Saturday, July 21, 2012

A Giant Misstep...or is it?

Sometimes things don't go so well, missteps are made, feelings are hurt, tempers fly. That is what happened last night. He took a bit of a misstep, I got my feelings hurt and then let my temper fly. Not pretty, and certainly not very submissive. Submissive? What's that?

We were both tired after a long week of work. My 2 weeks of training turned out to be 2 days of training and then left on my own to run an entire department because the woman I am job sharing with left for vacation. I wasn't too stressed about it as this is what I do, and I do it well. In fact, everyone at work is quite impressed with my abilities and they have told me so many times. So many times that I was starting to get a bit irritated with the constant surprise they displayed at my skills.

We've been having record breaking high temperatures and since Musicman's work environment is not air conditioned and involves lots of large hot machines he was suffering through it as best as he can. In this instance his best isn't very good, he doesn't do heat well at all. Add to that a bike rally being held here in town that is tying up traffic and complicating his commute, and we have one unhappy camper on our hands.

When he is tired like that, the little things go by the wayside. No little touches or  random swats, no groping everytime I came close. I was so lost in thought about the job that I barely noticed it. When I did notice, it didn't really bother me as I understood we were both tired and preoccupied. In short, there was a total lack of dominance on his part and not a thought of submission on mine.

We curled up together in bed, he clearly was in the mood for something, but was being quite passive about it. I tried to engage him some, but it didn't work. It seemed to me like he was just in the mood for what I refer to as lazy sex. Lazy sex happens when we are both tired, yet still want the connection. We know it will feel good and we will fall asleep faster and happier afterwards.

Lazy sex isn't a problem for me, at the right time and with the right circumstances it is quite appropriate and always better then nothing. Except for last night, last night, nothing would have been better. It started out just fine, he went with the tried and true 69.

I'm a big fan of 69, because the man has some incredible oral skills and it always gets me off several times. I also love having him on top in that activity cause it is so easy to take all of him in that position. The curve of his cock fits so naturally with the curve of my throat that deep throating is a cinch.  It's also a great ab workout, what better way to get some crunches in.

The problem started when all of a sudden he changed position on me and started talking. Normally I love it when he talks, the dirtier the better usually. Occasionally though, like last night, when he switches from passive to dominant in 1.5 seconds my brain can't keep up. It confuses me, it feels like a freight train barrelling down the track and right over the cliff because the bridge is out. Crash. Burn.

I crashed, I burned and I there I was, stuck in the wreckage and confusion. He knew something was wrong, he asked if I was okay. In the past I have said I was fine, even though I wasn't. That isn't what I did last night. Last night, when he asked, I exploded all over him. I told him no, I wasn't alright and why I wasn't alright.

It came out in bursts of anger and annoyance. I tried to get away from him and get out of bed. He didn't let me. He just held me still and let me rant. After I wound down he addressed what I had just said. Then I exploded all over him again, he held me some more and let me rant till I calmed again. We cycled this way a few times, until I calmed down enough to actually tell him what went wrong.

In the past something like this would have sent me spiralling for days. Withdrawing into myself and drowning in pools of tears and self doubt. Analyzing every little thing trying to figure out what went wrong. It is a vicious cycle I get stuck in, I hate it and he has little too no idea how to help me. Eventually it either passes or he steps up and the dominance comes roaring back and I feel all better.

The fact that I was able to get to the end point of the cycle in under 10 minutes is a huge accomplisment. So is the fact that I was able to tell him exactly what he did that caused the problem. I love when he is dominant, but when he turns it off and then suddenly back on, it doesn't feel like dominance to me. It feels like passive aggressive behavior on his part. That I can't handle.

He apologized, profusely. He said he owed me. I don't like him thinking that way. We don't keep score, we never have, that is not productive for us. Doesn't mean I don't want it, just means I don't like when he says that or thinks that way.

We have a full day of chores and household tasks to accomplish. Whether we accomplish anything else or not I'm leaving up to him. He's a smart guy, he knows what I need, now it's up to him to fix his misstep.

        

35 comments:

  1. It really is a huge accomplishment faerie! Train wrecks can happen over smaller things.

    When my guy missteps I know he feels it more than he used to. If he's the leader, he really does feel like he has to make it up to me. I'm guessing your MM will take good care of you this weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Susie, it has taken a long time to get to this point, but I feel like it is something to be proud of.

      I know that the outcome is not what Musicman intended and though I'm trying not to anticipate anything I think it will all be good.

      Delete
  2. I say screw the chores! Take the time to be together. You are both working hard, and life is too short!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could say that, but then I would be faced with going to work naked Monday. I think they already have enough to say about the "new girl," lol.

      We work pretty well together at the chores and they are mostly done now :)

      Delete
  3. What a good way to reconnect. In his arms. It was a bad start to the weekend but ended on a good note.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya know what they say, shit happens :) It did turn out better then it has in the past, so that's good.

      Delete
  4. Just wishing you the best for the rest of the weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks SNP, everythings okay, and still lots of weekend left :)

      Delete
  5. That's a giant leap forward. Congratulations. Enjoy the weekend. The chores and errands will be there always. So happy for you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does feel like a giant leap forward. I am the type that when given lemons will make lemonade, and probably brownies or cookies to go with it :)

      The chores are done, with plenty of time left to play.

      Delete
  6. I know I've been scarce & I apologize - I've been enjoying Daddy being home:)

    Well, faerie, first ((((hugs)))), cause you sound like you really need one. And just breathe, sweetie. It doesn't sound like a misstep to me. It sounds like growth, which is a great thing. Communication is tantamount to the kinds of relationships we have.

