Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Colossal Mess


Yes, I made a colossal mess of things. To the point that, this morning I packed up all our toys, paddles and floggers and put them away in the back of the closet. I couldn't look at them. At the time they seemed like a slap in the face to me, a road not taken, an opportunity missed.

Even though Friday night didn't go as well as we would have liked, we did work it out. I was proud of that. Saturday we were busy with chores and such. I was okay, maybe not as soft and sweet as I would have liked, but okay. I was a bit sassy and sarcastic at times, though nothing really bad or disrespectful.  Pushing him a bit maybe, to see what he would do.

He told me more then once that if I didn't change my attitude he was gonna paddle my ass. Okay, there a few things about this statement that affected me. The first one is, threatening me with a spanking is much akin to threatening a PMS'ing woman with chocolate, totally ineffective. Yet, it was quite effective in calming me down. I think the idea of him actually doing that was enough for me to feel his control, which apparently, is what I needed.

The colossal mess part comes into play when he actually followed through and did paddle me. It was late, we had watched a movie and then some TV. I had worked hard at not anticipating being spanked, I didn't want to be disappointed if it didn't happen.

It did happen, I should have been flying freely in subspace. Instead, I started crying, almost immediately. That has never happened before. I am a silent cryer and am also able to control my body movements very well, so other then the actual tears it can be very hard to detect when I am crying. Musicman has adapted well to this and often, when he thinks I might be, he brushes my face in a way that lets him feel the tears.

It took him several minutes to figure it out. Most likely he figured it out because he was spanking and I wasn't moving at all. That is so unlike me, I move quite a bit when he spanks me, cause it usually sends me right to subspace. There is no punishment aspect or negativity at all associated with spanking for me, it is pure pleasure. That is why I move so much, I'm enjoying it too much to stay still.

I'm not sure exactly what happened. He had turned the lights off and it was completely dark in the room. That's not usually the case, we generally have some kind of light on. He had turned on my mp3 player which was hooked up to the surround sound. That is not unusual for us as we both love music and often have it on when we play. The difference this time I think, was the volume changes with the song and it became quite loud very suddenly.

The biggest thing that happened I think, is that for some reason I couldn't feel him. Not the spanking mind you, that I was definitely feeling. I'm mean the energy connection to him that I feel so strongly, it was just gone. As soon as I realized that, which was almost immediately, I became overwhelmed and anxious. That is when the the tears started.

This doesn't happen very often, me not being able to feel the connection to him. It always scares and panics me when it does. What I have learned from the few times it has happened, is that the connection isn't broken, it's just too weak for me to feel. It happens when he is conflicted about what is going on between us. When he is doing something he really doesn't want to do, but does it anyway because he thinks that is what I want. That's why I always say I don't want him doing something just because he thinks it's what I want, or he feels he owes me.  I can tell that is what he is doing and it just doesn't work out well. If he is not happy, neither am I.

By the time he realized something was wrong and stopped to check on me, it was too late. I curled into a little ball, just silently sobbing. It took several minutes of him holding me and soothing me before I was able to calm down enough to say anything. Unfortunately, before I could say much more then I was overwhelmed and couldn't feel him, he said something.

He said, sometimes he's just not into it and just wants plain old sex. Guess which word I DIDN'T hear. Yep, that's right, I didn't hear the word "sometimes."  I heard, I'm just not into it and just want plain old sex. Things totally devolved from there and went from bad to worse.

Neither one of us was communicating effectively or really hearing and understanding what the other one was saying. The attempt at plain old sex was a complete failure too. We ended up falling asleep with nothing really resolved. No surprise that I slept badly, waking almost every hour. I was relieved when I woke up at 7:30 and was finally able to get up. I didn't really want to be awake and thinking though, cause I was so confused about what had happened.

As soon as he got up a few hours later, I went straight up to the bedroom and packed everything up and put it away where I wouldn't have to look at it. I was convinced that I was a freak, he didn't want this and I was done trying to force it. I was feeling totally defeated and lost. I had no idea what to do next other then leave it all behind me. I also had no idea how I was going to do that, but I didn't see any other choice at that moment.

