Warning: Totally vanilla post ahead!!! Also be aware for anyone with abuse issues there may be triggers for you so you may not want to read.
Ok, I am seeking opinions here. I have a decision to make. I don't want to even face this decision much less actually make it, so I am seeking input. Don't be shy, feel free to speak up and give me your opinion. I will take it all in and discuss the situation with Musicman and then I will think some more. Eventually I will make a decision, I have to one way or the other as there is a deadline for it.
So here's the situation: My mother and I have been estranged for about 2 years following ten years of me being her primary caregiver. I recently found out that she has terminal cancer and is refusing treatment. I have no problems with her refusing treatment as she and I have discussed this at length. I know what she wants and have known she wants to die for some time now.
The issue for me is that I really don't want to become involved in her life again. I've said everything I need to say to her and really wouldn't have a problem with her passing without me seeing her again. I know that sounds selfish and self serving, and in a way it is. It is self protection on my part, I don't want to get sucked in to her drama.
Some of you are probably thinking, but she's your mother. Yes, she bore me, that's about it though. She didn't protect me, she didn't nurture me. Quite the contrary, she blames me for the abuse. She has come right out and said it was my fault my father raped me repeatedly throughout my childhood. I've never understood that one, but I am not going to change her mind so I let those kinds of comments slide.
My oldest nephew, whom Mom is very close to, is getting married at the end of the summer. His fiancee invited me to the bridal shower which is being held this weekend. Unfortunately, she mailed my invite to my Mother. She really wants me to attend with her.
I have never been close to this particular nephew and was somewhat offended that the fiancee, who I've never met, couldn't be bothered to get my address and mail it to me. Petty of me, I know.
This particular nephew is my sister's son. My sister and I are not at all close either. I spent a good many years taking care of her too. We are nothing alike and she resents my happiness with Musicman. She has actually said, "it's not fair you got the life I wanted, you are the bad girl." Apparently, in her mind, I don't deserve to be happy and the fact that I have worked hard to get where I am is not important.
I know if I attend this shower with my mother the rest of my family is going to see it as a reconciliation. They are going to expect me to step in and take over her care and final arrangements. At this point I would be good with not being involved at all, except for my brothers.
I have 2 brothers, one I have always been close with, the other is much younger and I didn't really know him until we were both adults. The youngest one lives out of town and is also estranged from our mother. The other one has taken over our mother's care since I bowed out 2 years ago. I know he needs my help and I want to be supportive of him. I just don't want to deal with our mother or sister. I should also say that my brothers do not know about the abuse. I was forbidden to tell them about it as a child. As adults I tried once to tell my brother I was close to. It didn't go well so I dropped the subject and have never mentioned it again.
As I said I will be seeking Musicman's opinion, I always do. But, he has a hard time relating to this kind of family dynamic. He comes from a normal loving family and can't really fathom families like mine. Also, he is going to advise me to do what ever I think I need to do, he will always support me in that. He is not a big fan of my mother or sister, but for him family is important.
So, I am asking for honest opinions, what would you do? I don't want the abuse to define me, but I also don't want to sway so far the other way that I leave myself open to being hurt again. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. Should I let sleeping dogs lie and skip the shower, or should I bite the bullet and the do right thing as society defines it?
I need to make a decision soon and I'm very torn about it. Please, tell me what you would do.