    He may have made a misstep - he did what he has done before. But you didn't. This time you said this bothers me & I've held it in so long I may not be able to get it straight out, but boy I need to. And it seems like he saw that, and very patiently and diligently let you. That seems like a win to me! You learned something, and while it may be uncomfortable in this moment, you'll grow from it.

    And as for the 'he owes you', maybe he's not thinking of tit for tat, maybe he's thinking - I owe you better, and I'll remember & do better from now on.

    Relax and take a step back, sometimes it's all a matter of perspective.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No apologies necessary my friend, Ward should be your priority :)

      How about one of the things that came out in my rants last night was, "it's all about communication." Unfortunately I followed that with, "and you suck at it right now." Not my most stellar moment.

      While I wasn't happy with what happened, I do feel like I am making huge strides in how I'm handling it. I'm very happy about that. The day has gone pretty well, I'm not feeling real submissive, but I'm not stuck in a funk :)

      Delete
    2. We all have moments that aren't that stellar, believe me. And while it was not perhaps the most submissive way to express it - at least you expressed it - you'd been holding it in, so that's progress!

      So next time, you'll know that he is listening, and that he wants to hear it all,and understand,and you can start working on ways to say it constructively.

      But honestly, getting it off your chest is HUGE! And not being stuck in a funk is fabulous! Don't beat yourself up. Recognize the progress & give yourself a little credit. I bet if you ask him, he is :)

      Delete
  7. faerie: I hope this was just a hiccup and you are having a good day today. It was positive that you were able to get to the end of the cycle in just 10 minutes. And hope you don't let the chores prevent you from having some good couple time. Good luck.

    FD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was just a hiccup and the day has gone pretty well. It has taken me months to get these episodes under control, so while not gone, 10 minutes is a massive improvement. The chores are done and we are good.

      Delete
  8. I'm proud of you! Ten minutes! I'm still in the couple of day cycle, well that's down from a week or more so I'm improving too. Awww... if life were always perfect, we wouldn't get to really enjoy it when things go especially well.

    Hugs,
    PK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I started out at a week or more and slowly have been chewing away at it. Honestly, I surprised myself that it went that quick this time. Your right too, perfect would become boring pretty quick :)

      Delete
  9. The beginning of your post describes how DH was last year, when he was still suffering from his depression. The little things, like traffic, noise, and hunger, would drive him to be almost unbearable to be around. There were no little touches here and there, like we do now.

    Good for you to talk it out, to not just swallow it down, Good for you faerie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can always tell when Musicman is especially tired, the little gestures that I love so much just disappear.

      I was really proud of how well I handled it this time, it been a long road getting to this point, but I did it :)

      Delete
  10. I agree with the above a 10 minutes cycle time is a giant step! It's the weekend give both of you a break and have some fun....I know you boht know how to do that!
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was so surprised that it happened that way, happily surprised. Gives me hope that eventually I won't react that way at all. The chores are done, I'm all shaved, showered and prettied up, let the fun begin :)

      Delete
  11. Only 10 minutes? That must be a record time.
    And a whole weekend for refining the connection.
    I'm optimistic about the outcome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a record for me, that I know. Makes all the hard work trying to figure it out totally worth it. I'm optimistic too, but then again, I'm a die hard optimist about everything, lol.

      Delete
  12. Thats goodthat you recognized it, ended it. have a good weekend my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was a good thing, I'm making progress :)

      Delete
  13. Hi faerie,

    Good luck with your new job. And, I think it's amazing it only took you 10 minutes to snap out of your downward spiral. Yeah you!!!

    Love,
    Kitty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitty, so nice to have you back :) I surprised myself that it all went that quickly. Guess all the hard work I've been doing to alleviate these episodes is really working.

      Delete
  14. While of course you'd rather it hadn't happened at all, it sounds like you handled it a lot better than in the past. You should be proud of yourself! I hope your day today has been a good one and MM takes good care of you the rest of the weekend. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Grace, I am proud of myself. It is definitely better then how I have handled it in the past. I have been working on improving in this area for a long time and it seems like the hard work is paying off, at least this time anyway. Today was good, I'm trying not to anticipate too much, cause that can be problematic too.

      Delete
  15. You know what he did right there? He kept you close and helped you work through it. Would you have finished your cycle in 10 minutes if he had let you walk away? Somehow I don't think so. You BOTH did good.

    I always feel like I owe something to Mrs. AP when a mistake I make leads to her feeling down, angry, or out of sorts. I make it my responsibility to make and keep her happy, and when I fail in that task I feel like I need to work harder to re-balance things in her favor. I wouldn't be surprised if Musicman feels similarly. I'm glad you two worked it through.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I know what he did right and no I definitely would not have gone through the cycle so quickly if he had let me walk away.

      I have a feeling Musicman does feel very much that way. The only problem is when I feel like he is just doing things for me, it becomes a problem. Being an empath sucks sometimes.

      Delete
    2. Try flipping your perspective. If he works the way I do, or similarly, there is never "just" doing things for you. There is reassuring himself that he is a good partner and a good provider by doing things you like or need. It's for him as much as it is for you, even if he never quite says it that way.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      Delete
    3. Ya know, I never thought of it that way before. It makes a lot of sense though, and I think it may really help me to think of it that way. Thanks :)

      Delete
  16. I'm so glad and impressed that you were able to communicate through the hiccup. Love and forgive yourself-- you are doing an amazing job working at a beautiful relationship!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not so sure about doing an amazing job, but I agree with the beautiful relationship :) Thank you.

      Delete