Monday, September 24, 2012

Bang My Head

I'm not an easy woman to live with. I have very intense emotions, that I rarely try to tame. I have very high expectations of myself and others that I allow into my realm. If you want to be in my world you had better be very strong and you better be very, very sure you want to be there, or you won't survive.

I'm honest to a fault, if you disappoint me, you will know it. If once you know you have disappointed me and you continue on in the same vein, I will only tolerate that for so long. Then I will leave you behind.

I'm not afraid to be alone in this world. I've been alone before, with no one but myself to rely on. My hard edges have faded some, but they aren't gone. When my expectations aren't met, when I've been disappointed, I withdraw and the hard edges come back surprisingly easily.

I don't like myself when the hard edges come back, but they still fit. They still feel like something I can rely on.

It was a bit of a rough weekend. Musicman was tired. Musicman had other commitments. Musicman did not make spending time with me, interacting with me a priority. I don't like that. I understand it, I accept it, but I don't like it.

Just because I accept something doesn't mean I see that acceptance as a barrier. Acceptance is not an end point for me, it's a platform to begin from. It's a place for me to assess the situation, set goals, make a plan on how I'm going to achieve those goals.

I accept that I can't always be his first priority, so I set goals to change that situation. But I can't control him, I can't make him work within my plan. I accept that, and therein lies the danger. If I can't control him, if he won't work within my plan, I'm tempted to leave him behind.

If, out of an entire weekend's worth of minutes, all I get is 15 of those minutes, it's not enough. If, at some point he doesn't respond and make an effort to make me a priority, I'm done.  I will only bang my head against the wall for so long before I move on.

I've been banging my head against a wall for a few days now, and I'm about done. The hard edges have come back and they feel comfortable. If he can't or won't make being with me a priority, so be it. I'm not afraid to be alone.



51 comments:

  1. I can understand this to a degree, the bossman works long hours, his job is very important to him and takes him all over the country, and i understand or should i say the reasonable part of me understands.

    He was meant to cut back, he said he would but its not happened yet and i have given up reminding him that he said he would.
    But sometimes i just wish he would step back and make more time for us and then i feel guilty for making how i feel known because i know he is tired etc etc and he doesnt need me on his case.

    I hope you can resolve this for your own peace of mind.

    x

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    1. The reasonable part of me understood that he had commitments that didn't include me. But, when he blew off plans he had made with me, to do something he had said he wasn't going to do, and kept me waiting for 6 hours, reasonable me left the room. I go through the same guilt of not wanting to be a burden or place too many demands on him, but basic consideration is expected.

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  2. Well, you certainly sound fed up, Faerie. And I can understand why. But perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of Musicman right now. I mean, I don't know why he hasn't found the time for you lately, but perhaps it's not for lack of trying, but he just has too many things to juggle right now and no energy left over for nurturing your relationship. I imagine he'd rather be spending that time with you than whatever else he's been occupied with. Hopefully this is a short term problem and you'll be priority number one again soon. In the meantime, hang in there! (((hugs)))

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    1. He didn't find time for me because he made no effort to make time for me. Taking a partner for granted on occassion happens, especially in long term relationships. I accpet that, but sure don't like it.

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  3. I know the hard edges feel good and natural and I'm glad you wrote the post. Just make sure Musicman know it too. I'm guessing you'll feel better soon - but it's okay to be pissed! Posting the occasional rant sure does help me. We'll be glad to come kick Musicman's butt, you know, if that will help. Let us know!

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Oh, he definitely knows, but I think the hard edges still surprise him some when they pop back out. I will put up with almost anything for, or from him, taking me for granted is not one of them. Cancelling plans with me at the last minute to spend the next 6 hours doing something he said he wasn't gonna do is certainlly his perogative. Expecting me to meekly accept that is the mistake he makes.

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  4. You're not going to like what I am going to say, but it sounds to me like you are being a bit selfish. I'm saying this based on your posts about the great weekends you and MM have had recently. Maybe he has been putting things off until he couldn't do it anymore and it all came down this weekend. If that's the case, I think you could cut him some slack.
    At any rate, like Grace said I am sure this is a short term problem. You have been his priority for years, it doesn't change in one weekend. Hang in there, friend, and sorry if I sounded harsh.

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    1. I love that you always shoot straight from the hip and give me your honest, objective opinion :) I wish I could say it was me being selfish. That would be much easier for me to face then the fact that he just couldn't be bothered with me.

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  5. Yeah you sound pretty pissed, which I understand. I personally think there is nothing wrong with him knowing that you can stand on your own. But I do hope you feel better.

