I've been a bit intrigued, mystified and in awe, of something that happened just the other night. It was a brief conversation, yet it threw me into a bit of a tail spin. It made my mind spin into knots that seemed way too complicated to even begin to try and unravel. Those are the times that make me appreciate housework.
I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.
I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.
I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.
I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.
A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.
Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.
I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.