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I had a bit of an off day yesterday. Not as bad as usual which I'm grateful for, but still bad enough for me to think endlessly about why I was feeling off. Bad enough for Musicman to notice and comment on. Bad enough that he was worried about me. I don't like to worry him, especially when he has to go to work.
I don't know that I have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I do feel more myself today.
I have realized a few things:
- Sometimes standing still is progress. I'm not so good at standing still.
- When the negative thoughts take over, my brain becomes jet propelled. (observation courtesy of Musicman)
- When I perceive a lack of dominance on his part, it triggers the negative thoughts.
- The negative thoughts are deeply rooted in my self confidence and self worth. I don't know why.
- In an effort to avoid facing and dealing with my insecurities, I blame Musicman and certain actions of his, for them. I know that is wrong.
- When I distance, I not only distance from him, but from everything, including myself. I become a total void of emotion, of any kind.
- The ride my mind takes on the crazy train exhausts me physically and mentally.
- Once I've boarded the crazy train, I can't stop it, or get off it by myself.
I don't know what I will be doing with these new insights, but at least it is a place to start. I'm going to let them just be for a while. Overthinking them and worrying endlessly about them will just send me spiralling again.
Musicman's birthday is Thursday, he took a few days off of work. We will have 4 uninterrupted days to do whatever we wish. I like to plan something special for him for his birthday. They are really no big deal to him, and he doesn't expect anything special. That's why it is so much fun to do it for him.
Unfortunately, as of right this moment, I got nothing. So, any suggestions?
Now I'm off to practice making blueberry pie. It is Musicman's favorite and pies are the one thing I am terrible at baking. Seriously, I mess up store bought crust. Who does that?
ok, practise practise and more practise. The baking gets better after a while.
ReplyDeleteOR just go out and BUY one cos it's not like you didn't try.
as for the insecurities and all that other stuff, i can't help. I have issues with the way I view myself too. I don't ever think i'm worthy of anyone's affections and I wonder half the time what anyone sees in me.
i'm working on that. well. BIKSS is working on that. and i'm sure with Musicman in your corner you'll be able to ALWAYS get off the crazy train cos even if you can't get off it by yourself, he'll be there to do it for you!
HUGS
hope you have more happy days and fewer off days.
XOXO
The frustrating thing about the pie baking failures is, I'm an excellent baker. Seriously I make all kinds of wonderful complicated things, yet pies still confound me.
DeleteI've made lots of progress on this crazy cycle I go through on occassion. Getting to this point has been a major accomplishment and I know things will continue to get better.
talk to your baking support group or go online to figure out what your'e doing wrong. now that you say you're an excellent baker otherwise - it makes more sense why you're so pissed with the pie failures.
DeleteI make an awesome indonesian layer cake that takes ages to do. i've perfected it and and sell them but the tons during festive seasons. i m also the queen of custard puffs - bite sized ones at that. and a whole lot of other things. But i can't get my muffins to puff up and over the sides. LOL
Lol. I can't cook meals out of a box, so messing up a store bought crust isn't that much of a stretch.
ReplyDeleteAlpha's birthday is next week and I'm in the same boat with you there. If I get any sudden and brilliant inspirations I'll share.
A lot of my issues are rooted in self worth and self confidence. I like to think that the realization of it is a step in the right direction. Figuring out what to do with that knowledge can be a challenge though!
Good to know I'm not the only one who can complicate the simplest of things like a store bought crust, lol.
DeleteThis cycle has been occurring for awhile, so just being able to see it clearly enough to actually outline it that way feels like a huge step in the right direction. I'm a stubborn chica and I won't give up until I figure it out :D
I'm sure just your effort is gift enough, though I understand how you want to do something special.
ReplyDeleteThis post addresses my similar negative feelings. I think, once I had this light bulb moment, then I've managed to deal with them pretty well..
Wonderful post, thanks for the link.
DeleteBeing able to identify what is going on and why is a huge step for me and I do think having been able to do it is gonna be a big help :)
Bless your heart... I totally get not being able to get off the crazy train myself!!
ReplyDeleteAnd what to do with all that information.... Hmmm... I'm thinking file it, you'll need to know all of that, just file it till you do, then you will have the answer when it reoccurs, and they will, they always do! Later that information will be call wisdom! ;o) *hugs*
Could I skip ahead to the part where it becomes wisdom? No? Didn't really think so, lol.
DeleteThis has been a persistent re-occurring thing with me, so just being able to identify as much as I have is an accomplishment. For the moment it is filed, cause constantly picking at it doesn't help either.
I'm pretty sure I've messed up a store bought pie. Htf do you do that?
ReplyDeleteI'm totally sure I've had all the feelings you're talking about. But what matters right now? That you celebrate the birth of this wonderful human that was born into your time and you found each other.
That no matter what your concerns there is the smell of the back of his neck in his innocence when he sleeps. The expressions on his face that you know so well. The feel of his hand on you. The feel of him in you. All the great crazy orgaamic things. All the tiny myriad daily things.
Celebrate!
Great advice, and yes, for the moment I have set it aside in favor of more important things.
