I'm not an easy woman to live with. I have very intense emotions, that I rarely try to tame. I have very high expectations of myself and others that I allow into my realm. If you want to be in my world you had better be very strong and you better be very, very sure you want to be there, or you won't survive.
I'm honest to a fault, if you disappoint me, you will know it. If once you know you have disappointed me and you continue on in the same vein, I will only tolerate that for so long. Then I will leave you behind.
I'm not afraid to be alone in this world. I've been alone before, with no one but myself to rely on. My hard edges have faded some, but they aren't gone. When my expectations aren't met, when I've been disappointed, I withdraw and the hard edges come back surprisingly easily.
I don't like myself when the hard edges come back, but they still fit. They still feel like something I can rely on.
It was a bit of a rough weekend. Musicman was tired. Musicman had other commitments. Musicman did not make spending time with me, interacting with me a priority. I don't like that. I understand it, I accept it, but I don't like it.
Just because I accept something doesn't mean I see that acceptance as a barrier. Acceptance is not an end point for me, it's a platform to begin from. It's a place for me to assess the situation, set goals, make a plan on how I'm going to achieve those goals.
I accept that I can't always be his first priority, so I set goals to change that situation. But I can't control him, I can't make him work within my plan. I accept that, and therein lies the danger. If I can't control him, if he won't work within my plan, I'm tempted to leave him behind.
If, out of an entire weekend's worth of minutes, all I get is 15 of those minutes, it's not enough. If, at some point he doesn't respond and make an effort to make me a priority, I'm done. I will only bang my head against the wall for so long before I move on.
I've been banging my head against a wall for a few days now, and I'm about done. The hard edges have come back and they feel comfortable. If he can't or won't make being with me a priority, so be it. I'm not afraid to be alone.