I had a bit of an off day yesterday. Not as bad as usual which I'm grateful for, but still bad enough for me to think endlessly about why I was feeling off. Bad enough for Musicman to notice and comment on. Bad enough that he was worried about me. I don't like to worry him, especially when he has to go to work.
I don't know that I have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I do feel more myself today.
I have realized a few things:
- Sometimes standing still is progress. I'm not so good at standing still.
- When the negative thoughts take over, my brain becomes jet propelled. (observation courtesy of Musicman)
- When I perceive a lack of dominance on his part, it triggers the negative thoughts.
- The negative thoughts are deeply rooted in my self confidence and self worth. I don't know why.
- In an effort to avoid facing and dealing with my insecurities, I blame Musicman and certain actions of his, for them. I know that is wrong.
- When I distance, I not only distance from him, but from everything, including myself. I become a total void of emotion, of any kind.
- The ride my mind takes on the crazy train exhausts me physically and mentally.
- Once I've boarded the crazy train, I can't stop it, or get off it by myself.
I don't know what I will be doing with these new insights, but at least it is a place to start. I'm going to let them just be for a while. Overthinking them and worrying endlessly about them will just send me spiralling again.
Musicman's birthday is Thursday, he took a few days off of work. We will have 4 uninterrupted days to do whatever we wish. I like to plan something special for him for his birthday. They are really no big deal to him, and he doesn't expect anything special. That's why it is so much fun to do it for him.
Unfortunately, as of right this moment, I got nothing. So, any suggestions?
Now I'm off to practice making blueberry pie. It is Musicman's favorite and pies are the one thing I am terrible at baking. Seriously, I mess up store bought crust. Who does that?