DeleteThese incidents have been occurring for awhile. I have been making slow steady progress with it, so letting it sit for awhile is not necessarily a bad thing :)
Orgasmic. Tappin on a phone here.
ReplyDeleteLOL. I didn't even notice the typo until you corrected it :D
DeleteGeeze, I won't have to write the post that was playing around in my mind - I'll just send folks here and tell them 'me too'. So much of this fits, our men even have birthdays 3 days apart. I hope you work all this out in your head and then you can tell me how.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
PK
Oh yes you do need to write it. Maybe you have the answer I'm looking for and don't know it.
DeleteHappy Birthday to Nick, got anything special planned? Yes I'm still at a loss, lol.
I mess up pies and store bought crusts too.
ReplyDeleteI think that just being able to make those observations is probably a step in the right dirextion.
Thanks Kat, it is, and at some point in the future I am sure I will pursue finding the answers again. Probably more than once before I get it right.
DeleteI'll eat anyone's pie ;)
ReplyDeleteAs for suggestions, I do not think anything I would suggest would be feasible, acceptable, or realistic to you two! Burlesque show, swingers club ( to be exhibitionists, of course), outdoor sex, sex swing, or any combination of the above.
LOL, now you sound like Musicman about the pie.
DeleteYou might be surprised what we would find feasible :o
We were just discussing this weekend the fact that we have no swingers clubs or burlesque shows here in our area. Due to the privacy afforded us in our own backyard, outside sex is the norm unless it is winter time. We have a swing out there that reclines all the way flat that we love to play on. Everyone buys outdoor furniture based on comfort for sex purposes, right? Right? LOL. Thanks for all the suggestions.
Hmmm, pie.... I'm with Mr. No Name. I love to eat a hot pie. >:-)
ReplyDeleteThe absolute best birthday surprise Mrs. AP could give me right now would be time alone, just us, out of the house for a couple of days, with no kids. No housework, no stressors, no worries, just us, a bed, and a full toy bag.
So maybe send the boy to a friend's house for a few days, lock the doors, turn off the phones, and go where the mood takes you?
Stay SINful
Mr. AP
Great idea, a break from life so to speak. Without going into detail, we are going to have the house ALL to ourselves :0 Guess I thought I needed something more, but maybe not. Hmm...maybe...now ya got me thinkin'.
DeleteStanding still - what is that? I'm with you - it is progress, but hard to do.
ReplyDeleteLast night, I chose to do a puzzle instead of everything else, because I just wanted to stop for a while. It worked. :)
Do you suppose the fact that I can't stand still contributes to my fascination with being tied up? LOL.
DeleteGood for you taking the time to do something frivolous, I'm sure you deserved it :)
It looks like you are being brutally honest with yourself, which I think shows great strength.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to Musicman...I hope your pie turns out wonderfully! If it really fails, turn it into a blueberry crumble ;)
Even if the pie doesn't turn out he will still eat it. And he will tell me how good it is and mean it.
DeleteI'm pretty determined to get to the bottom of the cause of these episodes and put an end to them.
Hi, I think sometimes just purging the negative feelings and emotions through talking, writing creating etc., helps us begin to heal. I do not think we always get answers when we want them. SOMETIMES they come when we need them. More often then not it's just hard work!It seems like you try and find the bright joyful side of life. That is the greatest healer.
ReplyDeleteI think the blueberry pie idea is a great gift. Sometimes its the simplest gift that is the most cherished.
Minelle
You are definitely right about not getting the answers when we want them. If we did I would have had the answer to this months and months ago.
DeleteI keep plugging at the problem and have made significant progress. I'm also learning to be patient and let it rest when needed.
MM, PK's husband, Alpha and my husband all have birthdays within the next couple of weeks. Is it a club and they forgot to tell us.
ReplyDeleteI cant bake pies either (or much else) but I've had pretty good luck with the pillsbury pie crust (the kind you unfold) in the dairy section. If you haven't tried, you might give it a shot.
I know you will work on your issues and now that they are down on paper you will tackle them and resolve them once and for all. You're too smart to let it get you down for long. I have great faith in you friend.
It would be just like a man to forget to tell us, wouldn't it? LOL.
DeleteI'll have to try the Pillsbury crust, I can bake just about everything else except pies. That is a bit frustrating, especially since pies are Musicman's favorite.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, sooner or later(probably later) I will figure it out. I'm a bit stubborn that way :D
Having these things listed is a good starting point.
ReplyDeleteAnd well, they are not uncommon, quite a few people recognize them. A guy's solution? There's no solution, so sleep on it and wait for the bad feelings to go away.
No use worrying on an off day. Tomorrow might be a better day. That also could be a great day for pie baking experiments. Believe me, if it looks like a pie and somewhat taste like a pie, he'll love it since its coming from you.
Wishing MM a nice birthday
They always taste like a pie, but I'm not sure they ever look like one, lol. Maybe someday I will get it right, in the mean time Musicman enjoys all my attempts :D
DeleteIf only you knew how long it has taken me to get to this starting point. I have made slow, sometimes agonizingly slow, progress. I feel like I have reached a major turning point, and now maybe the progress will be a bit easier :D
Welcome, and thanks for joining the conversation. I'm looking forward to reading your blog and hearing your story.