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    1. Thank you, I am feeling some better. He has always known I could stand on my own two feet, sometimes though he needs reminded of what I will tolerate and what I won't.

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  6. Faerie, I wish I knew what to say, I feel for you girl. I wish I could make it all better, but I do hope you two are able to work it out. I'd be hurt as well, if he couldn't find time for me. I'm for sure sending good vibes your way. (((hugs))))

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    1. Thanks for the good vibes, they are helping :) Musicman frequently says that I make things to easy for him, and I do, but even I have my limits.

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  7. I am going to second sunnygirl here and add my own three cents. No offense meant and you know I think you're awesome.
    Imho, submission is very much about accepting not controlling them, and working within their plan as opposed to our own. I'm not saying it's something I am good at by any means, but I do believe it is something worth striving for.

    I well know the value of a good blog rant (almost always makes me feel better), and I hope tomorrow is better.

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    1. I've thought alot about that same thing, but me being submissive does not give him a license to be inconsiderate. When he forgets that general concept, we have a problem. I do feel better for having gotten it out :)

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  8. No advice. The earlier comments are excellent.

    Just a big hug,
    joey

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    1. The hugs are just as helpful as the advice is, thank you :)

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  9. Adding a ditto to Joey's comment. Just know I read your post and I am thinking of you. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks SNP, I appreciate the support :)

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  10. Oh faerie. I've been there. I've been the guy working 72 hours a week when I'm home and 80+ hours a week when having to travel, and struggling to find the ways to maintain the time and connection and focus on the family at home.

    I loved my work. I loved my wife. I did all I could to give all I could when I wasn't actively working. The nature of my job required I be available 24 hours a day for emergency response, but still I did my best to schedule and block off time to that I could be "all hers."

    The fights started when she decided that even the time I was giving her wasn't enough. Then she shut down and ignored any advances I tried to make, or shrugged me off when I did have the time to spent. The root of the problem was that she wanted my time off to always coincide exactly with her time off, but her schedule was fluid and I couldn't always match schedules. But it didn't matter. If the time spent together couldn't be on her terms she didn't want it.

    We fell apart, and she became a bipolar force of neglect and abuse. I left. In leaving, I became free, and found Mrs. AP, and have made my life infinitely better.

    I hope, however this plays out, that you find the peace you seek. In the interim, an army of good energy is on it's way to you. ((hugs))

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. If it had been work that took up his time I would have understood. I even understand, to a degree, that every one has an off weekend. Having an off weekend at the expense of my feelings is something I will never understand or accept. He is certainly free to make whatever he wants a priority, but when he makes too many things a priority over me...well, then he has to deal with the fall out.

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  11. I am sorry you are frustrated. The one thing I would add to all of these comments is that you need to do what is right for you. Just remember, that although you can and have been alone - it's lonely. Conversely, needing someone - or wanting someone - and feeling rejection or feeling that you're commitment is not comparatively reciprocated is very vulnerable and scary. You and Musicman seem to have had many highs and this certainly is a drop down low. I wish you both well. You are not alone - we are hear to read/listen - and send good energy.

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    1. Thanks for the good energy, it helps :) His behavior this weekend definitely left me feeling lonely and unimportant to him, that is sure to make those hard edges of mine coming roaring back. It's nice to have a place to come to express that and know that I'm not alone :)

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  12. hugs

    i hate banging my head against the wall too. but if i have to carry on and do my own thing, even WHILE I'm right there in the same physical space, then I will. And i have. so far my current relationship isn't set up that way, all we have is time together when we're together cos of the separate living arrangements. thankfully i will never have this problem, not unless he lives with me... but i feel you.
    so hugs.

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    1. I am capable of doing my own thing and quite happily will. It was really when,at the last minute, he postponed plans he had made with me to spend 6 hours doing something else, that I have a problem with. He had previously told me, multiple times that he was not going to do that activity. I did not ask him not to do it, so when it happened that way, it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

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  13. Faerie,
    I'm guessing that you will snap back out of this quickly enough b/c while you 'can' be alone, you don't want to be. You are very honest and that is a wonderful thing, but it does mean that you acknowledge those hard edges. I hope that by now your MM has come and found you and reminded you that he didn't really go anywhere.

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    1. No, I do not want to be alone, but I also won't allow myself to be taken for granted. I'm sure that is not what he intended, but that is what his actions caused. I was honest with him and let him know exactly how what he did effected me, hopefully he will make a bit more of an effort in the future :)

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  14. (((hugs))) sometimes I find the natural ebb & flow of my relationship with my husband to be tough to take, especially when our ebbs & flows don't match up! It's hard when he's ebbing and I'm flowing, if you see what I mean.

