Sometimes things don't go so well, missteps are made, feelings are hurt, tempers fly. That is what happened last night. He took a bit of a misstep, I got my feelings hurt and then let my temper fly. Not pretty, and certainly not very submissive. Submissive? What's that?
We were both tired after a long week of work. My 2 weeks of training turned out to be 2 days of training and then left on my own to run an entire department because the woman I am job sharing with left for vacation. I wasn't too stressed about it as this is what I do, and I do it well. In fact, everyone at work is quite impressed with my abilities and they have told me so many times. So many times that I was starting to get a bit irritated with the constant surprise they displayed at my skills.
We've been having record breaking high temperatures and since Musicman's work environment is not air conditioned and involves lots of large hot machines he was suffering through it as best as he can. In this instance his best isn't very good, he doesn't do heat well at all. Add to that a bike rally being held here in town that is tying up traffic and complicating his commute, and we have one unhappy camper on our hands.
When he is tired like that, the little things go by the wayside. No little touches or random swats, no groping everytime I came close. I was so lost in thought about the job that I barely noticed it. When I did notice, it didn't really bother me as I understood we were both tired and preoccupied. In short, there was a total lack of dominance on his part and not a thought of submission on mine.
We curled up together in bed, he clearly was in the mood for something, but was being quite passive about it. I tried to engage him some, but it didn't work. It seemed to me like he was just in the mood for what I refer to as lazy sex. Lazy sex happens when we are both tired, yet still want the connection. We know it will feel good and we will fall asleep faster and happier afterwards.
Lazy sex isn't a problem for me, at the right time and with the right circumstances it is quite appropriate and always better then nothing. Except for last night, last night, nothing would have been better. It started out just fine, he went with the tried and true 69.
I'm a big fan of 69, because the man has some incredible oral skills and it always gets me off several times. I also love having him on top in that activity cause it is so easy to take all of him in that position. The curve of his cock fits so naturally with the curve of my throat that deep throating is a cinch. It's also a great ab workout, what better way to get some crunches in.
The problem started when all of a sudden he changed position on me and started talking. Normally I love it when he talks, the dirtier the better usually. Occasionally though, like last night, when he switches from passive to dominant in 1.5 seconds my brain can't keep up. It confuses me, it feels like a freight train barrelling down the track and right over the cliff because the bridge is out. Crash. Burn.
I crashed, I burned and I there I was, stuck in the wreckage and confusion. He knew something was wrong, he asked if I was okay. In the past I have said I was fine, even though I wasn't. That isn't what I did last night. Last night, when he asked, I exploded all over him. I told him no, I wasn't alright and why I wasn't alright.
It came out in bursts of anger and annoyance. I tried to get away from him and get out of bed. He didn't let me. He just held me still and let me rant. After I wound down he addressed what I had just said. Then I exploded all over him again, he held me some more and let me rant till I calmed again. We cycled this way a few times, until I calmed down enough to actually tell him what went wrong.
In the past something like this would have sent me spiralling for days. Withdrawing into myself and drowning in pools of tears and self doubt. Analyzing every little thing trying to figure out what went wrong. It is a vicious cycle I get stuck in, I hate it and he has little too no idea how to help me. Eventually it either passes or he steps up and the dominance comes roaring back and I feel all better.
The fact that I was able to get to the end point of the cycle in under 10 minutes is a huge accomplisment. So is the fact that I was able to tell him exactly what he did that caused the problem. I love when he is dominant, but when he turns it off and then suddenly back on, it doesn't feel like dominance to me. It feels like passive aggressive behavior on his part. That I can't handle.
He apologized, profusely. He said he owed me. I don't like him thinking that way. We don't keep score, we never have, that is not productive for us. Doesn't mean I don't want it, just means I don't like when he says that or thinks that way.
We have a full day of chores and household tasks to accomplish. Whether we accomplish anything else or not I'm leaving up to him. He's a smart guy, he knows what I need, now it's up to him to fix his misstep.