Thank goodness that Musicman was handling it all just a bit better then I was, not much, but enough to at least approach it rationally. He followed me up to the room and insisted we were going to stay there and work it out. He told me repeatedly that he does like being in control and he does like spanking me. He also said that even though he doesn't understand why it doesn't always work out well, or why I react so strongly when it doesn't, he knows I need this. He refused to accept all my attempts to say otherwise and flat out refused any suggestions I made that it might be better if we just stopped trying.

It took awhile, but I finally agreed with him that he was right about me not being happy if we stopped. He also told me that since I was the one who put everything away, I have to get it all back out and put it back where it belongs. Then he picked up the hairbrush which was sitting on the bedside table. I hadn't packed it away with everything else cause it makes a pretty effective backscratcher.

Yes, he used it on me and, yes, I did fly into subspace. I feel much better, but I still don't quite understand exactly what happened or why. I'm sure as time goes on I will think about it and put some energy into figuring it out so it doesn't happen again. In the mean time, I'm signing up for a hormonectomy, cause the little buggers are determined to ruin my life and steal my sanity.



The caption on this pic says: Sad fairy life
                                               Alone in the forest
                                               Waiting for her charming prince.   

It seemed appropriate, my life would be more then sad if I didn't have my charming prince.


55 comments:

  1. God- I am so thankful you posted this today- there was similar type of freakout in our bedroom today as well by me. Different reasons as to why but very similar int he end results.

    I am still trying to process it and deal with what transpired and ultimately trying to assuage my guilt of inadequacies. I have a feeling it will come pouring out on the screen once I start to drink here soon.

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    1. I'm sorry you had this happen too. I still don't know why it happened, but we have worked it out and things are better. I hope everything works out as smoothly for you.

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  2. Hormonectomy...Where do I sign up???

    "The first one is, threatening me with a spanking is much akin to threatening a PMS'ing woman with chocolate, totally ineffective."

    Perhaps it would be helpful if you had more clearly defined lines between pleasure and punishment?

    And sometimes I think that when they do things that they just aren't feeling into, it's like they are forcing it and that doesn't feel right. Occasionally this concept leads to me waiting for punishments longer than I would like which I hate because well, I just do. But I guess it does make sense (you can tell he doesn't have me totally sold on the idea yet).

    Other times, you know, hormones are just out to ruin our lives and jump up and down in the puddle.

    I'll be back by when you figure it out or can just tell me where to get that hormonectomy--best medical idea I have ever heard.

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    1. We haven't ever done punishment spankings. I'm not real interested in them and he has said he isn't either. Probably the biggest thing that went wrong was he just wasn't at all clear about what he wanted. Guess I chalk it up as a learning experience.

      As soon as I get the details on the hormonectomy I'll let ya know, lol.

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  3. Hugs...I agree with lil...sometimes those hormones are just out to get us. Sounds like hubby rose to the occasion and was not scared off. Hopfully your stars are realigning and will stay pu for a while.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, I am really beginning to think the stars were out of alignment. It just seemed like everything went wrong real quick. He did do an awesome job handling the situation, good thing he doesn't scare easily :)

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  4. fairie, scenes go wrong, mistakes happen. This is what safe words are for. You may want to think about talking about it with your husband.

    Hugs. I hope your day got better.

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    1. Yes the day did get better, thanks :) We have talked before about a safe word, but honestly, it never even crossed my mind at the time. Guess it's something I need to work on.

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  5. Hormones are wicked evil little creatures that just sneak up on you at a moments notice. They can be gone as quick as they come but while they are there the wreak havoc. I think a hormonectomy is an excellent idea and if you find out where they are performed, let us know because the line will be sooooooo long you will have to serve refreshments.

    Sometimes, hubby just wants sex too. But now that we've started with the spanking, I always seem to want that first. To me it goes hand in hand (a pun) but not to him. I'm guessing MM feels the same way.

