Sunday, July 22, 2012
A Colossal Mess
Yes, I made a colossal mess of things. To the point that, this morning I packed up all our toys, paddles and floggers and put them away in the back of the closet. I couldn't look at them. At the time they seemed like a slap in the face to me, a road not taken, an opportunity missed.
Even though Friday night didn't go as well as we would have liked, we did work it out. I was proud of that. Saturday we were busy with chores and such. I was okay, maybe not as soft and sweet as I would have liked, but okay. I was a bit sassy and sarcastic at times, though nothing really bad or disrespectful. Pushing him a bit maybe, to see what he would do.
He told me more then once that if I didn't change my attitude he was gonna paddle my ass. Okay, there a few things about this statement that affected me. The first one is, threatening me with a spanking is much akin to threatening a PMS'ing woman with chocolate, totally ineffective. Yet, it was quite effective in calming me down. I think the idea of him actually doing that was enough for me to feel his control, which apparently, is what I needed.
The colossal mess part comes into play when he actually followed through and did paddle me. It was late, we had watched a movie and then some TV. I had worked hard at not anticipating being spanked, I didn't want to be disappointed if it didn't happen.
It did happen, I should have been flying freely in subspace. Instead, I started crying, almost immediately. That has never happened before. I am a silent cryer and am also able to control my body movements very well, so other then the actual tears it can be very hard to detect when I am crying. Musicman has adapted well to this and often, when he thinks I might be, he brushes my face in a way that lets him feel the tears.
It took him several minutes to figure it out. Most likely he figured it out because he was spanking and I wasn't moving at all. That is so unlike me, I move quite a bit when he spanks me, cause it usually sends me right to subspace. There is no punishment aspect or negativity at all associated with spanking for me, it is pure pleasure. That is why I move so much, I'm enjoying it too much to stay still.
I'm not sure exactly what happened. He had turned the lights off and it was completely dark in the room. That's not usually the case, we generally have some kind of light on. He had turned on my mp3 player which was hooked up to the surround sound. That is not unusual for us as we both love music and often have it on when we play. The difference this time I think, was the volume changes with the song and it became quite loud very suddenly.
The biggest thing that happened I think, is that for some reason I couldn't feel him. Not the spanking mind you, that I was definitely feeling. I'm mean the energy connection to him that I feel so strongly, it was just gone. As soon as I realized that, which was almost immediately, I became overwhelmed and anxious. That is when the the tears started.
This doesn't happen very often, me not being able to feel the connection to him. It always scares and panics me when it does. What I have learned from the few times it has happened, is that the connection isn't broken, it's just too weak for me to feel. It happens when he is conflicted about what is going on between us. When he is doing something he really doesn't want to do, but does it anyway because he thinks that is what I want. That's why I always say I don't want him doing something just because he thinks it's what I want, or he feels he owes me. I can tell that is what he is doing and it just doesn't work out well. If he is not happy, neither am I.
By the time he realized something was wrong and stopped to check on me, it was too late. I curled into a little ball, just silently sobbing. It took several minutes of him holding me and soothing me before I was able to calm down enough to say anything. Unfortunately, before I could say much more then I was overwhelmed and couldn't feel him, he said something.
He said, sometimes he's just not into it and just wants plain old sex. Guess which word I DIDN'T hear. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear the word "sometimes." I heard, I'm just not into it and just want plain old sex. Things totally devolved from there and went from bad to worse.
Neither one of us was communicating effectively or really hearing and understanding what the other one was saying. The attempt at plain old sex was a complete failure too. We ended up falling asleep with nothing really resolved. No surprise that I slept badly, waking almost every hour. I was relieved when I woke up at 7:30 and was finally able to get up. I didn't really want to be awake and thinking though, cause I was so confused about what had happened.
As soon as he got up a few hours later, I went straight up to the bedroom and packed everything up and put it away where I wouldn't have to look at it. I was convinced that I was a freak, he didn't want this and I was done trying to force it. I was feeling totally defeated and lost. I had no idea what to do next other then leave it all behind me. I also had no idea how I was going to do that, but I didn't see any other choice at that moment.
Thank goodness that Musicman was handling it all just a bit better then I was, not much, but enough to at least approach it rationally. He followed me up to the room and insisted we were going to stay there and work it out. He told me repeatedly that he does like being in control and he does like spanking me. He also said that even though he doesn't understand why it doesn't always work out well, or why I react so strongly when it doesn't, he knows I need this. He refused to accept all my attempts to say otherwise and flat out refused any suggestions I made that it might be better if we just stopped trying.
It took awhile, but I finally agreed with him that he was right about me not being happy if we stopped. He also told me that since I was the one who put everything away, I have to get it all back out and put it back where it belongs. Then he picked up the hairbrush which was sitting on the bedside table. I hadn't packed it away with everything else cause it makes a pretty effective backscratcher.
Yes, he used it on me and, yes, I did fly into subspace. I feel much better, but I still don't quite understand exactly what happened or why. I'm sure as time goes on I will think about it and put some energy into figuring it out so it doesn't happen again. In the mean time, I'm signing up for a hormonectomy, cause the little buggers are determined to ruin my life and steal my sanity.
The caption on this pic says: Sad fairy life
Alone in the forest
Waiting for her charming prince.
It seemed appropriate, my life would be more then sad if I didn't have my charming prince.