    I tend to be miserable, and then withdraw and be self reliant and do my own thing. He's getting quicker at noticing this though, and I'm getting better at responding and reconnect rather than just withdrawing further.

    It's still tough tho xx

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    1. I do see what you mean, it's easier for me to deal with the natural ebb and flow of the relationship when he is honest with me about what he needs and wants. We are pretty good at communicating that most of the time, this weekend it just didn't gel so well :)

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  15. I hope you both find a way to be more in sync soon. Lot's of good thoughts are coming your way.

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    1. Thanks Zoe, the good thoughts are appreciated. Things are a bit better.

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Bas, it was a good comment, you should have left it up :)

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    2. Then please just take the last 2 words as my only advice

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  17. I'm sorry Faerie. I hope that things will work out for you. I know it hurts when our man gets so busy and we feel neglected. I hope you can talk it over with MM. Best wishes.

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    1. We've talked, he still doesn't quite get what I got irritated about, but it's behind us now :)

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  18. Oh, I do so understand exactly what you are saying. Hang in there

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    1. I got my nails firmly sunk in and am hanging on. Maybe you could explain it to Musicman, cause I don't think he really gets it. Maybe it's a female thing? LOL :)

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  19. Dangerous thoughts there, girlie. Me, I'm thinking about moving on into the rest home.

    In all seriousness, your husband SEES you. Quit banging your head. It's a time-wasting endeavor. Not to mention the headache that comes with it. You're resourceful. Invade his personal space if you need to. Not being afraid to be alone is great...but its still damn lonely.

    I'll save you a spot. See you in about 40 years.

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    1. I think you are a long way from being ready for the rest home, lol.

      He may have seen me this weekend, but he barely acknowledged that. I just don't do well being put on the back burner, especially for trivial reasons. That's when the dangerous thoughts start :)

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  20. I'm sitting here eating faerie cakes with a glass of vino. The comment I left on Susie's blog kinda used up my deep thoughts for the day :) hehe
    Ok, I love your honestly. You don't sugarcoat, you say it how it is. How YOU feel at the time. And that's a brave thing to do when it may not show you in the best light. My 'unsubmissive' self wants to say, he's a man, sometimes they just don't ..... think.
    My submissive self, yeah it's in there, somewhere, will tell you to make him his favourite dinner and make it right.
    You'll come around, he'll come around. I have no doubts :)

    Dee x

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    1. I do believe this is a good example of my submissive self and my non submissive self fighting it out. For a time my unsub self definitely won. Today, I'm feeling a bit better and he is getting one of his favorite dinners tonight :) Enjoy those faerie cakes and vino, lol.

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  21. I could have written that post, faerie. Actually, I'm sure I will....:) And when I get out the rough edges-guess what he gets out?

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    1. I think at some point or another most of us could write this post. Unfortunately, my guy does not react the way yours does, even when I wish he would :)

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  22. Replies
    1. Thanks Mrs. Soft Bottom, such is life sometimes :)

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  23. Ugh, I'm so sorry. Hugs and love from here too.

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    1. Thanks Renee Rose, No one ever said life was easy, did they?

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  24. I was just recently going through this myself. My guy ended up making himself very unavailable to me this past week. It was involving something he cares about though, so I tried to be understanding.

    But it started to get frustrating when we had plans for something one evening and then he ended up cancelling to go work on that.

    I waited until I was no longer frustrated and told him how it made me feel. I didn't have to go into detail because he already knew he had been somewhat neglectful, but I just let him know it was hurtful.

    Luckily, he seemed to know just what to say and has been making up for it this last week.

    IMO, men have a tendency to sometimes underestimate how harsh their actions can be until we let them know. Then, if they care, they're pretty good about correcting it.

    Good luck to you!

    ~ Dirty Blog's Girl :)

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    1. Thanks DBG, you make some great points :) My guy definitrly doesn't understand how his actions that he sees as inconsequential affect me. Sometimes I don't get it myself, which makes it hard to explain. Mix in those lovely hormone driven emotions and a wrong look can send me into a nosedive. Things are getting better though :)

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    2. Good! I'm super glad to hear it! :) And thank you. I've just begun following you signed in as myself now lol - I love your stuff too!

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  25. I am just catching up on my reading so I apologize for the late reply. I am sure by now these feelings have been worked through. I did want to share anyways by saying I empathize and understand the feelings of not wanting to be taken for granted, to be seen, to be made a priority in the life of a loved one. And I send hugs...

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