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    1. Ya know, I could do refreshments if needed, lol.

      The problem was he never in any way indicated that was what he wanted, until it was too late. Sigh! Men! What are we gonna do with them? LOL. I'd say your guess would be accurate in this case :)

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  6. Colossal messes are part of figuring all of this out. Truthfully it's that way for many things. I've had those moments where I've though of throwing all the implements away as well, so I understand your frustration. Just keep at it!

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    1. Couldn't I just skip the messy parts? No? I guess I will just have to slog my way through it. Thanks for the encouragement :)

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  7. I've had it happened to me to, a spanking that just goes 'wrong' somehow. It's like everything else, it can't be right every time. You have a very intelligent husband who always shows how much he loves you. Were you the one who wrote about 'lazy sex'? We have that in the morning sometime with no spanking, but Nick knows now if I'm really going to get into it, then there is going to be a spanking involved.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Yep, I'm the one who wrote about lazy sex. If that's what he wanted, he might have wanted to clue me in, would have worked so much better that way, lol.

      I definitely prefer the spanking part to happen, but if it doesn't, I'm usually okay too. The problem was I was just way to upset to have anything really work well. Live and learn, I guess :)

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  8. As women sometimes we feel guilty for 'wanting' certain things (We shouldn't!) and we may over-think a normal turn of events. We want our men to be intuitive and they just are not always good at that. MM just seems like a great guy who always wants what is best for you! Sometimes we are just off!
    As to the hormonectomy....can we drink a tea??

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    1. Ooooh...a tea...I like that idea, lol.

      In this case the man could have been a perfect mind reader and it wouldn't have helped. I was just so overwhelmed and I'm still not sure why. Was it a full moon this weekend? Maybe I could blame it on that :)

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  9. We are walking a fine line right now of figuring out what is a pleasure spank and what is a punishment spanking. We are also trying to figure this all out with a ton of outside life stresses. I think that happened to you happens to everyone in some way. I also think that a nice strong freak out is good for a marriage, it helps you communicate what you need better and helps the partner focus.

    Just my thought though...

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    1. I think you are right about a strong freak out sometimes being helpful. We did end up saying things that needed to be said, that may not have happened without the freak out. I'm taking that as a positive.

      I hope you figure out the the pleasure/punishment thing. We don't do punishment spankings, he has said he isn't interested in it, which is fine with me :)

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  10. faerie: Sorry to hear that things didn't go well but I hope you just treat it like a bump in the road and go forward. And it's good that your Prince Charming came to your rescue. These things happen in your journey so I hope you don't worry too much about it.

    FD

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    1. I am trying to think of it as just a bump in the road. Normally I would over think and analyze it to death, but work is preventing that from happening and that may be the best thing.

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  11. Girl!

    I have totally done this exact thing. This struck such a chord with me. That feeling that you must pack up all the toys and get them out of reach is intense.

    Good for you guys for dealing with it in fantastic fashion.

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    1. I had to get rid of them, I just couldn't look at them at that moment. They are now back in their rightful place. On the headboard, whithin easy reach. I thought a lot about your recent post about closing the door. I think I am guilty of holding it open and need to heed your advice :)

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  12. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all that. I think it's great that Musicman insisted on working it out right then and there. I understand it's so hard to deal with being different sometimes, it's wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I know that it can wear on you, especially when you're unsure if the feeling is mutual. However, it looks like Musicman wants it...he could have easily taken your packed up implements as an "out" and he didn't.

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    1. You're right, he definitely could have taken it as an out. I'm so glad he didn't. If it wasn't for him insisting on working it out right then and there, we'd probably still be at odds. Smart guy I have, huh?

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  13. Sometimes all I want is straight sex, too. Sometimes all I want is a blowjob to go to sleep. What I don't want is for Mrs. AP to feel hurt or neglected or insecure, so I push myself into doing more and once I get started I realize that I wanted more after all.

