise woman recently reminded me of that.

    Don't hold yourself to standards that you would never hold someone else you love to. Trust Musicman. Don't "save" him from loving you, he has a right to know what is going on. PK has it right.

    Hugs, lm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right about it being an upward spiral. This is one of those things that has come around so many times that it makes me dizzy. I definitely under estimated my own readiness to takle it proactively, but at least I now know that.

      The problem with asking Musicman for help is that when I'm stuck in this cycle I lose my ability to communicate effectively in any way. Just being able to write out what I have is a small victory. He reads everything I post and that helps too.

      Delete
  11. I bet Musicman would be very upset that you have taken his Faerie away from him. When we love someone we are there through it all. I have never read anything here that would suggest he would get tired of being with you through rough times. Don't take away his power to express his love. You would never let him do that with your love to him!

    I hope you have shared since you wrote this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you're right, he doesn't like it when faerie goes away. The beauty of having this place to write is more then how much it helps me to sort through things, but also the fact that he reads ever post. I haven't really been able to share more then what I have already written, still too confused, but him reading what I have written helped very much.

      Delete
  12. I do hope you have shared your feelings with the man you love. He loves you, all of you. There is no need to hide from him. There is no need to hide from yourself. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. Sending lots of hugs, Terpsichore

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Terpsichore. He reads every post, so being able to get it down in writing not only helps me to clear the confusion, but it lets him know whats going on too.

      Delete
  13. Well--and wow.

    you know...i'm kinda talking out loud to myself here, so bear with me...but in some ways I think so many of us are "broken"...but that doesn't always mean we need to be fixed. Maybe patched up, dusted off, and get back to it. the way we learn to ride a bike, right? We do okay for a few rolls, but sooner or later we turn too sharply, we wobble, we cant, we fall...it hurts, we want to kick the fucking bike, we HATE the goddamm thing...and then, eventually, we pick it up and have a go at it again (maybe in part because we refuse, REFUSE to let the fucking thing 'win'...?)

    Anyway.

    this ...cycle...of abuse memory and response? it comes round...triggers, heals a bit more, goes away...triggers...

    over time?

    the edge is...blunted?
    dulled?

    and eventually many of the triggers ---don't trigger us.

    accepting that this is part of who you are...a bit broken, but giving you a chance to rebuild a newer, stronger you...knowing and accepting that you'll feel 'broken' again---but may be even better equipped to deal with it.

    sending hugs and coping energies...and...just my opinion, but you should let MM know. If honesty is the currency we deal with in TTWD? You've got to pay up. (Just my thoughts here, I hope you feel free to tell me to fuck off! I am an opinionated bitch.)

    Hugs...whammies...strength...and light,

    nilla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Applauds nilla's opinions*

      Delete
    2. From one opinionated bitch to another, thank you. I'm very familiar with the cycle of abuse memory and response, and I couldn't agree more. I have eliminated many triggers over the years through that exact same cycle and the fact that I refuse to give up. This just happens to be a huge trigger for me with very dark, angry responses. It's getting better, slowly, but it is still quite difficult for me to articulate much about it. Musicman reads here so in a way my writing helps him as much as it does me.

      Delete
  14. Surrounding you with light and love as you release the broken pieces and stand in your power. You are whole and beautiful and a divine expression.
    hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for those beautiful words. They are very powerful.

      Delete