    Yes, even us men take some warming up before we get started. Sometimes. ;-)

    I'm sorry you lost the feel for that connection. I know it's scary and debilitating and causes a panic. Mrs. AP and I both had that happen every. Time. We've moved. Neither of us like it and fight hard to get it back.

    All the hugs!

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. I think losing that connection is what really caused the problem, it totally terrified me at the time. It always does, thank goodness it doesn't happen often.

      So, how exactly do we women go about warming you guys up? Cause apparently I could use some lessons in it, lol.

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  14. I read this and I just kept translating this from women to men. From submissive to dominant.
    I just recognize it, but with different actors.
    So many times I heard Lisa say, without her saying any words, that she is not into this. I know that feeling of despair when you feel so alone in your thoughts. When all connection is lost.
    May be I could get a hormonectomy too?
    But I do admire you both. Got things better extremely fast.
    Figuring it out and making sure it doesn’t happen again? I’m not so sure about that ever succeeding.
    We will just have to live with ourselves, and let’s be honest. There are times that we like what the hormones do to us.

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    1. I'm putting together a list for the hormonectomies, I'll put your name on it :)

      I think you may be right about never really figuring it out. Having to work so many hours this week is really keeping me from obsessing about it so that's a good thing.

      I suppose Musicman probably has doubts too. That is easy for me to forget, he always seems so sure of himself. Thanks for sharing that, it helps :)

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  15. It's frightening, that shift in perception. I've had it happen at the oddest times, none worse than during a spanking. Your MM did himself proud to stick in there and work it out, and bless his heart of course sometimes he just wants sex, and better minds than mine are saying "just move on".

    But it doesn't change that echo in your heart -- Was that real, how I felt? Which is the real now? Is that going to happen again?

    Idk.

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    1. I was very overwhelmed and frightened, that is the first time that ever happened. I don't know why it happened, but I'm not gonna worry too much about it. Moving on seems to be a better choice at this point. I think he learned too that sometimes he needs to give me a clue about what he wants. After the fact doesn't help me much in the moment.

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  16. This is normal to feel like this as is clear from the other comments. I wander perhaps if you were subconciously seeking for him to take control when your behaviour was sassy and sarcasic..as you said wanting to test, to push to see what he would do.

    When we dont get the reaction we expect it builds up feelings of resentment perhaps? and really after all there just men not mind readers lol

    There are going to be times when either or one of you isnt in the mood and thats normal, it doesnt mean its not working or the novelty has maybe worn off, i do think us women have a tendency however when its them thats not 'feeling' it to feel rejected and to over react.

    Glad you talked it through and got it sorted.

    x

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    1. Thanks tori, while I don't like to think of others going through something like this, it does help to know it's not unusual.

      I'm not real sure what I was pushing for, just some kind of reaction I suppose. Growing pains hurt and not in the good way :)

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  17. Messy yes but hey, you still solved it over a weekend and got most things sorted out. That's kinda huge. I'm sorry it was so rough in the middle of it all.

    Homonoectomy--LOL!

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    1. In the past, this would have dragged on for days. So, even though it was messy and painful, it is getting better.

      Shall I add your name to the growing list for the hormonectomies? LOL.

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  18. Great insightful comments above faerie. I can't add anything more except I would have said something very similar to what tori said.
    Put it down to an experience and move on. And love the 'hormonectomy' word :)

    Dee x

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    1. I swear, I gonna find someone will to give me a hormonectomy. I hate the little buggers, bad!!!

      I'm putting the whole experience down as growing pains. Not much else I can do :)

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  19. Sounds like you let your insecurities get the better of you and the entire situation. Not that I am saying you are wrong for feeling that way. But sometimes it just happens, and that line that he told you would have been the last straw for me too, (mishearing it). I am glad you guys got it resolved, but try to trust Musicman more, it seems like he is into this lifestyle as much as you are! :D

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    1. Definitely a case of letting my insecurities get to me. If I hadn't been so upset I might have heard him correctly the first time, but such was not the case.

      I never thought about it in terms of trusting him, but your right, I need to do better with that. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

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  20. Hormonectomy? Okay, sign me up too! lol

    I'm sorry for the mess you found yourselves in, but I'm glad that it's been resolved and that the two of you were able to come together. (((hugs)))

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    1. Your names on the list :)

      This does get easier, right? Right? Though really, what in life worth having or doing is easy? That's what I always tell my kids, guess I should take my own advice.

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  21. INSECURITIES be gone! oh sweetheart... **huggs***

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    1. Thanks FA, they're all gone, lol. Until next time that is, which I hope is a long, long time away yet :)

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  22. Oh, gosh - add my name, too - Daddy will drive cause I bet it drives him up a tree even though he is incredibly patient! Hormones are evil, terrible things! And the insecurities, let's not even go there.

    Ward had a bad day yesterday as was a little on the reserved side, and I of course immediately think it is because I have done something wrong. Finally I told him that he was a little distant and it worried me when he was that quiet, that he could tell me what was wrong. Well he did & things got better.

    But that stuff happens, honey, like Daddy says - we are all only human after all (((hugs)))

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    1. Betcha all the men would drive, lol :D

      I'm still not sure what happened, but things are better now. I'm still digesting it all, so I'm off to bake some brownies soon.

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    2. *ears perk*
      Chocolate did you say?

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  23. Yes, please add me to the waiting list for the hormonectomy. I sure hope it gets easier. For all of us.

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    1. Experience tells me it will get easier...for awhile. Then at some point in the future, it will get hard again. That's just the way life is, at least for me :D

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  24. Bless your heart! I'm so sorry you are struggling! We have been struggling too... mainly because of my expectations... and not wanting to tell him how to be my HOH... I have ideas... he listens... but then there is no follow through.

    Sometimes I do agree that it would be easier not to spank anymore... no expectations. The problem with that is that there wouldn't be any spankings either... damn men! lol

    ((hugs)) Take care nice lady! When you figure it out please pass on the info! ;o)

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    1. I'm working on it, but please, don't hold your breathe waiting, lol :D

      It seems like every time I get something figured out, something different happens.

      Hmmmm...sounds suspiciously like life. LOL ;-D

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  25. "I'm signing up for a hormonectomy" Can I come with you?
    My husband commented recently that he's never sure what will happen (with TTWD) because my hormones are all over the place. Sometimes I love a good, hard spanking and sometimes his hand is too much because I'm just too sensitive!
    You're lucky that your guy is like mine, and is willing to go with the flow of the "girlie hormones".

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    1. LOL, you sure can come along for the hormonectomy :)

      I agree I'm lucky, but I'm not sure my guy has much choice other then to go with the flow :)

      I have been telling him he can have the awful, nasty little buggers. He isn't too interested, that's why the need for the hormonectomy.

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  26. I've not commented on your post before but after reading this, I felt like I HAD TO reply. I am so sorry for your "mess." I can totally relate to the distress that comes from hearing (even when it was mistakenly) that he may do "it" just for you and not because he wants to. It is so devistating. And yet...in the midst of the devistation, you both had the strength and commitment to work it out. What an inspiration - thank you....but ... what a distressing night/morning.

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    1. Thanks for commenting, you're always welcome to join the conversation :)

      It's always nice to know I'm not alone when I struggle. The support and advice I find here is where my inspiration comes from.

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  27. Hi! I have just begun reading. I found you from PK's link. I have not been reading much lately in blogland and I miss it and hope to stop by once and a while when I can. Thank-you for sharing. I am glad that you are working it out. Feeling connection is such an important thing. And whether it be hormones or the stars...there are always moments of ups and downs in life...so hopefully you are now on an up... Take care, Terpsichore

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    1. Welcome Terpsichore, I have read all your comments and commend you for reading from the beginning. I don't know that anyone has done that before :) I usually try to answer all my comments, but at the moment I am working full time and am struggling some to keep up. I appreciate all the thoughts you have shared with me and hope to hear from you again.

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